Pierced Love (23 page)

I blink a few times and turn back to face my parents. I need to try and regain my focus so that I can wrap this up. I feel like the hardest part is over; it’s just letting them know now how I’ve made it through hell for the past few years.

“When I went back to school the next week, life only got that much harder. The comfort I had found in my new clothes only made things worse. Even though I felt they helped to ease the pain of my loss, everywhere I went people stared at me. Walking through the halls I would hear people whisper and make hurtful comments about ‘the girl who transformed into the freak’.”

The memory of that first day back to school sends chills through me and goose bumps spread up my arms.

“For awhile, I pushed the thoughts out of my mind, but soon enough it started to consume my life. I couldn’t escape it anymore.”  

I look over toward the window. I want to see the sun, the bright light it brings into our lives, but right now the clouds are taking over and a rain storm is coming.

This is a perfect symbol of my life and I think I finally get it now. Before the sun can shine and flowers can bloom a storm has to come through so that we can appreciate all the beauty that we have.

It’s all going to be okay…I think I really do get it now.

I turn back to my mom, dad and Loudon, it’s time to move on and start anew. With them in my life, I can do this. I’ll never hide anything from them again. I can’t be who I am without the people that mean the most to me.

“The pain has never gone away, not even after all these years. I tried to keep myself hidden, but the more I kept my distance, the more they came after me. Their words hurt, their forceful gestures were cruel, but the worst part of it all was trying to hide it all from you. When I’d be out with mom, dad, Zoe or Zeke I’d be so worried that someone would say something to give away my secret. This is something that I never wanted you guys to know about. I thought that if you knew how weak I was that you’d be crushed and see me like they do. I couldn’t take knowing that you too thought I was a freak.”

I shake my head at the thought of that word.

The number of times it’s been used to hurt me and to think that the people I cared about the most viewed me like that, too would be more than I could take. I place my head back on the stack of pillows lying on the top of my hospital bed. I close my eyes for a brief moment and take in this feeling, I did it. I’ve told them a brief snippet of my life and how the darkness has controlled me for the past five years.

My dad clears his throat and I see that tears are streaming from his red, puffy eyes as he walks over to the other side of my bed.

“Zar, I don’t know where to begin to tell you how sorry I am that you’ve gone through all of this alone. I can’t imagine the grief you’ve had to endure all by yourself. Just know that you’ll never be alone in this again. You have a family that loves you very much. We all have our weaknesses but, together, we can turn them into a strength. You are a tough cookie, kiddo, and I love you so much.”

He pulls me into his arms and gives me the best hug ever.

“Thank you dad, I’m so sorry for keeping all of this from you and mom.”

“Zar, as much as I wish we would have known, I can also understand that you wanted to shield yourself. But, and this is a big but, if you ever have something that bothers you, please know that I…no we are all here for you. Right now, I don’t know what is going to happen next with school or what the doctor has planned for your health care; however I do know that we are a family and we are in this together.”

I pull away from my dad and move into my mom’s arms. A huge sense of relief fills me. I never thought I’d be able to share all of this with anyone. I’m so lucky to have both my parents and Loudon here by my side.

I know that life won’t go back to normal in the snap of a finger, but knowing that now they have a better understanding of what I’ve gone through makes me feel…better.

After catching up on a weeks worth of missed homework and lecture notes, I decide to get ready for the day.

I make my way into my closet, not quite sure what to wear.

Looking through the racks and shelves of clothing, it dawns on me that I am in a serious need of a new wardrobe. Both walls are filled with clothes in one primary color...black. Have I really been hiding in such darkness that I had been so blind to the world around me? Seriously, how could I have done such a thing? I was hurting so badly that I never took into consideration that I was drowing myself.

Well, not anymore.

As scared as I am about change, it really is time to make some serious decisions.

It’s the only way I can move forward and be happy.

I let out a huge sigh and pull my hair back into a messy bun.

Rumaging through my jeans I find a pair that aren’t black. They are still a darker shade, but they’ll do. I reach up on the shelf and find a green sweater. I grin as I pull it down thinking of how this would look next to Loudon’s eyes…it’s perfect.

Pulling on my jeans and sweater, I’m nervous, hopeful and anxious for what’s to come.

Leaving the hospital on Tuesday night, I was surrounded by my family for support.

Telling mom, dad and Loudon about what’s been happening for the past few years hurt. I never thought I’d be strong enough to actually share my burden with anyone else.

How did I get so lucky to have such amazing people in my life that really do care about me?

Walking across my room, my eyes catch a ray of light that’s streaming between my dark curtains.

I move closer to the window and pull the heavy material to the side.

Today is a fresh start for me emotionally and I want to let in as much light as I can.

Letting the warm sun hit my face for a few more minutes, I think back to that first day I saw Loudon.

