Perfectly Broken (32 page)

He studied her for a moment. “Okay, I admit: my
mother
didn’t
tell me fairy tales at night and my middle
name is
not
Connla. I just told you that. It was pretense.
And I changed parts of the story, too. I told
my
version.”

She tried to calm her heart and catch her
breath.

“I made it all up.” He didn’t bat an eyelash.
“Except one thing was the truth.” He paused, and she could see he
was choked up. “I love you, Susanna. I will always love you.”

Tears filled her eyes. For a moment, Susanna
couldn’t speak. She could barely think. The only thing she wanted
was to tell him what he wanted to hear. If she promised not to be
with anyone else, it would all be okay. But she couldn’t lie to
him.

“I can’t, Tomas.”

“Please think about what you are doing,” he
said. “If you don’t change, you are going to end up alone. But you
don’t have to.” He waited for her to reply, and when she didn’t, he
continued. “We can be together, baby. Trust me, please.”

She stiffened, but didn’t answer him.

Tomas looked into her eyes, looking for a sign
that she understood what he said. She heard him just fine, and his
dire prediction rattled her. He was probably right about all of it.
Susanna was slipping fast down the slope, unable to stop.

She gazed into his green eyes, loving the
handsome man across from her, and knew in that moment that she’d
just lost everything she cared about.

Tomas looked like his heart was crushed, but his
eyes didn’t soften. “Okay then,” he said, and stood up. “You’re
breaking my heart, Susanna. Because you are the only woman I want.
I’ll be as alone as you will.”

He walked away, and she closed her eyes. Then
the sobs started and she covered her face with the linen napkin.
Susanna had to get out of there. She needed to flee. But she had no
idea where to go, or what to do. Pretend was over, and life had
come crashing back.

*****

After a couple of weeks of agony, Susanna woke
up one morning on the hard floor of her room. The empty bottle next
to her matched the throbbing headache she had. Her mouth was as dry
as sandpaper. Going back to her old lifestyle was going to kill
her.

The night she’d had the fight with Tomas, she
had run back to her apartment and locked her bedroom door. She had
hoped to lock herself away from everyone, and away from life.
Susanna didn’t need Tomas; she didn’t need anyone. In the wake of
the devastation that she knew she was the cause of, Susanna had
reached for the bottle. And she drank and drank until she couldn’t
feel anymore. Couldn’t think anymore.

And she’d kept right on drinking. Pulling up
from the floor, she staggered into the bathroom and was aghast at
her reflection. She looked like hell, and she felt worse. Her eyes
were red and puffy from crying. The gaunt look from weeks of poor
eating and excessive substance abuse was frightening. The ashen
tone of her skin made her look sick.

And she was sick. Very sick. Susanna knew she
might not recover. It was what she had feared all along but had not
been strong enough to walk away from, before everything had come
tumbling down. In one horrifying moment, Tomas had pulled the rug
out from under her, and Susanna had been powerless to do anything
about it.

Her hair was a tangled mess, and her clothes
were disheveled. Susanna was an alcoholic. Worse, she was a druggie
and a sex addict. A new flood of tears threatened to surface, and
she bit them back. She had heard that sometimes a person didn’t
change until they reached bottom.

This must be what bottom looked like, because
she felt like crap both inside and out. Susanna had thought she had
it together, dangerously balancing her addictions. It had been a
way of managing her life. But it had been a house of cards.

Tomas had come into her life like a storm and
ripped her soul apart. From the second she had seen him, Susanna
had been hooked. Though she had tried to warn him away, she had
known all along that she hadn’t really wanted him to go. He had
touched her in a way no man had before.

It had taken all the strength she could muster
to tell him how she felt. And still felt. Susanna loved him.
Completely. Saying she loved him had been terrifying. And now what
she had feared most had happened. She’d lost him. For good.

Susanna understood Tomas, and knew that he
wanted them to have everything. He wouldn’t accept less. He
shouldn’t. So he had asked for her promise, and Susanna had freaked
out, knowing that she couldn’t give him
everything
.

