Poison Heart (6 page)

I gulped. That wasn’t what I’d intended to say. I meant to mutter something about Genevieve flirting. Admitting to this was my darkest fear, the worst thing I could imagine.

Mum gave a derisory laugh and my heart sank. ‘You teenage girls are so dramatic. You both like the same boy, and you think it’s the end of the world.’

‘It’s more than that,’ I glowered.

Mum knelt on the carpet at my feet, warming herself in front of the roaring fire because it had begun to get chilly in the evenings. I always loved our real coal fire, but it was usually too much of an effort to light so we’d just plug in an ugly electric heater when the temperature dropped. For the first time in ages I could stare deep into the flames, searching for shapes in the same way I used to do when I was little. But even here I couldn’t escape from Genevieve – the flickers reminded me of her glorious red hair.

‘If he’s that keen on you, Katy, then he won’t betray you. But don’t drive him away with your jealousy. Jealousy is a poison that will destroy, you not her.’

I was barely listening. ‘The weirdest thing is … she’s everything I could be but I’m not.’

Mum gently shook my arm. ‘What does that mean?’

‘We’re about the same height,’ I said, scowling, ‘but she looks willowy because she’s so slim, and we’ve got the same colouring but her skin is disgustingly luminous, and our hair is the same shade but hers is silkily gorgeous …’

‘You have your own beauty, Katy, and people like you for what you are.’

‘I just want everything to stay the same,’ I replied wistfully.

I didn’t want to add that it’d taken me years to feel that I finally belonged somewhere. I was always an outsider who never could make friends, but during my final year at school I’d grown closer to Nat and Hannah and now, unbelievably, there was Merlin in my life as well. Deep down, I had suspected it was too good to be true. Mum hadn’t finished with the sermon.

‘You’ll always meet people you don’t see eye to eye with – just think of it as one of life’s little lessons.’

‘I don’t want to,’ I said in a sulk. ‘I just want her to go as far away from me as possible … preferably to the other side of the world.’

Mum finally lost her temper with me. ‘Katy,’ she scolded, ‘you’ve always had such compassion for people,
especially those without the same advantages in life. I really think it’s you who has the problem, not this girl Genevieve.’

I sat quietly for a moment digesting this uncomfortable accusation. Was Mum right? Genevieve had done nothing except let me keep an attractive pendant that she could have charged me for. She didn’t have any family and had endured things that I couldn’t even imagine. Shame washed over me as I realized how jealous and vindictive I must appear.

‘This really isn’t you,’ Mum added, but more gently this time. ‘If dating Merlin is going to turn you into the kind of girl who would shun a vulnerable teenager then … maybe he isn’t the one for you.’

‘He
is
the one for me, but …’ I bit my tongue and didn’t whine again about Genevieve flirting with Merlin. This was probably all in my head too. And Mum was right. This lack of feeling
wasn’t
me at all, it was totally out of character.

‘You have to trust Merlin, Katy. You can’t cage someone you love.’

At that moment Mum seemed to crumple before my eyes. I put my arms around her and found tears wet on my neck.

‘I’m sorry,’ she apologized. ‘I don’t know what came over me.’

Her grip tightened on me and it felt claustrophobic, as if I couldn’t breathe. I pretended not to notice that the skin around her nails was red and angry. Mum had this obsessive-compulsive disorder and could chew her fingers
until they bled. Usually it made me feel sad, but today I was oddly annoyed. I wanted her to comfort
me
, not the other way round.

‘If I thought I would ever lose you, Katy … it would break my heart.’

‘Why would you lose me?’ I asked, puzzled.

She smiled wanly, trying to collect herself. ‘Things happen … random things that change everything.’

‘It can’t change you being my mum.’ I laughed.

Mum ran one hand through her limp hair, a pained expression on her face. ‘I didn’t want things to turn out this way,’ she said eventually. ‘I wanted to be the best mother ever, to always be there for you and protect you.’

I tried to reassure her. ‘You are the best … honestly.’

There was a catch in her voice. ‘You deserve a beautiful life … full of fun and laughter, new experiences and travel. Not burdened with me, a prisoner in this house.’

For a moment I had a glimpse of another woman, one I barely remembered, who was vibrant and lived for the day. I didn’t know when it all changed because she seemed to have been this way forever. But I couldn’t let this opportunity pass. We so rarely had a heart to heart that it could be the break I’d been waiting for.

