Pep Talks (Pepper Jones #4) (10 page)

Lexi likes my motivation and joins me in my mission to sneak a set of speakers outside. It’s not very cloak and dagger, and I notice some of Jace’s teammates raising their eyebrows, but no one stops us. We successfully recruit Caroline and Gina to get our dance party going, and it doesn’t take long before the entire women’s cross team, and a few of the guys too, are getting our groove on on the front lawn of the football house.

I’m letting myself get lost in the beat, not caring how overtly sexy my moves are. Everyone dances like this at college parties, as far as I can tell. Besides, after what I came upon in the kitchen, it was either go home and sob alone or embrace my wild side. My wild side is sort of awesome. I bet the stunning redhead can’t dance like I can.

Our dance floor grows, and I happily lose myself in the middle of the crowd, closing my eyes and trying to let my wild side beat down my hurt and lonely side. There’s an internal battle going on inside of me, and I’m dancing my way through it. When I open my eyes, I find Clayton Dennison watching me. He’s dancing with another girl, but it’s not especially intimate. He’s not interested in her, even though she’s doing her damnedest to get her ass all up in his crotch. I don’t even try to suppress the giggle that escapes at her ridiculous antics. No one can hear me anyway.

Clayton’s eyes lighten in amusement and he flashes me a smile. My wild side is vindictive and she doesn’t mind using someone like Clayton Dennison to win the war against sad Pepper. So I don’t look away and when the song ends, Clayton leaves his dance partner and stands behind me. At first, we don’t touch as we move, but then his hands settle on my hips and I don’t stop him. This is not something a girl with a boyfriend should be doing, but I close my eyes again and let wild Pepper take over.

I don’t know how long we dance like this. But after several songs have passed and I open my eyes, the dance floor is still packed. Through the swaying bodies, a flash of shiny red hair catches my eye. I tilt my head to get a better view and what I find sobers me entirely.

She’s dancing with Jace. He’s looking right at me, and his expression remains impassive when our eyes lock with one another’s across the crowded lawn. He looks like he doesn’t care. Like none of this matters.

And just like that, my wild side is defeated.

Jace

Melanie’s been talking my ear off for longer than I would normally tolerate, but I’m not myself. I’ve tried not to feel anything, tried to keep myself from drowning in blackness, but it’s not working. I throw myself into practice and workouts, and I’ve even attacked my classes with a ferocity I’ve never directed at school work before. I go out with my teammates, trying to distract myself from the ache that’s always weighing on me, sucking me down, but I don’t want to get drunk or flirt with girls. I just want Pepper.

Melanie’s apartment is across the hall from ours and she’s in my finance class. When she asked to study with me for last week’s test, I didn’t turn her down. It was another distraction. But I don’t want Melanie, and if I don’t get rid of her now, she’ll get the wrong idea. I’m so fucking tired of trying to stay away from Pepper that I don’t have the energy to shake this redhead off. When Frankie nods at me in a gesture that says he has something to say, I welcome the opportunity to detach myself from her.

“What’s up, man?” I ask as I approach.

“Pepper’s here, dude,” he tells me. “What the fuck are you doing with Melanie?” Frankie doesn’t hide his disappointment.

I shrug. “Nothing.”

“It didn’t look like nothing when Pepper walked in and saw her hanging all over you,” Frankie points out.

A bolt of panic jolts through me before I can stop it, but I quickly shut down the emotional hurricane before it can take over. After years of practice, I’m the master at controlling not only my outward display of emotion, but I’ve also got a pretty good handle on what goes on inside. Pepper’s always messed with that control, and when she became my girlfriend, I willingly gave some of it up. I can’t afford to do that anymore.

Instinct is a powerful thing. Though my instinct is to bury certain emotions, and I’m relying on that right now, I’ve also got a strong one not to hurt Pepper. To protect her. It sucks when those instincts don’t mesh. Right now, they’re in a fucking battle.

“Where is she? Is she still here?” I ask, the tremor in my voice giving away some of the war raging inside me.

Frankie shakes his head, and doesn’t say anything. He’s a terrible liar.

“Tell me, Frankie,” I say quietly, and there’s no hiding the desperation in my voice now. I crave numbness, but my panic for Pepper is making that impossible.

“She started a dance party outside with Lexi,” Frankie says.

It takes less than a minute for me to make my way to the front lawn, where bodies are swaying to a familiar pop song. And when I see her, eyes closed, lost to the music, I know why Frankie wanted to hide her whereabouts from me. She’s singing as she moves in perfect rhythm with the music, and Clayton Dennison stands behind her, and his hands hold her hips. For a brief moment, all my carefully constructed shields are ripped wide open. I’m raw and exposed. A flood begins to overtake me and I don’t realize I’m trembling until someone takes my hand and tugs me forward.

