Phoenix: The Beauty in Between (A Beautiful Series Companion Novel) (20 page)

“I love it.
It’s better than I imagined,” I tell him in a whisper, still
focusing on the images.

“Will you tell
me about her? About your daughter?” Braden asks as he moves to sit
beside me.

I continue to
stare at the pictures as tears drop quietly from my eyes, then I
clear my throat. I’m ready. “She um, didn’t even to get to breathe.
I didn’t know I was pregnant. I was just so caught up in the drugs
and that stupid lifestyle he gave us. I didn’t even notice.”

“Was she
Reggie’s?”

“Who knows? But
she was mine, and I didn’t protect her. I was even worse than my
own mother. I ruined her before she was even born. She didn’t have
a chance.”

“What was her
name?”

“Phoenix. Her
name was Phoenix,” I tell him wiping at my eyes and taking a deep
breath. “That’s the whole meaning of the tattoo. I want to remember
her always. I want to carry her with me.”

“Like your
cross to bear.”

“Exactly. She
was innocent. She was perfect. And I destroyed her.”

FOUR YEARS
LATER

“How does it
feel to be a fully-fledged hairdresser?” Tina asks me, when my
apprenticeship is finally complete. She’s taking me out to dinner
to celebrate.

“It feels
great. I’m actually really proud of myself,” I tell her, leaning
forward to sip on my coke through the red straw. I haven’t gone to
that many restaurants in the past few years, so it’s kind of nice
to be in one.

“You should be
proud Paige. You’re wonderful at our job.”

I smile proudly
and think about how much my life has changed since my stay in
rehab. Without the encouragement and support of my boss, Tina, and
my caseworker, Justine. I don’t know that I would have made it this
far.

I’m proud to
say that I’m what’s called a ‘functioning member of society’. I
have a job. I have a handful of friends, and I have a home. It’s a
rented one, but I got it off my own merits, it’s not a government
subsidised one anymore.

I moved out of
the flat in Lemongrove, and into a new one in Westmead. I needed a
change of scenery, and I needed to move away from Braden. While
spending time with him when he did my tattoo was very therapeutic,
the best I could do was not hate him. I still can’t be his
friend.

A waiter brings
our food to the table and places four dishes between us, each
containing different types of Malaysian cuisine. The scent of
exotic spices fills my nose and makes my mouth water, as I help
myself to some rice, and a beef curry.

“I’ll miss
seeing you every day though,” I say after a while.

“Me too. But
you’re new job is with a much bigger salon that will teach you more
than I ever could. I’ve loved being your teacher so far, but you
have a great talent, and you should go out there and learn how to
make the most of it,” Tina tells me. “Besides, Justine is bringing
me a new trainee next week. I won’t be on my own for long.” She
winks, balancing a large chilli prawn between her chopsticks and
placing it in her mouth.

I watch her
eating for a moment. I really am going to miss her. But I knew this
day would come. Tina’s salon isn’t busy enough to pay two full time
hairdressers, so I needed to start job hunting before I finished my
training. In a way, it’s for the best. Me leaving, means that Tina
can train another girl and give her the same chance in life that I
now have.

Next Monday,
I’m starting work at a busy salon in Parramatta. I’m nervous that I
won’t be good enough to perform well under the pressure of a
constant stream of clients.

Tina assures me
I’ll do great. But, time will tell.

“Who’s next?” I
ask our salon hand, Tiffany, as I finish taking a client’s payment
for her cut and blow dry.

“That guy over
there,” she says, indicating a blond man sitting in the chair to
the furthest end of the salon. “He’s just after a cut.”

“Great.
Thanks.” I grab a black topped stool and slide it down the salon,
so I’ll be able to use it as I neaten up this client’s hair.
Selecting a black salon cape, I shake it out and slide it over his
clothing, introducing myself as I do.

“Hi, I’m Paige.
What can I do for you today?” I ask him, as I secure the clasps
behind his neck. It’s then that I look at his face in the
mirror.

“Paige,” he
smiles. His blue eyes dancing in the light as they meet mine via
our reflections.

“Matthew. I
didn’t…I never…” I stammer, completely stunned at his sudden
reappearance in my life.

