Read Please Don't Stop The Music Online
Authors: Jane Lovering
When
Dad died I felt I had to look after Mum and Emmie, had to be
someone, and I had the band and they only had each other; it was
all crazy stupid and I reckon I rebuilt myself into someone that
could cope. Which is what Jemima did. She turned herself into
something that was hard enough to take what was happening, but only
on the outside. Inside, she was like me, hiding and scared.
Lost.
And
now we’re found. I’m found. Willow Down is going on without me and
I don’t mind. Zafe will make a fine lead. I’ve got Jem and I will
do anything in my power to make her happy. Because she’s saved me
in some way I can’t even start to define.
I’m
not saying it’s all over. Not yet. She looks at me sometimes as
though she thinks I’m going to blow it all. I don’t think she knows
that she’s the one with all the power, that she could destroy me,
simply by leaving. I’m breathless with the thought that she might,
one day, just pack and leave, even while I know I have to give her
that freedom. Otherwise I’ve just caged her, haven’t I? And what
kind of love would it be, that only came from inside a
box?
I
want to keep her, but I don’t want to tie her. I need her to be
able to run, but not to want to. I need her to know that. I need
her to feel safe with me. Fuck it, I just need her.
* *
*
Saskia tapped her toe on the threadbare
carpet. ‘I’m
positive
I told you I’d be here to pick up the cards today.’ She
turned a little circle with an expression which made it look as
though her upper lip was attached to the ceiling by invisible
wires. ‘And I can’t
believe
you’re letting me down.’ The wires tightened and
the lip curled a little more.
Rosie deftly buttoned Harry back into his rompers. ‘Honestly,
Saskia. You never said anything about picking them up. I thought I
had until next week.’ She lifted Harry. ‘Anyway I couldn’t have
done them that fast, you must know that.’
‘
Hmmm.’ Saskia tapped a nail against a tooth. There was an
echo of falseness from both. ‘It may be that I have to rethink our
contract, Rosie. If you’re going to do this sort of
thing.’
‘
What
sort of
thing?’ I waded in on Rosie’s behalf. ‘Looking after her son? Doing
housework? It’s not like she’s off clubbing all hours, is it? What
are you trying to do, confine her to the house?’
Saskia threw me a glance I couldn’t have read with a
dictionary. ‘In business, Jemima, one has to be reliable.
Absolutely and without question, one has to be professional.’
Another look. ‘And, may I point out, this isn’t your problem or
your concern and I would appreciate you keeping your rather pointy
little nose out of things.’
Rosie and I gaped at one another. Saskia must be rattled for
her insults to have become so overt.
After a moment’s consideration, Saskia
looked me over again. ‘I know this is just a
tiny
bit personal, darling, but
you’re not expecting, are you?’ My mouth fell so far open that from
the side I probably looked like a basking shark. ‘You do seem to
have put on some weight.’ I tried, but I couldn’t help myself and
glanced down at my stomach. Saskia gave a small smile of triumph.
‘But then I shouldn’t think that darling Benedict could be
responsible, he seems like a man with a rather more, how should I
put it,
subtle
taste in women.’ Like an unconscious reflex she ran a hand
through her hair. ‘And he really is the most adorable
kisser.’
Did
she think I didn’t know? Or was this a rather pathetic attempt to
make me jealous? Or just paranoid?
‘
I’m
going to make some coffee.’ Rosie pressed Harry to me. ‘And
possibly inhale some kind of glue. Chat amongst
yourselves.’
‘
Chicken,’ I hissed at her but she rolled her eyes at me and
fled into the kitchen.
‘
Oh, this
is
a shame, having to leave without the cards.’
Saskia pulled her Blackberry from her bag and consulted it. ‘Oh,
well. And I find myself having to double my order, too. Rosie is
certainly in for a busy weekend!’ A scythe-like nail pressed a
button. ‘Please ask Rosie to excuse me, won’t you? I am rather
pushed for time.’ A sideways smile. ‘Oscar has his induction today
and I need to rush home for my hat.’
‘
He’s
five
, Saskia. He’s starting school.
