Please Don't Take My Baby (20 page)

I encouraged Jade to continue with Courtney’s normal routine and Jade gave her a bath at 7.00 p.m. and then settled her in her cot for the night. Jade then stayed in her bedroom watching Courtney sleep despite my suggestion that she should come down and watch television to take her mind off things. I knew that Rachel was visiting Tyler during the evening, and later I asked Jade if she’d heard from him, but she said she hadn’t. I checked on Jade and Courtney a couple of times during the evening and then again after Adrian and Paula had gone to bed. Jade had changed into her nightwear and was in bed, propped on her side watching Courtney sleep. I asked her again if she was all right and she nodded, so I told her to call me if she needed anything and I came out. There was nothing I could say or do to help her.

Before I went to bed I wrote up my log notes, stating that Rachel had visited, what she’d told Jade and how she’d been during the evening. It was only a few lines because Rachel would write a lengthier report for the social services file, and to be honest I was fed up with writing my log. Indeed I was fed up generally. I felt a failure as a foster carer and had begun to torment myself with the thought that Jade’s situation was my fault and that if I’d done things differently she wouldn’t have got herself into trouble and might have been able to keep her baby. But what I could or should have done differently, other than not help Jade as much as I had, escaped me. I’d acted in good faith and had done my best for Jade and Courtney just as I did for all the children I fostered.

I was having a shower at 10.30 before going to bed when I heard Jade go downstairs for Courtney’s night bottle. When I finished showering I went into her room to check she and Courtney were all right. Courtney had finished her bottle and was in her cot, going off to sleep; Jade was lying on her side in bed and watching her.

‘I’ve had a text from Ty,’ she said, glancing up at me and looking a little brighter. ‘He’s not going to play pool with his mates tomorrow – Friday. He’s coming to see me.’

‘Good,’ I said. ‘That’ll be nice.’

‘And, Cathy,’ Jade continued, now almost smiling, ‘guess what? Ty’s asking his mum if she can adopt Courtney. So we’ll still be able to see her whenever we want.’

I didn’t want to dampen Jade’s spirits but I had to be realistic. ‘Jade, you understand that if Tyler’s mother feels she can adopt Courtney her application will have to be considered by the social services? She’ll be assessed to see if she is suitable, just as other applicants are.’

‘But she hasn’t got a police record,’ Jade said defensively.

‘I know, but there are other factors the social services will want to consider.’

‘Like what?’ Jade said, disgruntled by my realism.

‘Her age, for example, and her home. How she will support the baby. Who will look after the baby while she is at work. It’s a long process to adopt, love, and it takes time. Has she seen Courtney yet?’

‘Yeah. Once.’

‘All right. Let’s wait and see what she says,’ I said. For while I thought the social services would consider Tyler’s mother’s application, I’d no idea if her situation would meet the strict criteria for adoption, or even if she wanted to adopt and take on the life-changing responsibility a new baby would bring.

‘I feel a bit happier,’ Jade said.

‘Good.’

I didn’t sleep well that night and I was awake when Jade got up at 6.00 a.m. to give Courtney her early-morning bottle. I would normally have been relieved it was Friday and nearly the weekend, but not this Friday. The weekend seemed a huge hurdle to overcome before the professionals meeting on Monday, when a decision would be made on Courtney’s future. Jade joined us for breakfast and made a big effort to talk to Adrian and Paula. When I returned from taking Paula to school she had a cup of coffee waiting for me, and for the rest of the day she was a model parent and foster daughter: tending to Courtney’s every need, and even clearing up after herself in the bathroom and the kitchen. She was also a lot brighter and I knew that was because of the good news she hoped Tyler would bring with him that evening in respect of his mother wanting to adopt Courtney.

However, shortly after 6.30 p.m. Jade shouted distraughtly from the landing:

‘She won’t have her! Her own granddaughter and she won’t help us!’

I stopped what I was doing and rushed upstairs.

Jade was face down on her bed, her phone in her hand, and sobbing loudly. ‘I hate her!’ she cried, referring to Tyler’s mother. ‘She’s never liked me. I bet she’s pleased I’m losing Courtney.’

I sat on the bed beside Jade and rested my hand reassuringly on her shoulder. Courtney was in her cot watching her mother, her eyes rounded with apprehension at Jade’s crying.

