Perfecting the Odds (43 page)

“Just do what you needed to do, Karis.
I don’t know what the fuck else I’m supposed to do to get you to understand how much I love you.” Michael clenched his jaw. “Give me a call when you figure your shit out.” With another clench of his jaw, Michael turned around and jogged toward the house. Karis stood stunned, watching him. She anticipated he would disagree with her, tell her he wouldn’t let her go. She stupidly assumed that he wouldn’t give up on her, but she suddenly realized her words just released the axe on his breaking point. Still, she never believed he’d actually walk away from her, and with so much anger. She clutched her stomach, the nausea quickly threatening to throttle.

Karis
stayed on the beach a few minutes longer trying to process what had just happened. After swallowing the ache in her stomach, she called for her children. As they headed toward the house, she decided she would talk with Michael, not that her mind had changed, but she loved him and hated to see him so angry. She had to say more. She just didn’t know what.

As soon as
they reached the sun porch, Eve jerked her by the arm into the vacant mudroom.

“
Eve, what the hell!”

“
What the hell did you say to him?” she asked, her fists clenched at her sides, her nostrils flaring.

“What do you mean?”

Her face fell, as if she were the one heartbroken. “He’s gone, Karis.”

“What do you mean
gone
?”

“I mean he came in here completely pissed off,
and when Scott tried to talk to him, he yelled to get the fuck away from him, and then he sped off in his truck.”

“He’s angry. That’s understandable,
Eve.” Eve all but lunged toward her. And Karis thought that if Eve hadn’t still been injured, she would have slapped Karis across the face.

“What the
hell is wrong with you? I mean, really? Who the fuck cares that he had cancer? Get over it! He loves you. He treats you like a fucking queen!” Eve jabbed a finger toward her. “Think hard about this, Karis. Are you telling me that if you saw him with another woman, that you’d be okay with it? Is that what you want? Because your red eyes, tear-striped face, and the goddamn ten pounds you’ve lost since leaving him at the hospital say you’re lying to yourself,
again!
”

“
Eve—,” she started.

Eve
sat on an overturned milk crate and pointed the one next to her. “No, Karis. Sit. I haven’t wanted to say this to you because I thought you would figure it out on your own, but you are clearly too goddamn stubborn to get your head out your ass and listen to your heart.”

If the words weren’t enough, the desperate look on
Eve’s face was. Karis sat. “Eve, that’s the point. I don’t ….”

“Have you thought for one second about
anyone but yourself? And not just how you’ve lost some significant people in your lifetime...but that you have people in your life that care if
you
live or die? Jesus, Karis-- I could have died when that shithead attacked me. And if that doesn’t open a person’s eyes to how short life is, I don’t know what does. Do you think it was easy for me to let Scott in? To take the risk? You’re so goddamn
paranoid
about losing people, you never considered how precious your own life is to the ones who love you...that any day you could die...and all the people that love you, would suffer the same loss you’ve experienced too many times. And you know what, Karis? I would miss you more than I can imagine.” The women stared at other as if they just
seen
each other for the first time. Tears brimmed their eyes; however, Eve’s held desperation while Karis’s emitted shock.

“
I know you’re scared, but I sure as hell wouldn’t stop living or turn away from a man who loves you like Michael does. I’d live the shit out of my life.” Eve paused for a moment. “Do you even feel alive? Or are you just getting through each day, silently thankful that everyone is still here but scared shitless for the moment it ends again? Because you know what? That’s pretty fucking miserable.”

Karis
listened to Eve’s rant, and the shock quickly transformed into anger. God help her, she couldn’t help it. A twenty-plus year habit is hard to break.
How dare her tell me I’m not living my life?
Replaying Eve’s questions tempered the anger just enough for reason to creep in. Eve was correct. Karis didn’t see her life as precious...she flat out ignored it, watched it pass her by. Okay, so she hadn’t once viewed her life as more important than someone else’s. But, wasn’t that what good, selfless people did? Put themselves before others? She knew one thing for sure. This conversation was giving her a huge fucking headache, and her instincts were kicking in. She wanted to go the hell home.

“
Thanks you, Eve. I hear what you’re saying. I do. But I just need to think. I’m going to get the kids and go,” she said, rising from the crate.

“Do whatever the
hell you want, Karis.” Eve stood and walked away, most likely into Scott’s arms. Karis shut off the part of mind that cared that both Eve’s tone and words mimicked Michael. They were giving up on her. She locked that realization into an area when she could address it. Now wasn’t the time.

Karis
gathered her children from a board game that had started at the dining room table. She thanked Charlotte, Megan, and Lily and was in her car by eight o’clock. The two hour drive home would be torturous at best. Thankfully the kids feel asleep by nine, so she could just drive in mock peace until reaching home. She refused to think about Eve or Michael; instead, she planned her writing lessons for the next week. Her mental note-taking was exactly what she needed. Distraction.

When she finally roused the kids enough to walk them to their rooms, she fell into the bed both physically and emotionally exhausted. Her thoughts
drifted to Michael’s walking away from her and then Eve’s insight, and she allowed her sobs to slowly take her into an unsettling slumber.

              Returning to school after the Thanksgiving break was always interesting. Students were usually off the walls because there were only four weeks until winter break, and they had just come off of a miniature version of it. Whiny and complaining ensued every day, and for the first time, Karis was increasingly nearing her breaking point. She was moody, plain and simple, and if she wasn’t taking it out on her students, she took it out on her own children.

