Persona - A Disturbing Psychological Thriller (16 page)

‘What the fuck are you talking about?’

‘Personas,’ Dave whispered. ‘Adopting personalities and presenting them to everyone. How many different people are there… Are
you
?’

‘Col was the only one.’

‘How do you know?’

‘Because I know myself.’

‘No you don’t. You couldn’t tell “Col” was false. You thought he was a real person. How long has it been since you made him up? How long has “Col” been alive?’

‘Not long. About three months I think.’

‘Yeah, that’s what I thought, and in that short space of time he was enough to break away from your faculties and exist as a different person. Like a robot programmed to help you accomplish something that
you
, Ryan, couldn’t. If that can happen in three months, think what could have happened over years.’

‘Dave, this is stupid.’

‘Yeah, it sounds it, doesn’t it? But it’s true and you can’t tell.’ He looked incredulously at Ryan. ‘I’m wasting my breath talking to you. You’re just a vessel, a frame for people I don’t even know. You supply their energy. You bring them to life. You don’t even know who they are. You let them possess you, you stupid fucker!’

Yet again Ryan had to ward off detrimental thoughts. He wanted to punch Dave, but resisted. He was the reserved one in their relationship. Him, the most aggressive, emotionless animal around and he was the calm party, while this little lamb was getting a hard-on about something.

‘You’re getting carried away. Again.’

‘Ryan,’ Dave pleaded, ‘you’re intelligent. Can’t you try to see what I’m saying? Can’t you tell that my concerns are well-founded? Col lived three months and became a real person to you. You realised this because of me. I never knew about this until today. What about all the years that have passed?’

‘Dave, you’re getting excited about nothing. I told you – these people enable me to try things I normally wouldn’t. My desire to find my fate is a recent thing. Col was the only “robot”. I appreciate your concern, but there’s nothing to worry about. You helped me out, made me realise I was taking this too far.’

Dave settled down a little and spoke more calmly. ‘It was counterproductive anyway.’

Ryan stared expectantly at him.

‘Listen to me,’ Dave explained. ‘If you believed your invention was separate from you, which you did, and you went on to achieve one of your objectives through him, then how could you have benefited? It’s something only “Col” would’ve learnt.’

‘No.’ Ryan shook his head. ‘This is fate. I may have got carried away with my method of pursuing a goal, but once I’d got there the mine inside me would’ve deactivated and either I’d have found my peace or I’d have floated closer to my place. “Col” was a guinea pig, nothing more. He would’ve dissolved once he’d served his purpose and I’d have taken his place.’

‘Yeah? You sure about that?’

‘Yes. He only exists as a means to an end. He won’t last.’ Ryan laughed. ‘But while he does his work, it’s probably advantageous that I believe in him, then I can focus one hundred percent on my task, without character inconsistencies fucking things up. “Col” has to devote himself to his mission.’ That way, Ryan would remain anonymous too – it was essential that no clues be given about his true identity.

‘You don’t mean you’re going to carry on with this pretence after all I’ve said?’

‘Yeah, but I won’t let it get so heavy, I promise. I still have to experiment and open all the doors. I won’t feel satisfied until I do. So I’d appreciate it if you’d continue to play ball.’

‘I don’t believe this.’ Dave sighed and sank back into the bed. After a long silence he said, ‘I’ve told Fay.’

‘What?’

‘I’m close to her. I don’t like to hide things.’

‘Oh for
fuck’s
sake. What the fuck
else
have you told her?’ There was venom in Ryan’s tone and Dave could tell he’d stepped into dangerous territory.

‘That’s all I said,’ he lied. ‘I was drunk and it slipped out. I didn’t think it was that big a deal at the time. Besides, I don’t like to lie to my girlfriend.’

‘Girlfriend?’ Ryan sneered. ‘You’ve known her for five fucking minutes. Are you that desperate for sex that you’ll settle for the fattest fuck around?’

Dave shot up to the edge of the bed. Fists clenched tightly, he shook with rage. He rocked back and forth on the bed, threatening to leap at Ryan.