‘I’m sure Tyler’s mother does like you,’ I said. ‘But adopting a baby is a huge commitment, especially when your own children are grown up. Not everyone wants to start all over again with sleepless nights, nappies and bottles.’

‘You do!’ Jade sobbed.

‘Yes, but I’m odd,’ I said.

My small stab at humour helped a little. Jade stopped sobbing and raised her tear-stained face. ‘Oh, Cathy, what am I going to do? I don’t want to lose Courtney. I love her.’

‘I know you do, love.’

She sat up in bed and slipped her arms around my waist and hugged me tightly. It was the first proper cuddle we’d had. I felt sad that it had taken this tragedy to finally bring us together. I held her close and stroked her hair until her tears subsided.

Then I gently asked: ‘Jade, do you think I could have helped you more – for example, by being firmer? I did what I thought was right but now I’m not sure.’

Jade gave a small shrug, and without raising her head from my shoulder or moving her arms away from hugging me, she said: ‘Na. I didn’t listen to me mum, so I wasn’t going to listen to you.’ Which, while easing my conscience a little, did nothing to help Jade’s situation.

After a moment she raised her head and looked into my eyes, child-like and imploring. ‘What am I going to do, Cathy?’

I shook my head and held her close. I didn’t have any suggestions; I didn’t know how you prepared a mother for losing her baby.

We held each other for a while longer – in silent desperation – and then Jade moved away. Taking a tissue from the box, she blew her nose and wiped her eyes. ‘Ty will be here soon,’ she said. ‘He’s on the bus now.’

I smiled sadly. ‘Try to make the most of your time together,’ I said. ‘He’ll be feeling as bad as you, so don’t mention his mother’s decision unless he does. Just try and enjoy your time with Courtney. I’ll take more photographs and mount them in a special album for you.’ I stopped as a lump rose to my throat and my eyes filled.

Tyler arrived ten minutes later and Jade let him in. Having said a brief hello in the hall they came through to the sitting room, where the children and I were watching a DVD. Courtney was in her bouncing cradle, also ‘watching’ the television. Tyler said hi to us and then scooped up his daughter and sat with her on his lap, kissing and cuddling her, and telling her how beautiful she was, which he continued to do for most of the evening, while Jade sat next to him and watched. It was touching and upsetting to see, but it wasn’t until Adrian and Paula had gone to bed that Tyler spoke of the social services’ plans for his daughter.

‘Rachel visited me and Mum last night,’ he said. ‘She said we’ll be able to have contact with Courtney when she leaves here and goes to the “baby” foster carers. She said it will be supervised contact at a family centre, but we’ll be able to see Courtney right up until when she goes to her adoptive parents.’

I nodded. I realized Tyler was trying to be positive (just as Rachel must have been when she’d told him), but prolonging contact seemed to me an additional torture. What was the point in Tyler and Jade continuing to see their daughter and bond with her if in a few months she was going to be adopted, after which they would never see her again?

‘Mum says she’s sorry she can’t have Courtney,’ Tyler added, glancing at Jade. ‘She said to tell you she feels bad and she’s sorry things haven’t worked out, but she can’t bring up a baby and work full time.’

Jade didn’t say anything but I could see Tyler was hoping for her understanding. ‘Your mum mustn’t feel bad,’ I said. ‘Jade’s mum is in the same position.’ For everyone had assumed, correctly, that Jackie couldn’t look after Courtney, as she had enough to cope with bringing up her own family and working part time.

Tyler looked at me gratefully. ‘Rachel says there are hundreds of couples who will want to adopt Courtney,’ he said, trying to stay positive. ‘So Courtney will have a lovely home, and her new family will love her as much as we do.’

I felt so sorry for Tyler, who was making such a big effort to be positive and was clearly struggling to keep his emotions under control.

‘I don’t want to talk about it any more,’ Jade said quietly.

So we didn’t.

Tyler continued to cuddle Courtney and I changed the subject by asking him how his studying was going.

