Perfect Freedom (57 page)

It had been daylight when they drove her back to her hotel. She had given Toni another erection in the car and taken care of it with her adventurous mouth. Girls really did do it. He wasn't even sure of her name. Ginette? Anyway, he knew what it felt like to perform the act that he was supposed to like. He slept again.

It was after noon when they finally emerged and found the place deserted. “I guess we're not the only ones who slept late,” Toni said as they paused at the head of the steps looking down at the empty cove. “I wonder why only Carl's car was there when we got in. Maybe our parents stayed for the night.”

Robbie's heart always gave a little joyful leap when Toni underlined their bond. Our parents. Robbie put his arm around him and hugged him, more in love with him than ever after last night. They could be together always now, even if it meant having a girl from time to time. “I'll go find out what's going on,” he said, releasing his beloved friend.

When he came out from his visit with the staff, he saw that Toni had gone on down to the beach and he rejoined him there. “They say Dad hasn't come home yet. Carl and Mum were here but went out a couple of hours ago. I guess she's helping him get settled in his new place.”

“Well, then, we can strip for action. It's too bad we didn't bring Nenette home with us.” He laughed into Robbie's eyes as they peeled off their trunks and made a dash for the sea.

They swam and pulled their trunks on again and went up for a light lunch in the shade on the great terrace. Robbie wished that they could live like this forever, without the distraction of others. Toni reached across the table while they were having coffee and held his hands.

“I was so proud of you last night. This morning. You know now how much you can please girls. Are you going to work this afternoon?”

Robbie stroked the hands that held his. “Don't you want to come up to the house for a little while? I can do anything that a girl can do.” He dared say it because he had functioned at dawn to Toni's satisfaction. He had won immunity from his loved one's disapproval.

“No, no. No more of that. We're entering a new era. Before you know it, you'll be running off with girls on your own.”

“You should see my cock. I promise you I'm not thinking about girls.”

Toni laughed and lifted a hand and caressed his cheek briefly. “You're incorrigible. Wait till next year. I think we'll laugh a great deal about all this. That's good. In another year, you'll be very much a man and I'll no longer wish sometimes that you were a girl. Go on. Get to work.”

“Okay. I always do whatever you tell me to do.”

“Not always,” Toni reminded him.

Robbie blushed. “Nothing like that will ever happen again.”

Toni returned to the cove and stretched out naked on a towel, sunning his back. He dozed. Movement near him aroused him and he quickly lifted his head. Stuart was standing over him, looking down at him. His eyes were cold. He looked sick.

“Put something on,” he ordered and turned away. Toni leaped up, wrapping the towel around himself, and followed Stuart into the shade of the overhanging beach-house roof. “I can't take much sun today. Actually, I've never felt so shocked and appalled in my life. Where's Robbie?”

Toni was alarmed by Stuart's manner. He felt a seething hostility in him but couldn't believe that it was directed at him. “At work, as usual,” he said, steeling himself for bad news.

“Have you seen Helene?”

“The people in the house told Robbie that she and Carl went off somewhere this morning. They didn't come back for lunch. We haven't seen them.”

“Good.” He let himself down slowly into a wicker chair. “There's no need to waste time in discussion. I want you to go immediately.”

“Go? Where?”

“Anywhere you choose. Get out of this house.” Stuart saw Toni's face settle into an expressionless mask of beauty but his eyes remained direct and untroubled. He pulled up a chair and sat without being invited.

“I don't understand,” he said quietly.

“Does that matter? It's my house.” The affection that had been growing in him for this youth had died the instant he had seen Robbie in his arms. He had to summon all the patience and understanding that was in him for his son; Toni had no claim on his sympathy. His sense of fair play impelled him to add a few words of explanation. “I came back after I said good-bye to you yesterday afternoon. I forgot my bag. I saw you and Robbie down here.”

“You did? We came down for a swim. We often do. Whatever you saw, I'm sure you misunderstood.” Had he seen them holding hands? Hugging each other?

