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Worry sat heavy in Miguel’s eyes and he reached for my hand. “If you weren’t feeling good you should have told Richard and asked for more time off.”

“I don’t want more time off.” I snatched my hand away. “No matter when I came back this was always going to be hard. I just… I didn’t expect it to be
this
hard.”

The memory of my weird attack outside sent a ripple of panic down my spine. That was new. And terrifying. Even though I’d calmed down since I got inside, the after effects lingered in my heavy legs and rapid pulse.

“I’m sorry,” Miguel said. “I know this was never going to be easy.”

His chocolate brown eyes lowered and my heart sank.
Still hard to be around him
. Seeing Miguel was still an added reminder on top of everything else of what I’d lost. What I missed.

But none of this was his fault.

“I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just frustrated with myself. I thought if I was going to, I don’t know, flip out or whatever, it would happen later. When training had actually started, and I’d look around for Will like always and…” The words stuck in my throat. “It’s been two minutes and I can’t stand being here without him. How am I supposed to get over that?”

“You’re being too hard on yourself. Maybe you should have come here before, just to get used to it before coming back to work. I remember how it felt the first time I came here after…
after
. It still feels weird now, like something’s missing. But - and I hate saying this - it gets easier to be here. I still miss Will but it gets easier.”

I squeezed my eyes closed against the ache pounding behind my eyes. I knew he was right. Being without Will hadn’t gotten easier yet, but I had gotten used to him not being at the apartment. Well, kind of. I’d stopped listening for his key in the lock, and stopped buying his favourite cereals and making coffee for him in the morning the way I always used to. That was a start, right?

The door opened and Richard entered his office, worry lines etched into his face as his eyes fell on me. “Miguel, could you excuse us?”

Miguel got to his feet, giving my hand a quick squeeze before he left. Once he was gone, Richard closed his office door. “How much more time do you need?”

He spoke kindly, with the same understanding he’d shown me for months, but that only made me feel worse. He’d already been so patient with me and if I took more time off, he’d have to hire another temp coach to take my place.

“I’m okay,” I told him, forcing a smile even though my hands were still shaking.

“Yeah, nice try.” Richard took a few steps towards me. “What happened, Freya?”

With a sigh, I shook my head. “I don’t know. I was shaky before I got here, and then, while we were walking to the locker room, I just… I thought about the last time I was here. The reason I was here. Everything came crashing down on me and I couldn’t breathe.”

I rubbed my eyes, annoyed and surprised to find tears there. Tears of frustration, tiredness, and suppressed grief. That was the thing. I’d cried so much in the beginning that I’d emptied myself of emotion. I didn’t think I could squeeze out another tear, and on the rare times I felt them coming on, I pushed them down, forced myself to stop because… how long could I go on crying for? I was always scared if I started again I might not stop.

“I’m sorry,” I said as my chest tightened again, my breath growing shallow. “I’ll be okay. I just need a minute.”

“You need to go home.” Richard crouched down in front of me, holding my hand the way Miguel had a few moments before. “You don’t need to be sorry. This will take however long it takes. I want you back, but I want you to be okay with being here, and right now, you’re not.”

“But how long before-”

“Freya, calm down. Breathe. Until you’re ready. You’re not someone who’s going to take advantage of the time off, I know that. You need more time, you got it. I can’t have you here like this though.”

He didn’t need to say any more. He needed staff who were focused. We had games to win, a soccer league to top. He couldn’t have me bringing everyone down, reminding them of what we’d lost. I wasn’t mad at him for thinking it; he was right. I probably
didn’t
have the right mind frame to be at work, but I didn’t want to let him down.

I took in a long breath and let it out slowly, trying to regain my composure. “Can I just have a few more days? Start over on Monday? Maybe if I come here tomorrow, just for an hour or so, I can get used to being here without any pressure. Next week I’ll be better.”

Richard’s expression clearly told me I didn’t need to push myself, but he humoured me. That was the trouble with being so close to my teammates – I couldn’t hide anything from them.

