Paradox Love: Paradox Love Book 1 (20 page)

The easiest item to carry was the one with the hard shell, the one that had a little weight to it.  She picked up the archaic cell phone gently in her teeth and carried it over to him. 

Luke was seated on an overturned bucket, looking through volumes of photographs.  He saw Sugar approach from the corner of his eye, but didn’t realize she had something in her mouth – not until she came up next to him and sat back on her heels. 

He looked over to see her holding his old cell phone.  He hadn’t seen it since he was a teenager.  It was like a museum artifact, a primitive gizmo long since discarded for superior models.

“Oh my God.” 

He placed his palm face up before her and she dropped it gently in his hand.  Sugar looked at him expectantly, wondering if what she’d found was as incredible as she supposed.  Luke looked down at the phone. 

There were spaces of time in his life where such an event would have brought him to his knees.  This time he looked to Sugar and to the phone and back again to Sugar.  He wanted to allow himself to make some profound connection between the dog and this phone, but he brushed it away, almost embarrassed to entertain the thoughts that flashed in his brain. 

Instead, he turned the phone over in his hand, marveling.  There were no tears.  He smiled at memories from long ago.  He smiled at a love that hung on tight for a lifetime, even with nothing to sustain it.  He smiled at the tenacity of his seventeen year-old love, Grace.  He smiled because she knew football as well as he did.  She could suggest a play he’d never considered, because she knew the talents of every guy on their high school team.  He smiled as he recalled her frustration with him and his inability to grasp all the concepts of high school chemistry. 

He smiled, knowing that her last moments in life were spent trying to find the perfect dress – for him.  He smiled because he knew that she would have been happy to go to the dance in sweat pants.  She didn’t care what anybody else thought.

He thought about trying to juice up the phone.  There were pictures stored, messages frozen in time.  He decided not to.  It was best to leave the memories where they were.  He was in a good place.  He could smile now without crying.  It was enough that Sugar had reminded him. 

She watched him hold the phone in his hands.  And then he began to stroke her.  “Good girl, Sugar.”  Her tail went about wagging briskly.  That was a sentence she understood.  He was pleased.  Without warning, he handed the phone back to her.

“It’s yours girl.  You can keep it.”

She took it gently in her mouth, her tail still going.  She was excited.  All this time in the attic seemed so pointless.  But now she’d found her very own treasure.  She turned to carry it out of the room and down the stairs. 

Luke stood up and brushed the dust from his shirt.  That was enough for today.  He went to the open chest and found the old shoebox.  Although tempted to sift through the items, he did not allow himself.  To do so was simply a form of self-torture.  He’d tortured himself his whole life.  It was time to let it go. 

He pulled the box out and walked over to place it in the sorted pile of items to be discarded.  He was saying goodbye not to Grace, but to the dreams of a life that could never be.  There was nothing inside that box that was going to make him feel better.  Not Grace’s sweet notes, their dating souvenirs, not the letter he’d received from Rebecca and never read.  None of it.  All he wanted now were his own memories. 

* * * * *

Seasons passed.  Winter nights were spent in the living room with the fireplace roaring.  Summers were spent at the lake, where Sugar would chase tennis balls along the shore and into the water.  Fall was a time for racing the football field.  Spring was always about renewal.  Luke continued to transform his childhood home into something new and fresh.  Every project served to erase a bit of the past.  By the age of sixty-two, he had transformed not just his house, but himself.  He was finally healed. 

Every day was a gift.  It was a simple life.  Most would not have been impressed.  Most would have wanted more.  But he was content to have created his own form of an ideal life.  He didn’t spend his time wishing away the days for something else. 

He woke up every morning, pleased that he’d been given another day.  He laughed more.  He was never cold at night, because Sugar was always tucked in tight beside him.  He marveled at the speeding heart within her chest, how her life was zooming ahead.  If there was one thing in life he regretted, it was only that he could do nothing to keep her from getting older.  He wanted Sugar to be with him until the end.

Life is always reminding us to be careful what we wish for.  Luke had Sugar until the end.  Right until the end.  But not her end.  One evening on the football field, while pitching tennis balls to his aging dog, Luke succumbed to a massive heart attack.  It seemed the universe had granted him the kindness to take him while he was in the very place he loved most in this world.