‘The doctors say only you can change the way you are,’ I urged. ‘There’s help available – you just have to take it.’

Mum spoke so quietly that I had to bend my ear towards her mouth. ‘I’ve tried so hard, but something holds me back … a dark cloud hanging over me.’

‘What is it?’

She shook her head regretfully. ‘Memories, I suppose …’

‘Maybe … if you share them … they won’t seem so bad.’

Her eyes closed and she slumped in the chair. ‘One day I will tell you, and I know you’ll understand … but not yet.’

I was disappointed but tried not to show it. Every so often a small window would open but then close just as quickly.

‘I will make an effort, Katy. I’ll go back to the doctor and take his advice … promise.’

‘That’s a start,’ I answered flatly.

‘Let’s toast some muffins,’ she suggested, a little too brightly.

I nodded my head and tried to look enthusiastic. Gemma, our marmalade-coloured cat, was asleep in her basket, and I moved over to stroke her. The claws of one of her front paws grazed my hand and then retracted. I knew what this meant – Gemma was letting me know she was the boss and, if it suited her, she’d scratch me without any remorse because she had no conscience. With complete disdain she opened her beautiful liquid eyes, glared at me and closed them again. I swallowed hard, trying not to remember another pair of green eyes that could appear just as unnerving.

Mum came from the kitchen with the packet of muffins,
spearing one with an ancient toasting fork. Soon the smell of burnt bread filled the room. I did feel a little closer to her now, but it was tinged with frustration. She’d hinted at fears, regrets and black clouds oppressing her, but not told me why. Part of me was always afraid that this depression was genetic and I would end up seeing the world through Mum’s eyes.

She was right about one thing though – I had to trust Merlin and lighten up over Genevieve. Merlin thought we’d have loads in common, and maybe he was right. Mum chatted as we ate, warm butter running down our chins, while I wondered just what had happened in her past to make her stop living.

The dream still haunted me – parts of it familiar, parts of it changing. Tonight I was forced to climb the interminable stairs, but when I eventually reached the top Genevieve wasn’t there and I frantically looked around, wondering where she could be hiding. I edged closer to the dressing table and her face was inside the mirror, her eyes magnified and all-seeing. She beckoned to me and I was unable to resist. As my fingers touched the glass it turned to liquid and circular ripples appeared, spreading outwards. I was being sucked into a deep, dark pool. I screamed at Genevieve to help, but she simply watched in horrible fascination. Only when the last bubble left my mouth did she smile.

Resolution number one: Genevieve deserved to be given a chance and I could afford to be generous. Resolution number two: I would ensure that my jealousy was kept under control. Resolution number three: Merlin was unbelievably special and nothing was going to spoil that.

These were my thoughts as I determinedly walked to college on Monday morning. Jealousy
was
a destructive emotion and I had to rise above it. I quickened my pace as I noticed Nat and Hannah waiting on the corner of the main road by the pelican crossing. The wind was really gusty and Hannah frantically held on to her flared skirt, which made me laugh. I grinned at Nat, waiting for the teasing comments about Merlin, but for no apparent reason she seemed to be studying a concrete bollard and could barely look me in the eye. When she did, her face was sheepish.

‘There’s something you need to know …’

I waited for her to begin, sensing something was amiss.

‘W-we didn’t do it on purpose,’ she stammered. ‘When
you left with Merlin she came over and began talking. We ended up showing her around.’

Hannah joined in. ‘It was awkward. We couldn’t get away, and then she kept saying how horrible it was because she didn’t know anyone and would have no one to go to lunch with.’

I didn’t have to ask who they were talking about; it was obvious. ‘So Genevieve invited herself to lunch, with us?’

They both nodded. We walked up the steps together and went into the ladies’. I was glad because we wouldn’t be overheard in here.

‘It would’ve been rude to say no,’ Hannah apologized. ‘But we know you think she’s a bit of a … witch.’

I leaned against a washbasin and tried to control myself. Somehow I’d imagined myself being magnanimous and inviting Genevieve to join us now and then, not the other way round. This felt a little underhand. She’d waited until I had gone to move in on Hannah and Nat. The reality of her presence hit me anew – she’d wheedled a place in the same college as me, was taking the same subjects, Merlin’s mum adored her, and now my closest friends had been targeted.

