Outlast the Night (19 page)

“You’re the third person tonight to ask me that,” Sam said.

“You’re not exactly subtle about the way you watch him, sweetie,” Molly said. “It’s safe here, remember?”

“Nowhere’s really safe,” Sam said. “Not until the divorce is final.”

“If you were sleeping with him, that might be true,” Molly said, “but you’re not worried about dancing with me. Why should you worry about dancing with him?”

“Because I’m not attracted to you,” Sam said.

“It’s a dance, Sam, nothing more. Besides, unless you told your ex about you, she’s far more likely to have an issue with you dancing with another woman than with a man,” Molly pointed out. “You’re seeing everything funny because you have a secret, but most people don’t look at the world through that prism.”

“You figured it out.”

“No, Neil told me,” Molly said. “I figured out about Jeremy, but only because I was watching for it. Caine might have noticed because he sees things through the same prism and because he’s a hopeless romantic who wants everyone to be as happy as he is. Seth and Jason might have seen it because those two are more precocious than is good for them, but I’d bet none of the others have, not unless Jeremy has said something to them.”

“I don’t think he has,” Sam replied. “He’s not any more out than I am, really.”

“Is he willing to be?” Molly asked sharply.

“I think so,” Sam said. “He said he told Macklin the first day, and I’m pretty sure his brother knows, although I’m not sure Devlin will spread it around since he’d see it as reflecting on him.”

Molly rolled her eyes. “Spare me the stupidity of Aussie stockmen.”

“Hey, they’re not all bad,” Sam protested. “You’re marrying one, remember?”

“And he’s the worst of the bunch,” she muttered, “although he did dance with Chris tonight, and he hasn’t scowled at Jeremy once.”

“He might if I agree to dance with Jeremy,” Sam said.

“You dance with Jeremy. I’ll deal with Neil,” Molly said. “There, he’s free. Go grab him before someone else does.”

Sam took a deep breath and started toward where Jeremy was standing. He could have sworn every eye in the room turned his way, but when he dared to glance around, no one seemed to have noticed his progress across the room.

No one, that is, except Jeremy. Jeremy had fixated on him from the moment he let go of Molly. Sam couldn’t decide if he wanted to run to Jeremy or turn and run away. The intensity of the look on Jeremy’s face made him nervous. He’d gotten used to hanging out with Jeremy, to being his buddy, but Jeremy wasn’t looking at him like a buddy now. Jeremy was looking at him like a treat he intended to devour whole.

Sam swallowed hard and made his feet keep moving in Jeremy’s direction. No one had ever looked at him like that, and he hadn’t the slightest idea what to do with the emotions it churned up inside him. They couldn’t do this. He still had another month before he could even file for divorce, and at least three months after that before it was finalized.

He very nearly turned and ran in the other direction. He couldn’t do this. Not now, maybe not ever, but before he could panic, Jeremy smiled, and Sam smiled back because he couldn’t help it. Then he was at Jeremy’s side, and Jeremy was pulling him into an embrace and guiding him onto the dance floor.

They were all but the same height. Jeremy had maybe an inch on Sam, but not enough to make dancing together awkward, not like it had seemed when Macklin danced with Jason, who hadn’t hit his growth spurt yet. It also meant that Jeremy’s blue-green eyes were right there in Sam’s line of sight, mesmerizing in the swirl of color. Sam blinked a couple of times, but the central ring of a slightly different color wasn’t a figment of his imagination. Neither was the way Jeremy was looking at him. Sam nearly stumbled, but Jeremy steadied him with those big hands Sam refused to let himself fantasize about. The one that held his between their chests was gentle, the grip firm but not painful, the calluses on Jeremy’s palm evident with his fingers curled around Sam’s. The other hand rested at his waist, not quite pulling him close—they weren’t a couple, after all—but definitely holding him. Sam could feel the heat of it radiating through his shirt. And the look on Jeremy’s face, all hot and possessive, like he wanted to wrap Sam up in his arms and never let go… Sam shook with need at the sight of that look directed at him.

