Perfect Freedom (59 page)

“It's not. I know that now.”

“I'm beginning to understand this a little better. Up till a couple of months ago, you've had a very solitary life. It worried me. I always hoped you'd bring friends home from school. Now all of a sudden people are paying attention to you, even wanting you physically. It's enough to make you lose your head. I'm more than ever convinced that my first instinct was right. Toni isn't good for you at this stage. There's something ambivalent about him. Believe me, grown men don't generally kiss boys on the mouth and have erections with them. He may like girls but he's still capable of taking advantage of latent susceptibilities in you. He's probably right about one thing—all boys probably are violently attracted to a friend at one time or another. I remember when I was very young I had a crush on an older boy. If he'd been like Toni, it might've led to something that could've scarred me for life. This is a very delicate and dangerous period in your development. You've got to be very conscious of anything that feeds whatever little ambiguities may be in you. Conscious of it and reject it. You should try to get your mind off sex. That may be difficult in a place like this where you can practically smell it in the air but, even here, the sort of girl you'd like probably wouldn't be ready for a real affair. That's a problem for most boys unless they're ready and willing to settle for whores.”

“Toni says it isn't sex with us. It's something different and special between us. We were with a girl last night. He's wanted to arrange it ever since he's been here.”

“Yes, well, it was probably good for you but I don't like his having to arrange it, as if it were a sort of extension to whatever he wants with you. Still, I can't compare my experience with yours. I started having sex when I was very young. There was nothing fastidious about it. I fancied chambermaids when I was thirteen. You haven't had a chance to know many chambermaids. When I was about your age, I fell madly in love with the girl I thought might be Toni's mother. I wanted to marry her. It was ridiculous but it didn't seem so at the time. My mother very sensibly put an end to it but she needn't have bothered. The war came along that summer and it would've ended anyway.”

“If something like that happened to me would you do what your mother did?”

“I hope I wouldn't use her high-handed methods. She went behind my back and paid people off. I wouldn't do anything like that but I'd certainly oppose you in every way I could. It's axiomatic that youth needs guidance. It takes time to know what you want in life.”

Robbie scented victory. It was impossible, after the way he had spoken, that his father would do anything so high-handed as forbidding Toni to stay. He had remembered Toni's warning and hadn't said too much—just enough so that he could speak more openly if later other problems arose. It was wonderful having a man-to-man talk with his father. The dark cloud of homosexuality was dispelled for the moment. He felt accepted. He wanted to end the conversation so that he could get back to Toni but he was careful not to appear rushed. “Well, I doubt if I'll want to get married for the next year or two, if ever. It would interfere with my work.”

“Exactly. You have your work to keep your thoughts occupied, but I still think you need a bit of guidance about homosexuality. You mustn't let yourself think of it as being normal or natural. It can be dangerous to be overtolerant. Unless you were living in Greece, what they think of it is a dead issue. It's part of their heritage, but the ancient Greeks were in many ways a primitive people. Even so, when Plato talks about a man's desire for a boy he makes a very strong case for sublimating it into something purely spiritual, so it wasn't all that accepted even then. I'm shocked by what you say happened on the trip. If I understand correctly, you let yourself be defiled and degraded. Weren't you disgusted with yourself?”

“I was terrified at times. I wondered what was going to become of me. Then you brought Toni and it was all right. With him here, I don't care if I never have sex again. I've promised him I won't with anybody else.”

Stuart shifted impatiently in his chair. “With anybody else? With anybody period, any male. That's what you've got to promise yourself. Without him, it'll be much easier to establish some sort of discipline for yourself.”

Robbie felt that the outcome was still open.
You don't have to admit anything
. He had to resist the luxury of being honest with his father and trying to win his approval. “All right. Toni told me earlier, before you came back, that from now on he expects me to stick to girls. He called it a new era. I told him I'd do anything he wanted me to do. Does that satisfy you?”

