Pierced Love (20 page)

The episode that happened at the house this morning was the worst I’ve had in five years. I haven’t felt like that since the night it all happened. And then I had some kind of seizure on top of it all?

I let out a huge puff of air.

I can’t believe this is all happening.

Just when things were starting to turn around for me and I’d found Loudon, something like this has to happen and bring me back down.

Oh shit, Loudon.

I can only hope that he hasn’t heard about this.

God, what the hell will he think of me if he know what kind of a mess I am?

I lie back down on the bed and close my eyes.

I never asked for this.

Did I do something so wrong for me to deserve to be punished?

All I ever wanted was to be loved by my family, get good grades and get into Iowa State.

I never…ever asked to turn into a freak that has chronic panic attacks.

Finally, I feel as if I can close my eyes and fall asleep. I pull one of my white blankets up to my chest and roll onto my left side. Rather than drifting off, I’m thinking about everything that has gone wrong today, I picture a tall dark haired, bright green eyed guy. If nothing else I can fall asleep to happy thoughts of Loudon.

I take in a deep breath and stretch my legs. Rolling over onto my back I bring my arms up over my head and let out a loud groan.

Ahh, that felt good.

I hear a laugh and my eyes shoot wide open.

Still being a little groggy from my nap, I blink a few times to focus my vision.

When I see him I’m not too sure I’m not still dreaming.

I close my eyes and open them up again.

“Hey, sleepy head,” he says.

Totally out of sorts, I shake my head.

“Am I dreaming or is this real?” I think….oh shit did I just say that out loud?

He laughs louder this time and comes to stand next to me.

“You’ve been out awhile and visiting hours are almost over. I was worried I wouldn’t get to see you awake tonight.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I had company waiting on me,” I reply with a grimace.

“Nah, no worries. I heard you had a rough day. You needed your sleep, doll.”

“Thanks,” I reply and fake a smile, feeling a bit nervous.

I can’t believe he is here.

Should I be upset that he’s here, because I know that means he knows why I’m in this bed.

Oh god, what if he hates me, but if he hated me, why would he be here.

I hate this!

I hate that I have to second guess everything that happens to me and the motives of those that surround me.

“What are you whipping up in that pretty head of yours, Zar? Your brows are so scrunched it looks painful.”

“Ugh!” I shout and pull the white cover over my face. “I’m sorry you had to come here to check on stupid me.”

“Come on Zar, don’t hide from me. If I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be. Don’t push me away again. I thought we were in this together, you told me you would try. Don’t give up on me.”

I can feel his hand above the cover as he pulls it down so that he can see me.

He has a good point. I doubt anyone forced him to be here and the way it looks to me, he’s here alone.

“I’m sorry for doubting you, Loudon. There’s so much about me that you don’t know. This is just a big part of a million piece jumbo puzzle that is my messed up life. I wouldn’t blame you if you ran from me right now. I don’t want to pull you down with me. It’s a dark pit and sometimes I don’t know how, or if, I’ll ever get out.”

“I’ll be really honest…no I’m gonna be blunt. Yeah, you’re not the typical girl I’d go out with, hell probably not ever even try and talk with, but Zar, you are so different to me. Before I ever met you, when Allie would rave about you to our parents, I just knew that when I did finally meet you, things would be different,” he stops for a second.

Lifting the blankets, he scoots in next to me on the bed. He kicks off his sneakers and lifts my head to cradle it onto his chest. He sweeps his arm around me and pulls me up next to him.

“Ok, that’s better. You comfy?” He asks, taking my hand in his.

I nod my head and lean in closer to him.

“Anyway, as I was saying, so I had this idea of a girl named Zar that was pretty cool as shit. Then I met you at my house and who would have guessed that you were the girl from the pizzeria. I couldn’t get you out of mind since that day. You are stuck with me, Zar and I’ll do whatever I can to keep you there. I like you; in fact I like you a lot. I want to know more about you other than all the stuff Allie has told me. So we may not have the best ways of getting together, but I do know that when I’m with you I want to protect you from whatever it is that hurts you Zar.”

I can’t believe the words that are coming out of his mouth. As safe and secure as he makes me feel when I’m with him, he wants to protect me that much more. Can he be for real?

Tears begin to flood my vision and I can barely see our intertwined hands.

A sob escapes my throat and I try so hard to keep myself from crying.

“Shhh, don’t cry, Zar. I didn’t say that to make you cry. Come on, shhh.”

He pulls me into an embrace and tries to soothe me by rubbing my back.

“Loudon, you have no idea how you make me feel. I don’t know how or why you are here, but I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you.”

“Zar, I’m here now and I don’t plan on going anywhere; even if you try and get rid of me. Like I said before, you are stuck with me. We are a pair and no matter what, we will get through this together, just follow my lead.”

I nod my head into his chest.

“Just relax and try and fall back to sleep. I’ll stay as long as I can, or until they kick me out.”

“Thank you, Loudon. Your friendship means more to me than you will ever know,” I say with more sincerity than I’ve ever tried to muster.

“You never have to thank me, Zar; I’m here because I want to be here…with you. And for the record, we’re not friends. Just so we’re clear, you are my girl Zar; don’t ever forget that.”

