Perfect Freedom (24 page)

He rolled himself through it and slid down steps and landed on the lower deck. He still had the towel as a haphazard shield for his upright sex. Rico was on him. They sparred and wrestled along the passage, laughing into each other's eyes and spurring each other on. Robbie retreated into his cabin. Rico crowded in after him. This was the exuberant expression of friendship Robbie had been hoping for. He was swept up on a wave of dizzying abandon. Hands were on him everywhere, playful and affectionate. He let the towel go. With a shout of triumph, Rico made a grab for his erection and held it.

“No,” Robbie cried. His orgasm almost knocked him off his feet. It was so unlike any he had ever experienced that he didn't immediately identify it for what it was. He pitched in against Rico for support and was plunged into an appalled awareness of what was happening. The disgrace of his ejaculation shot out across the cabin. Rico held him with an arm around his waist and a hand on his heaving chest. Robbie stood aghast while his erection subsided in the sudden silence, all movement suspended except for the roll and sway of the boat.

“I didn't—” he began in a spent voice. “Why did you do that?” He had to blame Rico to exonerate himself.

“I no do nothing, Robbie. You do. I know boys like you. You maybe no want girl. You want big man like Rico? Sure. You come see me when I watch. Midnight. I show you something you like.” He withdrew his support and turned toward the door.

“But, Rico,” Robbie implored. “I didn't—”

Rico turned back with a wink and a flash of his smile. “Sure. I know. You no worry. You and me friends. Hokay? You come see me later.”

As the door closed behind him, Robbie struggled to find excuses for himself. Rico had taken the initiative. Rico had encouraged him. He was suddenly rocked by a great burst of euphoria. Rico had held his naked body and seen his erection without any sign of disapproval. They were still friends. Rico understood his not being interested in girls although Robbie didn't understand the distinction he was making about “boys like you.” Rico had seemed to think no more of his having had an orgasm in front of him than Michel had. Perhaps that was just another of the things that happened to everybody. It had been tremendous but he felt as if there were still something missing. He wished Rico had stayed and taken his clothes off and let them lie together and laugh and talk in total intimacy. He had promised something more for later. He felt that he was getting very close to some ultimate secret; tonight might offer the revelation that still eluded him.

He rode the crest of his euphoria throughout the rest of the day. He soared with the promise of midnight. When he joined his parents for their usual early dinner in the gently rocking main saloon he was aware that his friendship with Rico was turning him into somebody neither of them knew. He felt a new identity emerging, a sense of a personal existence that for the first time had no reference to them. Although he knew his mother would find it uncharacteristic of him, he couldn't resist telling them that he might keep Rico company during his watch that night.

“That should be fun for you,” Stuart said approvingly. “It's exciting sailing at night.”

The sea grew rougher during the evening. When his parents were ready for bed, Robbie lurched to his cabin and stretched out in his bunk. He knew Rico slept during the early part of the night. He wished he were sleeping alongside him. Would he be able to suggest it after tonight? The thought of their sleeping together gave him an erection but Rico didn't mind that. He hoped he had the same affect on Rico. If he did and they did something about it, there wouldn't be any more nonsense about girls. He had found the friendship that was like falling in love.

Robbie opened his pants and freed his erection for his customary play but he realized that by himself he couldn't achieve the prodigious sensation he had experienced with Rico and simply let his hand rest on it. He wondered if Rico would like it; he knew he would be enthralled by Rico's. He had no idea how his compared to others and had never particularly cared. He held it upright and gazed at it. Boys boasted about their size. His looked quite big. When he let it fall, its head just touched his belly button. He wondered if Rico's was much bigger. He wanted to know. There could be no greater intimacy than knowing this private part of a friend. He had always wanted to hold Jean-Marie's. He would never do so now; Jean-Marie wasn't coming back to school in the fall. Thinking about what he'd missed almost gave him an orgasm. He took a deep breath and made his mind a blank and waited.

