Pierced Love (13 page)

I tap the touch lamp next to my chair and start to think about what I want to share today.

Sometimes when I express my darkest thoughts through this journal, I feel better. It’s my only way to tell someone how I truly feel and get out the pain that hurts me every day.

I pull out my black pen from the spine of the diary and turn to the next blank page.

Sunday

I’m scared. I’m tired of hiding. I hate that these attacks have now consumed me and my life. There’s nowhere to turn where the darkness doesn’t suck me back in. Even in the light, the pain is starting to consume me. I have no one to turn to if I want to keep this a secret.

Tomorrow will lead me back into the hell zone and I know that if these attacks are springing up more frequently then they’ll start to occur more often outside of my home too. It scares me that this is happening to me. I didn’t ask for this to happen. I was an average teenager with friends that loved me for me. I had fun and a group of people that would support me no matter what. That one day ruined my life and there is nothing I can do to take it back now. I want the pain and hurt to go away. I need this to stop before I am completely consumed by the darkness…but how?

Letting out a heavy sigh, I look up from my journal.

The peace and quiet of my room is soothing. The darkness of the room helps me to feel safe. If I could stay here forever, I think I’d be okay. I know it’s not something that’s realistic, but I still feel safer where it’s the darkest.

I close up my diary and place the black pen back in the spine. Walking over, I clutch the worn book to my chest and feel grateful that I’m able to share my thoughts somewhere, even if it is only through a pen and a piece of paper.

I open the compartment under my window, pull out the wooden box and place the journal under the piles of pictures I’ve saved from years ago.

I dare not look at them.

It brings back too many painful memories of that day.

Glancing over at my alarm clock I can see that it’s already going on nine o’clock.

Geez, I was really lost in thought again.

My stomach starts to growl and I know I need to get downstairs and grab something to eat. As bad as my nerves were last night, I really didn’t eat that much while Loudon was here.

I walk out of my room and into the hallway. I take in the surroundings of the hall and the stairs that caused such a struggle for me last night.

Holding onto the banister I slowly walk down each step remembering how hard it was to walk up them only a few hours ago.

I can hear my parents and sister talking in the kitchen the closer I get to the last step. I walk from the steps and through the rooms downstairs until I see my family.

“Morning ,Zar,” Dad says, lifting his mug of hot coffee.

I smile in his direction and nod my head.

“Hey honey,” mom says with a smile, “did you sleep well?”

“Actually I did sleep well, until the cats and dogs started coming down against my bedroom window.”

I glance out the sliding glass doors and can see the rain is still coming down pretty hard. The wind is picking up and the birch trees in the yard are blowing around like crazy.

I slide into the stool at the breakfast bar just as dad is setting down a steaming mug of coffee.

“Thanks dad,” I say, looking up at him.

“Do you want something to eat? We were just getting ready to make pancakes for breakfast.”

“Yeah, that sounds good. I’m starving.”

“Good, Roberta can you grab the stuff in the fridge and I’ll get stuff going over here?” dad asks.

“I’m on it, Troy,” she replies with a wink in his direction.

I watch as my parents work together to prepare and cook our breakfast. The way the move together is so casual yet when they touch the love they feel pours from their souls.

I’ve seen the same type of interaction between Zeke and Allie, maybe not quite as intimate, but still, you can tell how much they love one another.
      

Within a few minutes a pile of pancakes are placed in front of me and I can hardly wait to dig in and devour them. I don’t know when I’ve ever been this famished.

I grab the syrup from Zoe and pour the warm maple goodness onto my short stack.

Mom hands both Zoe and I a glass of orange juice and we begin to eat in silence.

The four of us finish up our food and Zoe helps me to clear the plates and load the dishwasher.

I glance around the kitchen to make sure we got everything and I see mom watching me out of the corner of my eye.

“Everything okay? I ask looking at her.

“Hmm, yes of course. We…your dad and I wanted to chat with you about next Friday.”

I walk over to the other side of the breakfast bar and take a seat next to her.

“Why, what’s next Friday? Did I miss something?” I ask looking between my mom and dad.

Shit, am I forgetting something? With everything else that’s been pooling around in my mind, who knows what I’ve forgotten over the past few weeks.

“It’s homecoming,” she says, looking me dead in the eye.

Oh no…she’s not thinking about making me go to some stupid dance. Is she?

“Yeah, so,” I reply, getting up from the stool.

