Pleasure in the Rain (9 page)

I don’t know that I ever remember seeing my mama blush, but she’s blushing now. And there’s a light in her eyes that gives me the answer before she even says the words.

“Maybe.
But honey, I’m not looking past today. I’m not even looking as far as tomorrow. For now, we’re just enjoying each other’s company, and that’s all.”

“In a romantic way,” I tease.

Mama’s cheeks light up again even as she says, “It’s nice to hear a smile in your voice. And you look absolutely beautiful tonight.”

“Thank you.” I smooth a hand across the front of my dress. “You don’t think it’s too fancy for me?”

“I think it’s perfect for you. Do you know how proud I am of you?” She reaches out to pull me to her, hugs me tight. “Promise me something.”

“What?” I ask.

“That you’ll let yourself enjoy this, that you won’t feel guilty about it. You worked hard to get where you are. Anybody who knows you knows that.”

“Thank you, Mama,” I say, a crack in my voice.

“All right, then,” she says, smoothing her hand across my hair. “I’ve monopolized you enough. You need to get back out there and enjoy your party.”

“It wouldn’t have been the same without you here. I’m so glad that Case came to get you.”

“Me, too, honey. Me, too.”

"The two of you. . .it's really nice."

Her answering smile makes me happy in a way I haven't felt in a long time.

♪

CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE

Holden

Thomas and I are standing in a circle, talking with some people who work at the label. Case walks up and steps into the group. He makes small talk with the ones he obviously knows, then looks at me, saying, “Have you got a minute, Holden?”

“Ah, sure,” I say. Thomas raises an eyebrow at me. I have to admit I’m wondering what this is about.

Case leads the way. I follow him through the foyer and out the main door of the house. It’s dark now, and the lights shining out from the windows throw shadows across the huge old boxwoods. We follow a rock walkway to a bench where Case sits down. I take the spot beside him. His phone buzzes. He pulls it from his pocket, turns off the volume and then sticks it back again.

“How you doin’, Holden?” he asks.

“Fine,” I say. “How about you?”

“Some good days.
Some bad days,” he admits.

“I can’t imagine how hard it’s been.”

“Holden, you were as much a victim as any of us.”

I start to reply, but not knowing what to say, I just nod once.

“Are you and CeCe seeing each other?”

His question surprises me, and at first, I’m not sure how to answer. “No, we’re not,” I finally say.

“Why?”

“I don’t really know the answer to that.”

“Is it because of Beck?”

“I think it’s really just everything that happened. I guess it’s been more than any of us could make sense of.”

 “Here’s the thing, son. Life’s short. We hear it all our lives, but none of us really get it until we lose someone precious to us. We don’t get a second go around. If I didn’t know that before, I know it now.”

I nod once, not trusting my voice to respond.

“Her mama’s worried about her,” Case says then. “I told her I would speak to you. Neither one of us wants to overstep our bounds, but here’s how I see it. A whole lot of things got broken that night. Whatever it is that you and CeCe have, that doesn’t need to be one of them.”

I consider this for a few moments and then say, “To be honest with you, Case, I’m not sure I have a lot of say in that.”

“If you want her bad enough, then I guess you’re gonna have to be willing to fight for her, son. Even if she’s the person you’re fighting.”

“You’re a good man, Case. I hope people tell you that a lot.”

“Got a lot of sins to make up for,” he says with a half-smile.

He stands then. “I’d better let you get back to the party. They’ll be wondering where you are.”

I stand and stick my hand out, “Thanks, Case. I mean it. For everything. You’ve been incredible to us. We wouldn’t be here tonight if it weren’t for you.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. Real talent will always find its way to the top. You three have definitely got that.”

“That means everything coming from you.”

We walk back inside, and just as we step through the door, I see CeCe talking with Michael Parker. Parker currently has a number one song. It doesn’t take a genius to get that he’s into her.

Case tips his head in their direction, raising an eyebrow. “See. You’d better get on it, son.”

I decide then and there that I’m going to take his advice.

♪

CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX

CeCe

Michael Parker is telling me about the ranch he grew up on in West Texas and how he used to write music out in the pastures by himself, using the cows as his audience.

