Pewter Angels (15 page)

“We’ll make it, Henry,” Jenny said. “It’s just one day. I need to sort things out in my closet and straighten out my room. Maybe I can do that tomorrow night, and spend a little time with Mom and Dad. You know? Show them they don’t need to be so concerned about us. And maybe you can spend some time with Timmy or … what’s the name of your other friend?”

“Oh, you mean Gary Franklin?”

“That’s him.”

“Yeah, he’s not back from holidays yet.”
I would rather see you.

As the two continued their stroll down the tree-lined street in silence, Jenny noticed that someone had carved initials and a lopsided heart into one of the tree trunks. That gave her an idea. “If you were a tree Henry, I would carve my heart into your bark.”

Henry squeezed her hand. They passed Mr. Miller’s front yard and Henry noticed a beautiful array of flowers in a rock garden. “And, if you were a flower, Jenny, you’d be the one I’d pick.”

“Aww,” she replied, leaning towards him to lay her head on his shoulder. “That’s really sweet. If you were a book, I’d not only read and caress every page, but also never close the cover.”

Henry squeezed Jenny’s hand again. “If you were the sun, I’d want to feel your warmth all the time. I would never want darkness to ever come again.”

“And if you were the ocean, I’d want to be a fish and swim in you all the time.”

“Oh, Jenny, if you were the stars I’d be the sky that held you for eternity.”

She smiled up at him.

“Oh, Henry, I think you’ve got me there. I can’t top that one.” As they turned toward home, Jenny leaned into him again, welling up with love for Henry, and feeling as though she might burst with happiness.

The next day,
the store was very busy, so there wasn’t time for Henry to do much but work. He couldn’t stop thinking about Jenny, though, and had trouble keeping his mind on the job.

“Is everything all right, Henry?”

Henry wanted to tell Mr. Engelmann about their decision to see each other only every other day, but there were several customers in the store. “Yes, I’m fine.”

His boss studied him for a moment, and Henry got the feeling that Mr. Engelmann knew he wasn’t being truthful.

By the end of the day, Henry was exhausted. Trying to do his work with no hope of seeing Jenny that evening drained him.

“Good night, Mr. Engelmann.”

“Good night, Henry, and say hello to—”

Henry waited at the door, but Mr. Engelmann didn’t say anything else.

“Are you feeling
okay, Henry?” his mother asked when he pushed his plate away, his cabbage rolls only half eaten.

“Just a little tired tonight,” Henry replied and then excused himself to avoid any further conversation. He went outside and stared at Jenny’s house. He had hoped that she would be out, but she wasn’t. He sat down on the steps, nothing in him but loneliness. He’d just decided to head back in when Jenny’s screen door opened and she came out with a white piece of paper in her hand. He brightened at the sight of her and lifted a hand in greeting.

She skipped down the front steps and didn’t stop until she reached the gate at the end of her front walk. She fumbled around the post that held the gate. After a few moments she pointed to the top of the post and mimed that there was something there for him and that it came from her heart. She then turned and danced back towards her front door, blowing a kiss at him before disappearing back into the house.

Wondering what she’d done, he got up and walked nonchalantly to Jenny’s gate. An elastic around the post held a folded piece of paper. He retrieved the note and beat a hasty retreat home, keeping an eye out for Mrs. Sarsky.

Safe in his room, he eagerly unfolded the note and read:

If you were a bed, I would be your blanket and cuddle up all around you throughout the night. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow after dinner when we can go for a walk.

Henry brought the note to his lips. He kissed it and inhaled the scent of the ink, knowing that Jenny had just touched it, trying to feel any of the warmth that might still linger from her hand. He laughed to himself as he read and reread her words.

In a flash, he opened the desk drawer and selected a sheet of blue-coloured paper, tearing off a small piece. now, what to write? He tapped his pen against the desk then put it to the page a heartbeat later.

If you were a chocolate bar, you’d be the sweetest ever made!

Oh Henry

He folded the note, rose from his desk and walked to the front door.