I remember sitting at the pizzeria by the front window. There were a lot of guys that walked into the restaurant, but from the first moment I caught his eyes, I couldn’t help but want to watch him. It’s crazy how far we’ve come in a little over a month. He’s an amazing guy and an even better friend. I don’t know what I’d do if he wasn’t here to help me through all of this.

Since I told him what happened, he has done everything possible to prove to me that he is here for me that he’s going nowhere, and I’m forever grateful. I haven't had a friend like him in such a long time and I just don't know what to make of it. My parents are acting so similar, it’s strange, who would have known?

Glancing at the alarm clock, I see that I still have some time before I need to head downstairs for breakfast.

I reach under my window, unlatch the cabinet door and dig out the box that holds my diary. For the first time, ever, I want to write in it about things to look forward to…not those that I wish would vanish.

Friday

I’ve slept so much better the past three nights. I’m not sure if it’s the weight lifted from my shoulders or the fact that I haven’t had to go to the hell zone the past few days. My family has been crazy supportive since we got home, but not to the point that they are suffocating me. I really do feel like things are going to get better. I have a long journey ahead of me, but I know now, more than ever, that there is a light shining through my darkness. He is standing there helping to guide me in the right direction and even though the feeling he gives me isn’t love, I can tell he has pierced my heart with his.

I slide the black pen into the spine of my diary and close the pages to my soul.

Leaning my head back, I rest my body in my super comfy chair and glance around my bedroom.

As my eyes cross over the room, the smile on my face falls and instantly I feel dark, sad and alone.

There is such pain felt within this space. So many years of hiding behind a dark cloud of hurt that could have been avoided. If only I would have trusted myself to be open with those around me.

There really isn’t a bright splash of color in this room.

The walls are painted dark green, the curtains on my windows are a deep plum color and the bedding that is scattered over my queen sized bed is black.

Everything in this room symbolizes who I am, or at least who I was.

I don’t know if I really want to be surrounded by this darkness anymore.

No I don’t.

I want to let the light in.

I want to feel safe in the light.

I want to be a part of the world I’ve closed myself off from for far too long.

With my family, and Loudon, by my side I know I can.

I’m overwhelmed by the feelings of encouragement they’ve shared with me the past few days. I know with the struggles I’ve been through, there are a lot of people who love and care about me. I don’t need to be alone anymore with my pain. I have people surrounding me that want to help me get through this.

After I shared the details with my parents and Loudon I knew they would eventually have questions to ask me. I was ready for them, but instead they said they wanted to give me time and I’m sure they wanted to digest the news I shared with them.

It’s not every day that your daughter or new girlfriend tells you that she’s been bullied the past five years and suffers severe panic attacks.

I laugh to myself at just the thought of it.

How crazy it must be to even imagine that any of this is real to a person that had no clue it was going on. I guess even though some signs were there, it was hard for those closest to me to see it when they weren’t actually there for any of the attacks.

Mom and dad stressed the point over and over again that none of this was my fault. It will just take time for that to sink in I guess. I have a long road of self development and forgiveness to work through.

Today is the first day on my journey of the healing process…so they say.

I’m actually a little nervous.

Dr. Roberts suggested I see a psychologist that specializes in treatment for teens that have been bullied and suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome and panic attacks.

For as long as I’ve sheltered myself from talking to others about my feeling, my hurt and my pain, it will be interesting to see how this appointment goes or if I’ll have a meltdown in the office.

I can only hope for the best and maintain a positive attitude.

If nothing else I promised myself that from the moment I left the hospital I was going to live my life for me and no one else. There will be a lot of change coming my way, I’ll deal with it in baby steps, but it’s time to bring back Zar Evans.

I want to be the girl that enjoys life, again.

I want to be that person, who, when she smiles, she lights up the room.

I want to be the life of the party again and not the reason a room goes silent when I enter.

Letting out a heavy sigh I get up from my chair and place my diary in its home under my window, in its box. I go to stand, but something stops me. The pictures that I’ve pushed away for all these years.

I see a smile.

It’s my smile.

I miss it and I want to do whatever I can to bring it back.

A huge sense of hope fills my spirit as I push the box into the compartment beneath my window.

I walk across the room, grabbing my coat and messenger bag. It’s just about time to go to the new doctor’s office and I know that mom will be calling for me any moment. As much as I’d rather do this on my own, I understand that both my parents want to come along for support.

Not that I really think it’s a bad idea that they join me for my sessions, it’s just that I’ve been doing all of this on my own for so long that I really don’t know what to expect.

Walking down the stairs I hear my cell phone chime. I pull it out of my bag and see it’s from Loudon.

Of course an immediate smile appears on my face as I read his message.

Wish I could be there with you today. Call me when you get home if you feel up to talking. C-ya tomorrow xoxo L.C.

Don’t worry about me, I’ll call you later xoxo Zar

You better call me. Don’t make me call Roberta and Troy L.C.

I walk into the kitchen as I read his last text and a giggle escapes me.