Paradox Love: Paradox Love Book 1 (22 page)

“It’s my fault.  I did that to him.” 

The puking was done.  It was time for the tears.  She didn’t know Jonas.  She didn’t want to cry in front of him.  She wanted to go cry alone.  The only shield at her disposal was her hands.  She covered her face with them, unable to hold back her tears.  This time Jonas anticipated the need, bringing forth a handkerchief, which he also stood to pull from his pocket before handing it to her. 

Jonas did not have a wealth of experience interacting with newcomers, at least not in recent times.  He’d taken his necessary rounds as a counselor when required, but that time had long since passed. 

This girl Grace was a baby, less than a baby – a being with essentially seventeen years of experience on Earth.  Yet this child before him wielded the power to degrade their world, bring its people to their knees.  The absurdity of it was maddening.  And yet he had no choice but to delicately traverse this fine line between telling the truth and not revealing everything.

“Grace, you have to understand that Gabriel knew exactly what he was doing.  He weighed his decision with the experience of millions of years of his own existence.  He knew what he was doing.  And what’s been done cannot be undone.  This you must accept.  He offered you up the future you dreamed of, the reality you begged for.  Luke is here with you.  You’ve been given everything you’ve asked for.  Honor that and claim your future with Luke.  You owe that much to Gabe, don’t you think?”

“I do.  Yes, I do.”

He continued.

“We all adapt, Grace.  Through your free will, you have created a new reality.  And as a creator of your own future, you have manifested your desires as well as any of us.  You should be proud of that.”

Was there something to that?  Was there something to the fact that the future is not set and we have the power to change it?  Was there something to the argument that wherever Gabe was, after all that had been said and done, he was exactly where he should be?  Because our lives are written by us, Gabe had written his own just as much as Grace had written hers?  And was it true that as all are immortal, Gabe could never truly be harmed?  That no matter where he was, he was safe, eternally safe?

Jonas watched as the sobs subsided.  Of all the excrements to come forth from a human being, puke and tears were now his least liked. 

He was growing less and less interested in experiencing life as a human himself.  Each of Castellans’ ascensions brought them one step closer to their next plane of existence.  Yes, they had much, much further to go.  Yet after having come so far, they were now teetering at a precipice. Delays were simply intolerable.  It was an opinion shared by many.  And those many were counting upon him to end the waiting.

“Have I answered all your questions, Grace?”

“I think so.”

“Very well.  And the good news is, anything else you want to know will come with your assessment.  Now, are you ready for that?”

Saying the word yes was too much of a commitment.  She nodded instead. 

“You know what you need to do.”

Another nod.

“Grace,
are you ready
?”

“Yes.”

She was ready to get back to Luke.  She knew that for certain.  Behind her, the door to her hall opened.  She stood up to leave.

“Thank you for talking to me.”

“Anytime, Grace.  We’ll speak again soon and you’ll introduce me to Luke.”

“Okay.”

“The boy who evoked a love so true it stopped an entire world in its tracks,” he said smiling.

Was it a sweet sentiment or the sarcastic remark of the Senior Chancellor of the Council of Five?

This time not even a nod was offered.  Grace walked toward the open door.  She leaned against the inside of the doorframe, resting for a moment before stepping back into the corridor.

CHAPTER nineteen

Once again, silence and stabbing pain.  She was ready to end her limbo, ready to move on with Luke.  She reentered Liz’ office, but did not sit this time.  There was no small talk, no discussion about her time with Jonas.

“Can you help me with Luke now?”

Liz was all cleaned up, shiny and new.  Her bright red hair hung in perfect spirals and as she bounced out of her chair, they bounced as well.

“Yes, of course.”

Liz was something else.  Her outfit evoked images of a 50s roller-skate diner.  She wore a knee length skirt, bright yellow with little cherries all over it.  On her feet, shiny red pumps.  Her top was short sleeved, crisp and white, buttoned all the way up.  She had an artificial red flower pinned to it like a broach.  She was certainly cheery.  Wearing her usual white pajamas, Grace wasn’t sure which one of them looked more ridiculous.

“Okay, let’s go.”  Grace wanted nothing more than to be at the end of this corridor as soon as possible.  They stepped out of the office together.

“You know, Liz, it would have been nice for you to tell me that Abigail was no longer the Senior Chancellor.”

“Abigail?  You said you wanted to see the Senior Chancellor.”

“Yes, but last time I was here, Abigail was Senior Chancellor.  She was the one I wanted to see.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.  Do you still want to see her?”

Grace locked her eyes on the transference room door at the other end of the corridor.  It felt like she’d been away for days.  She wanted to get back to him.

“I guess not.  I think I got what I needed from Jonas.”

“Okay.  Good.”

