Pop Tarts: Omnibus Edition (2 page)

Felix is
forlorn. He can sing, he’s got star quality and he’s managed to
retain his somewhat youthful good looks – this despite two decades
of chronic alcohol abuse and nigh on a thousand tri-sexual lovers,
as in he’ll try anything once, and usually two or three times, just
to make sure.

“But I wrote
some new material,” he declares. Actually it sounds more like
pleading. And then he suddenly breaks out into song:

“When I first
saw her, my heart skipped a beat, I grew seven inches, I dropped my
shredded wheat, her hair was golden, her eyes emerald green, to
avoid her beauty, you would need a vaccine…”

Max interrupts,
looking around in embarrassment. “Very good Felix,” he says. “But
would Patience and Rule the World have been as big hits as solo
singles?”

Felix is
feeling despondent. He looks down at the worn carpet like a scolded
child told he isn’t getting any pocket money this week. I could
swear there was a pet lip out as well.

“We have to get
the band back together, Felix,” Max says. “It’s what the public
wants.”

“But I haven’t
spoken to Holly or the others since 1988,” Felix declares, and he’s
definitely declaring this time.

“Bands are all
the rage now,” Max responds. “And everyone loves a flashback to the
80s. What exactly happened that was so bad anyway?”

Felix has a
flashback of his own to numerous newspaper headlines that spelt the
end for the band:

Tequila Sun
Love Triangle.

Felix beds both
Holly and Cherry.

Holly and
Cherry at war over Felix.

Shocker! Cherry
is a man!

Tri-sexual
lothario Felix in threesome with midget and blow up goat.

Tequila Sun
sets.

“Anyway I’ve
booked the band into Rainbow nightclub on the 27
^th
so
you have a few weeks to find the girls. Oh and whatshisname too,”
Max says referring to Rhino Zagreb, the 4
^th
, remaining
and other male member of the band.

“It’s up to you
my friend. Would you prefer to go back to The Pig & Whistle
working men’s club in Grimsby? Play your cards right and a new
record deal could be in the bag.”

A week has
passed and Felix is in the local supermarket, getting his weekly
groceries in. He’s depressed because he hasn’t been recognised in
at least three aisles and is worried his relit star is already
fading.

He notices his
old flop solo album on special offer and while trying to get his
head round the fact it’s in the buy none get two free section, his
mobile phone rings.

“Felix its Max.
Any luck?” Max asks, referring to his request that Felix find and
reconcile with his former band mates.

“Not a sausage
mate,” Felix replies. “I’ve used all my contacts up, called in
every favour and was up till 4 in the morning scouring Facebook. I
even hired a private detective.”

“Well you only
have until next weekend,” Max warns. “Otherwise it’s back to
playing your own lookalike in a tribute band.”

Max hangs up.
Felix continues shopping in a zombie like trance, picking up some
Shredded Wheat then getting the shock of his life when he sees the
attractive lady on the checkout. It’s Ms Holly Wood!

It’s also been
almost a quarter of a century. How quickly time flies, even when
you’re not having fun. Last time he saw Holly she was a pussycat.
Now she’s a fully grown cougar. But he still would of course.

Old feelings
come rushing back and suddenly the new song he has been writing
comes to life in an epic 80s style video with real life
accompanying every line:

Verse 1: When I
first saw her my heart skipped a beat (his chest bulges.)

I grew seven
inches, I dropped my shredded wheat (he does, his trousers
bulge.)

Her hair was
golden (it glows.)

Her eyes
emerald green (they sparkle.)

To avoid her
beauty you would need a vaccine (a doctor suddenly appears giving
him an injection.)

Chorus: Oh-oh
Supermarket Checkout Operator (in her uniform, looking glum.)

Please be my
sexual navigator (her uniform transforms into sexy lingerie.)

Check me
through (Felix is lying naked face down on the conveyor belt with a
barcode on his derriere, she scans him, the till registers
50p.)

I’ll be good
for you (subtitle “with added vitamins and minerals” pops up on the
screen.)

Supermarket
Checkout Operator…

Verse 2: Easy
on the eye, but my wallet felt the strain (opens his wallet, its
empty of notes.)

