Please Don't Stop The Music (33 page)

‘
Wasn’t really enough evidence,’ I said, grudgingly. Wouldn’t
want Saskia attributing philanthropy to me. ‘Just a seed head. I
thought you might have had it stuck to you or something when you
went down there.’

‘
I’m giving you the lease.’ Saskia went back
to looking at Ben. ‘Making it over to you. The shop in the Shambles
is yours. You can do what you like with it.’ A quick look at me.
‘
Sell
what you
like.’

I breathed hard and clenched my fists. I
wanted,
so much
,
just to punch her little Pekinese face, but the steady trickle of
mascara-laced tears made me stop. It was the first time I’d ever
seen Saskia lose control. ‘But
why
? Why all this drama? Why not
confront Alex? Tell him to go, if he’s shagging
around?’

‘
Have you ever been in love, Jemima?’ Her voice was a whisper,
broken by catches in her breath. ‘Truly, utterly in love? And known
all the time that you were driving the other person away? And you
knew what you were doing but you still couldn’t stop yourself –
pushing them away when they wanted to be close and then wanting
them to touch you but afraid of what would happen if they
did …’

Something made of ice crept down my spine. I refused to look
at Ben. ‘I can imagine.’

‘
No,
you can’t! Look at you with your no make-up and your skinny little
jeans and your flimsy tops, all “I’m so beautiful I don’t have to
try”. What do you think it’s like to have to try, every day,
knowing that it’s getting harder and harder and one day it’s all
going to fall apart? And watching the person that you love most
finding other people more attractive –’ A sob broke through and she
stopped. Forced several deep breaths. ‘Even when they weigh the
same as a small car and have the dress sense of Judith Chalmers,’
she finished, with the old Saskia springing to the fore once again.
‘It would have been better if it had been you. At least you’re
pretty.’ She was back to the whisper again.

‘
Alex was working away such a lot, up until this summer. But
he suddenly decided to change his arrangements so he could work
from home, with Oscar starting school. So that he could see more of
his son …’

The
realisation hit all three of us at once. ‘He’s Harry’s father.’ I
said it first. ‘The bastard.’

A
watery smile creased Saskia’s mouth. ‘Sympathy for the devil,
Jemima?’

‘
No,
I meant, all that time when Rosie was frantic trying to look after
Harry and get all those cards made for you. Jase and I were looking
after Harry, where was Alex?’

‘
But
what could he do?’ Ben joined in. ‘He couldn’t offer to help
without arousing suspicion. And you were quite happy to help, Jem,
particularly when you were getting low-rate board-and-lodging at
the cottage.’

‘
I
can’t believe she didn’t tell me.’ I sat down hard. ‘All that time,
she’s been sneaking off to see him – I can’t believe she didn’t
give me one hint. I thought Harry’s dad had been some
one-night-stand. Not this.’

‘
What am I going to do?’ Saskia’s wail would have aroused more
sympathy in me if she hadn’t promptly turned to Ben and thrown
herself against his shoulder, continuing to speak muffled into his
shirt. ‘I love him.’

Panicked, Ben looked at me over her head. ‘Is she talking?’
His eyes were wide. ‘What’s she saying?’

I stared at Saskia. The sound of my
heartbeat was drowning out my thoughts.
This was love. This was what it brought you to.
You loved and you were left.
‘So. We confront them.’

‘
We?’ Saskia raised her head. The mascara streaking her face
made her look fragile, like a made-for-TV movie heroine.

‘
Well, what were you thinking of doing?’ I knew my voice was
sharp. ‘Letting it all go on?’

‘
I don’t know.’ Once again Saskia looked
humble. ‘I think I was afraid. I wanted to know but I didn’t want
to
know
, if you
see what I mean. If I had no proof then I could pretend it was just
me, being silly.’

My mouth twisted. Silly? Only little girls
were
silly
. Full
grown women were stupid or blind.