I thought we might see a lot of Tyler over the weekend, as it would be the last weekend the three of them would be together. But later, as Tyler stood to leave, he told Jade he planned to revise over the weekend, as his exams started the following week, but he’d phone her. I could see Jade was disappointed and was about to say something, but perhaps remembering my previous advice about supporting Tyler’s studies, she stopped. However, I did wonder how much of Tyler not seeing Jade and Courtney was studying and how much was Tyler’s way of coping; perhaps he was starting to distance himself from Courtney in preparation for their inevitable separation.

We had ignored Courtney’s usual routine that Friday evening and had kept her up so that Tyler could spend time with her, but once he’d gone – just before 10.00 p.m. – Jade said to me: ‘I’m so tired, Cathy, I have to go to bed. Can you see to Courtney?’

‘Yes, love,’ I agreed without hesitation. I doubted my helping Jade to parent Courtney now would make any difference to the outcome of Monday’s meeting.

So while Jade got ready for bed I changed Courtney, then waited up and gave her the late-night bottle. When I took her up to her cot Jade was in bed with her eyes closed, although I had the feeling she wasn’t asleep. I didn’t say anything to her, as I could understand why she didn’t want to talk, so having settled Courtney in her cot I crept out and closed the bedroom door.

The following morning I was woken by the sound of Courtney crying. I stayed in bed, expecting Jade to get up and give Courtney her bottle, which she had been doing straightaway recently. But when Courtney’s cries continued I threw on my dressing gown and went round to Jade’s room.

‘Jade, Courtney needs her bottle,’ I said, going to the cot and picking up Courtney to stop her from crying.’ It was 6.00 and a Saturday morning, and Adrian and Paula were still asleep.

There was no reply from Jade, so I went over to the bed and gently shook her shoulder. ‘Courtney needs feeding, love,’ I said.

‘You do it,’ she said groggily from beneath the duvet.

‘Why? Are you ill?’

‘No. I just don’t want to feed her.’

I hesitated, wondering if I should insist, but Courtney was fretting for her bottle, so I carried her downstairs to the kitchen, where I warmed the bottle, and then went through to the sitting room, where I fed her. She grinned and gurgled as she suckled, her clear blue eyes lighting up with pleasure. She was such a happy and contented baby and so easy to look after. I felt the emotion rise within me and knew I needed to start distancing myself too. She took the bottle of milk quickly and I returned upstairs to Jade’s room. Part of Courtney’s morning routine was that once Jade had fed and changed her she kept her amused until she gave her some solid food for breakfast at about 8.00 a.m.

Jade was still in bed when I went into her room, facing away and under the duvet. She made no attempt to get up as I entered. ‘I’ve fed her,’ I said. ‘Are you going to get up now and look after her?’

There was silence and I waited by the bed. Then Jade said: ‘I don’t want to look after her. I can’t bear it. She’s not my baby any more.’

I heard Jade’s rejection and understood what she meant. I sat on the bed, with Courtney on my lap, and placed one hand on Jade’s shoulder. I was thinking fast, trying to find the words to help.

‘Jade, love,’ I began gently, ‘Courtney will always be your daughter, even if she doesn’t live with you and is adopted. You and Tyler will always be her natural parents, and be part of her. No one can change that. She will grow up to look like both of you, and many of her characteristics will be yours and Tyler’s. I know it’s difficult now, love, I really do. I’ve fostered children before who’ve had to say goodbye to their parents. I’ve seen the pain and anguish of those parents, their suffering, when they have to say goodbye to their children. I know. But try to take some comfort, as they did, from knowing that Courtney will be loved and cherished. She will be well looked after and want for nothing.’ I stopped and swallowed hard. Jade didn’t move or say anything.

‘I don’t know what else to say,’ I said. ‘But I think you should get up now and look after Courtney. Lying here won’t help. You have the whole weekend with Courtney, so try and make the most of it.’ But my words sounded as flat to me as they must have done to Jade.

‘There’s no point,’ she said after a moment, from beneath the duvet. ‘I’m not going to see her grow up, she may as well go now.’

‘Courtney wants you to get up,’ I tried. She was reaching out and trying to grab hold of the top of the duvet and pull it from Jade’s head.

‘I don’t want her,’ Jade said, her voice breaking. ‘Take her away, please, and leave me alone. I’ve been up all night watching her sleep. I can’t take any more. Please do as I say, Cathy, please.’