“This is a bad idea,” Sam said hoarsely.

“No, it isn’t,” Jeremy replied. “It’s the best idea I’ve ever had. Don’t run from me, Sam. I’m not asking for anything but a dance, not until you’re ready, but don’t deny us this.”

Sam swallowed hard, heat flushing through him. He was sure his cheeks were the color of tomatoes, but he nodded and kept dancing. Their thighs brushed together as they danced, leaving Sam torn between pulling back and pressing closer. He had seen Jeremy ride. He knew what kind of muscles lurked beneath his jeans. He wanted those legs pressed against his own, pressed between his own. He wanted to push forward and rut against Jeremy until he couldn’t think of anything else. He was so tired of trying to keep it together, of always worrying about everything. The siren’s call of a few hours of oblivion in Jeremy’s arms was strong, and Sam knew Jeremy would give it to him. It would only take a word from him and Jeremy would take charge, take him back to the bunkhouse, and make him feel good in a way none of the hookups in Melbourne ever had. Even better, Jeremy would still be there in the morning, looking at him with the same heat in his eyes, the same offer of friendship, companionship, and more.

It would be so easy and feel so good, but in the morning, Jeremy would want more, and right now, Sam couldn’t afford to give it to him. He had to push those yearnings aside, push them back down until he was free of Alison. If Jeremy still wanted him then, Sam would take everything he could get and be grateful for it. He just had to wait four more months.

When the song was over, he took a step back, resisting the urge to go outside to cool off. It had just been a dance, so why did he feel like he’d been split open and remade? “Thanks for the dance,” he said awkwardly, knowing he was running away but unable to stop himself.

“You’re welcome,” Jeremy said and then let him go.

Sam had never been more grateful in his life.

“You okay?” Neil asked when he found Sam sitting in the corner a few minutes later.

“Yeah.”

“Really? Because you look like you either saw a ghost or that bloody hawk finally made off with your cat,” Neil said.

“No, it’s just….”

“Just what?” Neil prompted.

“Let’s go for a walk,” Sam said. He didn’t know how Neil would react, and he didn’t want to make a scene at Chris’s party.

Neil nodded and followed him outside. The wind was cold off the tablelands, and Sam shivered, wishing he’d grabbed his jacket before he came to the party. It was too late now, though.

“Promise me you’ll let me finish before you say anything,” Sam said.

“I’m not going to like this, am I?” Neil asked.

“Probably not,” Sam said, “but I need you to really listen to me instead just blowing up at me.”

“Okay, I’m listening.”

“You are so in love with Molly,” Sam began. “You can’t imagine that going sour, and I hope it never does for you. You can’t imagine what it feels like to have the person who’s supposed to be the closest to you in the world turn on you and say things that make you doubt yourself. And then say them so often and so harshly that you can’t do anything but believe her.”

“Alison—”

“Don’t interrupt,” Sam spat. “This is hard enough as it is. She made me think I wasn’t good for anything. She made me think nobody would ever want me and she was doing me a favor by keeping me around. She made me think….” He took a deep breath. “It doesn’t matter what she made me think. The point is, my marriage was a living hell, and by the time I got here, I just wanted to curl up in a dark corner and be left alone. Except nobody would let me do that, least of all Jeremy.”

Neil opened his mouth, but Sam glared at him until he shut it again.

“Jeremy has spent the past six weeks being my friend, kicking me in the arse when I start feeling sorry for myself, and basically doing everything he can to make me feel better about myself, and he’s done it without expecting anything from me in return except my friendship,” Sam said. “He isn’t pushing for anything else because he knows I’m not ready and the divorce isn’t final.”

“Wait—”

“Shut up,” Sam snapped. “I know you don’t like him, but I do, Neil. I like him a bloody lot, and for some unknown reason, he seems to feel the same about me, and it’s freaking me out a bit. I don’t know how to do this. The only serious relationship I’ve ever had was with Alison, and you see how that turned out.”

“Bloody hell, you’re going to make me accept a Taylor as part of my family, aren’t you?” Neil said.