I can’t sit right now. I feel like I should be pacing the room right now.

“Well ordinarily we wouldn’t make a big deal about it, but it’s your brother’s five year class reunion this year and since the game is between Parkland and Palmer the school is going all out this year.”

“Okay, so what did you need to talk to me about?” I ask.

I know exactly what they want me to do. I don’t want to go to homecoming or the game for that matter.

“Zar, look that night five years ago was hard on us all. We need to make a point this year to celebrate it for your brother. It was his night to shine as a senior on that field and we missed it.”

Mom gets up from her stool at the bar and walks over to me by the sliding glass doors. She puts her arm around me and pulls me into her side.

“We all miss her sweetie. Everyday gets easier and I promise you that she’s still watching over you. She’s proud of you just as much as we are, Zar.”

I touch the delicate bracelet that sits on my left wrist. Nana gave this to me for my birthday five years ago and I’ve never taken it off. It means more to me that anyone will ever know and by wearing it, I know that she’s always with me.

I look up at my mom as the tears fall from my cheeks. She, too, is full of emotion and she’s right, I do miss her terribly.

Friday

Am I strong enough to do this? When will the hurting and pain stop? Can I ever make it all go away? So much has been on my mind the past week. I hate the way things ended last weekend with Loudon. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. I wonder if he’s been thinking about me, too. I so badly want to pick up the phone and call him, to tell him I’m sorry. I want to tell him everything that is wrong and ask him to help me fix…well, fix me. I feel good when I am with him. But is it enough to share my deepest and darkest secrets with him? He wanted me to give us a chance and I turned my back on him…on us, again. I don’t know when or if I’ll see him again, but when I do, I know the feelings he gives me are going to still be there. I like him and wish I could be the girl he deserves.

I’ve just written Friday’s private message in my diary and now I’m pacing my room. There’s so much running through my mind right now and I don’t know what to make of any of it.

I clench my hands and grip them tightly together. They’re already sweating and my heart is started to pound at a quicker pace.

In less than a half hour mom, dad, Zoe and I’ll be leaving to go to the Parkland homecoming football game vs. our arch rivals, Palmer High.

This is also the game that celebrates the five year anniversary of my brother breaking every record for a high school quarterback in the state of Iowa.

It was also the day that my life changed forever.

The thing about today is that my family doesn’t understand, let alone know what really happened to me that night.

I sit down in my comfy chair and think back to that night five years ago.

“Come on, Zar!” I hear my mom shout. “You’re gonna make us late for the game.”

I look down at my brand new bracelet that Nana gave me for my birthday. I love it and it means so much to me that she gave it to me for my birthday.

I reach down and straight my cheerleading outfit and glance over to the floor where my pom-poms and megaphone sit.

Ugh! I just want to spend tonight with Nana. She hasn’t been doing too well the past few days and I hate to leave her here in the house by herself.

I look down at her in the bed as I stand and get ready to leave.

She looks so frail.

So weak and tired, yet she fights everyday to put a smile on all of our faces.

She’s the strongest woman I know.

Everyone tells me I’m exactly like her and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

My Pap passed away last spring and Nana has been living with us for the past year. Every day, she makes a point to teach me something new or tell me a story of her life.

She is an extraordinary person and I love spending time with her.

I know her time with us is limited, but leaving her tonight just doesn’t seem right.

I grab her hand in mine and pull it to my chest.

“I love you Nana. I know you can’t be at the game with us tonight, but we still need you to cheer on Zeke tonight. It’s his big night. If he plays a good game he’ll go down in history as the best high school quarterback in the state of Iowa.”

Her eyes open and a smile spreads across her face.

Shoot, I woke her up.

“Oh Nana, I’m so sorry for waking you,” I say, releasing her hand.

“It’s okay my sweet girl,” she replies.

I watch as she takes a tissue from her sleeve and dabs her eyes.
      

She’s crying. Have I upset her?

“Nana, what’s wrong?” I ask, sitting back down in the chair next to her bed.

“Nothing is wrong my sweet Zar. I just love you so very much,” she says, as tears fall from her face.

“I love you, too, Nana,” I reply.

I suddenly feel consumed with emotion.

Something is not right and I’m not sure why I have this aching in the pit of my stomach.

“You need to go now sweet girl. Have fun and cheer on your brother for me. Tonight will be a night you’ll never forget. Just remember I’ll always love you and I’ll always be your biggest cheerleader.”