‘Did she ask you?’ I said curiously. ‘Did she come up to you and expect to be shown around?’

They nodded again.

‘This sounds a bit paranoid,’ I admitted, ‘but it feels as if she’s kind of … invading my life.’

Hannah’s voice held a definite hint of reproof. ‘This is
really uncomfortable for us, Katy. You
are
our friend, and we’re stuck in the middle.’

Nat began to fix her hair in the mirror, which was just a distraction because, as usual, it was sticking up everywhere like a bird’s nest. ‘She knows you don’t like her—’

‘What?’ I exploded. ‘I haven’t said anything to make her think that.’

Hannah rummaged in her make-up bag and applied even more mascara to her thick lashes. They were both so quiet that I knew this wasn’t going well. I bit my lip so hard I could taste blood.

Nat cleared her throat nervously. ‘She thought you were a bit … hostile and was worried she’d done something wrong. She wants to make amends.’

I felt a pain right between my eyes and placed one hand across my forehead. Genevieve wasn’t wrong. I’d done nothing to put her at her ease, and she had undoubtedly picked up on my antagonism.

‘What
did
you say to her?’ Hannah asked softly.

I paced up and down the tiled floor, my shoes making an eerie hollow sound.

‘I was a little … annoyed about her appearance,’ I finally confessed. ‘Did you notice how much it’s changed?’

Hannah shrugged her shoulders. ‘Kind of. But so what? Everyone changes their look from time to time and …’

‘She’s wearing
my
coat,’ I interrupted. ‘The one I designed, hand-stitched and embroidered myself.’

‘But, Katy,’ Nat replied slowly, ‘Genevieve only just
arrived. She couldn’t have copied your coat in such a short time.’

I was dumbstruck because she was right. That coat had taken me the whole of the summer holidays to painstakingly make. No one could have reproduced it so quickly. I looked from one face to the other feeling mortified. I had to show them that I didn’t have a problem with Genevieve. I tried to slow down my breathing and appear unconcerned and reasonable.

‘Look, I’ll prove I have nothing against Genevieve. Let her come to lunch with us and I’ll make her really welcome.’

Hannah’s face lit up with relief. ‘You’ll change your mind when you spend time with her. She really is OK.’

‘Considering what she’s been through,’ Nat put in sympathetically.

So Genevieve had told
them
her life story as well. Far from it being a secret, she wanted everyone to know about her tragic past. I tried to speak normally, but my mouth felt as if it was full of sour lemons. ‘I know the heart-rending Orphan Annie story already … she’s told Merlin, and probably the whole college by now.’

There was an astonished silence. Nat managed to croak, ‘Katy … you sound so spiteful.’

My face reddened. ‘Sorry, I don’t mean to be horrible but … she seems to bring out the worst in me.’

It was an awful admission to make and I felt thoroughly ashamed – again. I smiled weakly. ‘Sorry again. Let’s
not fall out over Genevieve. We’re the three musketeers, remember?’

We all walked to our respective classes and I pretended not to hear Hannah quietly point out, ‘Technically there were four musketeers.’

Trying to get away from Genevieve was like trying to run from wildfire. She arrived breathlessly, a whirl of colour and movement, when the lesson was already under way, receiving only a gracious smile from our usually stern English teacher. I was relieved when she sat on the other side of the room, but no matter which way I turned she was in my line of vision. I craved quiet, to soothe the headache which had begun pulsating behind my left eye, but she volunteered to answer nearly every question in an irritatingly nonchalant way that had Mrs Hudson eating out of her hand. Her voice grated on me. The horrible truth filtered through that not only was Genevieve prettier, more outgoing and confident than me, but she was streets ahead of me in all the subjects that I loved. I began to feel physically sick. After twenty minutes my vision blurred and there were flashing lights going off in my head. I stood up shakily, mumbled an apology and headed back to the ladies’.

Afterwards, bending over the sink and splashing my face with cold water made me feel slightly better. When I straightened up I almost screamed with fright because Genevieve was directly behind me, her face reflected in
the mirror like in my dreams. My bag fell on to the hard floor and all the contents spilled out, but I didn’t feel up to bending down to retrieve them. It was left to Genevieve to crouch on one knee and scoop everything back in.