Prayers for the Dying (Pam of Babylon Book Four) (27 page)

“I’m not sure yet. There are a few more family members who I am sure will be circling the grave like vultures. I’ll point them out to you at the funeral. You are coming to it, aren’t you?”

Ashton nodded yes. It was the least he could do for Jack, but to Ted he just said, “Of course I’ll be there. I loved Dale.”

“Come over and have a seat up front. You can be with the family,” Ted said. Ashton felt it in his chest; Ted was as interested in him as he was in Ted. He didn’t think he would have the energy to be in a relationship again at age fifty-six. But Ted calmed him. He was the antithesis of Jack.

The viewing lasted for two hours and during that time, the room filled with a few of Dale’s family and friends and many of her students. She brought an interesting mix of people together in her death. Ashton remembered Jack saying that she was a loner most of her life. This turnout of people belied that.
Maybe Jack needed to believe he was her only contact and source of excitement to justify his own existence. Jack the benevolent. Jack the savior.
Jack also said that Dale was a homophobe, but how could that be true? Her favorite nephew was gay. Ashton had spent several lovely afternoons with her since Jack’s death. Had Jack lied so Ashton would keep his distance?
Hmmmmm…

Usually a careful, law-abiding driver, Pam drove like a woman possessed after dropping Sandra off at her apartment. It was close to nine by the time she got home. She’d taken Sandra to Brooklyn to get her things from Tom’s apartment before he got home from work. After they unloaded the car, they drove the few blocks to Columbus Avenue. Both women were shocked by Marie’s appearance. She didn’t look anything like herself. Pam hated that expression, but there was no other way to describe what had happened to her sister. She was demented, and she looked demented as well. Nelda said she was “with it” most of the time, but had periods when she didn’t seem to know where she was. It was clear she needed round-the-clock supervision. Pam didn’t know if Nelda was hinting for Pam to help out with her care, but she knew for certain that it wasn’t happening. Pam had taken care of Marie since she was a child with disastrous results. It was definitely Nelda’s turn. Marie wasn’t rude to Sandra, but she wasn’t warm and fuzzy, either.

“I didn’t think I would ever see you again!” Marie greeted Sandra. Only the three of them knew the real meaning of those words, and had a chuckle. Sandra was taken aback by Marie’s appearance and oddly felt rare compassion for her.

“Sorry, Marie. I’ve been a little busy myself these past few months.”

That seemed to pull Marie back to earth. She leaned forward in her chair and reached for Sandra’s hand. “I’m so sorry. Of course, you’ve had a lot on your plate. Forgive me for being flip,” Marie said. “So, what are you two up to today? What made you come into town, Pam?”

“I had some business to attend to regarding you-know-who,” she said.

Marie frowned. “Will he ever go away?”

Pam walked to the door to make sure no one was outside listening. She carefully closed it. “His influence is diminishing for me; we found evidence that he was into kinky stuff with some shady characters,” Pam said softly. She’d kept private the many visits she had from Jack’s lovers, but it wasn’t fair to let Marie go on thinking his behavior was isolated to just her and Sandra.

Marie looked at her with eyebrows raised. “What was it? I mean, he was always trying to get me to do some sick shit. Sorry, Pam.” Marie was clearly embarrassed.

“Like what? I’m really interested, Marie. I promise I won’t get angry with you. I have to have the truth about everything. I can’t get on with my life, can’t date anyone. It’s impossible to even have a normal relationship with my children. Why’d I have to find all this out now? Twenty years ago I could have still protected you from him,” Pam said.

Marie didn’t answer her. What could she say? The gruesome details of her relationship with Jack were best kept under wraps. She was afraid that if she put the acts into words, she would never recover from it, mentally. The physical wounds were clear for all to see.

“It won’t do any good to rehash all that garbage now,” Marie said. “Let it go, Pam. If you found out something that might make it easier to let go of Jack, go for it. But dwelling on anything I did with him won’t help you. And it might hurt me to have to speak it. I am so ready to bury Jack in the deepest part of the ocean.”

Marie’s wisdom had some validity. Pam stood up and kissed her on the cheek. “I hope you’ll feel better soon. I better get going before it gets too late,” she said. “Do you think we can get out of here without having to say goodbye?”

“She’ll be hurt if you sneak out and then I’ll get the brunt of it,” Marie said, laughing. “Say good-bye to the old lady, too. She’s really out of it.”