Sam choked back a laugh. “Out of everything I just told you, that’s what you fixate on?”

Neil shrugged. “That’s the easiest part to deal with. The rest makes me want to punch someone.”

“As long as it’s not Jeremy or me, you can punch whoever you want.”

“Alison was the primary candidate,” Neil said. “So Taylor’s gay too? Is that why he’s here?”

“Yeah,” Sam said. “I’m not sure if his brother found out or if Jeremy just got sick of listening to him, but it’s why he left.”

“And you’re sure he’s who you want?”

“Neil—”

“No, I swear, I’m not saying that because of who it is,” Neil said quickly. “You said yourself you’ve never had a serious relationship except with Alison. Your divorce isn’t even finalized yet, although that can’t happen soon enough after everything you just told me. This isn’t about Taylor or how I feel about him. I just want to make sure you aren’t rushing into something you’ll regret later. Rebound relationships and all that.”

Sam considered Neil’s question for a moment before answering. “Life doesn’t come with guarantees, but I know what a bad relationship feels like. I know what I don’t want. A lot of guys, the guys I hooked up with in Melbourne, wouldn’t care that I was still legally married, even if we’re separated. A lot of guys wouldn’t have the patience to deal with my concerns about what Alison will do if she finds out I’m gay and involved with someone else before it’s over. A lot of guys—”

“You haven’t been hanging out with the right guys,” Neil interrupted. “Tell me about Taylor.”

“You could start by calling him by his name,” Sam said. “He’s kind. Maybe that doesn’t sound like a lot, but to me, it’s huge. He’s patient and funny and he makes me laugh. He makes me forget I’m not part of this place in the way the rest of you are.”

“What do you mean you aren’t part of Lang Downs the way the rest of us are?”

“I’m not a jackaroo,” Sam said. “I won’t ever be a jackaroo. I’m not naïve. Jeremy doesn’t seem to care about that, though. He talks to me like I know what he’s talking about and might actually have an opinion. He explains things to me when I ask. He’s teaching me to ride. He lets me work with his dog.”

“All of those things are great,” Neil said. Sam scowled at him. “No, I mean that. Really. But belonging on Lang Downs isn’t about being a jackaroo. Patrick isn’t. Sure, he can ride a horse if he has to, but he’s a mechanic, not a sheep herder.”

“Yeah, but the station needs a mechanic.”

“The station also needs someone to keep the books and make sure we all get paid,” Neil reminded him. “Caine didn’t invent a job for you.”

“Jeremy looks at me like I’m worth something,” Sam said softly. “He looks at me like he thinks he’s lucky to have me.”

“He is.”

“You’re my brother. You’re biased,” Sam said, but he smiled as he did. “Nobody else ever has. Alison didn’t even think that when I had a job and was contributing to the household. Once I lost my job, I wasn’t worth her time unless it was to yell at me. The men in Melbourne didn’t even see me. Not really. They saw a way to get their rocks off. In their defense, I didn’t really see them either. Jeremy, though, he sees me, and he still looks at me that way.”

“Damn, I guess I’d better get used to calling him Jeremy, hadn’t I?”

Chapter 15

N
EIL
went back to the party after they finished talking, but Sam’s mood had shifted. He wouldn’t be good company now and didn’t want to inflict his contemplative mood on anyone else. He walked back to the bunkhouse and found his Driza-Bone. It was a beautiful night, with the stars bright overhead, so Sam went back out to the veranda and leaned on the railing as he stared up at the night sky. The moon hadn’t risen or had already set, Sam didn’t know which, so he could see the full wash of stars. The majesty of it took his breath away.

“Hey there,” Jeremy said, coming up the road from the canteen. “You didn’t come back to the party. I got worried about you.”

“I’m okay,” Sam said. A smile broke over his face as he realized it was true. “I had a chat with Neil. He invited us to have dinner with him and Molly on Sunday.”

“Your brother, the one who hates me, invited us to have dinner with him? What did you say to him?”

“I told him about Alison, about you, about everything, pretty much,” Sam admitted. “I told him you looked at me like I was worth something.”