Became a
shopaholic, threw my money down the drain (empties remaining coins
down drain.)

Had to see her
almost every single day, she was a walking poster girl for foreplay
(Felix opens Smash Hits magazine and she is the centrespread
poster.)

Chorus:
Supermarket Checkout Operator (Holly steps out of the magazine, and
transforms again into…)

Please be my
sexual navigator (Holly is now dressed as a lollipop lady stood in
traffic, holding a sign up to Felix in his car saying ‘Bedroom This
Way’.)

Check me
through, I’ll be good for you (those added vitamins and minerals in
Felix’s cream has all the pussies purring.)

Supermarket
Checkout Operator…

A big censored
sign suddenly appears on the screen, the record scratches and
Felix’s fantasy is cut short when Holly speaks:

“OH. MY.
GOD.”

“My thoughts
exactly,” Felix replies, coming back down to earth with a thud.
“Holly is that really you? How long has it been? 24 years and you
haven’t aged a single day!”

Holly can’t
help but smile. “Still the same old charming, lying Felix. I must
look like my own mother.”

“What are you
doing here?” Felix asks, unable to stop the words from coming out
of his mouth.

“Uhm, what does
it look like?” Holly replies solemnly and changes the subject. “I
saw you on TV.”

Felix is
embarrassed but just a little bit ego-inflated and tries to act
cool.

“You saw that
shit?” he says, failing miserably.

“I was pleased
you didn’t get decapitated by the Zulu warrior in episode 3,” Holly
says.

“Owen Paul was
unlucky,” Felix replies. “It was pretty close.”

“Felix, I can’t
believe it’s really you,” Holly says wistfully, a glint in her
eye.

There is a
glint in Felix’s eye as well, as Cupid appears and aims his arrow
at both supermarket occupants.

“I have a
proposition for you actually,” Felix states.

Cupid hits him,
but Holly flashes a modest diamond ring from Argos, indicating she
is already taken, and Cupid misses her by a mile.

Felix is
secretly gutted but picks up his resolve.

“No, I mean I’d
like to take you away from here.”

He realises he
has taken his left foot out of his mouth, only to replace it with
his right. He tries again.

“We could
reform the band. Apparently it’s all the rage…

You. (She
smiles.)

Me. (She
smiles.)

Oh and Cherry
of course.”

Holly’s
romanticised memories of the past come crashing down around her
with the mere mention of that… creature!

“I don’t think
so, Felix,” she spits with venom.

“Can’t we just
let old demons die?” Felix pleads as he finishes packing his
shopping.

“That’ll be
£17.53,” she says, taking payment and starting to serve the next
customer.

Felix leaves
dejected, with his tail between his legs - all seven inches - and
his shredded wheat, which he still keeps on dropping. His mobile
phone rings again and this time it’s the private detective he
hired, who funnily enough just happens to be appropriately
named.

“Felix this is
Dick. I think I have a lead on Cherry Fontaine.”

Felix is
sitting alone at a table in a cosy French café called Je T’aime.
It’s Thursday afternoon and fairly quiet.

He’s sat at a
table in the far corner where people normally go to gaze at their
lovers. Luckily there’s a small heart shaped mirror there so Felix
can see his. Oh and he’s on his phone.

“So she eats
here every day around this time?” Felix asks.

“Yeah,” Dick
replies. The private one. Remember?

Felix looks
around but doesn’t see anyone of any particular importance or
relevance.

“Cherry sold
her soul to a contact centre,” Dick reveals. “And now the devil
wants it back. She works 5 minutes away and goes there for lunch
every day without fail. Sits at the same table. Orders the same
sandwich and cappuccino. I figure she likes routine.”

“I have a lot
riding on this, Dick,” Felix states, pleased he got his comma in
the correct place.

“Yeah, well be
prepared for a little bit of a surprise,” Dick adds. “I don’t think
she will be quite what you are expecting.”

Twenty or
thirty minutes pass and Felix is getting bored, passing the time
refreshing his Facebook live feed and seeing what everyone had for
dinner / what their child / cat looks like today (same as
yesterday) and Brian Lovestar trolling his latest book.

But still no
sign of Cherry.