The city did not have a church big enough to hold his services.  There were too many men – men of all ages, who insisted that nothing was good enough for their coach but to memorialize him right there in the football stadium. 

The service took hours.  So many people wanted to talk about him.  To thank him.  To say goodbye.

A dog understands loss.  A dog knows what it is to be in the presence of a body, its soul flown away.  Sugar knew Luke was gone.  She had the good fortune to be returned to her former home.  Clare and Francis were still ticking along, even if slowly.  Once again, and for the last time, they accepted a homeless child into their home.

Sugar came to them as dog who seemed to understand that life was different now.  The best of times were behind her.  Still, she gifted the couple with her sweet disposition, her kind heart.  She didn’t sleep in bed with anyone anymore.  She had her own special place just in the spot her whelping box had long ago been. 

She slept there every night, never interested in a bone or a toy, but always with the ancient cell phone next to her.  Then one night without event or injury, she too was taken in her sleep, her journey to find Luke finally at an end.

CHAPTER Seventeen

This was the last time, the final ride.  She tried to soak it in, all of it.  Here they were again – the larger shooting star souls like herself and the tiny white twinkle lights moving down.  Some were on their way to reunions and others to new beginnings.

And then it occurred to her for the first time.  Gabe had gone with her.  He’d actually done it.  That he would go back to Earth and be subject to whatever experiences awaited him, that was bravery, and true friendship.  She owed him now more than ever before. 

She tried to envision where Luke had gone, which way he’d flown, but she could not get a sense of it.  She was only ever able to feel him while he was on Earth.  He was not there anymore.

They’d had their time together.  She was so grateful for that.  She couldn’t control the rules, but she could certainly bend them.  She
had
bent them.  She was proud of herself.  Exerting one’s free will was liberating.  She’d known what she wanted and she’d gotten it.  It would be difficult not to gloat.

It wasn’t all victorious, however.  Luke was now farther away than he’d ever been.  He was reuniting with his soul mates on another world.  He was having his assessment far away from her.  And for that reason, something would always be missing on Castellans.

The ride was slowing.  Once again, the floor moved beneath her, the walls formed on all sides.  For the first time, she felt as though she were actually returning home.  For the first time, she was ready to be here.  She was at peace.  The corridor opened up before her.  The light filled space filled her with warmth once again.  Gabe’s door was open.  She moved toward it. 

As she stepped into the corridor, she was immediately on her knees.  The pain was back – back and worse than ever – back and unbearable.  It captured her breath, so that she felt as though she were choking on the pain.  She looked up from the floor towards Gabe’s office.  She wanted to call for him, but she could not.

She tried to counsel herself through it. 
Breathe baby, breathe
.  She inched forward on all fours.  Holy crap, this was bad.  Even as she crawled towards Gabe’s office, she wished it were the assessment room.  She’d gladly go now.  There was nothing else to hold out for.  The assessment room meant relief. 

She used her arms to push herself up from the floor.  She crawled to the closest wall.  The cloudy white energy around her moved in closer.  She didn’t fight it.  She was begging for mercy.  She received it.  A flood of light and relief washed over her.  It wasn’t sufficient to dispel the pain, but it lessened enough that she could move.  She braced herself against the wall and rose to her feet.

Finally, she reached the open door.  She walked in and immediately used the chair next to her for support.  Even as she let herself fall into the seat, she realized Gabe wasn’t here.  Across his desk, sitting in his chair, was someone else. 

Her hair was fireball red, hanging in ultra tight ringlets to her chin.  Her eyes were midnight blue, her face decorated with a multitude of freckles.  She smiled at Grace’s entrance.

“You’re here!  Hello Grace!”

Nobody on Castellans had ever welcomed her with so much zeal. 

“I’m Liz.”

“Hi, Liz.  I’m miserable.”

The unexpected statement had Liz laughing before she could stop herself.  Her smile revealed double dimples and a redness in her cheeks.

“I don’t understand why this pain is back.  We had it beat.  It was gone.  What the hell is this?”

