Pop Tarts: Omnibus Edition (6 page)

FFWD to present
day and he is unrecognisable, some might say literally as no-one
can really remember what he looked like.

There is a
vague resemblance. The only trouble is he also happens to have a
complete doppelganger chained up in a secret basement sex
dungeon.

So just who is
the real Rhino Zagreb?

Let’s run
through the possible scenarios, shall we…

What is the
very definition of a doppelganger?

A vision of
one’s self out of the corner of one’s eye. An apparition or double
of a living person, someone that looks exactly the same as another
person.

It’s derived
from the German language, basically meaning ‘ghostly double’, one
who completely resembles another that is of no biological
relation.

But it is
believed to be an omen of death if one ever sees one’s doppelganger
and neither Rhino 1 nor 2 has croaked it yet, so I guess that’s
that one out of the window.

Scenario 2: The
long lost evil twin.

Were the
Rhino’s twin brothers separated at birth?

Perhaps Mrs
Zagreb had twins but could only be bothered (or indeed afford) to
bring one child up, so she farmed the other out to an orphanage,
maybe even left him in a cardboard box outside a church?

Cardboard box
Rhino was brought up by an evil nun, always made to feel unwanted
and unloved. And now he’s out for revenge, so he’s stolen
non-cardboard box Rhino’s life, switching identities, as well as
Swarovski crystal encrusted underpants.

Nah! This isn’t
a cheesy soap opera!

Could kidnapper
Rhino just be a bog standard imposter? An obsessed fan of rival pop
band Pink Champagne called Hawky Andrews - so consumed with
avenging Jade Astley’s death on the bridge of doooooom - he held a
plastic surgeon up at gunpoint until he transformed him into
Rhino’s double, to become a saboteur. His quest: to ruin Tequila
Sun’s comeback.

Actually that’s
not as far-fetched as it sounds.
He is
obsessed Pink
Champagne fan Hawky Andrews
. He is
out to avenge the death
of famed pop scrubber Jade Astley. And
he is
on a mission to
derail Tequila Sun’s comeback.

But
he
didn’t
hold a plastic surgeon up at gunpoint. He didn’t have
to. Cos he’s a witch. And he just used a cloning spell.

He simply took
a poster of Rhino from Look-In magazine, crumpled it up in his hand
and tied a crystal to it with string. Then he touched a mirror with
his non dominant hand - and holding the paper and crystal in the
other – chanted:

“Body, body,
body of mine-o, I will you to change into the body of Rhine-o.

By the power of
the full moon, I will you to change soon.”

He repeated
this three times and dropped his pants for full effect… and hey
presto, the next day he woke up as the complete, absolute
doppelganger of Rhino Zagreb… without the dying when they meet each
other part.

And they met
each other when Hawky kidnapped the real Rhino and encaged him as a
prisoner in his sex dungeon. Comes in handy. Every home should have
one.

He also cast an
additional spell to wipe real Rhino’s memory and make him believe
he wasn’t real Rhino at all. In fact he doesn’t know who – or what
-he is.

So Hawky is now
Rhino. He just has an amnesiac pet pop star in his sex dungeon. As
you do.

I’d recommend
this spell to anyone. It really does work. Although please be aware
I’m not advocating pop star kidnap and cloning’s. Though if that
hot hunk-a-spunk with a ‘tight fit’ was in town…

Anyway fake
Rhino’s plan is now fully in motion.

He talked
Cherry Fontaine into becoming Cherry Chesney and stealing the
limelight from Holly… if only to extend their animosity towards
each other.

He spiked
Felix’s drink and tricked him into believing he had slept with his
own long lost secret daughter Fifi… just to keep him and Holly at
arm’s length.

And he was also
responsible for Felix getting arrested for the infamous waxwork
dummy incident.

The scandal was
soon all over the trashy tabloids and fake Rhino hoped it would
spell the true, very final death of the band.

But it
didn’t.

In fact, his
plan backfired.

Felix was
released from prison, all charges were dropped.

And the public
loved it and lapped it up.

