Playing Patience (26 page)

I listened to the noises that spilled from her lips as she achieved a passion I’d never know, and it was almost musical. I should hate her, but she was magnificent and seductive, all things I longed to be. I wanted to look away, but something about the scene was strangely beautiful. Take away the fact that my Zeke was having sex with another woman. Take away the fact that my heart was shriveling into a pile of nothing in my chest. She was a girl I’d never be and watching her freedom was breathtaking.

This was how it was supposed to be for a girl. The creaking mattress and the sounds of the headboard hitting the wall were supposed to be a good thing. The redhead was lucky. She didn’t cower in fear at the erotic noises. She didn’t feel like crying and dropping to the floor in the fetal position if someone touched her. She was exactly what Zeke needed. She was what he deserved and I was not.

Slowly, I backed away toward the door, but before I could look away, I saw Zeke’s eyes land on me. The noises stopped and he used his hands to stop her bouncing hips. The embarrassment of being caught watching set in and I felt heat fill my cheeks. I bet the redhead didn’t blush like a little girl. I bet the redhead was a real woman, a woman who could say the word penis without giggling.

I felt the doorframe connect with my back. It stopped me from making a quick escape. The redhead slung her head around and with big eyes she looked at me in annoyance.

“Snowflake,” Zeke said. His voice was strained and he was out of breath.

A fine sheen of sweat covered his body and all the enjoyment left his eyes as he stared back at me. A strange emotion that bordered heartbreak crossed his expression, but him being hurt made no sense to me. Why would being caught in the middle of hot sex hurt his feelings? Actually, since when did Zeke Mitchell have any feelings? I’d been mistaken for a little while, but it was obvious he’d been right. I was way out of my league.

I felt like I should say something. I felt like I needed to let them know I knew I wasn’t supposed to be there, but my tongue seemed to be swollen to the size of a balloon and it felt like it was full of lead. No matter how badly I wanted to smile like it was no big deal and say something witty, I couldn’t force my lips to move and my voice seemed to be stuck somewhere in the bottom of my lungs, which I couldn’t fill.

“I’m sorry.” The words squeaked out of my mouth. They were small and insignificant, like me.

And then my legs didn’t feel numb anymore and somehow I managed to turn and step out of the room. The hallway of Zeke’s trailer never seemed so long. It suddenly loomed in front of me and I didn’t think I’d ever make it to his front door. The sinking floor felt like it was consuming my feet with each step until finally I made it.

The aluminum door caught the wind when I opened it and had it not been for the rusted chain that kept the door in reach, it would have smacked into the trailer. I used the doorframe to hold myself up when a wave of dizziness swept through me. I silently wondered to myself if anyone had ever died from heartbreak. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and my brain was misfiring. I couldn’t think straight. Little things like moving my legs and walking out of his trailer were too difficult for me to comprehend.

Finally, my motor skills kicked in and I could move again. The cool breeze kissed my cheeks as I stepped out onto the rocky porch. I pushed the door shut and slipped down the wooded stairs. Halfway to my car I felt the sprinkle of rain against my hair. It wasn’t until I was safe in my car that I realized there were actual tears on my cheeks.

I silently prayed to myself that they didn’t come until I was out of Zeke’s house. The last thing I wanted was for him to see me cry. He never needed to know how much I cared about him. He never needed to know the final piece of me that had been holding on flittered away to nothing when I saw him with her.

Twenty-One

Zeke

Walking away from Patience was hard, but it was necessary. The look on her face when I walked away from her would live in my nightmares for a while.

I didn’t even tell Finn I was leaving. Instead, I walked out and drove drunk as fuck to the park by the Boy’s Club. It reminded me of Patience and I felt close to her there. I could still remember that first kiss with her. It was beyond amazing.

I lifted my trusty bottle of Everclear and finished it. I was so drunk my lips were going numb. I got out and jumped into the bed of my car. I pushed some trash over and lay flat on my back. Staring up at the stars, I passed out.

The next morning, I woke up stiff and hung over. I drove back to the apartment and then stood in the hot shower until I started to feel alive again. When I got out, Tiny was sitting on the couch in his boxers, playing Xbox.