“Are you going out?” his mom asked from the living room.

“Yeah, for a minute. I won’t be long.”

A minute or two later, Henry was back in his room, reading and rereading Jenny’s note, hoping it would sustain him until the next time he could see her.

The workday seemed
to drag on forever, but Henry’s mood improved as the day went on. He’d see Jenny after supper. He could hardly wait. At three o’clock, he made three deliveries and was gone for over half an hour.

When he returned, Mr. Engelmann, busy at the till, called out, “You just missed Jenny. She told me to tell you she has to go out to dinner again with her mom and dad and that she will see you tomorrow. Oh yes, she also said for you to look at the fence-post, and that you would know what that meant.”

Henry shuffled away to restock the shelves, disappointment written all over him.

They were busy until almost closing time. As soon as the last customer left the store, he bade farewell to Mr. Engelmann, anxious to read whatever Jenny had left for him. As he passed by Jenny’s house, he detached the folded piece of paper from the fence-post.

His mom and dad were already at the supper table when he got in. “Hi, Henry, please wash and come quickly,” his mom called out to him. “Supper’s getting cold.”

“Be right there.”

He left the note on his desk—he wasn’t about to read it in front of his parents—then dashed into the bathroom to clean up before hurrying out to the kitchen. He crossed himself, said a private grace and began to eat.

He was so preoccupied with Jenny’s note he hardly noticed the meal his mom had prepared. He just kept eating, finishing even before his parents. When he looked up from his plate, they were both staring at him.

“What?”

“Have you got something important on for tonight?” his dad asked.

“Oh, no, not really. I just have something I want to do. May I be excused, please?”

His mother looked at him, puzzled. “Sure, Henry.”

Henry ran back to his room. Taking a deep breath, he sat at his desk and opened the note:

Dear “Oh Henry,”

Dad phoned home after lunch—a work friend of his had invited us out for dinner a week ago and Dad forgot to tell us. I am so sorry I won’t be able to keep our date for tonight.

Thank you for your note, I loved it! And if you were a pie, I would want to be the sugar and the spice.

Jenny

“You
are
my sugar and spice … you’re my whole life,” Henry whispered. He took out the blue sheet of paper, tore off another piece, and started to write. He wanted to say how much he missed her and wanted to be with her, but worried that her parents might find the note. Instead, he simply wrote:

Dear Sugar & Spice,

Thanks for letting me know. I’ll count the minutes until tomorrow night when I can see you again. And if you were a watch, I’d keep you in my breast pocket next to my heart so I could feel you tick all night long.

Henry

He went over to Jenny’s place and tucked his note securely behind the elastic on the fence-post.

In the days that followed, they continued their game, each trying to outdo the other. But their efforts to see less of each other didn’t seem to appease Jenny’s mom. Each time Henry called on Jenny, Mrs. Sarsky was very abrupt with him. He tried everything to be friendly, but to no avail. It wouldn’t have mattered if she wasn’t the mother of the girl he loved.

Henry was amazed
by how quickly the summer was flying by. With Jenny in his life and work at the store, there was never a dull moment. Mr. Mahoney dropped in during the third week of August like clockwork. Once again Henry was very happy to see his employer hand over another cheque to the tax man. Judging by the expression on Mr. Mahoney’s face, the amount must have been larger than the last time. Even though Mr. Mahoney didn’t seem to have confidence in his ability to help Mr. Engelmann, it just made Henry all the more determined to prove the tax man wrong.

Henry’s help at the store over the summer had also freed up Mr. Engelmann to spend more time caring for his wife. Anna’s health slowly improved, and she began to spend more time in the store. Henry just loved it when she was there. She was caring and kind and brought a special elegance to the business. It was surprising to Henry how many ladies came in just to talk to Mrs. Engelmann about their concerns, just like Mr. Engelmann and Henry did. Mrs. Engelmann would often escort troubled ladies back into the little store room to sit on boxes and have heart to heart discussions. Many times the woman in question would leave with joyful tears in her eyes. It was becoming clear to Henry that the Engelmanns had a mission beyond just selling groceries.