‘Don’t be stupid,’ Ryan warned. ‘You throw one of those puny punches at me, I’ll throw you out the fucking window.’

‘You’d better apologise,’ Dave stuttered, trembling with rage and fear.

Ryan covered his face and willed himself to relax. He couldn’t punch Dave – it was unfair and he’d feel bad for a long time. Dave was a friend he didn’t want to lose. Though that didn’t detract from the fact that Dave had let him down.

‘Dave, I overreacted and I won’t say it again. But you let me down and I’m disappointed.’

Dave released the tension inside him. It was as close as Ryan got to an apology. ‘I was talking about you to her. It’s ridiculous me referring to you as “Col”. I know you as Ryan.’

‘Yeah well, that’s the way it goes. If it hadn’t been for me, you never would’ve met her anyway, so the least you could’ve done was call me “Col” when you were with her. It wasn’t difficult.’

‘So how do you feel about Stacey?’ Dave asked.

Ryan tutted. ‘I feel that she’s a revolting fat bitch who thinks I’m attracted to her. She’s just a pawn, no, a rook, in my game of chess – she plays a potentially vital role in securing my victory. I want to try voyeurism and she’s the slut who gets used. Maybe it’s what I need. If not, she can get the fuck out of my sight.’

‘Well that’s told me,’ Dave said, visibly shocked.

‘So have you fucked Fay?’

Dave sighed, sitting back against the wall. ‘I need to talk to you about that. In fact it’s the reason I came over.’

‘Is that why you look like shit?’

‘It is… We began to have sex and I went soft.’

Not surprising, Ryan thought to himself. ‘Do you think that’s because you don’t find her attractive?’

‘That’s the thing. I think she’s beautiful. She’s my
perfect
woman.’

Ryan laughed. ‘I love that about you, Dave – your obsession with fat birds is your finest quality.’

Dave ignored him. He didn’t want to get wound up. He wanted to talk. ‘I just can’t get hard,’ he said despairingly. ‘What do I do?’

‘You’re probably not relaxed. How long since you’ve had it?’

‘Four years,’ he said hesitantly. Usually he lied and said a few months, but he felt at ease with Ryan. He could talk to him about anything. Yes, Ryan took the piss out of him most of the time, but he was loyal and caring - and so he should be after everything he’d subjected Dave to.

Ryan concealed his surprise. ‘That’s a long time, lad. You’re out of practice and were probably too tense. I know you’ve wanted a girlfriend for a while. That put you under pressure. You wanted to satisfy her so she’d stick around and you got too uptight about it. It gave you a saggy dick.’

That sounded likely, Dave thought. He
was
desperate to impress her and had been incredibly tense, but it wasn’t something he could tell her.

‘How do I relax?’ he asked.

‘Well, you’re speaking to a stallion here with a dick like a fucking canoe, so fortunately I can’t relate to your problem and it’s just conjecture, but I would suggest Fay has an important role in it.’

‘Yeah, no shit.’

‘She’s got to put you at ease. It’s up to her to make you relax.’

‘That makes sense. She doesn’t help with
that
at all.’

‘What does she do? Call you “beer dick”?’

‘No, but she gets vexed.’

‘What a bitch.’

‘Hey, watch your language.’ Dave pointed a finger at him. ‘She’s a lovely girl. She just gets a bit intense with sex.’

‘Well it ain’t doing you no good. Look at the state of you.’

‘I just want to satisfy her. I’m worried about losing her.’

‘Why don’t you lick her beef curtains then?’

‘I can’t. I mean I
tried
, but I just can’t with her.’ He stared at Ryan, almost in self-pity. ‘It smells
so
bad and she’s got enough pubic hair to make a wig.’

‘Did you get furballed?’ Ryan asked.

Dave stared at him quizzically.

‘It’s when a mammoth hair ball gets wedged in your throat,’ Ryan explained.

‘No I didn’t, but I was very close to puking and had to stop.’

Ryan burst into laughter.