She was on her way, but the knot in her belly was unrelenting.  The pain in her chest a nightmare.  It was quiet here again, completely untouched.  She looked sideways at Pietra’s door as she passed.  And then it swung open silently, as if in response to her attention.

“Grace,” Pietra called to her.

Grace stopped, several feet from the open door.  She braced herself, anticipating another explosive episode.

“Grace,” her voice was softer this time.  “Look at me.”

Liz looked back over her shoulder, muttering, “Oh, not again.”

Grace’s eyes were frozen on the transference room door.  She didn’t want to turn around and look back.  She wasn’t going that way.

“Come on, Grace,” Liz nudged, “Luke is waiting.”

Grace felt a rising tide in her stomach.  She was going to be sick again.”

“Grace, look at me,” Pietra was still speaking to her back.

Needing relief in most urgent way, Grace’s eyes remained fixed on that door at the end of the hallway.

“You aren’t feeling well, Grace.  I can help.”

Finally, her eyes dropped to the floor.

Liz stepped in front of her to get her attention.  “Grace, Luke is waiting.”

Grace kept her eyes down.  Before her were Liz’ shiny red shoes.

“Grace, I can help you.  Let me help you,” Pietra’s voice came again.

Grace’s hands went to her belly.  She wanted to hold it in.  She didn’t want to be sick again.  Her chest was tight.  The pain was returning, dripping through her like a wet rag with water being squeezed from it.  Finally, she turned her head so see Pietra standing in the doorway of her classroom, gesturing to her.

“Come, Grace.”

She could have puked her way all the way down the hall to Luke. She could have.  But that door seemed so far away at this moment.  She turned her body slightly.  Pietra’s door was closer. 

Liz placed her hand on Grace’s shoulder.  “No Grace.  That’s not what you want.”

Once Grace had locked eyes with Pietra, that contact was like a tractor beam.  She was being drawn in.

Pietra knew it was working.  “Stay focused on me, Grace.  It’s a just a few steps.”

Grace’s head was spinning like the first seconds after a merry-go-round ride.  She stepped toward Pietra’s door.  Liz’ hand was still on her shoulder.  She pushed it off and took another step, and then another. 

Liz kept talking, kept trying to get her to move the other way.  But Grace couldn’t hear her anymore.  There was only Pietra’s voice now.

And when she was close enough, Pietra threw her arms around Grace and pulled her into an embrace.  At last, relief.  The contact brought her an instant reprieve from the pain and sickness.  Her head was no longer spinning.  Warmth ran through her, numbing the pain.  Pietra was still holding on.  Before she released Grace, she asked, “Feel better?”

“Oh my God, yes.  Thank you.”

“Good.”

Pietra let her go, but placed her arm around Grace’s shoulder and turned her, so that they could both see Liz. 

“Now Grace, ask your counselor, Liz, why she did not offer you the same relief that I have offered, a relief she was free to give.”

Grace looked to Liz.  Liz looked down before she brought her eyes back to Grace’s face.

“You didn’t ask me.”

She’d spoken to Grace in an entirely different tone than she had ever before.  Cheerfulness had turned to matter-of-fact.

“Now Grace,” Pietra spoke in her ear, “ask me to explain.”

Grace stood a bit taller, now that she was feeling better.  She did want to know.  Why had Liz let her suffer?

“Yes, please explain.”

“Well Grace, there are those of us who abide by the strictest form of universal law.  Liz would be among those.  She will honor your supreme right.  If you ask something of her and if she is capable of providing it, she will do so.  You might consider this to be quite noble.  But if, on the other hand, she bears witness to your suffering and you do not ask for help, neither will it be offered.  Simply put, she would rather see you suffer while honoring your free will than to bend the rules help you.”

Liz shifted her stance.  Grace looked at her and tried to understand.  How could you see someone in need and not help them, especially when it was so simple?

“Grace,” Pietra continued, “free will is a supreme right.  But it isn’t the only one.  Come inside and we’ll talk.  You have time, Grace,” she spoke reassuringly.  “I promise.”

Liz was chattering on now, but Grace wasn’t listening.  Pietra took note and withheld the smile that wanted out.  Her hand was still around Grace’s shoulder and once again, she was speaking into her ear.

“Grace, you have a powerful gift of manifestation.  If you want to, you can use that gift to remove her right now from this corridor.  You just have to want it, sincerely want it.  Manifest your will.  Summon her away.”

Grace looked to Liz and then closed her eyes in concentration. 
I want you to leave, Liz
. The words ran through her mind, although she did not speak them.  And then, without a word, Liz turned and walked back into her office, closing the door. 

Pietra looked to Grace.

“Well done!  Now come.” 

They turned and together walked inside.