He looks at his
watch, finishes his third cup of tea and gets up to leave, but as
he is making his exit, he bumps into a strange looking man on his
way in and gets quite the surprise indeed.

“Cherry?” he
says, somewhat flabbergasted.

Cherry is
pushing fifty, dressed as a bloke and now going by the name of
Chesney Foster, her original name and her original persona. She
pretends not to hear, nor recognise him:

“I’m sorry. Can
I help you?”

Felix is unable
to contain his amazement:

“Oh my fucking
God. Cherry, is that you? Cherry, it’s Felix.”

Cherry/Chesney
is shitting horizontal bricks sideways.

“I’m sorry, I
don’t know anyone by that name,” he/she lies before making a swift
exit of his/her own.

Felix follows
and chases him/her down the street.

“We were in a
band together in the 80s. Tequila Sun. Remember?”

Cherry/Chesney
returns Felix another faked blank look and continues walking.

Felix starts
singing a couple of lines from one of Tequila Sun’s biggest hits
but Cherry/Chesney is unimpressed and tries to pick up pace.

Felix’s feet in
mouth switching genius comes back into play and this time he seems
to manage both at the same time:

“I knew you
when you were a woman. I mean, I knew you when you were a man who
thought he was a woman…”

His voice
trails off mid-sentence as he realises he’s only making matters
worse.

Tequila Sun
were one of the biggest pop bands of the 80s. They had amassed an
abundance of top 10 pop hits over a four year period, before a
major scandal tore the band apart.

Felix was
romantically involved with Holly. They had just gotten engaged,
when he had a drunken one night stand with Cherry.

To make matters
worse, Holly caught Cherry fucking Felix with a strap on
microphone, dumped him and sold the story to the News of the
World.

This resulted
in Cherry trying to strangle Holly and facing an attempted murder
charge, that was later dropped due to lack of evidence.

Felix hit rock
bottom – as well as the bottle - and was later caught having a
sordid threesome with a Snow White pantomime extra and a blow up
farm yard animal, need I remind you?

Needless to say
the band were never quite the same again after that.

And it clearly
fraught Cherry/Chesney enough to revert back to her former self and
go into hiding for the last 20+ years.

Cherry/Chesney
reaches his/her car and gets into the front seat.

“We have a
chance to reform the band, “Felix says, producing a flyer for the
gig on Saturday and holding it up for her to see.

Cherry/Chesney
refuses to wind the window down, so he places it behind her
windscreen wiper, facing inwards.

“I have nothing
to say to you,” Cherry/Chesney says as he/she puts the key into the
ignition.

“I’ve moved on
Felix. You should too,” he/she adds as he/she drives off into the
distance.

Felix stands
dejected by the roadside. Some of the GBP pass and don’t even stop
to ask for his autograph, which only makes matters worse.

He starts to
accept that his re-found fifteen minutes of fame just may well be
over. The clock is ticking down and his only hope now is the
illusive Rhino Zagreb, not only someone he hasn’t spoken to in over
20 years, but someone he never spoke to or got on with even when he
was in the band. He might as well just give up now.

Felix wonders
whether he’ll need much plastic surgery done to play himself in his
own 80s pop tribute act.

Strangely
enough it didn’t take much effort on Felix’s part to track down the
supposedly illusive Rhino Zagreb. Just a simple keyword search in
Google. It’s the name right? I mean, where did he get it? I’m
guessing his mother liked going to a zoo in Croatia to see her
favourite animal? Maybe she went into labour during a visit and
gave birth there, right in the Rhinoceros enclosure?

Felix didn’t
know because he never really knew the man, he just stood miming
next to him for four years, twenty odd years ago. As you do.

He was born
Felix Smith and being a mid-80s prima Madonna, quickly discarded
his frightfully common second name. And never the twain again shall
meet. When he had it changed by deed poll he was required by law to
put two names down so he’s ‘Just Felix’ now for arguments sake.
Well, he thought it was ingenious.

Holly was
always destined to be a star whether she liked it or not. Her
mother Cecelia Wood named her quite aptly and had her booked into
stage school while she was still a sperm in her Daddy’s dingaling.
She has two sisters and they all share the same Christian name.
Have you ever heard anything like it? Mrs Wood was clearly trebling
her chances of a starlet offspring.