“Never thought
you’d see me again?” he finishes for me. “I didn’t either. I can’t
believe it’s really you.”

“Um…” My hand
flutters up and touches my temple as if there’s a pain there, but
I’m just uncomfortable. Seeing Matthew reminds me of so many bad
decisions, and I don’t want to think about one of them.

“How are you?
How have you been?” he asks.

“Um…” I say
again. My words seem to evade me, so I turn to the safety of
business instead of answering. “What kind of hair cut were you
after?”

“Just a trim,”
he tells me, watching me intently in the mirror.

My face feels
like it’s burning. I’m not sure how to handle this right now.
Never, in a million years, did I think I’d ever see him again.

I focus on
cutting his hair, doing my best to avoid any sort of eye contact as
I work as quickly as I can.

“Won’t you talk
to me?” he says after a while.

I glance at him
briefly and shake my head. “Not here Matthew. This is my work.”

“Well, can I
meet you later? Talk over dinner or even drinks?”

“I don’t
know.”

“Please Paige.
I’d really like to spend some time with you. What time do you get
off work?”

“Six.”

“Then I’ll be
waiting outside at six.”

***

I hang back and
offer to clean things that don’t need cleaning. I can see Matthew
waiting for me outside, and I don’t particularly want to go out
there. Really, I wanted to tell him no earlier. But something made
me agree. There’s something about him that clouds my judgement, the
same as it did all those years ago. I’ve made enough stupid
decisions to last me a lifetime. I’m hoping that if I stay inside
long enough, he’ll get bored and leave.

“Paige. Out,”
my boss orders, his hand on the door. “You’ve worked enough for the
day. I’ve got paperwork to do. Go and have some fun or
something.”

“I can help you
with your paper work if you like,” I offer.

“There’s no
need. Get some sleep, and I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Alright,” I
concede, as I reluctantly pick up my bag and head outside.

Matthew walks
over to me immediately, his hands in the pockets of his beaten up
brown leather jacket. “I thought you were trying to stand me up,”
he grins.

“No such luck,”
I deadpan back at him.

“So where to?
You hungry?”

“Coffee will be
fine. We can talk just fine over coffee,” I tell him.

Nodding his
head, he walks beside me until we reach a café and go inside.
“What’ll it be?” he asks as we head to the counter.

“Just get
yours. I’ll order my own.”

“No, I insist.
I’ll pay.”

I open my mouth
to protest, but when I meet his eyes, my mind goes blank. Looking
into his eyes is like watching someone see into my soul. It’s both
captivating and painful at the same time. Words escape me, and I
simply stand there, staring at him with my mouth still open.

He reaches his
hand up and brushes his knuckles against my cheek. “I’m glad
there’s no bruising this time,” he whispers.

My eyes try to
flutter closed as I lean into his hand involuntarily, but I fight
to keep control. I can’t go down this path again.

“Can I help
you?” the server asks from behind the counter.

Matthew keeps
his eyes locked with mine. “Two strong flat whites please,” he
orders.

Getting some
sort of power over my own body, I place my hand on his chest and
push myself away from him. “No. I’m sorry. I don’t want this,” I
babble, as I start to make my way out of the coffee shop. I shake
my head quickly, it’s as if I’ve just broken the effects of some
sort of a spell.

Walking
hurriedly, I head for the train station so I can make my way
home.

“Paige!”
Matthew calls, running after me.

“Just go away
Matthew. I’m not doing this again,” I tell him, as I continue to
walk.

“Doing what?
We’re just having coffee.”

He falls in
step beside me and works his way in front, so I’m forced to stop
walking.

“Please move,”
I say, trying to walk around him. Every time I step to the side,
he’s right there with me. “What do you want from me?!” I cry out
eventually.

“Isn’t it
obvious Paige? I want you.”

“Really? Just
like you wanted me all those years ago?”

“Yes. More than
that. I haven’t stopped thinking about you.”

“You haven’t
stopped thinking about me?! Seriously?”

“Of course.
Don’t you understand how much I cared about you?”

“If you cared
about me, why did you let me leave? You knew I had nowhere to
go.”