He kisses the top of my head and I close my eyes, allowing my body to fall into a deep sleep.

I try and do as he says, but all I can do is think about one thing….change.

Sometimes the pain is too much, it’s overwhelming; yet I don’t know how to change or make the pain go away.

Change isn’t something I’ve ever wanted until now.

I figured it wouldn’t make me happier. And failing would make me much worse.

Things wouldn’t be different with the kids at school, my parents or my brother and sister. So what’s the point of changing?

There is no point. So why am I so confused on whether or not I should change who I am because of one person?

Even if that person makes me want to be a better daughter, sister, student, and maybe even human being, it doesn’t mean that I should…right?

He’s had me thinking weird things from the start. Things that made me wonder if life could be different if I changed. If I did, would I be worthy of the same things the rest of the world did?

He did this to me.

Not necessarily the first moment we met, but in just the short amount of time I’ve known him, he did this to me.

He pierced my soul with something stronger than the studs I have on my body. Stronger than the pain of my tattoo; which my parents still don’t know that I have.

I’m somewhat unsettled, confused, and unsure, but he seems to make all the other pain go away
.

I thought if maybe I just didn’t see him again things would go back to normal. I mean, it isn’t like we go to the same school or anything.

But, man was I wrong.

Now, thanks to Zeke and Allie, I see him all the time, but I didn’t think he’d see me the way in which I see him.

Loudon makes me feel so much better, I just hope I can do as he says, trust him and follow him through this darkness until all I can see is the light.

“Zar, Zar, doll, wake up.”

I hear Loudon’s voice, but all I see is the darkness. I feel myself slipping further and further into the memories of the past. I see them; my peers. They are pointing at me, and they are laughing at me. I’ve fallen. I see mom running down the bleachers and dad trailing behind her. I felt it, but it’s too late. Now they are laughing and I can’t breathe.

“Zar, come on, wake up. You’re having a bad dream.”

My eyes fly open and I see Loudon sitting up next to me. Oh, thank god, it was just a dream…my worst kind of dream.

“Are you okay? You were screaming and I tried to wake you, but I didn’t want to scare you.” Loudon asks, his voice in a panic.

I nod my head and pull myself into his chest.

“I’m so sorry,” I cry into him.

“Zar, you have nothing to be sorry for, you didn’t do anything wrong. It was just a dream, but I’m here. It will all be okay,” he says in the calmest tone, trying to relax me.

“No Loudon, you don’t understand. It pulls me in and I can’t get out. I’ll never find my way out because of them. They created this darkness and I can’t get out of it.”

“I need you to need me Zar,” he says.

“Loudon,” I cry, “take away my pain.”

“Zar, talk to me. Let me be the one to pull you from this darkness.”

The sun is shining in through the window and a sense of warmth fills my spirits.

I slowly pry my eyes open and the glare of the sun on the tile floor hits me directly in the face.

If only I felt safe in the light, in the warmth of the sun.

After everything that has happened in the past twenty-four hours, I feel like shit and I can guarantee I look even worse.

The curtain in my room is pulled all the way to the side and there are chairs with pillows and blankets scattered around my bed. It looks as though there may have been a sleepover going on in here while I was asleep.

I roll onto my back and cover my eyes until I can wake up a bit more. I think back to the last memory I had before passing out last night.

“Loudon,” I say out loud.

I open my eyes again and look around the room.

Where is he?

Did the nurses really kick him out or did he leave of his own free will?

In only the short amount of time we’ve really known each other; so much has happened.

He has now tried to take down a bully, seen me at my worst and still he wants to be a part of my life.

I will be forever grateful to him.

The door swings open and I watch as they all walk into the room; in comes the entourage.

“Oh look, sleeping beauty is awake,” I hear Zeke say.

Mom smacks him in the stomach and he pulls her into a head lock.

I roll my eyes at him and mouth, “nice”.

“Hey girl, glad to see that you’re up. How are you feeling?” Allie asks.

Zoe jumps in front of her and comes in close to me to say she is so sorry for what she said yesterday morning. She gives me a big hug and pulls away before anyone comments on our moment of sisterly bonding.

“Come on guys, leave her be, she looks like she just woke up. Let me fix her up a bit before anyone gets to close,” Zoe chimes in and pulls out a brush from her giant purse.

I look around the room and see that my entire family is here.

“Umm, good morning to you guys, too. Actually yes, I did just wake up and saw that you must have been having a party while I was sleeping.”

Allie laughs and Zeke pulls her close to his side.

Mom walks over to me and places her hand on my forehead.

“How does your head feel this morning? Do you still have a headache?” She asks.

“It still hurts, but not nearly as bad as yesterday. How long was I sleeping or should I ask how long were you guys camping out?”

Allie comes up and sits next to me on the bed.

“Well, Loudon hogged you for most of the night, but mom and dad made him go home and get ready for school today,” she says with a smile.

“Oh,” I reply with a pout.

“Don’t worry; lover boy will be back after practice today,” she says, smacking my leg and laughing out loud.

Zeke comes up behind her and picks her up off the bed.

“Would you leave her and Loudon alone? Just because you now think you’re a matchmaker doesn’t give you the right to intervene. Got it?” He asks, pointing a finger in her face.