With Mrs. Engelmann’s increased time in the store came more chances for Mr. Engelmann to steal away from the business and go out back with Henry for a break. Henry looked forward to those times and the moment he would finally be able to talk to Mr. Engelmann about Jenny and his overwhelming feelings for her.

W
ould you like to
sleep with her?” Mr. Engelmann asked as they sat in the morning sun on the old grey crate.

Henry was startled by the bold question. They had been talking about his relationship with Jenny, and then
boom
, Mr. Engelmann zeroed in on what was really bothering him.

Despite his liking and respect for Mr. Engelmann, and how much he’d wanted to talk about his deepest feelings, Henry now found himself shy.

“What do you mean, sleep with her?”

“You know what I mean, Henry,” Mr. Engelmann pressed. “Would you like to have sex with her?”

I guess Mr. Engelmann knows these things. But does he even have sex anymore at his age, and with Mrs. Engelmann being sick and all?
Henry tried to think of something else to talk about. And yet there was something about Mr. Engelmann Henry trusted. He’d heard a couple of guys boasting about “rounding third” and “hitting a home run” while he himself was pretty clueless about the whole thing. Oh, he knew the mechanics of it all—he’d grown up on a farm, after all—but he had no idea what to do with his feelings.

And he did want to talk to someone—Lord knew he wasn’t about to talk to either of his parents about it, he’d be grounded for months! All this ran through his head as he thought about Mr. Engelmann’s question. If he told the truth, would Mr. Engelmann get mad at him?

“Yeah, I-I guess so. Actually, I want to more than pretty much anything,” he finally blurted out, surprising himself.

Mr. Engelmann did not look at him and Henry was glad. His boss only nodded, smiling slightly.

“Thank you for your honesty, Henry. That was a good answer and came from the heart, no?”

“Yes.” Henry felt heat on his cheeks and looked down to where the heels of his sneakers drummed a soft, hollow beat on the crate.
Geez, this is going to be hard to talk about, even with Mr. Engelmann!

“You know, Henry, the feelings and desires you have are not new. All humanity has gone through what you are feeling, me included. When you look at me, you may see an old man, but I too was once young with the same wishes and urges you feel now. When I met Anna, I was a little older than you—eighteen, I think. Anna was a year younger.

“I lived in the country and Anna lived in town. Her father was a baker, the best in the village. Everyone respected his skill in making a fine bread that no one in all the territory could match. I can almost smell the bread baking.” Mr. Engelmann paused for a moment, as he relived a special time in his past.

Then he went on. “Maybe, I too, am hesitant to talk about this. I am not sure I know the right way to answer the questions you might have … so, perhaps, we will just continue to talk, no? And eventually it will all come out.”

Henry hoped whatever Mr. Engelmann had to say would be expressed soon; he didn’t know how much embarrassment he could stand.

“Anyway, Henry, Anna and I wanted to be together in every way possible, including the physical. We loved each other very much and that alone was justification enough. We planned to marry and live together even though we knew that was impossible at the time. What on earth could we live on? Sex? No. Love? No. These are very important elements in a marriage, but without trust and respect, without the security of a home and a job, it cannot last.” Mr. Engelmann turned away and took a deep breath, giving them both time to reflect. “Just think about it, Henry. Could your parents have brought you into the world and cared for you without some secure base, without each trusting that the other had their best interests at heart, without being partners in life?”

“No-o,” Henry said slowly, never having thought about it that way before.

“Would it be right for you to marry Jenny without learning about each other so there can be respect and trust between you? Would it be right to marry her without being able to support her?”

“No,” Henry said again, this time with more certainty. “I would feel terrible.”

“Well, then, what if, right now, you suddenly found out she was expecting your child?”

The thought hit Henry like a ton of bricks. “That would be devastating!”