Overwhelmed and fighting back my own tears, I stood. ‘All right, love. I understand,’ I said quickly, and began towards the door. Courtney gave a little cry at leaving her mother. ‘Come down when you’re ready.’ I said. ‘Don’t stay up here all by yourself.’

Leaving Jade, I felt utterly wretched, upset and at a loss to know how to help her. I went into my bedroom, where I laid Courtney safely on my bed so that I could dress. I’d have a shower later when Courtney had her nap, but for now I needed to get the day started and continue as normal as far a possible for Adrian’s and Paula’s sakes.

Once I was dressed I gave Courtney her bath and then took her downstairs for her breakfast. Adrian and Paula joined me shortly before 9.00 and, expecting to see Jade, asked where she was. I said she wasn’t feeling well and that I was looking after Courtney until she felt better, which wasn’t so far from the truth.

Jade finally left her room when it was time for Courtney to go into her cot for her morning nap, not because she was feeling ‘better’ but because it was too painful for her to be in the same room as Courtney now that their days together were limited. Downstairs, Jade sat on the sofa and stared out of the open French windows to where Adrian and Paula were playing in the garden. I tried to talk to her about how she was feeling but she didn’t want to, so I tried to make light conversation just to break the silence – wasn’t it nice to see the sun, etc. – but she wasn’t interested in my chatter, and who could blame her?

Jade refused lunch, saying she wasn’t hungry, but made herself a sandwich in the afternoon while Courtney had her afternoon nap. Indeed the only time Jade was downstairs was when Courtney had her two naps; the rest of the time she was in her bedroom so that she didn’t have to see her daughter. I suggested to her we could all go to the park, as it was such a nice day, but she said: ‘You go if you want and take Courtney but I’ll stay here.’

I wasn’t going to leave Jade alone in the house when she was so clearly depressed, so Adrian and Paula continued to play in the garden while I looked after Courtney. I thought again it would have been better if Rachel had taken Courtney on Thursday rather than prolonging the agony until Tuesday. Jade didn’t want any dinner and when I took Courtney up to settle her for the night she asked me if I could put the cot in my room, as she couldn’t bear to spend another night watching her.

‘If it will help,’ I agreed sadly and very worried.

Jade nodded glumly. ‘Yes please.’

I called to Adrian and Paula to help me, explaining that Jade still wasn’t feeling very well so Courtney was sleeping in my room for now. Paula sat on the bed with Jade and looked after Courtney while Adrian helped upend the cot so that we could manoeuvre it through the doorway. We carried it round the landing and into my room, where we set it beside my bed, I made up the cot with the sheet and blanket and returned to Jade’s room to collect Courtney.

‘I hope Jade feels better tomorrow,’ Paula said to me as we settled Courtney in her cot.

‘So do I,’ I agreed, although I couldn’t see how she would.

That night Courtney was very restless, probably because she was in an unfamiliar room, and I had to resettle her every couple of hours. She had been sleeping through the night. The following morning she slept later, until 7.00, when I gave her a bottle and then returned her to her cot while I showered and dressed. I checked on Jade. She was awake but didn’t want to get up and help. When it was nearly time for Courtney’s breakfast I went into Jade’s room again and asked her if she wanted to give Courtney her breakfast, but she didn’t; so I began a second day of being totally responsible for Courtney’s care.

When Adrian and Paula came down to breakfast Paula asked: ‘Is Jade still ill?’

‘I’m afraid so,’ I said.

‘What’s the matter with her?’ Adrian asked.

I felt like saying a broken heart, but instead I said ‘upset stomach’, to which they could both relate, although I suspected Adrian knew there was more to it than that.

Sunday followed a similar pattern to Saturday, with Jade staying in her room for most of the day to avoid seeing Courtney, which she would have found too upsetting. I appreciated it was Jade’s way of coping and trying to loosen the bond between her and her daughter in preparation for her going on Tuesday, and part of me felt that was no bad thing. I had begun to imagine a dreadful, dreadful scene in which Rachel had to forcibly prise Courtney out of Jade’s arms, which I knew did happen sometimes when a baby was removed from its mother. I tried to imagine how I would cope in Jade’s situation but it was impossible – some things are just too awful to picture.