Portraits (53 page)

Doris did like the apartment. It was cheerful and the neighborhood was one of the best in Pacific Heights. She felt guilty mama was so unhappy with the apartment, but she was more than happy to settle for it. Poor Henry, it must be hard to establish a practice. There had been a glimmer in the back of her mind that Henry was making a good living, but her thoughts hadn’t gone much beyond that. Her great concern had been to escape home, and she’d done that…

There was complete silence on the drive back to Oakland. When Henry parked the car in front of the house Sara got out of the back seat and walked sullenly to the front door, with Doris and Henry behind her.

Maybe they should stay at a hotel tonight, Doris thought. When mama got through with papa there’d be all kinds of arguments. And to make matters worse, he was coming home from the country today.

Sara was hanging her coat in the closet when Doris asked, “Mama, maybe it might be better if Henry and I stayed in a hotel until the furniture is delivered.”

“Do you think Henry can afford it?”

Doris bit her lip, and when she looked at Henry she saw the hurt in his eyes.

“Look, Mrs. Sanders, I won’t accept that from anybody.”

“Really? And what about the furniture and the car? You didn’t mind accepting those—”

“The car? Well, I’d like to remind you that more than half of the car was paid for from what you got out of my car. Also, please remember I never asked for it or even wanted it—Doris, I’ll wait for you in the car.”

Doris felt ill. No one spoke to mama like that except papa. Henry had no idea how much wrath he’d brought down on them. God, poor unsuspecting Henry. If only she had explained that mama’s personality was a country mile from what it had appeared during their courtship…

“You heard the way he spoke to me?”

“He didn’t mean it, mama…”

“Take his part. Who am I? Only your mother. You’d better go to your wonderful husband.”

Doris tried to kiss her mother but she turned her cheek.

Doris was hysterical by the time she sat next to Henry in the car. He put his arms around her and held her close. “I’m sorry, Doris…sorry if your family thought you were marrying someone like Jim Ross, whom they don’t seem too fond of either. Anyway, I’m known as a struggling doctor. That’s all I am, but I’m not going to allow anyone to talk to me the way she did. I can’t get over it. You’d think she almost had a split personality…”

“She’s just really a very high-strung person, she doesn’t mean half of what she says—”

“Maybe, but how could anyone have been so sweet before our marriage and then say the things she did today?”

“Believe me, Henry, she didn’t mean it—”

“I think she did, Doris. And while we’re at it, let me say I can’t get over the way your father was so upset about our eloping. I never saw such anger.”

“Can’t you understand how disappointed he was?”

“Of course, but such hostility? You’ve got a very strange family, Doris.”

As miserable and frightened as she was, somehow Henry had gained her respect. He wasn’t quite the pussycat she thought he’d be with mama. He hadn’t given an inch and she liked him for it…“What are we going to do about the apartment?”

“What about it?”

“Suppose my mother cancels the furniture?”

“Then we’ll just have to take a furnished apartment for a while. In fact, I’d much rather not accept anything from them.”

“Where are we going to stay tonight?”

“At my mother’s. She may not be able to speak very good English, but she’s not in the business of hurting people.”

When Doris called the next day, papa came right to the point. “I heard about what happened, Doris.”

I don’t think so, papa. Mama didn’t tell you how she insulted Henry, only what Henry said to her…“I’m terribly sorry, papa, but there was a misunderstanding.”

“That’s what you think insulting your mother is? A misunderstanding?”

“Things just started to happen and before you knew it—”

“Your husband walked out of the house.”

“That’s not exactly what—”

“Here, talk to your mother.”

“Yes, Doris?”

“Mama, I want to apologize for yesterday,” Doris said. Peace at any price…

“Well, I’m not so sure I’m going to accept that.”

“Henry’s sorry, too, and would like to speak to you.”

Henry was sitting beside her on the bed, and he put his hand over the phone. “I’m not sorry, and don’t apologize for me.”

“Please, Henry.
Please
…”

If he didn’t love Doris so much he’d tell her mother and father to go to hell, but seeing her so upset was hurting him. Finally he took the phone. “I…I’m sorry about the unfortunate incident yesterday, Mrs. Sanders.”