They were both quiet for a long time. At least a half-hour had passed since the start of their break, but Mr. Engelmann didn’t move to go in so Henry didn’t either. He wondered what Mr. Engelmann wanted to tell him. Mr. Engelmann opened his mouth as if to speak and then closed it again.

Finally, he went on, “When I was teaching in the old country, I read the works of a Russian scientist named Pavlov.” Mr. Engelmann paused and scratched his head as if that would help him to recall better. “He was doing experiments with dogs and learned he could change the dogs’ behaviour by conditioning them.”

“So? I don’t understand.”

“Just bear with me for a moment, Henry.”

Henry looked down at his feet again, wondering if talking to Mr. Engelmann had been a good idea.

Mr. Engelmann squinted as he turned his head up towards the sun, as if the warm rays would illuminate memories of the past. “If I remember correctly, Mr. Pavlov learned he could condition the dogs, creating a specific response to the various stimuli presented to them.”

“What does that mean?” Henry asked, growing impatient.

“Well, let me explain and I think you will understand. Pavlov kept the dogs in a cage and would show them food behind a screen. As soon as the dogs got worked up and began to salivate at the sight of the food, he would ring a bell while opening the cage door to feed them. After many such trials, Henry, all Pavlov needed to do to make the dogs salivate was ring the bell, even if there was no food in the cage. He conditioned the dogs to respond to a new stimulus: the sound of a bell.”

“That’s interesting, Mr. Engelmann, but what’s it got to do with me and Jenny?”

Mr. Engelmann looked at him over his glasses. “I know you want to know everything right away and have your problems solved immediately, but life’s challenges take time. I will try to come more directly to the point.”

Henry shifted his legs so his feet wouldn’t fall asleep and waited. Following Henry’s lead, Mr. Engelmann too shifted from side to side, settling more deeply into the cracks and spaces between the slats of the old crate, reflecting for a moment before speaking again.

“When Anna and I were dating, we decided not to be intimate until we were married for the reasons I have already explained to you, but there is more to consider. If Anna and I had had sex then, or if you and Jenny start to have sex now, it will be all you think about and want to do. Each time you think about it, you will begin to salivate just like the dogs in Pavlov’s experiment, and each time you are rewarded by giving in to your desire, that desire will grow stronger until it becomes a total preoccupation. Your time together will not be for conversation or visits with other friends, but for sex. You will be thinking and scheming where and how you can be alone and away from everyone so you can indulge in that moment of pleasure and get your reward.”

Henry was beginning to understand what Mr. Engelmann was getting at.
It’s true
, Henry thought. He always regretted when Timmy Linder came between him and Jenny and how—

“When I was a young child I once stole a penny from my mother’s purse, and the next day I went to the store and bought a candy. Every few days I would take another penny, rewarded each time with candy just like a dog in Pavlov’s experiment. Since I was not caught, I kept stealing until one day the storekeeper told my mother. The stealing abruptly stopped, and my behind very quickly learned a new stimulus! That is why I watch so carefully when young people come into my store. I know some want to steal. I don’t want them to get away with it and be rewarded.” Mr. Engelmann looked at Henry again, sunlight glinting off the lenses of his glasses. “Now do you understand?”

“Yeah, it sort of makes sense.”

“Let me go on,” said Mr. Engelmann. “When God made the world, Henry, He instilled in every animal and human a sexual drive, a very strong urge, one with very pleasurable results. In men, this drive can be almost instant.”

Henry nodded. The guys in gym talked about sex all the time.

“Women feel desire, too, but it takes a little longer for them. The main reason for this urge is so every creature will reproduce itself. If God had not put this drive in us, we would have no desire to procreate and the Earth would soon have no people. Do you understand, Henry?”

“Sure, but I still don’t get the point.”

“The point is this: all creatures, humans as well as animals, want to have sex—are, in fact, driven to do so—but there is a big difference between humans and animals. With animals there is no right and wrong, no moral code of conduct, but with humans there is. God gave man a brain, a mind to think, as well as free will to choose to do right or wrong.”

Henry met Mr. Engelmann’s gaze and nodded his under standing.