“Dude, what happened to you last night?” he asked without taking his eyes away from his game.

“I got drunk and passed out at the park.”

I opened the fridge and downed some tomato juice. Dad swore by it for a hangover. Turns out he was right. I stocked up the minute I knew I’d be doing some heavy drinking. I crashed onto the couch next to Tiny.

“Why do you play this shit, man? It hurts my brain just watching.”

“You don’t know nuttin’ about some Skyrim,” he said as he fought some crazy-looking giant on the screen.

“Yeah, you have fun with that. I’m going over to my old man’s house to get my shit. I’ll be back.”

I got off the couch and started toward the door.

“Yeah, see you later.”

Not once did he take his eyes off the screen.

A few minutes later, I pulled into my dad’s empty yard. I’d never been so happy to see his truck gone. The shitty front porch buckled as I ran up the steps to the front door. The door popped open with little effort and the smell of beer was stronger than ever when I walked in.

I didn’t waste any time. I went straight to my old bedroom and started packing my shit into black trash bags I’d grabbed in the kitchen. I was almost done when I heard the door open. I froze. The thought of my dad coming home sucked. It was the last thing I wanted to deal with right now. I’m sure he was sour as shit about getting his ass kicked.

I peeked down the hallway, expecting to see his large frame approaching. Instead, Stephanie, the redhead, stood there. She smiled seductively as she slowly walked down the hallway toward my room.

“What are you doing here?” I asked as I turned away and started packing. “How did you know where I was?”

“I didn’t. I was across the street, hanging out with my girl, when I saw you pull up. I thought I’d come over and see if there was anything I could help you with. Finn told me you were moving in with Tiny. I figured you were packing.”

She ran a painted fingernail across the top of my old, broken dresser.

“Finn has a big fucking mouth,” I said dryly.

“So do I.” She grinned over at me.

I didn’t miss her meaning. She made it even more obvious when she looked down at the crotch of my pants. I felt my cock get hard under her gaze. It’s not like I could help it. It had been weeks since I had a woman and being teased by Patience every time I got around her didn’t help. Maybe if I got it out of my system I wouldn’t be so caught up on Patience. Maybe all I needed was a good, hard, meaningless fuck.

“Pretty much, you came over here to get laid?” I asked bluntly as I sat down on my old bed.

She laughed. “Well, we can talk, too. I have a lot on my chest that you could maybe help soothe.” She smirked.

Fuck it. I was done over thinking shit. It was time old Zeke came back and squashed all this emotional bullshit.

“I think you should come sit right here and tell me all about it.” I patted the crotch of my jeans.

She moved like a cat across my room, unbuttoning her top on the way to my bed. When she reached the side of my bed, she was in only her sexy little skirt and a lacey black bra that left nothing to the imagination. It was fucking hot and I should’ve been all about dipping my cock in that red-hot piece, but my thoughts kept going back to Patience.

She seemed to think I was so much better than this. Well, she was wrong. I wasn’t better than this. This was who I was; this was who I’d always be.

Stephanie climbed onto my lap. I worked my hands up her thighs and under her skirt. I was met with stringy panties and a soft, wet spot.

“Take this off,” I demanded as I tugged roughly on her skirt.

Her eyes lit up. Women loved that shit. They loved a man who took charge during sex and so, in turn, women loved me. She stood above me, her crotch lingering in front of my face, and peeled her matching black throngs down her legs. Unashamed of her body, she stood above me and let me take her in with my eyes. It was a huge turn-on, but still, all I could think about was how cute Patience was when she was trying to make sure her body was covered. She was so bashful about her beautiful body. Modesty was something I wasn’t used to. Honestly, I kind of liked it and strangely, it was more of a turn-on.

Why did I have to keep thinking about her? Why couldn’t I just forget about her, deem her a nice girl, and move the fuck on? It was annoying beyond belief and I was already sick of the way she made me feel. Emotions weren’t a good thing for a guy like me. Actually, they were fucking dangerous as all get out and I couldn’t allow them in my life. If I had to have sex with every girl that passed by, then so be it. I had to get Patience out of my system. I needed her off my skin and the only way to do that was to move on.