Frantically, I push back the rush of grief, anxiety, sadness, fear, and anger that intermix into a powerful weapon threatening to make me lose control of myself. Of my entire life. My fists clench, ready to fight, but it’s not Clayton I’m preparing to go against. It’s myself. I’ve never been so close to letting it all go. It’s terrifying. Using all the strength I’ve built up, I push the ugly down as far as I can, imagining that I’m stomping on it, killing it, until I feel nothing at all. By the time Pepper looks up at me, and I recognize that Melanie has plastered herself against me again, I’m fully protected. Even Pepper can’t bring me back now.

My head hurts when I wake up in the morning, but I’m happy for the hangover. It’s a distraction from the pain in my heart. Because my heart literally hurts. What the hell happened last night? What has happened to my relationship with Jace? I lie in bed, replaying the events, but Jace’s blank stare at me as he danced with the stunning redhead is the only image running through my head.

I remember feeling like there were two parts of me fighting each other. The lonely and hurt Pepper and the fun and wild Pepper. But really, it’s just one me, and I’m not proud of how I dealt with my emotions last night. Drinking more and letting Clayton dance with me was immature and spiteful. It wasn’t a different person doing it. Tequila didn’t make someone else take over my body. I knew what I was doing and I wanted to hurt Jace back. It didn’t work. Instead, I saw a veil of indifference on him. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to break through it.

How could he say all those precious words about needing me in his life only weeks ago and then act like this? I check my phone and find no missed calls or texts. I’m reluctant to get out of bed, and I don’t know who else I can talk to about this. My college friends don’t know Jace and don’t know our history. I find Wes’s number and hit call.

His voice is scratchy when he picks up. “Hello?”

“Hi Wes. Sorry, I thought you’d be up. I didn’t wake you, did I?” He’s two hours ahead in Princeton, New Jersey, so I should be safe, not that I even thought about that before calling.

“Don’t worry about it, I need to get up anyway.”

“Do you have a minute?” I ask.

“Always, Pep, what’s up?”

“Jace was with another girl at a party last night,” I tell him.

I hear a sharp intake of breath, and then silence.

“I mean,” I clarify, “he was talking to her. Not just talking, but standing close, touching. And she was drop-dead gorgeous, Wes. And then he danced with her.”

Wes sighs. “Is there something else going on? There must be something going on.”

I probably should have started out by telling him about Annie, but the redhead is the main thing on my mind. I tell him about how she left without a word, Jace flipped out, but then he came around and was fine for a little bit, still thinking she’d return. And then I tell him about the phone call from jail in California.

“After that, Jace just shut down. I’ve hardly seen him in the three weeks since then.”

“Pep, can I tell you what I think he’s doing? That’s why you called, right?”

“Tell me, Wes.” I’m already in so much pain, I don’t think what Wes says can hurt much more. Wes is Jace’s half-brother – they share the same dad – though to everyone else, they are just close friends. Wes and Jace think a lot alike, and I know Wes will have some insight for me.

“He’s pushing you away, Pep. He doesn’t want you to leave him like his mom did, so he’s controlling what happens. He’s trying to make you do it.”

I let his words settle. What he’s saying is both simple and complicated.

“Wouldn’t he just break up with me if he didn’t want to get hurt by me? Wouldn’t it make sense to hurt me first?”

“No,” Wes says firmly. “I don’t think Jace has it in him to break up with you directly like that. Instead, he’s pushing you, testing your love for him, your commitment to the relationship. He wants to know how strong it is, and if you can’t handle it, he wants to know what the breaking point is.”

“That’s fucked up, Wes.” And it’s kind of fucked up that Wes sees this. Because even though I don’t want to believe him, I know what he says is true.

“Look, he wasn’t expecting it with his mom. He didn’t see it coming. That’s why he’s trying to control the situation with you. He can’t stand being close to someone now. Hell, he hasn’t called me to tell me any of this shit, and we’re brothers. I’m hearing about all of it for the first time right now.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do? Let him push me away?” I don’t think I can do that.

“No. But don’t push him to be closer, either. Just hang in there, and show him you’re in for the long haul. He can’t push you away by dancing with pretty girls. You love him too much to flake out on him for being an asshole.”

“Are you telling me I’m supposed to sit here and let my boyfriend treat me like shit?”

Wes is torn by this question, because he knows that’s exactly what he’s asking me to do. He knows what Jace is doing, and he loves me too and doesn’t want me hurt. But he loves Jace more, and he knows that me sticking by him through this is what is best for Jace.

“Did he take the redhead home?” Wes murmurs so quietly I barely register the question. When I do, my heart stops. It didn’t even cross my mind that Jace would take it so far. Is it possible he’s been with other girls these past three weeks?

I stutter for a moment before responding. “I don’t know. I didn’t think he could be that cruel.”

“I don’t think he can be either, Pepper. And I don’t think he wants to hurt you so bad you can’t even be friends. All I’m saying is, he’s testing you, and I hope you’ll try to understand it but I know you’ve got a breaking point. And I don’t want you to break. So do what you need to do, but he’s hurting bad, Pepper, and he’s handling it by trying to avoid feeling anything at all. That means pushing away anyone else who could hurt him.”