“The trouble with us, Henry, is that we want our desires to be met
now.
We can’t wait. Many times we are like animals, acting on instinct and impulse without thought to the consequences of our actions. Sure we have desires. Sure we want to have sex. But when is the best time to engage in it?” Mr. Engelmann turned towards Henry and paused. Henry knew he was giving him a moment to consider the question.

“Henry, ask yourself: ‘Should I wait until I can provide for Jenny and support her and the possibility of a child, or simply do what feels good and use her for my own sexual gratification?’”

Mr. Engelmann paused again. This time, Henry knew he was waiting for an answer. Knowing it was best to wait battled his need to be with Jenny in every way he could. It wasn’t simply mind over matter; his desire for Jenny felt right, too.

He didn’t know what to say.

“It’s all about choices,” Mr. Engelmann continued. “But even more important is why we make the choices we make. What is it that we really believe in, in our hearts and souls? What is it that tells us this is right and this is wrong? What is at the very core of who we are, Henry?”

Henry’s eyes widened. “Tell me.” For the first time since the start of their discussion, Mr. Engelmann had Henry’s full attention.

“Henry, this is what makes us different from Pavlov’s dogs: we have a set of beliefs that we learn to live by as we grow. We already talked about it a little this morning. If you believe in the sanctity of marriage, then you choose not to engage in premarital sex. If you believe in honesty, then you choose not to steal. If you believe you should be truthful, then you choose not to lie, and so on. These are
values
, Henry. Values are very important in life. And the choices we make as we live each day are based on the values and principles we believe in our hearts.”

Mr. Engelmann paused, “I learn how I should live from the Bible. I try to live the way Jesus did, and make my choices based on what He said and did. He was the perfect example of how to live. The values He lived by are in the Bible. It is His legacy, His teachings to all the world, to help us live a good and happy life.” Mr. Engelmann eyed him again. “With what we’ve talked about this morning, Henry, how have you decided to be with Jenny? Like an animal—or like a man with reason who believes in values that are sound and right?”

Henry thought about it. Though Mr. Engelmann was maybe simplifying things a bit, Henry understood what he was getting at. Did he want to be like a dog and just seek gratification, or was he a man who would rise above his animal instincts and consider consequences and values? Thoughts of pregnancy, marriage and responsibility flashed through Henry’s mind. There was so much more to sex than just sex.

He nodded slowly. Mr. Engelmann was painting the big picture, trying to get him to understand the whole issue, not just part of it. And, Henry had to admit, his arguments were persuasive.

“Your time together now, Henry, is to learn to love and understand each other, to have fun and enjoy your youth. If you choose to have sex, it’s all you will condition yourself to seek, and eventually it may destroy you or Jenny. Many people have chosen this path. For some it has led to abortion, for others, adoption. Just imagine having to give your child away and the heartbreak it would cause. Sometimes the boy just leaves, making the girl feel used, wanted only for sex and not for herself.”

Although the sun was getting warmer as it climbed in the morning sky, goose-bumps prickled Henry’s arms as Mr. Engelmann spoke. He’d never given these things any thought before. But he knew he’d never abandon Jenny, no matter how hard things got. He’d do whatever he had to and they’d be happy.

As if reading his mind, Mr. Engelmann said, “Sure, there are many, many relationships where couples really love each other and eventually get married and live together. But they may find that they have cheated themselves out of the joys, pleasures and fresh discoveries of sexual love. And if they marry early because of a child, they may sacrifice their educations and careers, and as the satisfaction of sex wears off, there may be anger, resentment and even blame. If you play with fire, you can get burned, as the saying goes.”

It seemed that Mr. Engelmann had an answer for everything.

“It might sound like I am preaching to you, Henry, but avoid temptation. Keep your mind on the reasons why you choose to do the right thing. Think things through carefully and have a plan, especially for those times when you know you can fall. Be prepared, know the consequences of your actions. Most people succumb to temptation because they are guided by their feelings of the moment, without consideration of the consequences until it is too late.”