Could she?

She sagged to the floor and covered her face in
her hands, too numb to cry. Too wrung out with emotion to move. The
man she loved was a gambler by nature. And in love, the stakes were
high. He wanted all or nothing. And though she knew he hurt as much
as she did, Tomas was willing to walk away empty, and face
loneliness. He would rather do that than accept less.

Then she remembered something he had said. It
replayed in her mind, his voice as clear as if he was in the same
room, and the words shook her. “
Invent your own life. Make it
what you want it to be
.” A tear rolled down her cheek. He’d had
such confidence about the future.

Susanna’s heart ached, and her body felt like a
rag doll against the cool bathroom tile. She was a mess, a total
disaster. Was she going to do something about it? Was hitting
bottom enough to make her change? Maybe not.

But her love for Tomas was. Her heart swelled
just thinking of him. He was so good, and so loving. And she missed
him so much. New resolve rose to blot out the darkness. A ray of
hope, though tiny—like the silver petal etched on her spine—shone
brightly. She would do it for him. Because she loved him
that
much. And because she wanted to be with him, more than
anything.

Susanna had to pull out of the basement of her
emotions and claw her way out of the grasp of her addictions. She
stood and stripped off her dirty clothes to shower. Letting the hot
water pound into her, Susanna began to face what she needed to
do.

It wouldn’t be easy. But as the maiden had found
in the idyllic story Tomas had so often recited:
“The prince’s
need for her was stronger than any adversity they would have to
face together
.”

Surely the maiden’s need was just as strong as
Connla’s, and though faced with impossible odds, she would defy—and
overcome—all opposition. It
had
to be true. Susanna had to
believe it. And she had to make the fairy tale real. She had to
write her own ending. It was the only way.

Susanna dressed to go out. Before leaving, she
straightened up her room and threw out the liquor bottle. Then she
dug in her purse for the tincture, and dumped the last few drops in
the sink before tossing it in the garbage. Surveying her mundane
environment, she steeled herself to be strong, then walked out and
shut the door behind her.

*****

The first step for Susanna had been to get help
with addiction before it ruined her life beyond repair. Unsure
about where to turn, she went to Rowan for assistance. He searched
online to find out what her options were, and got her into a
self-help group.

He had even gone with her for the first meeting.
The concept was to replace her destructive behaviors with healthy
ones. It was called cognitive therapy. Having other people there
with the same issues she had made her realize it wasn’t hopeless
after all. After a few sessions, Susanna felt like her tiny ray of
hope was brightening.

She had a long way to go, but she had started in
the right direction. Now that she had crawled out of the worst of
the situation, Susanna had to decide what to do with her life.
Rowan dragged her to Trinity College, ignoring her doubts about
whether she was up to the rigors of getting her degree.

At the administration office, they made a
discovery that opened the door for her. There was a revised student
aid program. Due to the economic downturn, the Bank of Ireland had
taken initiative and devised a program to assist students with
their educational expense. The loan would cover all four years, and
only a minimum payment was required until she got her degree, with
reasonable payments on the balance once she graduated.

However, there remained the problem of
employment. After the blowup with Tomas, showing up for work hadn’t
been a priority. And she’d been too drunk or stoned, anyway. The
gift shop fired her, and Susanna didn’t know how she was going to
support herself.

That was until she went back to the YMCA to read
to the kids. The manager motioned her aside, and Susanna thought
she was probably in trouble there too. But it seemed one of the
desk clerks had quit, and since he knew her from her volunteer
work, the manager offered her the job.

The employees who worked the shifts went to
college, and the manager was willing to work around class
schedules. The job didn’t pay much, but Susanna accepted
gratefully.

Rowan had taken a day off work to go with her to
the campus. It still seemed unreal that she’d attend the college
that she’d walked by every day without giving it a second thought.
The gray stone buildings of higher learning were a bit
intimidating, and Susanna was glad she had her friend with her.

“Okay, I’ll wait out here for you,” he said.

