Packed and Ready to Go (3 page)

I searched his face for a moment, not sure what I expected to see. Happiness. Disappointment. Love. He blinked twice before looking away. I opened the car door and stepped out.

It took several seconds before my eyes adjusted to the dim lighting inside. A server rushed by, carrying a large tray of drinks balanced on the palm of her hand.

I made my way to the hostess stand and gave her our name.

“
Your table will be ready in a few minutes. Your party can wait in the bar if you’d like. I’ll come find you.”

I signaled to my parents, and followed the carpeted path to the wide oak bar. I dropped my clutch on the counter and signaled the bartender. Without hesitating, I ordered a sour apple martini, then turned to my parents. “What would you like?”

“
Let’s see.” My father scratched his chin, as if stimulating his brain. He always ordered scotch and water, but I played along with him.

“
I’ll have a white wine,” my mother piped up while my father continued to stroke his chin.

“
I want scotch and water,” he said.

“
Yeah, I knew that’s what you wanted.” I poked his ribs with my index finger. He kissed my cheek and winked. Being an only child gave me special moments with my father. But the secret winks made me feel most special. Like we shared a secret my mother would never be privy to.

Walter walked into the bar as the server returned with our drinks. He ordered a glass of ice water. I closed my eyes, hoping he wasn’t being cheap, but rather a responsible designated driver.

This day needed to be special. I wanted to imprint it on my memory as the day our daughter began her new life, and so did Walter and I. Unlike some women, I didn’t need to be beautiful to everyone, having them turn around to adore me as I passed by. I just wanted to be beautiful to Walter. For him to be happy he chose me. For him to rush home at the end of the day, to be with me. For me to be the only one for him.

My parents moved to the far corner of the bar and sat at a small table with cushioned seats. I climbed onto the padded barstool. Walter shoved his hands into his pockets, his attention focused on the door like he wanted to bolt. There was probably a sports games competing for his attention.

The shy college sophomore I fell in love with had morphed into such a dashing man. Back then he couldn’t get enough of me. We had snuggled in the twin-sized dormitory bed, talking until the early morning hours. I thought our love would last forever. How naïve. Now we were strangers and no matter how I tried, I couldn’t seem to stop thinking about my co-worker, Mario. Bits of conversations with him popped into my head at odd times. Often late at night while waiting for Walter to come home, images of Mario lying next to me kept me entertained. But, they were only fantasies, nothing I’d ever act on.

“
When will Crystal and Max get here? And where are your friends?” The edge was gone out of his voice now, as if he’d accepted his fate for the evening.

“
Crystal and Max will be here soon. They wanted to say good-bye to their friends. This is a big day for them.” I patted the bar stool next to me. “Come, sit and taste this. It’s delicious.” I pushed my martini toward him.

He sat and sipped the drink. “It’s good.” He hunched his shoulders, then placed his hand on my knee, making slow circles with his index finger as his hand inched up my thigh. That was him, distant one moment, loving and caring the next. All we needed to do was stretch the meaningful minutes into a lifetime. Could I gloss over the distance between us and look forward to some speck in the future filled with hope? Could I forget the loneliness of the past, cross my fingers and hope for something better? Did I want to?

His hand continued to inch along my thigh. This was the reason nothing ever got resolved with us. We ignored our problems, afraid to peek behind the curtain because maybe there were no answers there.

It had been weeks since we’d shared any intimacy. My fulfillment wouldn’t take place in the bar, but that didn’t stop the warm feeling from growing between my legs. My love for him always betrayed my common sense. My pulse sped up, roaring in my ears like a blender.

“
Somebody must be feeling better now,” I whispered.

“
I’m fine. Why’d you say that?” His hand felt warm against my flesh.

“
You’ve been a bit of a grouch.”

“
After this week my schedule should settle down.” The heavy sound of his voice stroked my already warm body.

“
Tonight maybe we can finish—” Before I could complete my sentence, Carla and Javier walked into the bar. Carla’s flaming red hair fell to her shoulders. Every eye in the bar turned to take in her sexy black halter dress.

“
Hi, girl.” She kissed my cheek. Carla could have been a model. Her flawless caramel complexion made her the most beautiful woman I knew. We had been friends since college.

I craned back on the stool to find Javier. His white shirt and khaki pants made him nearly invisible in the muted colors of the bar. But Mr. Personality’s hazel eyes danced with mischief as he leaned in and embraced me.

“
Hey beautiful,” Javier said to me.

“
Get outta here.” I swatted at his chest, but couldn’t help feeling embarrassed.

“
Did you cry?” Carla asked.

“
Here we go.” Walter slid off the bar stool and tried to recede to the far corner of the room. Before he reached the end of the bar, Javier grabbed his hand and shook it. I hoped he filled Walter’s ears with whatever had made his smile so bubbly today. Then I turned back to Carla.

“
No. I haven’t cried yet, but the night is young.”

“
Do whatever you feel you need to do. It’s okay, girl, it’s even expected.” She climbed on the stool vacated by Walter. “So what’s up with him? He didn’t even speak to me.” She waved at the bartender and ordered a cosmopolitan.

“
Who knows what’s up with him? It changes from day to day. Today he’s complaining about how much everything costs.” I took a sip of my drink. “He’s complaining about expenses, and yet last night he came home in a brand new, top of the line Lexus. We used to talk about large purchases. Now we don’t discuss anything.”

