Phoenix: The Beauty in Between (A Beautiful Series Companion Novel) (13 page)

Carrying me to
his room, he drops me on the bed, raking his fingers down my body,
sending erotic shivers racing over my skin, as he stands to remove
his pants.

Climbing
between my legs, he sits back on his knees and reaches into his
drawer to get a condom. Once applying it, he grabs my thighs and
pulls my legs either side of him.

My hips jolt as
he uses his tip to slide around my opening and up over my clit to
distribute my juices.

I’m so keyed up
that I feel like I might burst again already. Grabbing my hips, he
pushes his formidable length inside me. I gasp out at the size of
him and grab at his arms - needing something to cling to.

He pumps his
hips back and forth as I call out from the pleasure of it, my
orgasm builds and builds, and I moan, louder and louder.

“Oh Paige!” he
yells, slamming his length into me, over and over again.

The pressure
inside me builds along with his thrusts, until it bursts out,
sending my hips jolting and my mind soaring. “Oh!” I yell, my nails
digging into his arms.

His thrusts
become firmer, as he pushes his length in as far as it can go. With
one last pump, he shudders against me before leaning forward and
kissing me again.

Slowly, our
mouths move together. The urgency of our passion, steadily draining
away as our heart beats and breathing calm. Gently, we run our
fingers over each other’s bodies, touching lightly as we continue
to explore each other’s mouths.

Eventually, our
kisses become smaller, slower - until we stop, and lock eyes as the
gravity of what we’ve just done starts to sink in.

Sliding out of
me, he rolls onto his back and looks up to the ceiling. Suddenly, I
feel very cold, and incredibly guilty.

“We can’t do
this again,” I whisper.

“And we can’t
tell Ed,” he returns. I roll my head to the side on the pillow and
find him also looking at me.

The moment our
eyes re-connect, something passes between us, and we roll into each
other, wrapping our bodies up together as we lock our lips, moving
as one, touching each other, devouring each other.

After another
round of mind blowing sex, we lay together, still wrapped in each
other’s arms and catch our breath.

“Tell me about
who you are Paige. I want to know you,” he whispers, brushing his
fingers through my hair as I rest my head on his chest.

I relay my
entire story to him, from the time I got kicked out, until the
night I met them in the club. I didn’t bother hiding any of it. I
had a feeling he’d see through any lie that I told him. So, I was
honest, and it felt good to say it all, to let it out.

I’ve spent
months pretending to be another person, so it was kind of like
reclaiming Paige, the girl from the mirror, and making her me
again.

“So you’re only
seventeen?” he reiterates.

“I am. Does
that change anything for you?”

“No. I don’t
see age as a problem. I just want you.” He hooks his finger under
my chin and pulls my mouth up to his. Slowly, our mouths move
together, and I’m lost in his arms. I'm lost in his mouth. I’m lost
in him.

For the rest of
the day, we explore each other’s bodies, and I honestly forget all
about where I am and who I’m with. More importantly, I forget who
I’m not with.

We lose track
of time. We get greedy, or we just don’t care. But, when Ed appears
in the doorway and finds us together. I almost die.

“Ed!” I yell
out, my eyes locked with his.

Matthew pauses
mid-pump, a horrified look upon his face as the name registers in
his mind.

“Oh no,” he
groans.

We scramble to
separate and cover ourselves with the bed clothes, but it makes no
difference. It’s too late.

I don’t know
how long Ed’s been standing there for. But, his face is dark and
stormy. He’s been watching us. He saw exactly what we were doing.
Oh god.

The expression
on his face breaks my heart. I’ve just hurt the kindest, most
gentle man I’ve ever known.

Never again can
I let my attraction toward someone cloud my mind and make me
compromise myself.

I guess it
would have been better if Ed had gone crazy and yelled, but he
didn’t. He just picked up my back pack and all the clothing and
shoes that led him to us and dropped them on the floor of Matthew’s
bedroom as we babbled nonsense, trying to explain ourselves.

“Just be gone
by the time I get back,” he said to me.