“Sure. If that’s what you want to do. But right now I want you to go home and try to get some rest.”

Funny. Until he mentioned it, I didn’t realise how tired I’d become. Maybe it
was
flu. Sure, I hadn’t been sleeping well, but at that moment I felt completely wrecked.

“Do you want me to get you a cab?” Richard asked.

I shook my head. “I’ll call Leah. She said I should call her if I need to.” I let out a short laugh. “I guess she saw this coming.”

Leah and Radleigh’s place had sort of become a meeting point for everyone who was miserable or lonely. Both Bryce and I had been there a lot since I lost Will and Bryce split from his wife. Leah and Radleigh had embraced it; their two best friends both needing a safe place to crash now and again. Sometimes Leah and I would sit together and chat, and Radleigh and Bryce would play video games or go out for a beer. Sometimes we all hung out together, watching movies or having dinner. Those nights were the ones that got me through the roughest spots and I’d never be able to repay them for everything they’d done for me.

“She’s a good friend, that’s all.” Richard gave me a warm smile. “I’d better get outside. You can wait in here for Leah if you want. Or you could… come out and say hey to the guys?”

“Thanks, but I think I’ll wait here. I need to psych myself up for tomorrow.”

“Okay. I’ll see you in the morning.”

With a nod, Richard left and I pulled my cell out of my bag to call Leah.

In spite of the L.A traffic, Leah arrived at the training ground within thirty minutes. I didn’t even hear her open the office door; I’d zoned out. The sounds of my colleagues training washed around my brain and I imagined Will was out there with them, his face serious as he talked with the guys, then his lips turning into that stunning smile when someone made a silly remark, distracting him. The way he ran across the field, watching, offering advice. His long legs taking huge strides to reach an injured player, or to share a joke with Miguel. The way he casually lay back on the grass in the heat of the day, the sun beating down on him while he closed his eyes and basked in the warmth. The ache in my head intensified, along with a tugging sensation in my stomach, pulling me towards a place I couldn’t reach.

“Hey.”

Leah’s voice was soft, aware I wasn’t really present. Even so, I jumped because I thought I was still alone; however gentle, her had voice shattered my thoughts. Her head tilted to one side as she took in my damp cheeks.

“Do you want to me to take you to Will?”

This was why I loved her; why I loved all of my closest friends. Who else would call visiting the grave of your boyfriend “taking me to Will” like he was sitting in a bar drinking beer or something?

With a shake of my head, I rose from the chair. I couldn’t go there again. Not yet. “Can we go to your place for a while?”

“Sure.”

Leah reached her hand out to me and I took it, squeezing gratefully. It was getting harder to hug her these days with her ever-growing baby bump. On such a petite frame, it made her look a little unbalanced, like she might tip forward at any moment. She still had two more months before baby McCoy made an appearance though, and she’d looked off kilter for at least the last four weeks, poor thing.

I’d spent an abnormal amount of time at Leah and Radleigh’s house since Will… you know. At first, I didn’t care where I was, as long as it wasn’t home. I sat, tuned out of the world, while Leah tried to force feed me so I didn’t starve. When I started to become aware of my surroundings again, I felt awful for taking up so much of her time. Time she could have spent doing something better than keeping watch over me. Also, I didn’t think Radleigh was happy to have me there. He never said so or did anything to make me feel unwelcome but having a sobbing woman in one of his spare rooms couldn’t have been much fun.

As we entered the colossal entrance hall, I gave Leah a tired smile then my feet steered me to my normal place; the far end of the sofa, where I tucked my legs underneath me and picked up a pillow to hug against me.

Little by little the tension and sickness I’d felt at the training ground ebbed away. I could almost feel every muscle slowly unclench, but as it subsided it left doubt and fear in its place. What if it happened again? What if every time I went to work, I wanted to run? I’d never felt so freaked out before, and especially not when amongst friends. Instead of feeling their support I’d felt as though they were staring, judging me, unsure whether I was stable enough to be there, and then I’d well and truly proved I wasn’t. Realistically, I knew that wasn’t true. I knew my team mates and they weren’t waiting for me to fall, more like cautiously checking on me while trying to pretend everything was the way it always had been.