Susanna hugged him and went into the huge halls
to make her way to the office. As part of her acceptance to the
program, she was required to have entrance counseling. Although she
was nervous, her excitement overrode it. The doors of the college
opening to her gave her the opportunity to do what she’d wanted to
for so long.

The interview took about half an hour, and
Susanna was bubbling with excitement when she ran out to the
courtyard to tell Rowan all about it. He sat on the grass, looking
very unimpressed with the college environment, but he waved her
over when he saw her.

She plopped onto the grass beside him, talking
so fast that she wondered if he understood a word she said. “You
won’t believe it! He said I have the personal qualities and
motivations to work in one of the caring professions. Me!”

Rowan grinned, his blue eyes sparkling. He
pulled at a blade of grass. “What career?”

Susanna beamed at him. “I’m going to be a social
worker. After four years, I’ll have my degree, and I’ll be able to
help children, Rowan.”

“That’s perfect.”

She continued pouring out the details. “I was
worried about being accepted to the program, but it seems my grade
average was good enough. I’d forgotten that when my parents were
still alive they’d made sure I studied.” She smiled again. “And my
test scores were good enough.”

He ruffled her hair. “I always knew you were
smart, baby doll. You just have to put it to use.”

“Now I will.” All that she’d learned in the
interview raced through her mind. “Did you know that thousands of
children are in foster care? Maybe I’ll even work with the Irish
Foster Care Association…to make a difference in their lives.”

“You’ll be great.”

She looked at her friend, relaxed on the grass,
leaning back on his hands. “I don’t care how difficult it is,
Rowan. I’m going to study and work hard. I’ll get my degree, you’ll
see.”

“I have no doubt.”

Susanna smiled. “No, you don’t, do you?”

He sat up. “I could use an espresso. How about
you?”

Susanna nodded. “Actually, I’m starved. I was a
bundle of nerves all morning, so I didn’t eat any breakfast. But
now that the interview is over, I can relax.”

They walked to Simon’s, a busy café in town.
They had sandwiches and coffee while they talked. Susanna liked it
there. The polished wood floors and sunny walls were cheerful. It
was casual, and frequented by many students for lunch.

Susanna bit into half of her sandwich, piled
with fresh ingredients on whole wheat bread. “Mmm, I should come
here more often. They make the best food.”

Rowan agreed, having eaten one of his halves in
three big bites. He sipped some espresso to wash it down. “I’m
seeing someone,” he said.

“You are?”

He looked pleased. “Yes, I met her at work. We
have a lot in common.”

Susanna grinned. “That’s so great, Rowan. I’ve
been so involved with my own problems I haven’t asked about you. So
you think it might work out?”

“You never know. But so far we seem to fit.” He
smiled. “She’s pretty.”

“I bet she is,” Susanna said. “What’s her
name?”

Rowan smiled again. “Gwendolyn.”

“That’s a beautiful name. I’ll have to meet
her.”

He shrugged. “We could double.”

Susanna frowned.

Rowan put his cup on the table. “What are you
going to do about Tomas?”

“I love him, Rowan,” she said without
hesitation. Then she took a deep breath and looked to her friend
for support. “I have to get him back.”

* * * * *

The gaping hole inside Tomas got worse the
longer Susanna was missing from his life. He had managed to go to
work, and even made it to the gym, but life had been empty. The
future, his goals, and even taking his next breath hadn’t been the
same without her.

Since meeting Susanna, things had changed
dramatically. He had experienced the excitement of being with the
woman he loved, and there was no substitute for it. All else paled
in comparison.

Whether she would come back, Tomas didn’t know
for sure. He prayed she would, and the only thing he could do was
have faith in her strength. For despite all her avowed weaknesses,
Susanna was the strongest, most independent woman he knew. Even if
she didn’t think so.

She could come through. But would she? There
were no guarantees in life. Only in make-believe. And though he’d
tried to bring the joy from the ancient tale of Connla and the
fairy maiden into their lives, Tomas didn’t know if he had
succeeded.