* * * * *

The door closed behind them as they entered.  Pietra pulled her pen from behind her ear and then with a flourish, the appearance of the room was transformed from a classroom into something more like a comfortable living room.  Two blue and white checkered loveseats were facing each other and between them a coffee table with a teapot and cups.  Pietra sat on one sofa and gestured for Grace to take a seat opposite her before pouring tea for two.  Grace accepted her cup as the scent of lemongrass filled her nose.

“Thank you, Pietra.  Not just for the tea, but for helping me.  I honestly didn’t think I was going to make it, physically, I mean.”

“You’re welcome, dear.  Do I have your permission to speak without reservation?”

After everything she’d done, Grace was nowhere near refusing.

“Yes.”

“Let me tell you why you’re hurting.”

“Okay.”

“Grace, you are half of a twin flame soul.  The other half of that flame is your soul mate.  And the single most painful experience for a twin flame soul is to be separated from their other half.  You will only experience the physical manifestation of that pain while here, in between the worlds of Earth and Castellans.  Here is where you are vulnerable to that pain.  Once you have completed your assessment you’ll be free of it.  Free of the physical pain, anyway.  But there are other forms of pain and I would venture to guess that you will not be free of those.”

“But Luke is
here
.”

“Yes, but you see,
Gabriel
is not.”

Grace abruptly placed her tea on the table, not so carefully.

“But
Luke
is here.”

It was difficult to witness the weight of the words being piled upon Grace.  And yet, it was only going to get worse.

“Luke is not, nor ever could be your soul mate, I’m afraid.  The other half to the flame from which you emerged is Gabriel.”

Grace wished she hadn’t drank the tea.  She was afraid her stomach would begin to churn again.

“Drink the tea, Grace.  I offered it, because it will help.”

Instead Grace put her face in her hands.

“He lied to me.  He lied to me about everything.”

“Not so much, Grace.”

“He told me my pain would go away as I let go of Luke, that every time I went to Earth to find him and then returned, that it would be less.”

“And wasn’t it?”

“Yes, but not because of Luke.”

“Well that part, yes.  He might have taken some liberties, but he was trying to give you want you wanted.  That is Gabriel.  That is Gabriel’s love for you.  The truth is that the more time you spent with Gabriel, the less pain you would feel.  That is why each time you returned to Castellans, it weakened.  It was because you were in the presence of your soul mate.”

“But why would he do that?  Why would he let me go back to Earth all for the purpose of reuniting me with someone he knew was the love of my life?  Why would a man who is my soul mate do that?”

“Because love isn’t selfish.  Because he saw your pain and he wanted to provide you relief.  Because he knew that no matter what experiences you were having on Earth, in the end, nothing could keep you from him.”

It was so difficult to sit still.  It was not fathomable that anyone would do that much for someone they loved.  She doubted whether she would be able to.  Release the one you loved to someone else’s arms?

“He was not really my counselor.”

“He was.  The best counselor you could have hoped for.  He gave you what others would have denied.  Without him, you would have sat in that hallway until the day Luke passed from his life on Earth, never having the opportunity to connect with him quite possibly for the rest of your existence.”

Grace sipped at her tea, but only to calm the rising tides.  It was possible to puke here.  She knew that.  She felt a wave of cold sweats building. 

Pietra continued.  “But in another sense, you are correct.  He was not really supposed to be your counselor.  The two of you had an agreement.  From the time Castellans had built the proper structure and process for souls returning from Earth, you and Gabriel agreed that you wanted no one but the other of you to be your counselor.  You wanted always that Gabriel be the first face you saw, even if you did not remember him.  And Gabriel wanted your face.”

“I am in love with Luke.  I did everything I did because of that love.  It’s everything to me.”

Pietra wore a long, colorful skirt and a black turtleneck sweater with a string of large beads to match the colors in her skirt.  Her hair was as black as her sweater, hanging long in dozens of braids.  She would often pull a loose one back and tuck it in behind her ear.

“I’m sorry to state it so bluntly, Grace.  But you have loved Luke for seventeen years as a student of Earth.  You have loved Gabriel for millions of years as a citizen of Castellans.  There simply is no scale that would place them at equal measure.”

She wanted to feel something like that kind of love for Gabe.  She wanted to have a sense of this powerful love that Pietra was talking about.  She could imagine it.  She could believe that it was true.  But right now, she could not feel it.

“My pain is the worst it’s ever been.  And I’m on Castellans.  Why is it so bad?”

“The further you are from your soul mate, the worse it will be.  Gabe is on another world.  Can’t get much farther away than that.”

“How is it that he’s on another world when this is his home?  How is that possible?  Which world?”

“Some of that is not clear just yet, I’m afraid.  I have an idea of what happened.  That is all.”

“What?  What happened?”

“Let me try to explain in a way that you will understand.”

Whenever she was working to translate into words the vast knowledge collected over millions of years, Pietra would often pull the pen from behind her ear and chew it momentarily, as if this act alone served to coax the flow from her brain to her lips.