“Ed. Mate. I’m
sorry. I don’t know what came over us!” Matthew pleaded.

“Fuck you!” he
bellowed. The eruption of his voice reverberated in my ears and
caused me to jump. I stood there, unspeaking, unmoving, as he left
us alone in the aftermath of our lust induced and monumentally
stupid decision.

We didn’t speak
as we got dressed. We didn’t make eye contact. We knew what we were
doing was wrong. But we did it anyway.

As I lifted my
bag onto my shoulder, Matthew finally spoke. “I’m sorry Paige.”

“Aren’t we
all?”

“You know if it
wasn’t for Ed, then you and I…” he started to explain.

“Please… just…
don’t. Don’t talk like this was ever more than it was,” I
interrupted. “It makes no difference now.”

I left Matthew
sitting on the end of his bed with his head in his hands and walked
out.

Now, I’m on the
bus, heading toward yet another budget motel chain to spend more of
my very limited funds on a room for the night, while I curse myself
for fucking up the first normal relationship I’ve ever had.

Ed was a good
guy. He wanted to take care of me, and he didn’t ask for much in
return. To repay him, I just fucked his best mate. I am a horrible,
horrible person.

Relationships
obviously aren’t for me. I failed the one with Jeff, and then
failed miserably with Ed.

Every time I
think about it, I feel so awful about what happened with Ed. In the
weeks that have passed since leaving, I’ve thought about it
constantly. The look on his face, the hurt in his voice. I just…I
can’t do that to anyone again.

As an
alternative - I’ve become a major whore.

No - that’s
actually being disrespectful to whores. Really, I’m worse. I give
it away for free.

I go out to
clubs and go home with guys, then refuse to make plans to see them
again. I hop from club to club, bed to bed, and I don’t care who it
is, as long as I have somewhere to go.

Inhaling
deeply, I snort a line of coke off the top of a toilet roll
dispenser in the bathroom of a nightclub in Darling Harbour. When I
exit the stall, I walk towards the mirror to fix my appearance. As
I look at myself, the effects of the drug start to take hold. But
not before I notice that the girl who used to struggle to pass for
twenty-two is starting to look like perhaps she’s even older.

Her name keeps
changing. I've taken to stealing handbags to get by. I’m good at it
too. The initial remorse I felt is a distant memory now, as I do
whatever I have to do to survive.

Tonight, my
name is Peyton. I like that name. It makes me feel like I’m a
character of some sort. Although, I have to admit I’m having
trouble keeping track of who I am on any given day. That moment
with Matt, when I was finally me, was so fleeting. I haven’t been
me for a long time. Somewhere inside, I guess I’m still there, but
I’m having trouble finding myself.

I push my way
out of the bathroom, and stumble a little as my heel catches the
floor. I’m flying now as I head towards the guy, who is my supplier
and hopeful bedfellow for the night.

“Whoa there!”
he laughs, as he reaches out to catch me from my misstep. We cling
to each other, laughing, as we go to the dance floor and begin to
move to the beat. I slide my arms over his shoulders and swing my
body against his, engaging in the usual, pulsing foreplay that
comes with hooking up at clubs.

It’s all the
same. Every day is the same. Only the drugs are slightly
different.

Depending on
how I feel each night is how I choose my men. I pick them based on
what they’re using, because I want to use as well. It makes this
life I’m now leading more bearable.

Ecstasy users
dance all night in fluid movements and want nothing more than to
feel you pressed up against them, to touch and share their
experience. As long as I’m right there, high with them, then sex is
great that way. It doesn’t even matter what they’re doing to me. It
all feels fantastic.

Speeders dance
in jerky movements and drink heavily while speaking a mile a
minute. I try to avoid them at all costs because they fuck all
night long and have trouble coming. The next morning leaves me with
an overused feeling between my legs, and I end up springing for a
hotel room to recover.

My drug of
choice is coke, so when I find a man on a coke high, I aim straight
for him. They generally have more on them to keep the high going. I
long for the euphoria that coke gives me, it makes life seem worth
living. Even though it really isn’t anymore.