“Are you so sunk in depravity that you don't remember what you did?”

“I don't remember anything in particular. We were—Oh.” His eyes dropped. Stuart saw a flush creeping up under his tan. Toni desperately rallied his defenses. It was bad but he had to save Robbie. “We got knocked down by a wave and fell around on top of each other. Is that what you saw? I was afraid it might look peculiar, being naked and so forth. I wasn't thinking of you but I warned Robbie that we should be more careful. I still say it wasn't what you think.”

“Is your getting an erection with a boy open to a variety of interpretations?”

“Yes. I always get a hard-on when I swim naked. I don't know why.” He knew that he was engaged in a battle for Robbie's future, perhaps even for his sanity. He mustn't fail him. “Robbie's enough of a kid still to find it fascinating. I've told him it doesn't mean anything.”

“And you kiss him to convince him of how meaningless it is?”

“Yes, I kiss him sometimes,” he announced angrily, warning himself not to get carried away by his indignation at the injustice of the attack. “I'm not a
pédé
. I like girls. We play around like kids. Just after I arrived, he told me he was in love with me. It's not unusual for boys his age to be mixed up about sex. I've been getting him over it.”

“So you admit you've made love with him.” Stuart wondered why he went on with it. He'd seen what he had seen. There was nothing to talk about.

“Not in any real sense,” Toni continued more carefully, determined to make him understand. “I love him. He's beautiful. It's natural for people who love each other to want to touch each other. We haven't hidden it. I haven't allowed anything—well, you know—any of the things that homosexuals do together. How could I? I'm not a homosexual.”

“You're making a pretty fine distinction. Physical intimacy is physical intimacy.”

“All right. There's been lots of that. You know your own furniture. You've known from the beginning that we were in the same bed. I love it. I always slept with my brothers. Robbie grew up alone. Can't you imagine what that might've done to him? When boys are finding out about sex, they often play around together until they've satisfied their curiosity, and then they start thinking about girls. Robbie didn't have any of that. He's still a sexual adolescent. I've been careful not to make any mystery of my body so he wouldn't get obsessed by it.”

“You've simply introduced him to practices that could easily turn him into a homosexual.”

“I refuse to speak for Robbie. You can talk to him. He'll tell you whatever he wants you to know. I don't think he'd mind my saying that I didn't teach him anything he didn't know already. Why should doing what all boys do at one stage or another turn anybody into a homosexual?”

“I find your views on sex a bit special. Whatever you think all boys do, I can assure you I didn't do them. I was an only child too. I'm not going to have Robbie corrupted by your strangely tolerant attitude. This conversation isn't getting us anywhere. I've decided you have to go.”

“But haven't you listened to what I'm saying? You've got to think of Robbie. You're forcing an issue he isn't ready to face yet. I don't know whether I should tell you private things but I arranged it last night so he could have his first girl. I think he liked it. Once that's happened a few more times, he'll get over this idea that he's queer.”

“He thinks he's queer?” Stuart seized on the word as if it were an admission of guilt.

“Only because he thinks he's in love with me,” Toni said hastily. He had to weigh every word. He mustn't let Stuart think he had a case of perversion on his hands. If he took a strong line with Robbie, he would push him irrevocably over the brink where he was now hovering. He went on as eloquently as he could, pleading for caution. “Please let me handle this. I care so much about him that I'm willing to beg you to let me stay. I'm glad to have this chance to talk about it. He needs me. He's given me his complete trust. He's taken me as a model. You must know you can trust me. You've been good to me. You've treated me like a son, like Robbie's brother. Do you think I'd take advantage of that? I hate homosexuality. I love Robbie. I don't want him to go that way any more than you do.”

