Passing as Elias (17 page)

It was as though time may end at any moment, and they would not get another chance for a lifetime. Merrill placed a shaking hand to Elizabeth’s chest, and attempted to undo the buttons of her vest.

Elizabeth whispered, “
No
,” through their kiss, and Merrill dropped her hand. She did not want to get carried away. The thought of Merrill discovering her secret would be deeply upsetting for both of them.

Merrill shook from head to toe, due to nerves, and the forbidden nature of lust for her employer when she had been betrothed.

Elizabeth tried to rationalize her actions, but her brain was overcome with a strange new feeling. It spread from the pit of her stomach, and caused her heart to swell to twice it’s size. It flooded her brain until all rational thought was eradicated, and she was left with nothing but a burning desire for Merrill.

They broke apart, and Elizabeth pressed her forehead to Merrill’s. She inhaled Merrill’s scent and allowed the beating of her heart to return to normal. Merrill was breathing hard, and her shaking hands were upon Elizabeth’s chest.

“I have imagined that kiss for over a fortnight,” Elizabeth whispered.

“I never thought … you would be interested in me,” Merrill clutched at Elizabeth’s clothes.

“You are intoxicating.” Elizabeth gave a small smile, “To be honest I had never thought of you this way until that day in the meadow. I guess you got into my head.”

Merrill sighed, “Sir,” she said after a moment’s silence, “might we … might I stay?”

“You may stay as long as you wish,” Elizabeth smiled, and ran a hand down Merrill’s face.

“Tonight?”

“What about it?”

“No, I mean … may I stay? Tonight.”

Elizabeth sat back and looked at Merrill’s face, “You want to stay the night?” she asked.

“Aye, sir,” Merrill had turned a deep shade of scarlet. “But, I mean … if you would not like it. Obviously you would not. How silly of me to-”

But Elizabeth had cut her sentence short with another kiss. Merrill responded with such enthusiasm that she practically jumped into Elizabeth’s lap.  Somewhere in the back of Elizabeth’s mind, a thought had occurred to her. Was she interested in Merrill because she had dressed as a man for too long? Or was she dressing as a man as an excuse to be with Merrill? Elizabeth was not sure which one was the truth any more, but at that moment it did not matter.

Their tongues caressed, and Merrill straddled Elizabeth’s thighs. Her dress was splayed in all directions across the sofa, and Elizabeth held her waist tenderly, longing to be closer, but knowing it could never be.

Things were becoming increasingly passionate. Merrill arched her neck and allowed Elizabeth’s lips to trail down her nape. She bit the flesh gently, and Merrill let out a small gasp.

~

Merrill lay in Elizabeth’s bed, snoring gently, her hair askew across her pretty face. They had retired when the sun had set, yet Elizabeth had not dared to progress beyond simple kissing. Elizabeth watched her sleep, her stomach aching with an unnamable pain. Merrill had cried whilst they had kissed.

Merrill had tried several times to unbutton Elizabeth’s shirt – but she had stopped her every time. At one stage, Merrill’s shaking hand had even cupped Elizabeth’s crotch. She knew that Merrill did not know what a man’s member should feel like through clothes, for she had not expressed any surprise. Elizabeth had removed her hand quickly, for fear Merrill would feel the socks that had been packed into her breeches.
Socks
. That was all Elizabeth had to offer. A lie. This kept her awake all night.

Merrill’s skin glowed pearly white in the rays of moonlight that pooled in through the open curtains. She lay curled in a ball, looking tiny in the large bed. Elizabeth lay with her head propped upon her hands, and watched Merrill sleep. Logically, she could not continue this behavior with Merrill. It would hurt to end it, and Merrill would be extremely upset. Yet, the alternative would be much worse. What could come of this? They could continue to court in secret, until … what? Until Merrill announced her love for Elias Searson? Until she wanted to get married? Elizabeth knew that nothing good could come of this, but it did not change the fact that she had fallen in love with another woman.
Me
, she thought amusedly,
in love with another woman
. It felt like the most natural thing in the world.