“Grace, this can be a confusing time.  I’m sure you have a ton of questions.  You’ll get all the answers when you have your assessment.”

“Yeah, yeah.”  She’d heard this all before.  “Where’s Gabe?”

“Gabe couldn’t be here.”  Liz was still smiling, but the mirth in her eyes was gone.

“Why not?”

“That’s a long story.”

Geez.  Was it really going to be like this again?

“Okay.  Okay.  Point me to my assessment.  I’ll see him at my retreat.”

Now the smile was gone, too.

“Holy crap, Liz.  What the hell is going on?”

Liz paused for a moment, before she spoke again.  When she said her next words, it seemed very much like she was just talking out loud to herself, more than she was to Grace.

“Well, I don’t see what difference it makes at this point.  It’s all a mess anyways.  Gabe isn’t here.”  She’d stopped talking, but she obviously had more to say.  “Gabe’s not here.”

“Okay, you said that.”

Liz swallowed hard.  “But Luke is.”

Grace froze, completely.  “What are you talking about?  What the
hell
are you talking about?”

“He arrived before you, Grace.  I tried to get him to go to his assessment, but he refused to go without you.  He’s been waiting in the transference room.”

Grace didn’t wait for the next word, although Liz kept right on talking.  Instead, she jumped from the chair and ran into the corridor, before promptly stopping in her tracks, her eyes on the transference room door.  He was there?  He was there?  It couldn’t be true.  They told her he was on another world. 

And then as she took the next step forward, the door to the left of her flew open with such force that the impact of the handle thrown back against the wall smashed a gaping hole.  Dust rose around her.  Her ears were ringing now.  She glanced through the open door.  Pietra was calling to her from inside the room.

“Grace!  Grace!  Come in!  Come in!  Let’s have a chat.  You’ve got questions and I’ve got the answers.  Come in, dear!”

Before Grace could respond, a domino of crashes began, as each door swung open, pounding against the wall.  She could not make out the individual voices, but within each room, a teacher was screaming for her to come in. 

In her previous time of need, they had all remained silent, their doors closed.  Now all doors were open – every instructor desperate to speak with her.  With every step forward, the barrage continued.  With each step she took, the screaming was louder.  She didn’t care what any of them had to say.  Nothing was keeping her from getting to that room.

By the time she reached the transference room door, Grace could not place the pain in her ears as lesser or worse than the pain in her chest.  She wanted in that room as much for her own physical relief as for what might be waiting inside. 

Everything she’d been through had led to this moment, and yet she could not believe what Liz had told her.  There was no longer a keyhole.  She reached for the knob.  This was not only a room of transference, but a room of illusion.  She’d seen Luke here before.  The illusion of him anyway.

There was only one way to know.  She ignored the storm coming at her from all directions, reached down, turned the knob and stepped inside. 

The pain was gone.  She reached up with her hands and placed them over that familiar place, just to make sure it was true.  It was. 

There was a cloudless sky overhead and a warmth from the sun.  Beneath her feet was the coolness of thick, green grass.  She walked ahead, finding herself at one end of a football field.   

Before her was a stretch of beautiful natural turf.  Above her, a goal post.  She stepped out further into the grass and shielded the sun from her eyes.  It was a regulation field with a proper stadium.  There were full bleachers to the left and right of her. 

She scanned the seats.  And there he was.  Halfway up, at the fifty yard line, there he was.  He’d seen her the whole time and had waited for her to find him.  Now he was up and moving towards her.  She stayed where she was, unable to move.  It wasn’t the first time she’d been in this room, indulging in an illusion.  She was far from letting herself be fooled.

But there he was.  He was in the grass coming to her and still she could not move.  No way this was real.  It wasn’t possible.  Closer and closer.  His feet were moving toward her.  The sound of the grass crunching under his feet was unworldly.  It was crazy.  And now he was there, right in front of her.

“Grace.”  His eyes were filling up.  It was all he could say.

Luke had never spoken to her in the illusion scenarios.  He’d never said a word. 

“Say it again,” she locked eyes with him just then.  “Say it again.  Say my name again.”