The boat was still pitching when midnight finally came. He wished he could go to Rico naked or wearing only the trunks he had retrieved from the deck, but it was chilly at night. He got a sweater out but only put it around his shoulders; he didn't want them to be separated by layers of cloth. They could put their arms around each other to keep warm. He swayed and staggered to the aft companionway and climbed up on deck. The wind wasn't as strong as he'd expected and it wasn't cold. The binnacle light astern created a wall of darkness. He couldn't see the wheel or whether anybody was manning it, although he knew somebody must be there. He adjusted his balance to the roll of the deck and made a dash for the light. A hand reached out and pulled him down to the cushions behind the wheel. He let himself drop and landed almost on top of Rico, with one hand on his chest and the other on the back of his neck, his fingers immediately caressing it.

“You no forget,” Rico said. He gave a sort of shrug that had the effect of a little push and Robbie drew back slightly to permit him more freedom for handling the wheel. “You come at just good time. I think about girls.”

“I've been waiting. You said midnight,” Robbie said. He dropped a hand daringly onto Rico's thigh. The dark would excuse his touching the wrong places. Rico laughed and moved it up to the hard, tightly packed curve of his crotch. Robbie's heart leaped up and began to hammer against his chest. Rico was letting him feel it. Rico liked girls but he seemed to think it natural for Robbie to want to feel it. It swelled under the heavy fabric. He was making Rico's cock hard. It was the most thrilling moment of his life.

“You like. You wanta see, I bet. Lotsa crazy guys want but I no let. You and me friends. I show you.” He unbuttoned his fly and Robbie's heart gave another great leap as he saw the dim shape of Rico's erection lift from confinement. Rico wasn't ashamed of getting hard with him. Robbie moved his hands over his friend's cock with wonder, learning its dimensions. It felt shorter than his own but filled his hand more bulkily. “Is pretty big, yes?”

“Yes. Wonderful.” He leaned over to see it more clearly in the feeble light.

“
Chope et fume
,” Rico said jauntily. Robbie's blood ran cold. He had heard the expression, always accompanied by laughter and obscene gestures, but never dreamed that it referred to something that people might actually do. Rico's hand was on the back of his head, pushing it down until his face was pressed against the rigid flesh. His senses recoiled from the contact. Tears sprang to his eyes. He couldn't do it. It was vile. In spite of himself, his tongue moved to it and touched it.

“Suck. Make Rico feel good,” Rico ordered. Robbie's stomach turned over. The fires of Hell would consume him if he obeyed. He would be damned, a criminal for life. His lips moved furtively on it, obeying some impulse he couldn't control. The smooth taut skin felt rubbery and artificial, unlike anything he had ever touched. His mouth opened and thick flesh filled it. The most secret part of Rico was in his mouth.

Some blockage of his mind or spirit suddenly gave way. Revelation flooded him, bringing with it a rushing tide of desire. He wanted it. He had always wanted it. His passions were ruled by the hard phallic thrust of male beauty. Rico was offering himself for his worship. Robbie uttered a strangled cry and his orgasm toppled him from his seat and brought him to his knees in front of his friend. His hands and mouth became avid. Rico chuckled approvingly.

“You suck good, like a girl.”

This was the way he could make a friend his own. His worship could transcend the ordinary limitations of sex. He could feel the excitement he was generating in Rico with his lips and tongue. He heard a little yelp above him and a surge of dense warm fluid spilled into his mouth. It took him a stunned instant to grasp what had happened and the radiance of his worship turned to horror. He retched as the fluid overflowed and dribbled down his chin. He tore his mouth away and made a lunge for the rail, gagging and spitting into the hissing sea. He sank back onto the cushions, his head reeling with revulsion. Rico had betrayed him by defiling them both. He hated him. There was nothing left of love but black guilt for the loathsome deed he had done. He would never be able to cleanse himself of it.

“Why you no swallow it?” Rico asked with laughter in his voice. “Is good for you, like spinach.”

Turning it into a joke made it even more repellent. He began to shake from head to foot. He hugged himself, feeling as if he might still vomit. “I've got to go.” His voice sounded hollow as it issued from the depths of his horror.

“Sure. You suck good. I like. I fuck you too. You be my girl. You go now. I come after watch.”