             
Since Thanksgiving, Eve and Karis had little contact besides some short phone conversations, but slowly, Eve allowed Karis back into her life. Their love was unconditional, and despite Karis’s stubbornness, Eve accepted her best friend no matter how fucked up she was, especially when Eve was an entering a committed relationship with Scott. Yes, Eve Quinn was in love and couldn’t stop herself from calling to tell Karis all about it. Karis glowed with adoration when Eve spoke about him.

But m
ost of all, Karis missed Michael so much it was hard to wake knowing he wasn’t a part of her day. Her love hadn’t subsided. She hated that but honestly expected it. He haunted her dreams, her thoughts, and her daily interactions. Out of sight, out of mind held no score when it came to her love for Michael.

Recently i
n the faculty room at school, she broke down upon seeing a lime Greek yogurt cup in the garbage, and her voice cracked thank you every time the laundry servicemen came to take her clothing. She thought having him out of her life would make things easier on her heart, her overall fears about loss, but she felt the same loss she felt with her parents and husband, and it was her own damn fault.

Karis
desperately needed her best friend, in person at her kitchen table like the ‘good ol’ days’. She would beg if she had to. Their sisterly love was truly was unbreakable.

When
Karis called, it didn’t take more than two seconds for Eve to acquiesce to the meeting. The two longtime girlfriends sat at Karis’s table that second Monday afternoon in December as if nothing had changed. Eve’s ankle had healed, only needed a soft ace bandage, and she was nearly back to her normal abrasive self. And to make life Eve hit Cloud Nine, Scott had finally tracked down the bastard who attacked her. He would be tried and most likely serve fifteen years minimum.

Staring at
Eve’s standard “Hos before Bros” mug of coffee, Karis released a heavy sigh.

“
Eve, I’m so sorry.”

Tilting her head,
Eve stubborn face met Karis’s. “And what exactly are you apologizing for?”

Karis
felt the imminent tears that had been flowing too often these days. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize my life was valuable to people who love me, that it may have hurt you by devaluing my life.”

Eve
’s face quickly morphed into a grin. “Well, thank the fucking lord! And when did you
finally
come to that conclusion, you stubborn brat?”

Karis
couldn’t help but laugh. “I think I just allowed my mind to entertain the thought...thanks to you of course. Charley played a part, too, I think. It still doesn’t change the fact that I’m scared everyone will leave me, but at least it helps to think they fear my leaving equally as much. Why the hell did I send him away if I’m so afraid of people leaving me? What the hell’s wrong with me?” She winked through her tears at Eve.

Eve
placed a hand over Karis’s, a surprisingly new gesture for the non-touchy-feel woman. “Maybe you’re so afraid because you know he won’t leave...for a very long time, at least. Maybe you’re afraid of what that means, that you’d have to value life, if only for the man who loves you, who needs you to be with him as much as you need him.” Karis nodded in agreement and dashed away her tears. “I’m glad I could help, Karis. It killed me to see you so miserable. Now, why don’t you pour yourself a cup of coffee, and we’ll plan how you can get Michael back. Or, I could just dish about my sex life with Scott. God, give him the green light on sex, and you’d think…You wouldn’t believe what he did this morning. He--.”

“Jesus,
Eve. I seriously don’t want to hear this!” Nothing was sacred to Eve and clearly she had no problem detailing her man’s sexual prowess. Eve laughed at her cringing face of disgust and stood to pour Karis some coffee. “Eve, I don’t want any. Makes me sick lately.”

Eve
held the carafe in her hand, ready to pour, her face set with confusion. “Coffee makes you sick? Like since when? It’s like legal crack to you, except of course when you get pregnant, then you gag and...” Eve’s voice trailed off as the blood pumping in Karis’s ears thumped in synchrony with an onslaught of rapid-fire questions. Coffee? Nauseous? Pregnant? When was my last period? Did Michael and I not use...? And then a very
wet
image came to mind.

“Oh, God
--the bath,” she whispered.

Eve
furrowed her brow. “What the hell... bath?”

“
Exactly. That night we got...caught up in the moment...we took a bath. He...It was...”

“
Mmm, bath sex. Wait, holy shit!.” Eve paused, and her eyes widened. “Are you pregnant, Karis,” she asked, grabbing Karis’s hand.

“Oh, God.”
Karis stared at Eve with glassy-eyed panic. Was she? Could she be? Was it even possible? Hadn’t Michael had cancer? Radiation? Chemotherapy? Hell, he was down one functioning...? 

“
You have to take a test.” Eve stared, excitement dancing in her eyes. Karis shifted her eyes to a spot on the kitchen table. “Karis? Snap out of it!” Karis jumped at the voice and met Eve’s eyes again. “You have to take a test.”

“I—I
. How? I can’t take the kids. They’ll see.”

Eve
waved her had to dismiss the idea. “Give me thirty minutes. I’ll be right back,” she said, grabbing her purse and rushing toward the front door.

***

The blue line appeared almost instantly. Karis dropped the stick, causing an audible click on the tile floor of her bathroom.
Okay, so maybe it was wrong.
Karis peed on two more sticks. Same result.

Eve
banged on the door. “Karis! You’re killing me. What does it say? Am I an aunt again or not?”

Karis
rose from the toilet, washed her hands, and disposed of the evidence. She opened the door, not quite sure of how she felt about the news. “It says I’m pregnant.”

“You’re smiling
.”

“I am?”

“You are,” Eve said, her grin mimicking Karis’s.

“I have to tell Michael.”

“Absolutely.”

“
Oh, God, this is awful! What if he doesn’t want the child? Me? Shit, I really messed up this time, Eve,” she cried, bending to crouch on the floor. She’d managed to get knocked up twice.

Eve
sat down next to her and rubbed her back. “He left because you gave him a fuck off and find yourself another woman statement... on Thanksgiving, no less. Pretty thankless.”