‘It’s not funny,’ Dave objected. ‘It’s not funny.’

Before long though, he joined Ryan in laughter and ended up rolling off the bed in a fit of tears.

24

Tash sipped her cocktail. ‘It’s weird, us, don’t you think?’

‘Me and you?’ Jenny asked.

‘Nah, us four. You, me, Ben and Geoff.’ She puckered her lips. ‘I’m doing Geoff; he was your ex, and now you go out with his best mate.’

‘I see what you mean. Yeah, I suppose it is.’

‘No secrets between us, huh?’

Jenny felt her cheeks burn. ‘I can imagine what Geoff said about me.’

Tash grinned. ‘It’s not what you think, love. Exes usually bad mouth, don’t they? Not him. He isn’t over you.’

‘Oh.’

‘Don’t worry, I don’t have issues with you at all. It’s just Geoff; he’s an arsehole, but he’s a stud too, and he can be pretty funny.’

‘That’s decent of you. I don’t know how I’d be if you’d been out with Ben and he felt the same way about you.’

Tash smiled. ‘He’s a hunk, too. I tell ya, other girls must be so jealous of us!’

Jenny leaned in. ‘Geoff, was…he was nice, but he was too-’

‘Physical? Yeah, I know. I love it. I’ll sit there watching telly, and he’ll stick his fingers up my skirt.’ She laughed, and Jenny couldn’t help joining in. This woman was unreal!

‘I’m a filthy bitch, I’m sure you know that by now.’ Jenny said nothing, just sat there, still smiling. ‘I’m not knocking you by the way. It’s good that you don’t sit on anyone like me.’

Jenny took a breath. ‘I had a bad experience with an ex. I lost it with him, and he was a bastard to me.’ She sucked up Bloody Mary. ‘He bought me nice things, took me to nice places, but once we’d had sex, that’s all he wanted to do. I felt like a whore.’

Tash shook her head. ‘That’s blokes for you, unfortunately. They just want to brag about it to their mates.’

‘Don’t you believe there’s someone out there who wouldn’t mistreat you?’

‘Not if he’s got a cock.’ That made Jenny laugh again. ‘I’ll stick with Geoff and enjoy the sex, until he dumps me.’

‘That’s not a relationship, Tash.’

‘I’m a realist. Besides, with no long-term expectations, I never get hurt.’

Jenny nodded. ‘That’s true, I suppose. It just sounds depressing. I don’t think that way about Ben. I’d be devastated if he left me.’

Tash chinked Jenny’s glass. ‘You love the romance. That’s fine. That’s who you are.’

Jenny thought. ‘I wonder how Geoff feels about me and Ben, if he still has feelings for me.’

‘I think he’s gutted, but they’re typical mates, you know; they like to get one up on the other.’

‘But that’s not why Ben went out with me, was it?

Tash spotted the sudden concern on Jenny’s face. ‘No, no. He fancied you, that’s for sure.’ Jenny swished the drink around in her glass. ‘You ever seen him box?’ Tash asked.

‘Ben?’

‘Yeah.’

‘No, why have you?’

Tash nodded, her lips parted. ‘Jesus Christ, he’s ferocious! I saw him box Geoff once. Knocked him clean out.’

‘Really?’

‘You ever watch boxing on the telly?’ Jenny shook her head. Tash sucked through her straw, and then pushed the empty glass aside. ‘They started off jabbing each other, going light, but they’re both so competitive, they both wanna win, and it started to get more serious. The punches got harder, and Geoff got an uppercut in and I heard Ben’s teeth smash together.’ She inched in closer to Jenny. ‘You should’ve seen his eyes; they were demon eyes, and I was scared, I tell ya. I thought he was gonna kill Geoff.

‘Geoff backed away, but Ben literally ran up to him and hit his face so hard I thought Geoff was a goner. I had to call an ambulance. He only came to hours later. Funnily enough he hasn’t boxed Ben since.’

Jenny was running her fingers up and down her glass. ‘I saw him flatten a drunk guy who came onto me in The Cube. That was pretty scary.’