He laughs and says, “You know, I actually feel guilty about that now. They were really bad songs.”

I laugh, too, and the sound is completely unexpected to me. He’s not exactly the way the few articles I’ve seen about him described him as being. He’s down-to-earth, and unlike a lot of guys I’ve met who’ve started to hit it big, doesn’t seem to feel the need to recite his list of accomplishments to date.

Holden walks up and drops a cool nod at Michael.

“Hey, man,” he says.

“Holden.
Hey, buddy,” Michael says, sticking out his hand. “Congrats on the record. Everybody’s expecting big stuff from y’all.”

“Thanks,” Holden says evenly. “I appreciate it. Congratulations to you.”

Michael smiles without any evidence of arrogance or pride. “Gotta say it feels about as good as they tell you it’ll feel, hitting that number one spot. But I expect y’all are gonna find that out soon enough. Could you give me a few weeks to enjoy the ride before you knock me out?”

Holden looks like he’s having trouble believing that could ever be the case and, honestly, so am I.

“I don’t think you have to worry,” Holden says.

“Don’t underestimate yourselves. Once this roller coaster starts picking up momentum, it kind of takes on a life of its own. My head’s still spinning from everything that’s happened with us. Some days me and the guys in the band can’t believe we’re not playing frat nights back in Texas.”

Silence takes over the conversation, and the three of us stand for a few moments while I start to feel uncomfortable.

Michael’s expression has gone serious when he says, “I hope y’all know how glad everybody is that you’re here tonight. You sure as hell deserve it after everything that happened–”

“CeCe, I need to speak with you for a moment if I could?” Holden says, interrupting Michael. Truthfully, I’m glad, although I do feel a little guilty about the quick flash of hurt in Michael’s eyes.

“All right, then,” he says, taking a step back. “CeCe, I hope to see you again real soon.”

The fact that he hasn’t included Holden in the statement rains another shower of awkwardness down on us.

“You, too, Michael,” I say.

To my surprise, Holden takes my hand. Linking his fingers through mine, he leads me across the crowded room, weaving and winding, “Excuse me, pardon me, sorry,” all the way until we reach the terrace doors again where Mama and I had gone out to talk. He pulls me outside. The cool night air assaults the heat in my cheeks with a feeble attempt at relief.

“What in the world, Holden?” I round on him, the skirt of my dress swishing out in an arc.

“Is he where you’re headed next?” he asks.

“Michael?”

“Michael.”

“We were just talking, Holden.”

I fold my arms across my chest and stand straight and stiff, as if preparing myself for an assault. He watches me, and even in the dim light of the terrace I see emotion darkening his eyes.

“That night when Thomas came home drunk, I thought you and I were on our way back to finding each other. But you shut me out again, and I’ve let you do it because I thought it was what you needed.”

“Holden-”

“CeCe, in that hotel room in D.C.
I told you I loved you. And you said you loved me, too. When we said those words to each other, we had no way of knowing what was going to happen that night. But as bad as it was, as horrible as the months afterward have been, none of it changed how I feel about you, because I meant every word I said. Every word. Did you?”

I hear the pain in his voice and guilt tightens my throat. I don’t want to lie and say that I didn’t mean it because I did. “I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to love you, Holden. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to love anyone.”

“What does that mean?” he says, a broken note in his voice.

“That love is risk. That a person has to be fearless to love the way I felt when I fell in love with you.” A sob rises up out of my throat completely unexpected. “I’m not fearless anymore, Holden. I’m the opposite of fearless. I’m terrified. If the wind catches the door and slams it hard, I jump. I’m afraid to go to the mall by myself. I hate how I am now, but I don’t know how to change it! I don’t know how to fix it!”

He reaches out, and cupping his hand to the back of my neck, slowly pulls me toward him. “Then, baby, let me help you.”

In that moment, I’ve never wanted anything more. Holden snags my waist and reels me closer. I tip my head back and look up at him. For the first time in so long, I look directly into his eyes, not trying to hide anything, simply letting him see everything I’m feeling: the love that is still there for him, but also the pain that I can’t seem to come to terms with.