‘
But things were getting worse. I’d started
writing it down every time he was away, or out, or working late,
trying to find a pattern. But it was all so random, just
half-an-hour here, an afternoon there, nothing I could pin down.
And then a friend of mine recommended this man, this
Dave
, as someone who
could make things happen.’

I
shrugged off Ben’s hand. ‘Right, come on Saskia.’

Between us we escorted Saskia to the cottage where Jason was
cross-legged but alone in the armchair.

‘
Rosie’s press-ganged me into babysitting the little guy. Said
she had something to do.’

I
felt the tremor run down Saskia’s arm. ‘We think we know what that
something was.’

Jason looked at Saskia. ‘Bloody hell, girl. Looks like you’ve
done ten rounds with Estee Lauder.’ He glanced away, down at the
carpet. ‘I presume you found out then.’

‘
You
knew
?’ Ben, Saskia and I all
chorused together.

‘
She had to tell
someone
, it’s been eating her
alive.’

‘
She could have told me.’ I was more hurt
than I could have thought possible. Rosie was
my friend
. And how many nights had
we spent, during the pregnancy and after it, choking down tears of
laughter as we speculated on the parentage of her baby together. It
had all been lies.

The
sound of a big car’s engine on the road struck us all dumb. Except
for Ben until I mouthed, ‘It’s Alex. Outside.’

Ben
let go of Saskia and headed out of the front door, whilst at the
same time Rosie came in the back. Saskia burst out crying again.
Proper hard sobbing, not picturesque tears this time. Jason put his
arm around her, scruffy but chivalrous.

Rosie stood in the kitchen doorway and stared at us. I
watched the expressions cross her face, bewilderment, slow-dawning
comprehension, and finally relief. ‘Saskia?’

‘
Don’t talk to me, you husband-stealing bitch.’

I
put myself between the women. ‘We know about Alex.’

Rosie gave a small smile. ‘I gathered.’

‘
Ben’s gone to get him.’

‘
Okay.’ Disconcertingly unabashed she turned back into the
kitchen and began filling the kettle. I followed her and watched
while she got mugs and coffee from the cupboard.

‘
I
don’t know what to say to you,’ I said. Emotions ran riot around my
adrenal glands. ‘I thought you might have told me.’

Rosie shrugged. ‘Nothing to tell.’

Anger rose again. ‘Right. Just say that to Saskia, would
you?’

A
rising cry from Saskia indicated Alex’s arrival in the living room
via the front of the cottage. Rose and I reached the doorway in
time to see her launch herself at him across the room, ululating as
she went, hands raised in fists in front of her face. ‘You
–’

Alex
looked scared. ‘Sas?’ Then he looked over at Rosie and I was
surprised to see the same expression of relief on his face as on
hers. ‘I guess it’s over.’

Saskia’s shriek of grief sawed across my nerve endings. It
sounded as though her world was ending. ‘No! Please, don’t say
that.’ And she stopped the rather pathetic slapping that she had
been doing and flung her arms around Alex’s not-exactly inadequate
torso. ‘I’m sorry I’ve been such a cold bitch, I’ve just been so
scared and it’s the way I was brought up. My parents were the same
and I don’t know how to love you but I’ll try, I really will try.’
She raised her porcelain face to his. ‘We could try
counselling?’

‘
I
meant, that the pretence was over.’ Alex rested his chin on the top
of her head. He had to stand a little bit on tiptoe to do it. ‘I’m
sorry, Saskia. I should have come clean a long time ago, but
…’

‘
It was the village May Fair, last spring.’
Rosie stood in the doorway wiping her hands on a tea towel. ‘We
both got very,
very
drunk.’

‘
I
had to carry you home,’ I said. ‘And you were sick down my blue
jumper.’

‘
I
knew I’d had sex with someone but I couldn’t remember who. And then
Alex came round to apologise. Kept apologising, too. It’s all
right, Saskia, he thought I was you.’

All
of us looked from plump, dark-haired Rosie to blonde, broomhandle
Saskia. ‘Blind drunk were you?’