For most mothers it’s check that his socks are level and that he’s
got his lunchbox. You make it sound like the winners enclosure at
Goodwood.’
This
time I got a chilly stare. ‘The two have a surprising amount in
common, Jemima. Although I do realise that the words “surprising
amount” and “common” are used rather differently around you. Now
excuse me.’ She turned around and lifted the Blackberry again,
obviously using it to block me out.
‘
I
don’t know what you’re playing at,’ my voice was cool, my tone
level. ‘But one day someone’s going to stop you,
Saskia.’
‘
Playing?
’ Saskia
tapped a couple of keys then snapped the lid down. ‘I wasn’t aware
that life was a game, Jemima.’ She stood up, hands smoothing down
the sides of her skirt where the silk had creased and ruffled deep
gouges like ravines. When she spoke again, it was almost a whisper.
‘No. It most certainly is anything but.’
She
swivelled so that her hair twisted a circle around her face, pulled
a cutely clothes-matching purse from the table and headed for the
door. I couldn’t put my finger on the emotion I felt when I
realised there were tears smudging the edges of her mascara’d
eyes.
After a decent interval, Rosie poked her
head back through the door. ‘Thank God she’s gone.’ She flung
herself down onto the sofa. ‘She’s trying to make out that I’m
bonkers, what with her “I’m sure I told you”, and “but we
arranged
…”.’
Her
emphasised speech was uncannily like Saskia’s. ‘Very good. Have you
been practising?’
‘
Yeah. I sit up at night doing Saskia impressions and feeding
Harry lemons so that he’ll grow up associating her with bitterness.
He’ll thank me for it when he’s eighteen and she’s trying to get
into his trousers.’ Rosie took the baby from me. ‘Now. You’ve only
apologised for leaving about, what, five hundred times, so I’d like
at least another thousand and possibly some Hail-Mary-type
penances, stat. Oh, but that’s after you tell me what’s put such a
smile on your face … and if it’s anything Glaswegian-related then
I’m afraid you can just bugger off back to Kilt-and-Haggis Land,
’cos I’ve got good money resting on you staying put back
here.’
I
said nothing but let my half-smile do the work for me.
‘
Oh God, oh God.’ Rosie danced around the
room, with Harry nearly making himself sick trying to keep focusing
on her face. ‘You and Ben. Oh, this is just so
fantastic
!’
‘
Steady on. We’re not exactly choosing
curtains you know. It was only …’ I tailed off, realising I
didn’t
know
what
it was. ‘I’m not settling down with him. I stand by what I said,
what I’ve
always
said; no men until I’m a person in my own right.’ But I could
hear the hollowness of my words this time, and my smile had become
so broad I was nearly swallowing my own ears.
Ben and me. Yes.
‘
But
you must think you’re nearly there, otherwise you wouldn’t have
done it, would you?’ Rosie twirled her son about in a makeshift
waltz. ‘Years of no sex, and you broke it with Ben. That’s
fantastic,’ she repeated, whilst Harry made threatening belching
noises. ‘Am I allowed to tell Jason?’
‘
Tell me what?’ Jason loomed over the threshold like a bad
smell. Complete with a bad smell.
‘
Jem
had sex with Ben Davies.’
‘
Rosie! I didn’t say you
could
tell him.’
‘
Oh
right, you try keeping anything from Mr MI5 here, especially if
there’s sex involved.’ Her words were a little sour.
I
looked from one to the other. ‘Rosie? Jase?’
They
both shook heads. ‘Nothing. Honestly, Jem, nothing.’
‘
Now, come on, give us the grief – did he tie you up? Gotta be
a bondage kinda guy, trousers like he wears.’
‘
Jason, you
have
to tie your women up otherwise
they’d see sense and go home.’
‘
Jemima, when they sees what I got in here
–’ Jason clutched at his groin. ‘They don’t want to go
nowhere
.’
‘
Shutupshutup.’ Rosie waved us both down with the hand not
gripping Harry. ‘I want to know all about it. Where, how,
why?’
‘
And
what wiv,’ Jason added, leeringly.