Tequila Sun
were not only back but they were back in their very own soap opera
too. And it was so far-fetched it was almost incredible. This was
the Tequila Sun the public well and truly loved.

Felix was a
star again.

And with all
the free publicity, the band’s comeback single ‘Supermarket
Checkout Operator’ stormed the pop charts.

Soon it was
hovering just outside of the top 10.

It may have
stalled at number 11 but mark my words, Tequila Sun were back in
the big-time again.

And fake Rhino
only had himself to blame.

Felix is a free
man again!

He’d spent
almost a week behind bars, dropped the soap and lived to tell the
tale.

While at his
lowest point, sat cowering in a prison cell, convinced his life
(and career) were over, he’d lamented his bad luck and written a
song about the irony of it all.

He serenaded
the other prisoners, particularly his back scrubbing buddy.

And it went
something like this...

Verse 1: I
found a four-leaf clover one day,

But before it
could bring any lucky my way,

I broke a
mirror in seven places,

Then blew all
my money on the races.

Chorus: I’m
just a hard luck kind of a guy,

Nothing ever
goes my way, I tell you no lie,

I’m just a hard
luck kind of a guy,

Somebody tell
me why…

Inspired by the
limited success of ‘Supermarket Checkout Operator’ and the notion
‘no press is bad press’, Max Jacks rushed the band into the studio
to record it. And sent them back to prison to record the video.

Cherry Chesney
even made a special starring appearance as half a female prisoner,
half a male guard during verse 2, just to annoy Holly some
more:

I met this bird
by the bars one night,

With
legs-eleven heaven, she looked quite a site,

I began to
tremble as soon as she spoke…

(Cherry spins
round)

…but the hot
chick that I’d pulled turned out to be a bloke…

Chorus: I’m
just a hard luck kind of a guy,

Nothing ever
goes my way, I tell you no lie,

I’m just a hard
luck kind of a guy,

Somebody tell
me why…

There was then
a 30-second instrumental bridge, before the chorus was repeated
thrice to fade.

Meanwhile tests
had proved there had been no sexual contact between Felix and Fifi,
but before he could get to know his newfound daughter Holly sent
her off to rehab in Lake Lucerne, Switzerland.

Despite this,
Felix was still harbouring deep feelings for Holly and was confused
now more than ever.

After the video
shoot had ended and the others had gone home, he had Holly and
himself accidentally locked in a prison cell together on purpose,
to ensure she couldn’t escape his planned inquisition.

“How’s Fifi?”
he started off gently.

“She’s fine,”
Holly replied clutching and kicking at the prison bars.

“Would someone
please let us out of here!” she screamed.

She shook the
bars with such an aggression, Felix actually trembled with
fear.

But then he
noticed the diamond ring on her finger again.

Fifi had told
him Holly had never married, yet he remembered seeing the same
modest ring on her finger at the supermarket checkout in chapter
3.

“You haven’t
introduced me to your fiancé yet,” he enquired.

She looked
bewildered, until she noticed him looking at her hand, which she
then hid.

“It’s none of
your business,” she said, shaking the bars with an even stronger
right hand only, the left now in her pocket.

Then Felix had
a flashback and it suddenly dawned on him. The engagement ring -
the one Holly was wearing - was the engagement ring he had given
her in 1987!

“Let me see
that ring again,” he asked.

She backed off
into the corner, holding her hands behind her back and refusing to
budge.

He grasped her
arms at both sides, and pulled at them… but she kneed him in the
balls and he fell to the floor in agony.

“Felix, are you
okay?” she enquired, nervously, fearing she’d damaged him more than
she had intended.

As she went to
help him up, he clutched at her left arm and pulled her hand into
the full view of his face, which just confirmed what he had already
suspected.

It
was
his ring!

“I knew it,” he
said.

Their eyes
locked again and he went to kiss her, but a guard appeared and
unlocked the cell, enabling Holly to make a quick getaway.

Felix was left
lamenting his bad luck yet again.

Hard luck kind
of a guy, indeed.