“No, it doesn't, Robbie. You've got to tear this tendency in yourself right out by the roots, before it gets a grip on you. Even if I let Toni move down to a guest room so that you wouldn't be sharing the same bed, you'd be constantly reminded of what existed between you. No. A new era. It's the only thing that makes sense for you. Why do you think I care whether or not you're queer? Because I love you, that's why. As long as I have some control over you, I'm not going to let you ruin your life. That's final. Toni's going today.”

“You don't think it's high-handed to send away the one person in the world I care about?”

“No, I don't. I invited him here. I can withdraw the invitation. I'm simply exercising my right to have who I like in my house.”

Robbie's shoulders slowly rose. His head sank between them. His face was contorted with an effort at control as a sob was torn from him. “I love him so,” he gasped brokenly.

“Stop it, Robbie,” Stuart rebuked him harshly. “You're my son, not my daughter. You're talking about a man.”

Toni's voice was in Robbie's ears.
Convince him that you're in control of yourself and know what you're doing
. He made another supreme effort and lifted his head and threw it back defiantly and met his father's eyes. He breathed deeply until he had conquered tears. “Yes, a man,” he said. “What about freedom and being in touch with nature and living a natural life—all the things you've always talked about? I'm a human being. There's nothing unnatural about that. Whatever I am, I guess you and Mother had a lot to do with it. Why can't I be free to love whoever I like?”

“I may have talked a lot of nonsense, Robbie, but I've never claimed the freedom to defy the laws of basic human decency. Whatever we've made of you, you have a will of your own. I expect you to exert it to resist whatever streak of perversion you may have in you.”

“That's what you call it. Not everybody agrees with you.” If Toni was being turned out, why go on pretending? He had nothing more to lose. Maybe his father's decision would be shaken if he could make him understand that it was too late to talk about resisting his most basic needs. “I'm not going to go on lying to you. I
am
queer,” he said quietly while a great surge of pride leaped up in him at daring to declare himself. His heart was beating rapidly but he was no longer afraid of his father. Words came out in a rush. “I wasn't disgusted with myself. Only sometimes at first when it was so new to me. I've done things I wouldn't do again but I've had beautiful moments with boys who wanted me and loved me and made me feel that I'd never be lonely again. Do you understand? I've done everything because I had to, like breathing. When we got back here, I found Edward waiting for me. I made love with Jeff Benjamin. It's the only time I broke my promise to Toni but that was because I'd given up hope of anything with him. I've done everything I could to seduce him and, thanks to you, maybe I've succeeded. What he told you was true but it isn't anymore. You made him realize that he wants me and loves me the way I love him. Decency for me is being faithful to the love that's in me. I intend to be. You don't know anything about love. You want everything to be nice and polite and pleasant. You're afraid of feeling. It's not even enough for Mother. Why do you think Carl is here? He understands. You don't know what love is.”

Stuart felt as if he were sinking under a succession of blows. The extent of his failure stretched out limitlessly before him. Helene. Robbie. The life he had planned for all of them. He rallied the force to speak. He had to save his son. He drained his glass and rose to replenish it and returned to his chair. “All right, Robbie. You've had your say. I'd think we'd both better calm down and think things over.”

“Does Toni stay?” Robbie demanded.

“There's no question about that. If he has any decency in him, he'll be gone by now.”

“If he goes, I'll go with him.”

“You're really asking me to be high-handed. You'll do exactly as I tell you. You're not of age. What about your mother? Do you have no regard for her feelings, either?”

“She won't let him go,” Robbie said.

“Do you mean to say you'd be willing for her to know?”

“She knows I'm in love with him. I don't have to tell her.” There had been such a depth of understanding in her treatment of them both recently that he was sure it was true. He could count on her, just as he could count on Carl.