“Here you go.”

Again, Leah’s gentle voice broke me from my thoughts and as I looked up at her she handed me a hot cup of tea. English tea, of course. I’d grown to love the stuff her mom had shipped to her since she first moved to the U.S. Tetley, I think it was called. It was my go-to comfort drink, and of course Leah knew this because she’d been the one who had spent the most time comforting me.

“Thank you.” I took the cup, firmly wrapping my hands around it as if it might warm some of the chill inside me; thaw some of the ice around my heart. Leah sat beside me saying nothing, just waiting as she so often did. Sometimes I never said anything for hours and Leah stayed right beside me, not moving, not asking questions, just reaching for my hand occasionally, or pulling me into a hug when the tears fell. Sometimes she cried with me, though I never knew if it was because she missed Will too or because she hated seeing me in so much pain. Probably both. Whenever she needed to leave to make us a drink or some food, she dropped a kiss on the top of my head, and when she came back to me we started the whole thing over again.

“So,” I began then blew the steam away from my drink before continuing, “today sucked.”

“How are you feeling?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know. That’s the problem, Leah. I always knew my first day would be awful but I honestly thought I could do it. It’s work. I’ve been there a million times before, seen the same faces day in and day out, and done the same drills over and over again. But the place feels empty now. Darker.”

I’ve always heard people refer to losing someone as being similar to a light going out, a star being snuffed out in the night sky. I thought it was just a metaphor, but everything in my world truly felt duller. As if someone had altered the contrast and everything had grown dim.

“I know.” Leah let out a sigh. “I hate that I want to tell you it gets easier, because for you, it might not. Not for a while, anyway.”

“It’s supposed to get easier. Or maybe not easier, but slowly more bearable. Right now I only feel lousy for maybe eighty percent of the day. That’s progress, right?”

Leah threw me an understanding smile and a nod. “That’s progress.”

I spent the afternoon napping on Leah’s sofa, exhausted from my meltdown. My dreams were full of distorted images of soccer players; faceless spectres swimming around my brain, but surprisingly I felt a bit more rested when I woke up. The scent of Leah’s homemade lasagne greeted me and my stomach growled.  That was new, or at least a welcome return. I hadn’t felt anything resembling hunger in a long time but Leah’s home cooked food had awakened my appetite and I smiled in spite of my terrible day. As my eyelids fluttered open I became aware of soft voices around me and as I blinked away the sleepy haze, Bree, Bryce, Miguel and Radleigh came in to view.

“We were just deciding whether we should wake you up.” Bree smiled.

I blinked a few times and sat up. Bree was right beside me, where Leah had been when I fell asleep, and Miguel sat beside her. Bryce sat on the leather sofa at a right angle to mine and Radleigh sat on the floor beneath the enormous TV that hung on the wall.

“Sorry. I hope I didn’t keep you waiting.”

“Not at all,” Bryce said. “You’re right on time. Leah’s just about to serve dinner.”

In my confused state I’d forgotten we’d all been invited to Leah and Radleigh’s for dinner. It was supposed to be a “welcome back to work” thing for me, but since I’d barely made it through five minutes it didn’t occur to me that the dinner would go ahead. Jude and Jesse were the only two people missing; Jesse because he had a late physio appointment, and Jude because it was his mom’s birthday so he was visiting her. Bree would usually have gone with him but she’d said she wanted to be here for me, and I was grateful. After Leah, it was Bree’s positivity that had kept me from falling into a miserable heap I couldn’t get up from. She’d mellowed, putting her hyperactivity to one side so her incredibly kind heart shone through. Bree was living proof that things can get better after the worst kind of tragedy and on the hardest days, she was my inspiration to go on when I wanted to give up.