He wasn’t going to be able to do it without crying.  He didn’t want to break down standing in front of her.  He took the final paces, wrapping his arms around her, his tears spilling into her hair.

“Grace.  Grace.  Grace.”

She was crying now too.  His arms were around her, his tears on her face.  He was as she remembered him, her seventeen year-old love.  She’d been told to let him go and move on so many times.  She never could.  She never would.  They stood there crying until there were no more tears. 

When the tears were gone, there was a kiss.  His kissing had not changed, either.  It made her lightheaded.  Thankfully, he pulled her closer.  She needed the steadying.

While she wanted to be completely present in the moment, she was distracted with rising anger.  Why had they all lied?  She knew with everything in her that Luke was her soul mate.  The fact that he was here with her was the final, undisputable proof.  Now that they were together again, she was determined that never would she go anywhere without him.  Never would he go without her.  She wrapped her arms tighter around him.  They didn’t have to rush.  They had forever. 

There was no way to judge how long that kiss lasted, except by the weakness it produced in Grace’s legs.  She pulled back for a moment and gestured toward the grass.  He obliged, holding onto her and helping her down.  He rolled to his back and she half straddled him, one leg wrapped in his.  She rested her face on his chest.  His heartbeat strummed against her cheek.  She was never letting him go again. 

It was Luke who finally broke the silence.

“Where were you, Grace?  You died before I did.  I expected you to be here.”

“What did they tell you exactly?”

“Not much at all.  They just explained that I was done on Earth for now and that I would be moving on.  They said everything else would be explained when I had my assessment.  But none of it felt right, because you weren’t here.  I told them I wasn’t doing anything until I talked to you.”

She moved to rest her chin on her arm, so she could look into his eyes.  There was so much to say.  Part of her didn’t want to start talking.  This was a perfect moment, nothing else getting in the way of just loving him.  He had no idea what she’d endured to be with him.  And once she started to explain it, she knew she’d lose it. 

She took a deep breath and let the floodgates open, spilling every detail of what had happened to her since the accident.  Tears fell unchecked, she wiping his, and he wiping hers. 

As she recounted what she could recall of her lives on Earth all for the sake of being near him again, his heart was broken anew.  He did not know the baby pup who had died before she had a chance to find him.  But Noel he knew.  Lucy he knew.  Sugar he knew. 

And for every misty memory Grace could recall, Luke had ten more
vivid
ones.  His descriptions filled in all the missing parts, the parts that for Grace were shadowed images and feelings.  He completed the picture, filled in the details of her journeys.  And more than that, he confessed for the first time the strange instances of connection he’d had with these beautiful dogs, how each and served to heal a portion of his heart in their own way.

He’d always loved her.  Always.  But never had he been able to measure out with any justice the courage of this girl, his Grace.  And now, the realization that she had demanded they let her go back to him, that she’d suffered to go back, was bittersweet in the most potent way.  He sat up in the grass and held her, rocking her as they continued to talk.

She told him about Gabe and how he’d helped her.  She told him about Castellans’ supreme right of free will and how she’d defied them all to claim hers.  She told him about Abigail and the Council of five, about the origins of Castellans itself and everything she’d learned about their coming assessment and the retreat to follow.

He told her more about life on Earth after she died, about his addictions and his failures.  He was ashamed that he had been unable to live up to his dreams.  He admitted that no matter how many counseling sessions he’d had, how much valuable advice he’d been given, after she was gone, so was his motivation.

In the end they agreed.  No matter what they’d been through, it was all behind them.  From this point forward, they’d make their decisions together.  Their first resolution was that there was no hurry, even now.  This football stadium was a great place to be.  They found an equipment room and made use of it.  They ran plays, celebrated touchdowns and mock interceptions. 

They sat in the bleachers and talked some more.  Luke told her about the boys he’d coached over his career and what they’d gone on to achieve in their lives.  She relished that.  He spoke about it with such sincerity and passion.  It made her proud.  They talked about everything and then talked about it again, until they’d come full circle.  And there was still more to say.  They were back to Luke’s arrival on Castellans, before Grace had returned.