Perfect Fifths (22 page)

"Trust me, I'm not interested. She's an aeroanxiety specialist under the misguided impression that she can cure me."

"Are you anxious?"

"Since you ran over me? Extremely."

"You hide it well. Oh, wait, here's the gate and ... This does not look good."

"That all depends on your definition of 'good.'"

"There seems to be quite a number of people who also need to get to St. Thomas this evening. Wait here while I talk to the customer ser vice rep. Or, uh, don't. I mean, you don't have to wait for me."

"I'll wait, Jessica. It's fine. I'm looking forward to dragging this out to its maximum awkwardness."

[Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.]

"What's the word?"

"The word is: screwed. There are, like, a million people ahead of me on standby. It looks like I'm in Newark until tomorrow."

"Do you need to call Bridget and Percy?"

[Sigh.] "I already told Hope to tell them I wasn't going to make it. I was hoping to surprise them by actually arriving on time. I'm afraid if I call them right now, I'll just...

Shit." [Sniffle.]

"You tried, Jessica."

"I know."

[Pause.]

"Well, I'm definitely not crashing in the airport overnight. I'm so over this place."

"I'm not crashing here, either."

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"You're not? I figured you'd be the type to rough it. Camp out right here in the terminal, under the fluorescent lights, curled up on the crummy carpet on which millions of passengers have trod before you, using your duffel as a pillow, the recorded reminder to please maintain contact with your luggage at all times—mantenga el contacto con su equipaje siempre, por favor—your bilingual lullaby ..."

"As romantic as you make that sound, hell no. I'm headed for the shuttle train that goes to all the airport hotels. I'm getting a room."

[Pause.]

"I guess I should, too."

"I hear good things about the Here hotels."

"'If you can't be where you want to be, you might as well stay Here.1"

"Or their new motto: 'Wherever you go, Here you are.'"

'Veeeeery bumper-stickery."

"Hey, don't hold that against Here E-Dub. Let's see. Free Wi-Fi... high-def plasmas ... A complimentary breakfast buffet... Oh, and we can get to know our fellow

guests with the hottest selection of interactive gameplay..."

"Have you been paid by a guerrilla marketing firm?"

"I'm reading the digital billboard over there."

"Oh. Right. So. Uh."

[Pause.]

"Want to get a room?"

"At Here E-Dub?"

"Yes. Or wherever."

"Like, together?"

"Yes, together. We can pass the time. It makes sense, doesn't it? I've enjoyed talking to you. And I would prefer to be in your company instead of all alone in front of the high-def plasma TV. So how about it?"

"I don't think it's a good idea."

"Why not? You were just lamenting how it was too bad that we didn't have more time together, and now we do. Or were you just saying that to be nice?"

"There you go again, accusing me of being nice."

"Seriously, Jessica. Why not?"

"I don't think we should push our luck."

"Push our luck? What are you so afraid of?"

"Doing—I mean, saying something I'll regret."

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"I haven't taken as many psychology classes as you have. But it's a well-known fact that people tend to regret the things they don't do more than the things they do, er, do. Or say, in your case."

"I am familiar with that research. And so I won't have any regrets later, I need to make something very clear now."

"And what's that?"

[Most dramatic pause.]

"We're not going to have sex."

[Stifled then unrestrained laughter.]

"There is nothing even remotely funny about what I just said."

[Another wave of laughter.]

"WHAT. IS. SO. FUNNY?"

[Throat clearing.] "You."

"Me.? How?"

'"We are not going to have sex.' An announcement like that says more about what's on your mind than what's on my mind."

"You did nofjust say that."

"I most certainly did."

"This is what I get for trying to handle the situation like an adult. I see I've overestimated you."

"I'm the immature one here? Really? Hey, why are we even debating this issue? What's the point?

You've made it very clear to me that you are suffering through

[throat clearing] your monthly cycle. Oh, and don't you have a contagious disease? Though there seems to be no signs of either of these afflictions at the moment."

[Cough. Cough. Cough.] "Your point?"

"I think I've made my point."

"You suck."

"Oh, and you accuse me of being immature."

"You suckity suck suck."

"All I'm saying is that you have a history of failing to make good on chaste promises."

"What? When?"

"I recall a certain no-sex proclamation made at my locker when we were juniors in high school. After you found that poem I had written you, the one with all the Adam and Eve imagery."

"Oh God. When I marched up to you and said, 'We will never be naked without shame in paradise.1"

"And you were wrong."

"I was only half wrong."

"Half wrong? How so?"

"We were naked without shame in Pineville, not paradise."

"Very true."

"But this time, Marcus, I promise you I won't be wrong."

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"You have me thoroughly convinced that I won't be getting laid tonight. By you, anyway."

"Were you always such a laugh riot?"

"I am only as good as the material I'm given."

"Hear me now, Marcus. I understand that even though we're two consenting adults, we're exes with a very complicated history, and sharing a hotel room could seem like an invitation to Fuckfest 2010. But that is not the case here. And if you're thinking otherwise, you'll be better off in your own room with pay-per-view porn and a box of Kleenex."

"Is this your way of telling me that you've agreed to share a room with me?"

"Yes. I agree. But in a platonic way. Which means that you cannot and will not pull shit like that whole glasses thing earlier."

"Pull what shit on what glasses thing?"

"When you claimed that you couldn't compliment my appearance with an indirect compliment of my appearance."

"You seemed to like it when I said it!"

"But that was when I thought we were about to say good-bye."

"So?"

"So I knew that it wouldn't lead to anything untoward."

"Untoward? Who talks like that? You really are fucking old."

"Har-dee-har-har. And what's more, I've looked in the mirror! I know my current appearance is not worthy of such compliments! I call bullshit on such flattery in both form and content!"

"I, Marcus Flutie, promise not to compliment your appearance directly or indirectly from this moment onward. And I will not refute your claim that the aforementioned flattery was illegitimate because that would be a direct violation of the promise I just made."

"Just promise you won't try to make this night into something it shouldn't be."

"I promise. I guess."

"Marcus!"

"Okay! I promise!"

"Let's shake on it, then."

[Pause.]

"Yes, Jessica. Let's."

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