‘
It
– look, I really was incredibly smashed.’ Alex stared at the worn
carpet. ‘I mean, almost too drunk to do anything. But Sas had been
helping out with the drinks and I went round to the back of the bar
tent, saw her bending over to pick up the empties and – well, by
the time I realised it wasn’t Sas, it was all over.’

‘
It
was terrible sex,’ Rosie agreed. ‘Really, really
shocking.’

‘
And
Rosie and I, we agreed we wouldn’t mention it again.’

‘
Ever,’ Rosie put in.

‘
She
didn’t even tell me she was expecting until I met her in the shop a
couple of weeks before –’ His eyes raised ceilingwards. ‘Didn’t
even tell me then, actually, I just, kind of deduced.’

‘
I
was the size of a bungalow. He couldn’t have missed it.’

‘
And then, of course, I offered to pay but
Rosie wouldn’t have it. Said that I’d hardly been present at the
conception, it wasn’t really worth my while being present for the
baby. But I – well. I love Oscar so much, I didn’t want this chap
…
Harry
to miss
out on a dad, so I – well, I’ve been getting together with Rosie
just for updates and suchlike and also …’ Alex tailed off, scuffed
a foot on the carpet, looking every inch the prep-school boy he’d
no doubt once been.

‘
He gives me stuff. Food, nappies, that kind
of thing. Just to help out.’ Rosie shook her head. ‘I’d sort of
convinced myself that Harry was some kind of immaculate conception.
I don’t
remember
the sex. But Alex was so keen on doing the right thing. He’s
even been taking me over to Blandford to look over the
place.’

‘
You
were going to send him to the same school as Oscar?’ Saskia looked
aghast. I wasn’t sure if it was because she thought Harry would
lower the tone or whether it was some bizarre taboo in
Upper-Class-Land.

Alex
looked more shamefaced, which was nearly impossible; his expression
almost reached his knees as it was. ‘We would have had to put his
name down before his first birthday, so I wanted Rosie to see what
the place was like.’

‘
It’s very nice,’ she put in. ‘And Oscar does like
Harry.’

‘
Oscar
knows
?’

‘
Good God, no. Look Sas.’ Alex tilted her
chin down so that she looked him in the eye. ‘Rosie and I – there
never
was
a Rosie
and me. We’ve been trying to deal with the repercussions as best we
could without anyone getting hurt. I’m not sorry you found out, but
I
am
sorry that
you feel so betrayed. I do love you, I always have.’ Then, after a
pause. ‘But maybe counselling might be a good
idea?’

Ben,
Jason and I repaired to the kitchen to allow the three of them to
talk more privately.

‘
Anyone else think they’re protestin’
way,
way
too
much?’ Jason asked succinctly, around a rich tea
biscuit.

‘
Yes, but they’re obviously happy to have it over. Maybe they
only carried it on for something to do, some kind of physical
connection. After all, Saskia hardly looks like she’s handing out
the cuddles on a nightly basis, and life must be pretty lonely for
Rosie sometimes. Maybe they both got caught up in the excitement of
being illicit. Alex obviously loves Saskia.’ Ben looked at the
closed door. ‘And she must love him to have done all those shitty
things to you. I guess she wanted you both to pack up and leave, so
she’d got him to herself again.’

‘
You
look happy, Jason. Family conflict turns you on, does it?’ I
eyeballed him sternly.

‘
Nah. But now things are out in the open, it all works for me.
Rosie told me, yeah, that she wanted to go public with everything
but she couldn’t risk Sas taking the work away. So she had to put
up and shut up and she wouldn’t go to the States with me ’cos it
would mean taking Hazzer away from his dad.’

‘
It
still would.’

‘
Yeah, but now Sas knows, Alex could fly over and visit or be
there at the end of the phone. Now, just maybe, she’ll start making
a new life that isn’t full of secret rendyvooz.’

‘
With you?’ Ben looked square at Jason and raised his
eyebrows. I gathered that Jason and Rosie had been the subject of
some Man-Talk.