‘
I wish I hadn’t mentioned it now.’ I
wandered through to the kitchen to put the kettle on, leaving them
bickering. There was a slightly pointed edge to Rosie this morning,
I thought. She’d been overjoyed to see me but something wasn’t
quite right with her. Or, more exactly, not right with her
relationship with Jason. There were definite undercurrents, things
not said. And given that Jason, Mr Verbal Diarrhoea, was involved,
that was something for the
Guinness Book
of Records
.
I
shook my head and tipped some Crunch Creams onto a plate. Then
thought about Jason eating them all and replaced them with Rich Tea
biscuits and a couple of soggy digestives I found in the back of
the cupboard. This wasn’t my home any more. When it had been, there
would never have been a chance for digestives to go soggy at the
back of the cupboard.
But
if this wasn’t home, then were was?
A
picture rose in my mind like yeast in a warm oven. Ben’s body,
which I’d originally thought of as scrawny, now revealed in all its
glory as lean and perfectly muscled. The way he wore his jeans,
slung low on his hips and tight across his thighs. His long, untidy
hair and his relentlessly stubbled cheeks.
My
hands were shaking so much that I nearly dropped the kettle and
slopped boiling water all over the draining board.
‘
What’s taking so long?’ Jason appeared in the doorway,
preceded only slightly by the stench of formaldehyde. ‘People dyin’
of thirst in here, girl.’ I swallowed hard and tried once more to
bring the kettle into conjunction with the mugs. ‘You all right?’
His hand steadied mine, but his touch just brought more memories of
Ben. ‘You’re not going to run again, are you, babe?’
‘
No,
Jason, I’m not. I think I’m staying around, at least for a
while.’
‘
Well, I don’t mind tellin’ you, I’m glad to hear it. How long
has it been?’
‘
Last night it averaged about eight inches,’ I said just to
see his face, and to my gratification Jason actually
blushed.
Chapter Twenty-One
‘…
okay, my turn. My dream, my ultimate dream, yeah?’ Rosie
dragged a semi-drunken hand over her head, sending spirals of hair
ricocheting off her skull. ‘And for the record Jase, I still think
yours is pathetic.’
‘
Hey, there’s nothin’ wrong in ownin’ an island. Plenty of
time to paint.’
‘
If
you say so.’ Rosie adjusted the weight of Harry who was sleeping in
her arms. ‘Hmmm. My ultimate dream.’ She glanced around the room
and I saw her gaze come to rest on the half-finished pile of cards
on the table. ‘I want to see Saskia lose all her money, and get
struck ugly. Oh, and live happily ever after. That’s me, not her.
Your turn, Jem.’
I
pushed my seat back from the table. Rosie had cooked up one of her
classic lasagnes and my stomach felt like it might be forming an
independent state. Perhaps Jason would like to own it. I opened my
mouth to say this and then saw the way Jason was looking at Rosie.
‘Thass your ultimate dream, is it? To see the back of Saskia?’ His
voice was very gentle and I knew neither of them were interested in
my ultimate fantasy. Which, I might add, I had no idea
about.
Rosie nodded, bending her head to kiss her sleeping
son.
‘
Well,’ Jason reached out and stroked her hair. ‘Thass one
dream won’t come true. Two dreams, yours and mine.’
There was such a terrible tenderness in the way he spoke that
I suddenly felt like the world’s largest gooseberry. ‘I ought to
go. Ben said he’d be over around tennish to give me a lift back –
he’s chewing the fat with Zafe this evening. I’ll wait out at the
bus stop, save him having to turn round in the lane. Thanks for
dinner, Rosie.’
‘
I’ll walk with you.’
‘
No,
it’s okay, Jase.’
But
he was already grabbing a jacket and forcing his arms down the
sleeves. ‘Aw, come on Jem. I still wants to hear your ultimate
dream. I reckon it’s gonna be filthy.’
Rosie laughed and stood up. ‘And I’d better get this lad to
bed.’
‘
Thass
exactly
what I’m hopin’ Jem’s gonna
say. Her ultimate dream, yeah?’ Jason nudged me. ‘Can’t fight it
forever, girl.’ But once outside, as we moved through the twilight,
he dropped the act. ‘We got problems, Jem. Big
problems.’