Still riding my
high, I continue to dance with this guy whose name I forgot the
moment he told me. I’m feeling like the sexiest woman in the world
as I sway my hips and shoulders along with him.

Eventually, he
leads me outside. I cling to his hand, trotting along beside him,
in my ridiculously high heels until we make it to a parking
garage.

“Where’s your
car?” I ask, leaning against his chest and tilting my head up to
look into his face. He brings his mouth down to mine, taking hold
of my face on either side as he explores my mouth with his
tongue.

It feels ok.
But it’s all starting to feel the same now. Each kiss takes another
piece of my self-respect with it. Without the drugs, I don’t think
I could keep doing this.

“This one will
do,” he says, taking me by the shoulders and spinning me around, so
I’m pressed up against the back of the nearest car.

With quick
hands, he lifts my dress and pushes me forward, working my panties
to the side as he inserts himself inside me. Pumping and panting as
he drives back and forth. I only hope he’s wearing a condom,
because I didn’t notice him putting one on.

Unfeeling, I
study the paint work of the car I’m lying on top of. It’s red, like
a fire engine. Small lights reflect off it, and I wonder what the
owner would think if they knew what was happening to their car
right now. The only thing I can really care about, is the fact that
it’s now unlikely I’ll get that free bed tonight.

Oh well, at
least he gave me coke.

He grunts as he
finishes and pulls out of me. Standing, I turn around, readjusting
my clothing so I’m decent, and feeling relieved as I watch him
remove a condom and flick it on the concrete ground with a
splat.

It’s then that
I notice the wedding ring. Inwardly, I roll my eyes, annoyed at my
own stupidity - he was never going to take me home.

“Thanks for
that. It was just what I needed,” he says, reaching into his pocket
and pulling out a set of car keys. “I’ll see you around.” He leans
in and kisses me on the cheek, like we’re friends or something, and
wanders off, just leaving me leaning against the car.

“This is
bullshit,” I say to myself, as I trudge back to the club and
collect my things. I curse myself constantly, and I walk the
streets. Now I have to pay for a motel room.

The city is a
big place, and I’ve travelled around, trying not to enter the same
club twice. But I’m running out of places to go. Eventually, I’m
right back where I started. I’m at Planetary, the club where I met
Ed. I just hope to god, he isn’t inside to see me.

It’s been
almost three months since I last saw him. I have done some terrible
things to avoid sleeping on the streets. I have stolen and lied
more times than I’m comfortable admitting, and I’ve slept with more
faceless men than I even care to think of. But I keep going. Such
is my existence.

Tonight, I aim
for a guy who’s really into the music. He’s dancing holding a drink
of water. I can tell he’s on something. I slide in near him and
whisper in his ear. He grins and pulls me toward him, then drives
his tongue halfway down my throat.

“You want what
I have do you?” he asks in my ear.

“I do,” I
reply, giving him my sexiest half-lidded look.

He mouths the
word ‘open’. I do as he says and swallow when he drops a pill in my
mouth. We dance for a while as I wait for the familiar feeling of
dropping an E to take over me.

But it’s not an
E. Now that it’s working. I know it’s not. I think I just dropped
acid. It’s something I never wanted to do.

My eyes grow
wide as the guy I’m dancing with starts to grow and loom above me,
his facial features fall into his face and when he speaks, strange
animalistic sounds come out.

As I look
around, the room looks totally fucked up, nothing is as it was
before. The music sounds all distorted in my ears and dark shadowy
creatures are appearing to me from in between the strobing lights.
They’re roaring and clawing at me, trying to take me somewhere.

I start to push
my way through the crowd. I don’t know which way is out, but I need
to try and find it. I can’t breathe in here. There is anger being
directed toward me and I’m scared. Something is after me. Hands
grab at me and my body starts to shake as I hear screaming.

It’s coming
from me.

The moment I
realise it. Everything goes black.

***

When I come to,
I’m on a couch and a face I’ve seen before is peering down at me.
It’s Braden, the guy I met months ago while he was manning the coat
check during the daytime when I went to stay with Ed and
Matthew.