Penny Dreadful Multipack Vol. 1 (Illustrated. Annotated. 'Wagner The Wehr-Wolf,' 'Varney The Vampire,' 'The Mysteries of London Vol. 1' + Bonus Features) (Penny Dreadful Multipacks) (186 page)

"THE SERVANTS' ARMS"

UPON the same day that this event took place, Mr. Whittingham, the
butler of Richard Markham, had solicited and obtained permission to pass the
evening with a certain Mr. Thomas Suggett, who occupied the distinguished post
of
 
valet de chambre
 
about the person of the
Honourable Arthur Chichester. Whittingham was determined to enjoy himself: he
seemed suddenly to have cast off twenty years from his back, and to walk the
more upright for having rid himself of the burthen; his hat was slightly cocked
on one side; and, as he walked along, with Mr. Thomas Suggett tucked under his
arm, he struck his silver-headed bamboo, which he always carried with him when
he went abroad on Sundays and holidays, very forcibly upon the pavement. Mr.
Suggett declared "that, for his part, he was very well disposed for a
spree" and he threw into his gait a most awful swagger, which certainly
excited considerable attention, because all the small boys in the streets
laughed at him as he wended on his way.
    "I wonder what them urchins are garping at so,' said
Whittingham." It mystificates me in no inconsiderable degree. Raly the
lower orders of English is exceedingly imperlite. I feel the most inwigorated
disgust and the most unboundless contempt for their manners."
    "That's jist like me," observed Suggett: " I
can't a-bear the lower orders. I hate everythink wulgar. - But, by the bye, Mr.
Whittingham, do you smoke?"
    " I can't say but what I like a full-flavoured Havannah
- a threepenny, mind," added the butler, pompously.
    "Just my taste, Mr. Whittingham. If I can't afford
threepennies, I won't smoke at all."
    Mr. Suggett entered a cigar shop, purchased half-a-dozen
real Havannahs, (manufactured in St. John-street, Clerkenwell), joked with the
young lady who served him, and then presented the one which he considered the
best to his companion. The two gentlemen's gentlemen accordingly lighted their
cigars, and then continued their walk along the New Road, in the vicinity of
which Mr. Whittingham had met Mr. Suggett by appointment upon this memorable
afternoon.
    In a short time Mr. Suggett stopped suddenly at the door of
a large white public-house, not a hundred miles distant from the new church,
St. Pancras.
    "This is a nice crib," said he. "Excellent
company; and to-night there is a supper at eleven."

    "The very identified thing,"
acquiesced Mr. Whittingham; and into the public-house they walked.
    Nothing could be more neat and cleanly than the bar of the
 
Servants' Arms
 
- no one more obliging nor
bustling than the "young lady behind the bar. The
 
Servants' Arms
 
was reported to draw the best liquor in all the neighbourhood; and
its landlord prided himself upon the superiority of his establishment over
those which sold beer "at three-pence a-pot in your own jugs." And
then what a rapid draught the landlord had for all his good things, and how
crowded was the space before the bar with customers.
    "Glass of ale - mild, Miss, if you please," said
one.
    "A quartern of gin and three outs, Caroline,"
cried a second, who was more familiar.
    "Pint of half-and-half, here," exclaimed a
third. 
    "Six of brandy, warm, Miss - four of gin, cold, and a
pint of ale with the chill off - parlour!" ejaculated the waiter, who now
made his appearance at the bar.
    "Pot of porter; and master's compliments and can you
lend him yesterday's
 
Advertiser
 
for half an hour or so I said a
pretty little servant girl, placing a large yellow jug on the bright lead
surface of the bar.
    "Pot of ale, and a screw, Miss."
    "Pint of gin, for mixing, please."
    "Bottle of Cape wine, at eighteen, landlord."
    "Four-penn'orth of rum, cold without."
    "Half pint of porter, and a pipe, Caroline."
    Such were the orders, issued from all quarters at the same
moment, and to which Caroline responded with incredible alacrity; finding time
to crack a joke with the known frequenters of the house, and to make a pleasant
observation upon the weather to those whose faces were strange to her; - while
the landlord contented himself with looking on, or every now and then drawing a
pot of beer, apparently as a great favour and in a lazy independant manner. Nevertheless,
he was a good, civil kind of a man;
 
only somewhat independent,
because he was growing rich. He was never afraid at the end of the mouth to see
Truman and Hanbury's collector, and Nicholson's man, alight from their gigs at
his door. They were always sure to find the money ready for them, when they
sate down to write their receipts in the little narrow slip of a parlour behind
the bar. In fact, the landlord of the
 
Servants' Arms
, was reported to be doing
"a very snug business:" - and so he was.
    Messrs. Whittingham and Suggett sauntered leisurely into the
parlour of the
 