I fucked hated this! All of it! My life wasn’t supposed to be this complicated, and having pointless sex with Stephanie was going to make things less complicated, I hoped.

I reached up and ran my hands up her legs, then ran my thumb across her wet nub. She sucked in a breath, then leaned down to kiss me. I turned my head and pulled her down on top of me. No way could I kiss her. Patience was the only girl I could stand to be that close to.

I pushed her back and unbuttoned my jeans. She helped as I pulled them down around my thighs. She didn’t waste any time straddling me and pushing herself down onto my cock.

I thought the minute our bodies connected I would be lost. I usually lost myself with a good joint and a soaking wet woman, but that didn’t happen. Instead, all I saw were shining blue eyes staring back and me and sandy-blond hair instead of red.

I closed my eyes and leaned my body back against my headboard as she moved her body against mine. I didn’t really want to, but I think having sex with Stephanie was my way of pissing myself off. My way of proving to myself that I was exactly what everyone around me thought I was—a dog, a loser, not good enough to kiss Snowflake’s toes. And I would, kiss her toes, if that was her thing.

For the first time in my life, I was going through the motions of sex. I heard the bed hitting the wall and I knew Stephanie was doing a good job. I heard her moaning on top of me and I knew even though I wasn’t really into it, my body was doing a good job. Still, I felt nothing. The achy pressure in my abs and balls that usually came with sex wasn’t there.

I felt her warmth and I recognized it was supposed to feel good, but all I could think about was how badly I wished it was Patience on top of me. I wished it was strands of platinum locks resting against my chest as she leaned over me. I wished it was Patience telling me how good I felt, but it wasn’t. It was a saucy redhead who knew what she was doing and yet, I wanted it to be over already.

Like a robot I reached up and pulled at the back of her hair. She seemed like the kind that would like that and I got the response I expected. She sped up, the mattress moaning against my hips as she pressed me deeper into its springs. I worked my hands down her back and gripped her ass. Maybe if I pressed her down harder and she moved faster something would happen and I wouldn’t have to fake an orgasm. I’d never had to do that before and somehow it made me feel like less of a man.

Movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention and the world around me paused as my eyes connected with Patience. For a brief second I thought maybe my mind had conjured her up as a sort of reward for a possible orgasm, but the single tear that cut a path down her cheek let me know she was all real.

The look in her eyes burnt me all over. It effectively made me feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world. The hurt she felt was evident and immediately it broke my heart and pissed me off at the same time. Who knew hurting someone I cared about would kill the tiny, living pieces inside? Who knew caring about someone would make me so angry?

I wanted to push Stephanie away and go to her. I wanted to hold her and tell her how sorry I was that she had to see this. I wanted to tell her I was sorry for being me, for not being enough for her, because deep down it’s all I ever wanted. I wanted to be good enough and since I had no way of ever becoming even close to good enough, here I was sabotaging any decent part of me.

Her name fell from my lips and then
she
apologized. Why the hell was she apologizing? She didn’t do anything wrong. I was the one in the wrong; I was the one that needed a good swift kick in the balls. I was nothing and there she was hurting over me, and then she was gone.

I knew in the back of my head that those tear-filled eyes were going to be the last thing I ever saw of Patience. For years to come, I’d have nightmares about those eyes. I’d lie awake in my bed at night and replay that moment over and over again in my head. It was the moment I broke her, the moment I destroyed myself.

I removed Stephanie from my lap and pulled my jeans up.

“Get out,” I said calmly.

“What the fuck, Zeke?” She stood there, naked and furious. “Is this because of that little blond bitch?”

I glared over at her.

“You heard me… Get out.”

She dressed quickly with a pissed-off look on her face. Snatching up her shoes and keys, she flew down the hallway of my trailer and slammed the front door.

I buttoned my jeans and grabbed my wallet and keys, then made my way into the kitchen for a beer. I pulled open the fridge and popped the top on a cold one. Turning toward the living room, I threw back my head and took a large swig. That’s when my eyes landed on the guitar case sitting on my couch.