Carla glanced over her shoulder at Walter. “Wow. I guess you don’t approve of the car? And, from the grim expression on his face, I take it he’s still angry over your reaction.”

“
You guessed right.” I drained my glass and then ordered another.

“
Do you want to talk about it before you get drunk?” Carla asked.

“
Nope. I’d rather get drunk.”

“
I aim to please.” She raised her glass and took a gulp. “What time is Ursula coming?”

“
She should be here soon. You know we can’t have a celebration without both of Crystal’s godmothers.”

“
Will we get to meet Ursula’s mystery man tonight? She’s been dating him for weeks. I want to see the man who’s held her attention this long.”

“
She’s still keeping him a secret.” I sipped the martini the bartender placed in front of me.

“
Do you think he’s married?” Carla asked.

I hunched my shoulders. “That’s the first thing I asked. Maybe she wants to make sure she’ll keep him around.” I caught a glimpse of Walter at the end of the bar. “How’s your hubby?”

Javier stood at the end of the bar, trying to hold a conversation with Walter. My husband’s grip on his water glass and his blank stare indicated he wasn’t listening.

I turned to find Ursula standing behind us. “Are you talking about Javier again?”

“
Of course.” I pulled her into my arms and gave her a tight squeeze.

“
Are you alone?” Carla looked past Ursula toward the restaurant’s entrance.

“
Yes, I’m alone. And you’re being nosey,” Ursula responded, and then turned to me. “What’s the matter with you? If your face were any longer it would be in your drink.”

Before I could reply, Crystal and Max came through the restaurant door.

“
It’s nothing,” I replied. “We’ll talk later.” It was time to be happy.

During dinner champagne flowed, crab appetizers and an assortment of salads filled the table. I ate a loaf of bread smeared with butter while we reminisced about Crystal’s childhood and her crazy antics.

Max released a hearty laugh, then planted a kiss on Crystal’s lips. I couldn’t remember the last time I tasted Walter’s tongue. We managed a dry peck before running out the door some mornings. That was the extent of our romance. At night, we fell into bed too preoccupied with our days to pretend we cared about our marriage. I was half tempted to stick my tongue in Walter’s mouth, but I couldn’t. He abhorred public displays of intimacy.

I glanced across the table at Carla, needing to focus my eyes away from the pure lust I saw in Max’s eyes. Javier leaned on Carla’s chair, whispering something in her ear. She smiled and squirmed in her seat. Javier must have had his hand under her dress. At forty-one, Carla acted like a teenager. I wanted an ounce of her bravado, then I would contemplate a brief, satisfying moment with Mario.

Ursula twisted in her seat. “Get a room,” she said loud enough for everyone at the table to hear.

I covered my mouth to cackle. My mother’s mouth was slightly open with disapproval.

“
Crystal, I think we’ve got everything in place for your wedding soiree. It’s going to be a night of total decadence.” Carla straightened in her chair, forcing the attention back on Crystal.

“
There won’t be male strippers, will there?” Max asked.

“
Max, you know we have more class than that.” Ursula placed her hand on her chest.

“
Okay, Ms. Tracy, what’s up for the evening?” Max turned to me for an answer.

“
I have no idea. This is Carla and Ursula’s show. They’re just using my house.”

“
And remember, Walter,” Carla warned. “No men allowed, so make other plans that evening.”

“
Don’t worry about me. I have no intention of being there.” Walter propped his elbow on the table.

My stomach churned and for once I couldn’t blame it on hunger. Losing my daughter and my husband all at the same time fanned the fire brewing in my stomach.

***

After dinner, we drove my parents back to Philadelphia. The drive from Baltimore to Philly contained no more chitchat about Walter’s new car.

My mother and father still lived in their modest home in Fairmount Park, where I grew up. From the curb I could see the red tulips and golden yellow daffodils in my father’s garden against the front of the house.

“
Double park here and I’ll walk my parents to the door.” I unbuckled my seat belt and grabbed the door handle.

“
How long are you gonna be?” Walter asked.

“
As long as it takes. Turn on your expensive satellite radio while you wait.”

I helped my father climb the stairs, and glimpsed up the street at the house where Ursula grew up, where I spent so much time. I half expected to see her skip down the street with her doll in one hand and her pink and white hula-hoop over her shoulder.

“
Good night, Mom, good night, Dad. I’ll call you in the morning.” I kissed them both. “Thank you for sharing today with me and Walter.”

“
I wouldn’t have missed it for all the money in the world,” my father said. He touched my arms. “I’m exhausted and maybe a little tipsy. Don’t be too mad at Walter about the car. He works hard, so let him have his toy. A good wife lets her husband have at least one toy.”

“
Yeah. I know, Dad. And I’m a good wife.”

He held my glance for a moment before nodding and going inside.

My mother grabbed my arms as I started down the stairs. “Sweetie, it was a good day. A proud day.” She tightened her hold on my arm.

“
Yes, Mom, it was. Go on in now, it’s late.”

She lowered her voice and looked over her shoulder. “We didn’t talk about your father.”

“
Mom, it’s late. Not tonight?”

“
I know. And today with so much going on we couldn’t, but we need to.”

“
It’s late—”

“
Well, it don’t have to be right now, but don’t forget.”