Servants' Arms
, and  took their seats at the only table which
remained unoccupied.
    "Good evening, Sir," said the waiter, addressing
Mr. Suggett with a sort of semi-familiarity, which showed that the latter
gentleman was in the habit of using the house.
    "How are you, William?" cried Mr. Suggett, in a
patronising manner. "George been here lately?"
    "Not very: I think he's down in the country."
    "Oh! Well, what shall we have, Mr Whittingham - brandy
and water?"
    "That's my inwariable beverage, Mr. Suggett."
    "Two sixes, gentlemen?" said the waiter.
    "No," answered Mr. Whittingham, solemnly,
"two shillings' worth, to begin with."
    The liquor was supplied, and when the two gentlemen had
tasted it, and found it to their liking they glanced around the room to survey
the company. It soon appeared that Mr. Suggett was well known to many of the
gentlemen present; for, upon making his survey, he acknowledged, with a nod or
a short phrase, the bows or salutations of those with whom he was acquainted.
    "Ah! Mr. Guffins, always up in the same corner,
eh?" said he, addressing a middle-aged man in seedy black: "got a new
work in the press, 'spose? You literary men contrive to enjoy yourselves, I
know. How do you do, Mr. Mac Chizzle?" looking towards a short,
pock-marked man, with a quick grey eye, and black hair combed upright off his
forehead: "how get on the clients? Plenty of business, eh? Ah I you
lawyers always contrive to do well. Mr. Drummer, your servant, sir. Got a good
congregation still, sir?"
    "The chapel thriveth well, I thank you - as well as can
be expected in these times of heathen abominations," answered a
demure-looking middle aged gentleman who was clad in deep black and wore a
white neck-cloth, which seemed (together with  the condition of his shirt
and stockings) to denote that although he had gained the confidence of his
flock, he had certainly lost that of his washer- woman. After having taken a
long draught of a pint of half-and-half which stood before him, he added,
"There is a many savoury vessels in my congregation - reputable, pious,
and prayer-full people, which pays regular for their sittings and fears the
Lord."
    "Well, I am glad of that," ejaculated Mr Suggett.
"But, ah!" he cried, observing a thin white haired old gentleman,
with huge silver spectacles hanging half-way down his nose,- "I'm glad to
see Mr. Cobbington here. How gets on the circulating library, eh,-sir?"
    "Pretty well - pretty well, thank'ee," returned
the bookseller: "pretty well - considering."
    A great many people qualify their observations and answers
by the addition of the word "
considering
;" but they seldom
vouchsafe an explanation of what is to be considered. Sometimes they use the
phrase "
considering all things
;" and then the mind has so much
to consider, that it cannot consider any one thing definitively. It would be
much more straightforward and satisfactory if persons would relieve their
friends of all suspense, and say boldly at once, as the case may be, "
considering
 
the execution I have got in my
house;" or "
considering
 
the writ that's out against me;" or even "
considering
 
the trifling annoyance of not
having a shilling in my pocket, and not knowing where to look for one."
But, somehow or another, people never will be candid now-a-days; and Talleyrand
was right when he said that "language was given to man to entable him to
conceal his thoughts."    
    But to continue.
    Mr. Suggett glanced a little further around the room, and
recognized another old acquaintance.
    "Ah! Snoggles, how are you?"
    "Very well, thank'ee-how be you?"
    "Blooming! but how come you here?"
    "I dropped in quite permiscuously," answered
Snoggles, "and finding good company, stayed. But it is up'ards o' three
years since I see you, Mr. Suggett."
    "About. What grade do you now fill in the profession?
Any promotion?"
    "I'm sorry to say not," replied Mr. Snoggles,
shaking his head mournfully. "I've tumbled off the box down to a level
with the osses;" which, being interpreted, means that Mr. Snoggles had
fallen from the high estate of coachman to the less elevated rank of ostler.
"But what rank do you
 
now
 
hold?"
    "I left off the uniform of
 
tiger
 
last month," answered Mr. Suggett,
"and received the breve o walley-de-chambre."
    "That gentleman one of the profession?" demanded
Snoggles, alluding to Mr. Whittingham.
    "Mr. Markham's butler, sir, at your service,' said
Whittinghain, bowing with awe-inspiring stiffness: "and I may say, without
exaggerating, sir, and in no wise compromising my indefatigable character for
weracity, that I'm also Mr. Markham's confidential friend. And what's more,
gen'leman," added the butler, glancing proudly around the room. "Mr.
Richard Markham is the finest young man about this stupendous city of the whole
universe - and that's as true as that this is a hand."
    As Mr. Whittingham concluded this sentence, he extended his
arm to display the hand relative to which he expressed such confidence; and
while he flourished the arm to give weight to his language, the aforesaid hand
encountered the right eye of the dissenting parson.
    "A case of assault and battery," instantly
exclaimed Mr. Mac Chizzle, the lawyer; "and here are upwards of a dozen witnesses
for the plaintiff."
    "I really beg the gentleman's pardon," said
Whittingham.
    "Special jury - sittings after term - damages five
hundred pounds," exclaimed Mac Chizzle.
    "No harm was intended," observed Suggett.
    "Not a bit," added Snoggles.
    "Verdict for Plaintiff - enter up judgment - issue
execution -
 
ca. sa.
 