At this moment
in time, quite literally.

Fake Rhino aka
obsessed Pink Champagne fan Hawky Andrews was pissed. His attempts
at mucking up Tequila Sun’s comeback were backfiring famously.

The comeback
single ‘Supermarket Checkout Operator’ may have failed to reach the
top 10, stalling at no. 11; but their follow up ‘Hard Luck Kind of
a Guy’ had just entered the top 10 to critical acclaim and was
heading for the number 1 spot with a bullet.

It seems
Tequila Sun were flavour of the month again. And fake Rhino was not
a happy witch.

The juggernaut
to absolute superstardom just simply had to be derailed, of that
there was no question. So he did what any good witch would do in
any given situation. He consulted his ancestor’s spell book…

Meanwhile
Cherry Chesney was starting to tire of her recently discovered
limelight. She couldn’t even urinate in a restaurant lavatory
cubicle without a fan sticking some loo roll under the partition
for an autograph.

And the
paparazzi were driving her to the brink of insanity.

Oh how she
longed for the good old days when they hounded Holly Wood
instead.

Holly Wood
meanwhile was an out and out basket case.

She couldn’t
cope with not getting enough attention!

She was also
missing her daughter Fifi - who she’d shipped off to the Swiss Alps
- and had no-one to confide in about her true feelings for Felix.
And she certainly had no intention of confiding in him.

She poured
herself a cup of chamomile tea to try to calm her nerves, when
there was a knock at the door.

It was
Cherry!

Before she had
a chance to slam it in her face, she noticed Chesney hadn’t
bothered to turn up.

Holly didn’t
like Cherry, but she liked Chesney even less.

“Truce?” Cherry
asked, raising a hand and looking Holly firmly in the eye.

Holly hesitated
for a second and then shook her hand.

The next thing
they knew they were having tea and cake and discussing fashion,
urban politics, and the size of Felix’s wiener!

Who knew they
had so much in common?

Cherry agreed
to let Holly reclaim the spotlight and even offered to help her
with her make-up.

Holly confided
in Cherry about how much she was missing her precious Fifi and that
she might even still love Felix.

It was like
they were proper girlfriends for the first time in over a quarter
of a century.

Fake Rhino
would be proper furious, had he not been too busy implementing his
latest spell of doom for the Tequila Sun pop tarts, Just Felix in
particular.

And this was
going to be his biggest spell yet.

First of all he
scoured the bargain bin of an old record collectors store and found
an original 7” vinyl copy of one of the bands greatest hits from
1987.

He covered it
in enchanted fairy dust.

Then he bid for
and won a vintage Dansette record player on eBay and rigged it so
that the turntable spun backwards.

He also
implanted a detonator in the record player mechanics, so that 30
seconds into a track, the device would explode into
smithereens.

And then he had
it anonymously delivered to Felix’s apartment.

Meanwhile Holly
(on Cherry’s sisterly advice) had rung Felix to tell him she was
coming over.

She was going
to confess her true feelings to him.

But the mystery
gift arrived first.

He was puzzled
when he opened it, but assumed it was from a fan and was touched,
not for the very first time.

He set the
record player up and was covered in fairy dust as he took the
record out of its sleeve, but laughed it off as a sweet
gesture.

The record
dropped from the auto changer and began to play just as Holly was
coming up to the apartment in the elevator.

As she reached
the door all she heard was a loud explosion.

“Felix!” she
screamed as she burst in through the door.

First she saw
smoke…

Then she saw
fire…

Then she
screamed again.

Holly waded
through the smoke and came across the burning record player.

“Felix,” she
shouted as she looked around the flat for any sign of him.

But there was
none.

And eventually
the flames became so fierce she was forced to make a swift
exit.

Crying
desperately, she rang for an ambulance.

The next thing
she knew she was back at Cherry’s crying into a pair of Felix’s
boxer shorts that she grabbed as she ran out of the apartment.

“This is all I
have to remember him by,” she sobbed, pressing them into her face
and breathing in the smell of his sweet testicle sweat.