Chapter Nine

Touching Merrill

This continued for another week. Merrill had gotten into the habit of sneaking out of her home during the night, and visiting Elias. She had given Merrill a key to the front door so she could come and go as she pleased. This had resulted in late night wanderings on Merrill’s behalf. On numerous occasions Elizabeth had woken to Merrill sneaking through the front door. Of course, this did present a problem, because it meant Elizabeth must be disguised as Elias constantly. She fretted about her wig coming off during the night, so she slept very little while Merrill was there. Never did Elizabeth allow Merrill to touch her in a sexual manner, though Merrill tried often. On the seventh night in a row of sharing a bed, Merrill lay with her head propped upon her hands, and watched Elizabeth.

“Is everything all right, Merrill?” Elizabeth asked, turning to face her.

“Mmmh,” she said, running a hand along Elizabeth’s nightshirt. She had started wearing it because Merrill was always coming over now.  Elizabeth’s chest was extremely sore from being bound tightly so often. 

“Sir, are you afraid to be close to me?” Merrill asked after a minute of silence.

“No,” Elizabeth lied.

“Why do you not let me touch you?”

“Because,” Elizabeth said, racking her brain, “
because
you are only seventeen, Merrill, and are not yet married. A man and a woman must be married before they can…” she trailed off.
A man and a woman
, she thought irritably.

“I did not think it would bother you, sir,” Merrill fingered a button on Elizabeth’s nightshirt. Elizabeth swatted her hand away, and she looked slightly hurt.

“Do you not find me attractive?” she asked. 

Elizabeth screwed up her eyes and prayed, for what she did not know. A  penis?
No
.

For Merrill to want her, even as a woman?
Yes
.

“Of course I do,” Elizabeth reassured, “I do not wish to …
spoil
you.”

“Have you ever made love before, Mister Searson?”

Elizabeth was caught off guard by this bold question. What would the appropriate answer be? Yes, Elizabeth had had sexual intercourse with George Greenwood, but that had hardly counted as “making love”, especially not in the way that Merrill imagined.

“I am not a virgin Merrill, no,” Elizabeth said honestly.

“What was she like?” Merrill whispered.

Elizabeth sat up in bed, and pinched the bridge of her nose. She was frustrated by Merrill’s persistence. If only Merrill knew how badly Elizabeth wanted to touch her. If only she knew how she burned with desire.

“Merrill, please,” Elizabeth begged, “I do not wish to talk about it.”

“Did she leave you, sir?” Merrill persisted. “Is that why you are afraid to be close?”

Elizabeth could not handle it anymore, “Merrill,” She said warningly.

“I would not leave you. I would not hurt you.”

“It is not
my
feelings I am worried about,” Elizabeth said through gritted teeth.

“You will not hurt me, sir. I promise.” Merrill seemed desperate now, desperate for Elizabeth to love her in the way a man and a woman should. Oh, if only she knew how much Elizabeth
did
love her. More than anything in the world.

“I fear I might hurt you,” Elizabeth said, avoiding Merrill’s eyes.

And then Merrill did something that Elizabeth had not expected. She grabbed Elizabeth’s hand and thrust it underneath her nightdress, between her thighs. Elizabeth’s heart felt as though it were locked it a vice. She was frozen to the spot.

“
Please,
” Merrill whispered, leaning forward and pressing her bosom against Elizabeth, “please.”

Elizabeth could feel the heat emanating from Merrill’s crotch. Her hand cupped the hot mound, and she could feel the wetness there, soaking her fingers. Merrill forced her lips upon Elizabeth’s, and kissed her hungrily. She straddled Elizabeth and held her hand in place against her crotch. Elizabeth could not have moved away if she had wanted to.