After we say goodbye, I scream into my pillow for a solid minute. It makes me feel a little better, but I still don’t want to leave my room. I spend about an hour lying in bed staring at the ceiling before deciding I need to get out of here and go for a run. I just wish I was still on Shadow Lane so I wouldn’t have to see anyone. The odds are high I’ll run into a roommate or a teammate.

We don’t usually have an organized team practice on Sunday, but Coach Harding expects us to meet up in smaller groups to do an easy run. When Lexi knocks on my door to see if I want to join her and our other roommates for a seven-miler, I’m bummed I didn’t sneak out earlier. I’m already dressed and lacing up my running shoes, so it’d be pretty antisocial and weird of me to try to make an excuse to run solo now.

But an idea occurs to me, and I insist that my dog who still lives with Gran could really use some exercise. Though the girls tell me they don’t mind running by my apartment to get him, I manage to convince them otherwise and before I know it, I’m jogging up the familiar trail into the foothills with just Dave.

I haven’t run alone in weeks, and I need this.

Wes’s words ring in my head as I wind my way through trees. This is a test. I get it, but that doesn’t make it okay. I may not entirely understand the depth of Jace’s pain and anger at his mom’s abandonment, but I don’t know how far I can let him push me away. And what then? Will he someday see I’m not going anywhere? Will he be ready to heal with me at his side? How long will that take?

The path brings me higher up the foothills but I don’t get any answers to my questions. I’m at a point in the trail that I rarely get to, and I know I’ve probably run a bit too far and pushed myself a little too hard for a day that was meant to be for recovery. But my mind feels slightly more at ease and the turmoil inside me is settling. My heart still hurts, because I know I will have to endure more heartbreak before I have any answers.

When I picked up Dave at the apartment, I promised Gran I’d stay for brunch when I came back after my run. I’m looking forward to a shower, too, as the water pressure in our bathroom is perfect – not too hard and not too soft. I never thought I’d appreciate something like that before living in the dorms and showering there and the locker rooms every day.

Instead of trotting beside me when we enter the apartment building, Dave shoots up the stairs like he’s being chased by a bear. Gran must be cooking bacon, because that’s the only smell that drives him crazy like this. But as I get closer to the door, where I find Dave pawing at it frantically, the burning smell has me sprinting the rest of the way down the hall. It could be coming from any of our neighbors’ kitchens, but Dave’s bizarre whining tells me otherwise.

I swing the door open, and sure enough, a cloud of smoke is billowing out of the oven. Quickly, I turn it off, while calling out for Gran.

“Pepper!” she calls from down the hall, and her voice sounds weak and scared. Gran has never sounded weak
or
scared before.

I find her lying on her side in the bathroom.

“Gran!” I rush to her side. Her face is pale, and her fingers shake as she takes my hand.

“I fell, honey. Slipped on some water and banged myself up real good. I can’t get up.”

“Oh, Gran. Where does it hurt?”

She laughs softly. “Everywhere, but it’s my hip that took the hit. I tried to pull myself over to a phone but I knew you’d be back soon. Burnt the quiche. Sorry about that.”

“One sec,” I tell her before hopping up and running around the apartment opening windows. The last thing we need is the fire alarm going off.

I’m on the phone and calling an ambulance a moment later, and I try to stay composed as she’s loaded onto a stretcher and questions are fired at both of us. I hold her hand as we drive to the hospital, and it takes all my self-control not to cry. Gran lying on the bathroom floor, looking so frail and weak on the gurney now in front of me, it’s terrifying. What if I hadn’t stopped by today? The apartment could have burned down and Gran wouldn’t have been able to escape.

I squeeze her hand tighter and tell her over and over that I love her like crazy and please don’t fall ever again.

Eventually I have to pry my hand out of hers when we get to the hospital and they take her into a room. I’m still sticky with sweat from the run, and I don’t have any way to contact my roommates because I left my phone somewhere in the apartment in the midst of finding Gran and getting her to the hospital. My roommates probably aren’t worried about where I am yet, but it sucks being alone right now, and I wish Jace was by my side.

His is one number I have memorized and I’m able to call him from the hospital’s front desk. When it goes to voicemail, I fill him in on what’s happened.

It feels like hours sitting alone waiting before they call me in. The doctor keeps referring to her full name – Bernadette – when he explains that she has a hip fracture. When Gran doesn’t interrupt immediately to correct him, I do it for her.

“It’s actually Bunny. Her name. You can call her Bunny.”

The doctor raises his eyebrows but nods before continuing. Gran squeezes my hand, thankful. She’s too overwhelmed to speak for herself right now, and that scares me too. Gran’s a tough cookie and she’s frazzled. That truth is doing strange things to me. The fear of losing her and what that would feel like creeps into my heart. It’s a lurking dark monster and if it bit I think it would suck me into a black hole that I may never escape.

If Jace is feeling any of that from Annie’s abandonment, his need for self-preservation doesn’t seem so ludicrous. I think our hearts only have the capacity to handle so much loss before we break. I’ve never given Jace any sign I’d abandon him though, and I think that’s why I can’t completely understand what he’s afraid of.