Sara was silent a moment, then answered, “Yes, a good many things have been rather unfortunate, Henry.”

Looking at Doris’ pleading eyes he said, “That’s true…Since this is Sunday, Doris and I would like to come over and spend the day with you.”

Doris kissed him, while Sara clamped her hand over the mouthpiece. “They want to come over this afternoon. What do you say, Jacob?”

“Do what you want to.”

“Well…all right, Henry, if you’d like.”

Henry thought, anything to stop Doris from feeling so miserable. “Yes, we’d like that. Fine. We’ll see you then.” …

When they arrived about two Sara and Jacob were cool, but as the day wore on Sara began to warm up now that she had a sympathetic audience for other grievances. As she prepared dinner she and Doris talked about Rachel—or rather, Doris sat listening to Sara’s recital. There was nothing new…she complained about Rachel’s extravagance, and that she’d given a party but hadn’t invited them. In fact, Sara reported, she hadn’t spoken to her snobby daughter in over a week, and she had no intention of giving Rachel the satisfaction of calling. On it went, with Doris nodding her head in sympathy. In fact, she did sympathize. Mama was hurt and angry, and although she’d brought it on herself, Doris still felt badly for her…

At the end of a very tense day Doris and Henry finally went back to his mother’s. When they were in bed Doris said, “Mama told me the furniture will be delivered on Tuesday.”

“I’m glad for your sake, but I’m going to ask you to do me a favor.”

“Anything, dear…”

“Please don’t apologize for me again. And don’t ask me to spend Sundays with your folks.”

“Henry, try to understand. They don’t have anyone else—”

“What about Nadine and Sandy?”

“Mama doesn’t like Nadine. Besides, they’re used to having their children around.”

“Well, children grow up, and have a life of their own—”

“I know. We won’t go every Sunday, but we do have to see them, Henry.”

“As little as possible, I hope…”

First thing the next morning, Doris checked in with mama. She told her what a wonderful day they’d had, thanked mama for being so nice to Henry. And would she please ask papa not to be so cold to her and Henry?

Mama said she was happy Doris had called and, yes, she would speak to papa…

When she hung up Doris sat on the edge of the bed wishing she could run off to an unknown island…unknown to all of them…and then she called Rachel.

“I’m sorry I haven’t called since I came home, Rachel, but things have been so hectic—”

“There’s nothing to forgive. You’re making a new life and it’s a tremendous adjustment.”

“Thanks for your understanding, Rachel.”

“Don’t be silly. What are you doing today?”

“Nothing—”

“Why don’t you come over?”

“You mean it?”

“What a question! Come for lunch.”

“I really should skip it…”

“I’ll have cottage cheese and fruit. You’ll be safe from temptation, I guarantee it.”

“I can’t wait to see you and the baby.” …

Doris sat in Rachel’s fine diningroom, eating her cottage cheese and pineapple off of Minton china. It was like being in another world, especially after yesterday. “It’s so lovely and peaceful here.”

Rachel saw the look in Doris’ eyes. “What’s wrong, Doris?”

“Oh, God, I don’t know where to begin…”

“Well, since that goes back to the cradle, tell me what’s, new?”

“It’s not new, Rachel, just a continuation of the same very old story. It’s mama. She and Henry had their first confrontation and the poor guy was really unprepared for her.” It was a painful memory, but Doris told her the story of the apartment and the storm that had followed with papa. “She still scares the hell out of me, Rachel, and so does papa…”

“Well, let me tell you, Doris, the time to start is now. You’re married and you’re going to have to learn to break the cord.”

“Funny, you saying that, Rachel. A little over a year ago when Larry was born I said that to you and remember what you told me?”

“I know, Doris, but that was then and Jim helped me…made me grow up. I’m not going to allow them to dominate my life any longer. In fact, I’ve gotten to the point where I see less and less of them. And one of these days it’s going to be just a Christmas card from Spain.”

“It’s easy for you to say that, but I really feel so damned insecure, or is it unsure…? Oh, I don’t know what I feel…”

“You love Henry, don’t you?”