Robbie didn't hear the words, only the blithe confident notes of the voice coming to him out of the dark. He struggled to his feet and careened across the deck and almost fell down the companionway. He tore his clothes off in his cabin and washed and dropped onto his bunk feeling doomed and half dead. His body ached as if he had been beaten and he felt he'd never again find the peace of sleep. He was gripped by the horror he had committed. He would never be free from the memory of it. What absolution could he hope for? He would have to face his mother as if nothing in him had been soiled or corrupted. She would never suspect the depths to which he had sunk. At least he still hadn't been tempted to do anything with a girl. He would never be untrue to her and to the unspoken pact between them. He dozed.

He awoke with pale light filling the cabin. Rico stood palely naked near the washbasin. His friend had come to sleep with him. His heart bounded up with welcome. His erection locked rigidly against his belly and he let the sheet slide off him. The torment he had gone through earlier was relegated to some corner of his mind where fragmentary nightmares lurked. If Rico did it with his mouth, he might be able to do it again for Rico. Something in him cringed from the act but he was consumed with the desire to worship proud masculinity. He was torn by the violence of his conflicting emotions, caught between the sublime and the physical degradation of achieving it.

He sat up to absorb the wonder of seeing Rico naked at last. His body looked slighter without the bulky clothes, compact and muscular but unexpectedly boyish. Hair formed a cross on his torso, rooted in his shadowed groin. He turned from the washbasin and approached with a carefree spring in his step. He had an erection; he made a swaggering display of it. Robbie's trained eye confirmed that his own was longer. If Rico could boast about his, Robbie had something to boast about, too. Rico's had a slight upward curve and looked confident and aggressive. He caught his breath and began to tremble as Rico took a final step toward him. He was going to find out for the first time what a naked body felt like against his; he was going to learn what to expect of a man who was hard with love for him. He reached up for him but Rico brushed his hands aside and pushed him back and rolled him over onto his stomach. A hand moved over his buttocks and greasy fingers probed between them. Terror struck, making the soles of Robbie's feet contract. He knew what Rico wanted. He had heard of it without believing it possible. The moment on deck wasn't a nightmare but the prelude to this culmination of horror.

He wanted to shout with protest; he wanted to leap up and fight off his assailant and escape but he didn't dare make a sound. The creak of the hull and the slap and rattle of gear above drowned small sounds in the cabin but he couldn't risk an outcry that might bring others running. Fingers continued to probe into him and apply some greasy stuff. He must stop him somehow. He would never survive it.

Rico dropped down over him, straddling him on his knees, and pulled his hips up to him. The contact of their naked bodies seemed to drain all the strength out of Robbie's muscles.

“No,” he gasped as he felt a nudge of entry. He tried to tense his muscles to prevent a further advance. He tried to twist his hips away but he was held in a powerful grip. He clamped his teeth onto his arm to suppress a scream and prepared for the claw of pain. Rico seemed to become enormous as he slid deeper into him. A flash of pain seared him and shattered his remaining resistance. His body went limp with a groan. Rico was tearing him apart. He felt as if all his insides were going to spill out of him. If he suffered some hideous damage he would never be able to tell anybody, never dare have himself healed. He sobbed uncontrollably as pain ripped into him with the endless enormous penetration. For an instant's pause, he thought Rico had reached his limit and then he made another lunge into him. Rockets seemed to burst in his brain. It had happened. He had been destroyed. His death throes were an orgasm that spun off to infinity.

Pain was bliss. He hovered on the outer edge of ecstasy. His fingers opened and closed to cling to it. His toes stretched. Rico's cock was in him. It made him a part of his friend. He acquired identity with every thrust of it. He was wanted, he existed. He knew absolutely and irrevocably who he was.

“Oh God. Yes,” he murmured. “Yes, Rico. Do it. I'm yours.”

Rico chuckled contentedly without breaking the rhythm of his masterful drive for conquest. “Sure. I fuck you good. Is plenty big, yes? I know. You want big man.”

Robbie's orgasm had no ending. It shook him anew, spreading ecstasy into every particle of him. Rico had taken possession of him and was finding satisfaction in him. All of him melted with submission. He wanted to be taken. He wanted to offer himself without reserve. The revelation was complete. His body was a receptacle to be filled by a man's desire. He wanted Rico to feel how total his possession was, joining them and making them one. He moved against him, shaken by paroxysms of rapture, inciting him to an unrestrained exercise of his will.