“Please, touch me,” Merrill breathed through their kiss. Her warm breath washed over Elizabeth, and she felt drunk from it. She was intoxicated by Merrill and did not want to fight the burning sensation between her own thighs. Merrill was shaking as she kissed along Elizabeth’s jaw.

Elizabeth groaned as Merrill’s lips met the nape of her neck. It was a deep, animalistic sound that she had never heard escape from her own mouth before.

“Please, sir,” Merrill begged, “I want you to touch me.
Please
.” Merrill used Elizabeth’s own fingers to rub against her crotch.

Elizabeth complied.

Shivers ran down Elizabeth’s spine, and the thrill was exhilarating. She was overwhelmed with the scent, and the feel of Merrill, who ground herself against Elizabeth’s hand. She rubbed, and massaged, and toyed with the little nub between Merrill’s sweet folds. She writhed and panted into Elizabeth’s neck. Elizabeth allowed one finger to sink between the folds, and could feel the warm velvet inside her. Merrill gasped, and clenched her thighs against her. For a moment Elizabeth feared she may have hurt her, but that did not seem to be the case. Merrill ground against Elizabeth, her movements becoming more fervent as she whispered the name Elias.

“
Elias,
” she said over and over. Elizabeth felt a wave of fresh jealousy, but she did not stop. She slid another finger inside Merrill, and felt how tight she was. Of course Merrill was a virgin, this may have been the first time anyone had ever touched her like this. Would Merrill be upset that her first sexual encounter had been with a woman? Elizabeth would not allow her to discover the truth. She could not bear to lose Merrill.

Merrill gasped, and buried her face in the crook of Elizabeth’s neck. She bit down, and Elizabeth could not help but moan. Elizabeth was wet, and her own crotch tingled torturously, but there could be no satisfaction. The knowledge of this almost drove her mad with desire.

At long last, Elizabeth felt the hot walls of Merrill’s womanhood tighten around her fingers. Merrill cried out, clenched her thighs around Elizabeth’s hand, and gave a small convulsion.  A wave of warmth washed over Elizabeth’s hand, and they were both left panting in each other’s arms.

“I do love you,” Elizabeth whispered into Merrill’s hair, “I love you, Merrill.” She could not stop the words rushing forth. It was as though she could not hold them in any longer. Elizabeth said it over and over again, while Merrill clutched her. When Merrill released her, tears streaked her face, and Elizabeth kissed them away. 

“Elias.” She kissed Elizabeth deeply. Their tongues swirled, and Elizabeth felt a pang of pain through her heart.

~

It had been the best, and worst night of Elizabeth’s life. She reveled in Merrill’s love and admiration as they held each other all through the night, kissing, and embracing. Yet something heavy weighed her heart down, and it was the knowledge that this could not last. Eventually, it would all come undone, and Elizabeth would be revealed as an imposter. When the truth came out, Merrill would leave her.

Perhaps, Elizabeth should run away, or fake her own death, for the thought of Merrill abandoning her would be so painful she might die from it. Perhaps, they could depart on terms that would leave Elizabeth’s memory a good one in the eyes of Merrill. After all, Merrill did not
need
to know that Elias Searson was really a woman. Yet, this deception caused Elizabeth great internal pain. The guilt was almost paralyzing. 

If the public discovered that Elizabeth had “tricked” a young woman into her bed she would surely receive a public flogging. Or worse, they would send her to the mad house. Yet, the fear of this did not match Elizabeth’s fear of Merrill leaving her.

When the sun rose, Merrill lay cocooned against Elizabeth. She was curled into a ball, with Elizabeth’s free arm wrapped around her stomach. Elizabeth had slept badly, as usual. With immense effort, she removed herself from the bed without waking her lover, and proceeded to the washroom across the hall.

She locked the door behind her, and finally took off the disguise that had taken over her life. It was an immense relief to stand naked in front of the full-length mirror. She stared at her reflection, and the bruise upon her neck. It was like a brand that Merrill had given her, claiming Elias as her own. She touched it with her fingertips and sighed.