“I don’t honestly know about that either…Yes, I do, I love him but I don’t feel very secure about his making a living for us…Look, I can say this to you because you’re my sister. The truth is, I didn’t really want to marry Henry. They kept up a steady barrage about how fat and hopeless I was until I began to believe it. And then Henry said something that made me like him so much, and he was nice and decent…and I guess I saw him as my best chance to escape…you understand? It hasn’t exactly been a marriage made in heaven, but there’s a compensation…Henry loves me, I have no doubt about that.” She smiled. “He certainly didn’t marry me for my dowry—so it’s hardly the worst marriage in the world either. He’s really very kind and loving…sweet. Crazy as this may sound, he even thinks I’m beautiful—”

“You are, Doris.”

“I’m not and you know it. Why kid me?”

“You know what you have, Doris? And it would be a miracle if you didn’t.”

“What?”

“A raging inferiority complex. When you’ve had it drummed into you how fat you are, how awful you are, from the first day you were old enough to understand a word they said, how could you not believe them?”

“I guess you’re right, but how do you suggest I get over it?”

“By telling yourself you’re
not
any of those things. My husband helped me to believe it.”

“Henry tries. Funny, isn’t it? We have to grow up through our husbands. You know what he said about mama? That…she isn’t really too well…”

“He’s right, I think…You can also tell him she’s crazy jealous and one of the great neurotics of all time. And papa doesn’t have time to wonder if there are two sides to a story.”

“You’re right, she tells it her way and he seems to believe it…But what hurts so badly, Rachel, is that they pushed me into this marriage and now they’re angry because Henry’s not rich like they expected him to be…does that make any sense?”

“Nothing they do makes too much sense. I haven’t spoken to them in a week, did you know that?”

“She told me yesterday.”

“That’s par for the course. What did she say?”

“That you had a party and didn’t invite them.”

“That’s not true. I did, but mama wanted to come in the afternoon and start taking over. I thanked her for offering but said I had a catering company and wanted her to be as much a guest as anyone else. Well, that did it. She told me she was a mother, not a guest, and if she wasn’t welcome in my house as such I could go to hell. Does that sound like mama turning things around?”

“Sure does…”

“Well, I’m not putting up with it any longer. I can’t help begging her for forgiveness—and love.”

“Mama says you wouldn’t even let her see Larry.”

“Oh, Doris, don’t you know mama and her fears about growing old? She doesn’t even want to be called ‘grandmother.’ Larry’s supposed to call her ‘sissy.’ Isn’t that adorable? Can you even imagine mama taking Larry to the park? She told me once that she’d never baby-sit. She raised her family by herself and no one sat for her children.” Rachel was working herself up now. “That’s some joke about being denied her grandson. When we do talk she forgets to ask how he is. You know what we talk about? Her problems with you and Lillian, her health and how stingy papa is, how good I’ve got it—My God, it makes me angry that I’m getting so upset even now, but at least I don’t need her the way I used to—and neither do you really, not now that you have Henry.”

“But I’m not you, Rachel…she has such a hold on me I can’t even make a stupid, simple decision without consulting her. I talk big but I’m still dependent on her—”

“You’ll learn.”

“I hope so. Can I see the baby?”

Doris picked him up out of the crib. He was going on fifteen months, a gorgeous, golden little boy, with blond hair and blue eyes like Rachel and papa. He laughed and said the most incredible inarticulate things. “He’s beautiful. I love him. Jim must be wild about him.”

“You can imagine.”

“What does his daughter think of the baby?”

“She’s never seen him. In fact, she and Jim have almost no relationship at all. She still can’t forgive him for marrying me, but luckily she’s going to the Sorbonne. But even if she weren’t I would have put my foot down. I’m not going to be darling and adorable to
anyone
who doesn’t approve of me, Jim’s daughter or not. I’ve had enough of that all my life.”

“Boy, we’re sure the ones when it comes to families…”

“Well, I won’t let anyone interfere with my happiness. No one, and that includes his daughter and our mother.”

“I wish I could be strong like you.”

“Teach yourself.”

“Yeah, well, I’ll work on it…I’d better be going. It’s been a wonderful day—and thanks for the advice. I don’t think it should take more than a hundred years to remake myself.”

“With your sense of humor, you’ll make it. I’m betting on you…”

She went to Henry’s office and waited in the reception room. It was the end of the day and there was only one patient in the room.