“I… Paige. I’ve
regretted that moment every day since it happened.”

“So have I
Matthew. I regret sleeping with you. I regret giving into whatever
it was we had. Because that moment ruined my life!”

“What do you
mean?”

“You have no
idea what I went through. If you had cared about me, you never
would have pursued me. You never would have slept with your best
friend’s girl. I had a chance with Ed, and you pursued me! I had
nothing! You knew that - the moment I left that house, my life went
to shit. I have been to hell and back again because you wouldn’t
leave me the fuck alone!”

Anger seethes
inside of me as I suddenly see him as the root of all the wrong
that’s been done to me. I see that moment with him as the turning
point in my life.

“Hey, I lost Ed
too that day.”

“Did you? You
lost your best friend? Oh poor Matthew! Poor, poor Matthew! Did you
lose your home? Did you lose the only person who cared enough to
look after you?”

He shakes his
head. “
I
cared. I
still
care. I made a mistake. Ok. I
should have told you to stay. I should have taken care of you. It
was my house. Ed’s the one that left. He went back home to his
parent’s house, and I haven’t seen him since.”

I can’t help
myself, I raise both of my hands up and push hard against his
chest. This power comes from inside me that I didn’t know was
there, and it sends him stumbling backwards.

“You ruined my
life!” I scream. I don’t care that we’re on the street. I don’t
care that people can hear me. I don’t even care that I’m being
irrational. But hearing him say how he regrets letting me walk out,
breaks me.

It’s like he’s
holding up a picture of a life I could have had. But he just forgot
to give it to me.

He rushes me,
wrapping his arms around me as I fight him with everything I have
and pushes me up against the closest wall. “I’m sorry,” he
breathes, taking my face in his hands. “I’m sorry.” He presses his
lips against mine briefly, before wiping away my tears and planting
gentle kisses on my eyes, on my forehead, in my hair. He continues
trying to calm me, but, I break down. Crying in the street like a
woman possessed. I just can’t hold it in anymore.

My knees
buckle, and I lean against him, crying into his shoulder as he
holds me. He speaks to me softly. But I don’t hear a word. I’m just
so lost in my own pain right now.

Eventually, I
do calm down. We’re now sitting on the footpath, with people
walking past us on their way either to, or from, the station.

“What happened
to you Paige?” he asks, his voice filled with concern.

I push up from
the ground and dust myself off. “No one saved me. That’s what
happened.”

Standing beside
me, he tries to look into my eyes. Although, I look everywhere but
at him. “Let me make it all up to you. I never thought I’d see you
again. I feel like fate has intervened somehow and is giving us a
second chance. We can make this right –
I
can make this
right.”

“I don’t
believe in fate Matthew. We’re not meant to be together. I’m sorry
for breaking down on you. I really shouldn’t have done that. I
think I just took years of shit out of you, and that was wrong of
me.” I step away from him, needing to end this. “I’m going to go
now. I don’t want to see you again, so don’t follow me. And please
don’t stop me. What we had. It’s gone now. On my side – it’s gone.
Just… leave me alone. If you care about me even a little – leave.
me. alone.”

“Paige. Don’t
do this. I just found you again,” he pleads, as I take another step
away.

“You didn’t
find me. The girl you knew is so lost, she’ll never be found. You
and I – we can’t happen. It’s impossible now.”

I turn and head
toward the station, leaving the only man I’ve truly had real
feelings for behind. As I ride the train home, I’m filled with
nothing but regret. But that’s been my life so far – one giant ball
filled with thousands of regrets.

That day with
Matthew is probably the one piece of light amongst it all, but I
still regret it. I regret everything.

Today, I turn
25. In my mind, that number is huge. I used to think that I
wouldn’t make it through the night. So to be alive and turning a
quarter of a century is an accomplishment in itself.

After seeing
Matthew again, I decided to find another job. I wanted a life
without any reminders of who I used to be. I wanted to put my old
life behind me.

But that isn’t
possible, when you’ve been around as much as I have, there’s always
someone who’ll remember you. Every job I get, eventually someone
comes in who remembers me. I deny it every time. I act like they’re
wrong, and I have no idea what they’re talking about – but we both
know I’m lying.