“CeCe,” he says, and I hear in his voice how much he wants to take it from me onto himself. I know he would if he could. I think in this moment, if I could, I would let him.

He leans in then, kissing me softly and with incredible tenderness. I feel my heart quicken inside me. I close my eyes and let myself kiss him back. The kiss is sweet and full of longing, both of us echoing the other’s need.

Here in Holden’s arms, I wonder if I can actually begin to feel safe again, if the fears that constantly gnaw at me will finally start to lose their knife-edge.

He takes a step back from me, reaches in his pocket and pulls out a small black velvet box. I want to tell him to stop, and at the same time, I desperately want him to open it.

“I had this with me on the night of the shooting. I planned to give it to you after the party. I've been carrying it around ever since. I don’t know if I would have found the courage to do this if it weren’t for the things Case just said to me. He reminded me that none of us knows how long we’re going to be here, that time isn’t something we should waste.”

“Holden,” I start, but he raises a hand to stop me.

“Please. Let me say this. You might not ever feel the same about me again. But even if you don’t, I meant everything I said to you. I love you. I think I have pretty much from the first moment I saw you. That morning in D.C., it became so clear to me that there are two things I can’t live without in this world. You. And music. It used to be just the music. Now, there’s no separating you from it or it from you. The truth is I don’t want to. Everything that’s happening here tonight is what we’ve all dreamed of. But without you, without us, it just feels flat. If I’m not able to share it with you, I’m pretty sure I don’t even want it anymore.”

“Holden, I-”

“Wait,” he says, opening the box. The ring winks in the moonlight.

He removes it from the velvet setting and holds it up in front of me. “I need to know that I’ve done everything I can not to let you go. So I’m going to ask you what’s in my heart.”

I want to stop him, fear I can’t control, can’t even explain, pounding through me. “When I said I love you that morning,” I say, “I meant it, too. But what happened that night has made me wonder if there’s anything in this life that really can be trusted. The next moment, the next hour. If I reach out and take your hand with the intent of walking toward a future together, how do we know that there’s any tomorrow?”

“Baby, we don’t,” Holden says, his voice low and compassionate. “There are no guarantees. There’s just now and what we make of it or what we throw away. Don’t throw us away, CeCe. Please.”

A sob catches in my throat, and I’m suddenly crying. I want so badly to give myself over to the comfort I know I’ll find in Holden’s arms. I’m still not convinced I deserve it. But I want it, need it.

He reaches out and cups his hand at the base of my neck. “Baby, come here,” he says.

And with that, just that, the ribbon of resistance inside me snaps. I fall into him as if he is the only safe haven left for me on this earth. I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face against his chest.

He lifts me up and into him, his arms so tight around me that I am sure he will never let me go. “CeCe,” he says, my name torn from him. “Thank God.”

His hands are in my hair, tilting my head back so that I’m looking up at him. We stare into each other’s eyes, both wet with tears.

He leans in and kisses me then. I kiss him back with every ounce of the love I feel for him. A love that took root inside me and has never let go.

He backs me across the terrace, lifts me up, all the while kissing me, and sets me on the stonewall at its edge. He slides my dress up to the top of my thighs and steps in between my legs.

I pull him to me. We kiss until we are both breathless with need for each other.

Holden slips my dress off one shoulder, his mouth making a heated trail across my neck and the top of my breasts.

I drop my head back and stare up at the night sky even as I’m trying to pull in air. “Holden,” I say.

“Yeah?”

“That ring. Is it still available?”

He slowly leans back, his love-drugged eyes snagging mine. “It is. Any special reason you’re asking?”

“Yes,” I say.

“Yes?”

“Yes.” I smile at him then. He kisses me, full and deep, at the same time reaching into his jacket pocket and pulling out the box. He doesn’t stop kissing me as he pops open the lid and pulls out the diamond. Not even as he slides it on the finger of my left hand.

It slips over my knuckle, and something inside me clicks into place, like the final correct selection of a safe’s combination. I feel the rightness of it. And know this part I will never have to question.