“Very well. You force me to speak to her. But that won't change anything as far as Toni is concerned.” Won't it? Stuart wondered. He no longer knew what he could expect of Helene. He picked up the wad of bills and tossed them to Robbie. “I just wanted to make it clear exactly how matters stand. I could dictate to you but I won't. I'll let you choose. If you're going, you'll find that useful. It's about five hundred dollars. Tell Toni it's my contribution to your honeymoon. I won't give you more. If you have the guts to go and he has the guts to take you, I might have to revise my opinion about everything you've said to me.” It was a gamble he didn't expect to lose, but better to lose than resort to his mother's methods.

Looking at the money in his hand, Robbie couldn't believe that this was happening. His father had tricked him somehow. All his thoughts had been directed toward keeping Toni here. Even though they'd mentioned it, would Toni really take him to Paris? His passionate declaration of love had been so recent and unexpected that Robbie hadn't digested it yet. Toni was in love with him at last. That made anything possible. He looked at his father across the yawning chasm created by the revelations he had made about himself. His scalp crawled. He couldn't go on sitting here with him. He would never be able to face him again.

He pulled himself to his feet and made a little gesture with the money. “Thanks,” he said.

Stuart played the understanding father to the end, not believing for a moment that Robbie would go. “You can come back whenever you like. Keep in touch. I'll come to Paris if you want me.”

Robbie turned from him and started the climb back to his house with dragging feet. He had done everything that Toni had told him not to do. Toni had counted on him to handle his father diplomatically so that he could stay. He mustn't let him feel that he was being forced to share his disgrace. He would make their going away together sound like an adventure, a trial period, so that Toni wouldn't feel that he was getting too involved. The money would pay for a place to live for months. Perhaps he could start selling his pictures. He couldn't be a burden to Toni. Maybe his life was really beginning.

By the time he reached the house, he had coaxed himself into something like hope. Toni had taken him as if he really needed him. They were going to live together. Why did he find it so difficult to believe? He entered to an unnatural silence, “Toni?” he said experimentally. His glance fell on a note on his worktable and he forced himself to it while his whole body became a knot of pain. There were only a few words: “Much as I'd like to marry you, it's against the law. Let's start laughing about it now. I love my little brother.”

He made a dash for the bedroom door and flung open the closet. There were gaps in the ranks of clothes. He turned and stumbled forward a few steps.

“Toni,” he screamed, and fell headlong and began to beat the floor with his fists.

Carl found him an hour later. He was lying on his back staring vacantly at the ceiling. Carl crouched over him and gathered him into his arms and stretched him out on the bed. “I've seen your father. He's too drunk to make very good sense. He says he's sent Toni away. Did he find out about you?”

“I've told him everything. Almost everything. Not about you.” A wail started in Robbie's throat and rose and broke and he was wracked by sobs. Carl held his naked shoulders. Robbie tore at buttons and pushed his shorts down over his hips. “Take me, Carl,” he gasped. “Fuck me. Make me know who I am again.”

Carl finished undressing him and rose and stripped and saw the lubricant on the bedside table where Robbie had left it. He lay down beside the boy and took him in his arms again. A shudder ran through Robbie's body and his sobs subsided. “I will take you home with me. Your mother is waiting for us. You mustn't think about anything now.”

“Take me. I want a thousand men. Love doesn't mean anything. I want to be wanted.” He moved over Carl's robust body with unrestrained lust and made a wanton display of his erotic skills. Only sensual innovation could obliterate the nightmare of Toni's absence. Carl anticipated his needs and drove him until he was satiated and listless. He could feel the boy giving himself completely into his hands, turning to him for the smallest decision including what clothes to wear. Robbie couldn't bear to look at the depleted closet and drawers. His will was suspended by grief and loss.

“Do I have to see Dad?” he asked with a shadow of apprehension.

“No, no. He is probably still down at the beach house, very drunk. We can all talk some other time.” Carl carried a small bag with a few of Robbie's things and led his stunned charge down through the citrus grove and hustled him into the car without encountering anybody.