in no time," said Mac
Chizzle doggedly.
    "I am used to flagellations and persecutions at the
hands of the ungodly," said the Reverend Mr. Drummer, rubbing his eye with
his fist, and thereby succeeding in inflaming it.
    "Perhaps the reverend gentleman wouldn't take it amiss
if I was to offer him my apologies in an
 
extra powerful glass of brandy
and water!" exclaimed Whittingham.
    "Bribery," murmured Mac Chizzle.
    "No, let us have a bowl of punch at once,"
exclaimed  Suggett.
    "And corruption," added the lawyer.
    The bowl of punch was ordered, and the company  was
invited to partake of it. Even Mr. Mac Chizzle did not hesitate; and the
dissenting minister, in order to convince Mr. Whittingham that he entirely
forgave him, consented to partake of the punch so often that he at length began
slapping Mr. Whittingham upon the back, and declaring that he was the best
fellow in the world.
    The conversation became general; and some of it is worth
recording.
    "I hope to have your patronage, sir, for my circulating
library," said Mr. Cobbington to the butler.
    "Depends, sir, upon the specified nature of the books
it contains," was the reply.
    "I have nothing but moral romances in which vice is
always punished and virtue rewarded."
    "That conduct of yours is highly credulous to
you."
    "All books is trash, except one," observed Mr.
Drummer, winking his eyes in an extraordinary manner. "They teaches naught
but swearing, lewd conversation, ungodliness, and that worst of all vices -
intemperance."
    "I beg you to understand, sir," exclaimed Mr.
Guffins, who had hitherto remained a silent spectator of the proceedings,
although a persevering partaker of the punch; "I beg you to understand,
Mr. Drummer,
 
my
 
works, sir, are not the trash you
teem to allude to."
    "I won't understand nothing nor nobody," answered
the reverend gentleman, swaying backwards and forwards in his chair.
"Leave me to commune with myself upon the vanities of this wicked world,
and - and - drink my punch in quiet."
    "Humbug!" exclaimed the literary man, swallowing
his resentment and the remainder of his punch simultaneously.
    "Ah!" said the bookseller, after a pause;
"nothing now succeeds unless it's in the comic line. We have comic Latin
grammars, and comic Greek grammars; indeed, I don't know but what English
grammar, too, is a comedy altogether. All our tragedies are made into comedies
by the way they are performed; and no work sells without comic illustrations to
it. I have brought out several new comic works, which have been very
successful. For instance, '
The Comic Wealth of Nations
;' '
The Comic
Parliamentary Speeches
;' '
The Comic Report of the Poor-Law Commissioners
,'
with an Appendix containing the '
Comic Dietary Scale
;' and the '
Comic
Distresses of the Industrious Population
.' I even propose to bring out a '
Comic
Whole Duty of Man
.' All these books sell well: they do admirably for the
nurseries of the children of the aristocracy. In fact they are as good as
manuals and text-books.
    "This rage for the comic is most unexpressedly
remarkable," observed the butler.
    "It is indeed!" ejaculated Snoggles; and, in order
to illustrate the truth of the statement, he jerked a piece of lemon-peel very
cleverly into the dissenting parson's left eye.
    "That's right - stone me to death!" murmured the
reverend gentleman. "My name is Stephen - and it is all for righteousness'
sake! I know I'm a chosen vessel, and may become a martyr. My name is Stephen,
I tell you - Stephen Drum-um-ummer!"
    He then began an eulogium upon rneekness and resignation
under injuries, and reiterated his conviction that he was a chosen vessel; but,
becoming suddenly excited by a horse-laugh which fell upon his ear, he forgot
all about the chosen vessel, and lifted another very savagely from the table.
In a word, he seized a pewter pot in his hand, and would have hurled it at Mr.
Snoggles' head, had not Mr. Whittingham stopped the dangerous missile in time,
and pacified the reverend gentleman by calling for more punch.
    "We must certainly have those two men bound over to
keep the peace," said Mac Chizzle; "two sureties in fifty, and
themselves in a hundred, each."
    " I shall dress the whole scene up for one of the
 
Monthlies
," observed Mr. Guffins.
    "If you do, you'll be indictable for libel," said
Mac Chizzle. "The greater the truth, the greater the libel."
    In the meanwhile Suggett and his friend Snoggles drew close
to each other, and entered into conversation.
    "It must be about three years since I saw you last,
said the latter.
    "Three year, come January," observed Suggett.
    "Ah! I've seed some strange wicissitudes in the
interval," continued Snoggles. "I went abroad as coachman, with a
dashing young chap of the name of Winchester —"
    "The devil you did! how singular! why my present
guvner's name is Chichester."
    "Well, I des say they're cousins then," said the
ostler; "but I hope your'n won't treat you as mine did me. He seemed to
have no end of tin for some months, and lived - my eye, how he lived! King's
Bench dinners ain't nothin' to what his'n was; and yet I've heard say that the
prisoners live there better than their creditors outside. Howsomever - things
didn't always go on swimmingly. We went to Baden - called so cos of the baths;
and there my guvner got involved in some gambling transactions, as forced him
to make his name