Stuart looked at him, impressed in spite of himself with the changes he saw in him. He remembered his insolent little swagger when they had first spoken to each other. He was handling a conversation that must be embarrassing for him with dignity and good feeling. With his natural, uncurled fair hair, his whole person exuded a fresh wholesomeness that was in shocking contrast to the scene Stuart had witnessed. That he could so successfully conceal what was at best a streak of depravity made him seem sinister. Robbie was soft enough without being indulged in an incipient vice. The thought of Toni showing him how to fuck a girl wasn't particularly savory. Stern discipline was called for, not moral laxity. If it involved forcing an issue, he was in the mood to do so. He had sat back long enough. When he had dealt with Robbie, it would be Helene's turn. He might be uncertain about his role in life but he could at least restore order in his family. He felt a pang of loss when he thought of his plans for Toni but he wasn't going to be swayed by this persuasive youth. “It sounds as if you're the one who's in love and you just want to continue your dirty little affair in comfort,” he said brutally.

Toni winced as if Stuart had spat at him. “I can't believe you feel that way about me but I'll take it, for Robbie's sake. Please listen to me. I hope Robbie doesn't have to know about this talk. If you want me to go, please give me a few more days. Robbie mustn't know you've thrown me out. I warn you. He'll hate you for it. He cares about you and respects you and it may destroy him. I'll get somebody to send me a wire from Paris saying I've got to get back for the film. I'd like a few more weeks with him, but never mind. You may be right. It may be time for me to go. I've never felt like this about a boy—a man—and it may be getting too big for me to handle. Treat him gently. He's bursting with love and can be hurt so easily. Will you give me a day or two so my going won't be a tragedy for him?”

“No. I know how to deal with my son. I want you out of here in an hour. Felix will take you wherever you want to go.” He felt as if he were coming to grips with a challenge again, a feeling he had missed since he had sold off the land. Once more, he had a goal clearly before him; he would devote himself to Robbie's well-being. He felt revived and invigorated, no longer oppressed by last night's hangover and last night's guilts. He pulled a wad of francs out of his pocket and dropped it on the table beside him. “There. That should make up for anything you lost by giving up your act.” Getting rid of Toni so decisively made him feel less hostile toward him.

Toni glanced at the money. It looked like more than he'd ever seen at once in his life. He stood abruptly and hitched up his towel. “You don't have to pay me off. Will you at least back me up if I tell him I've had a phone call and have to leave immediately?”

“No. I want him to know why you're leaving. He has to learn that there's a limit to what decent people will accept. You can tell him I'm waiting here for him. I want to talk to him.”

Toni clenched his fists and forced himself to relax them. He was breathing heavily and took a deep breath to steady himself. “I hope you don't regret this. I mean that with all my heart.”

“Take the money.”

“No. All I want from you is for you to think about what I've said. I don't suppose you will until it's too late.” He turned and gathered up his trunks thoughtfully and slowly mounted the steps.

Robbie turned distractedly from his easel as Toni entered their house. “I've hit a tough patch,” he said, returning his attention to the canvas.

Toni stopped a few feet from him. “My poor dearest little brother,” he said, close to tears; tears of humiliation left over from his interview with Stuart, tears of sorrow for what this was going to do to Robbie. “We've both hit a tough patch.”

It took a few seconds for the words to penetrate Robbie's concentration and then he slowly lowered his brush and turned. Anxiety sprang up into his eyes as he saw the gravity of Toni's expression. “What is it? What's the matter?”

“Your father saw us on the beach yesterday afternoon.”

Robbie's eyes widened with alarm. “Saw us? Saw what?”

“Saw us kiss and our erections.”

Robbie's mouth dropped open and a hand flew up to cover it. His eyes had a wild, hunted look. He shook his head and dropped his hand. “What did you say? Did you tell him he was mistaken?”

“How could I? He knew what he'd seen. I didn't tell him much. I told him that he didn't understand, that we'd fooled around in a childish sort of way because you're a bit mixed up about sex like most kids are. I told him you had your first girl last night and that that was probably the end of it as far as your thinking you were in love with me and all that. That's about all. I begged him to leave us alone and let us work it out together. He threw me out.”