Pam couldn’t stand seeing Bernice and didn’t care if Marie took some heat because she sneaked out of the house. “They’ll both get over it,” Pam said. “Come on, Sandra, let’s get out of here.” They said good-bye and quietly left the bedroom, tiptoeing down the staircase and out the door without discovery. Pam didn’t care if her mother never spoke to her again. She was in self-preservation mode, and until she felt stronger, she wasn’t going to worry about her family.

There was just a sliver of moon, but it was so clear that the stars provided some light on the beach in Babylon. Pam put the car away and went around locking the front of the house, but tonight she was going to bundle up and do some serious beach sitting. Hopefully, the solitude and the sound of the waves would help her come to some conclusions. She had an hour before she could call the young woman she encountered in the Times Square apartment.
Call me after ten
, she’d said.

Looking out over the water, she decided she would simply let the woman talk. She wanted her to have the apartment if she wanted it; it appeared that she was utilizing the devices in there, but the lease needed to go into her name. Pam considered that the woman might try to blackmail her to keep quiet. But wouldn’t she have come forward sooner? Pam gathered up her beach chair and the blanket she’d taken out and walked back up the pathway to the house. The holiday weekend had wiped away any trace of peace she’d garnered. A cup of tea and a snack was in order since she’d skipped dinner unintentionally; had she eaten at all today? The clock ticked the minutes and finally it was just after ten. Pam dug the card out of her purse. Blythe Smith.
Smith?
Confidential. And the phone number. Pam snickered. Confidential? She dialed the number and after it rang at least eight times, Pam was ready to hang up when it was answered. An out of breath Blythe.

“Hello? Mrs. Smith? Sorry, I left my phone in another room,” she said, catching her breath. “Thank you for calling me. I knew the lease would be up soon and didn’t know what to do. If you will allow it, I would like to keep the apartment.”

“Okay, that was my question. Do you want to go through the landlord? I’ll have to let him know Jack is deceased,” Pam said.

“Yes, I guess there is no way around it,” Blythe said. Pam was fighting the urge to ask questions. Did she need to know anything about this woman? What purpose would it serve?

“How’d you find out about the apartment?” Blythe asked.

“The landlord sent a renewal form for the lease to Jack’s former office,” Pam answered.

“Were you surprised? I mean, did you have any idea?” Blythe was pumping Pam for information and that was okay.

“I was completely surprised by the apartment, but I knew Jack had another life. I didn’t know about you,” Pam admitted.

“No, I guess you wouldn’t have known about me. You are so calm, I guess I’m a little taken aback by it,” Blythe said.

“I’ve had surprises since the day he died, Blythe. It’s old hat now,” Pam said. “Not that it hasn’t hurt me beyond anything I could have imagined.”

“Well, I don’t want to add to it. My life is ruined because of Jack, but somehow I have to keep going. All I know is what you saw in that apartment. That’s Jack’s doing. I have a bachelor’s degree in education from Stony Brook. I had a teaching job in Smithtown but I met Jack in July before school started. That was it for me. I have spent the last seventeen years bartending and waiting for Jack to come into the bar. That was my life. All the junk you saw hanging from the Peg-Boards? It was Jack’s legacy to me. At least I can support myself now,” Blythe said. Pam remembered the pathetic Maryanne who had asked for money. Why didn’t Blythe?

“Where do you live?” Pam asked, sure that it wasn’t that awful apartment.

“Near Jack’s other place, near Madison. Another dump, but not quite as bad as the one you saw. I bartend at the same place where I met Jack. I have to do this other work to supplement my income,” Blythe said, like it was commonplace to take money for whipping people.

Pam was silent. Blythe was blaming Jack for ruining her life. She had a college degree, and before she was even able to start a job utilizing it, she was sucked in by Jack. What was it about these women that allowed someone like Jack to overpower them? He was able to make rational, thinking people let down their guard and adopt behaviors that previously they wouldn’t have even considered. This woman made a choice to waste her life waiting for Jack. She may have thought there would be something in it for her—he was obviously wealthy. Or he may have lied to her and told her a future together was a possibility. Something. It made Pam sick. Pam wanted to ask her why she let it happen but she knew that might make her defensive. Blythe didn’t seem to have anything to lose by going public.
Look everyone! Look at what the great Jack Smith did to me!
Pam didn’t want to provoke her, realizing there was an element of fear. She was still protecting Jack.

“I’m sorry, Blythe. I’ll do what I can to transfer the apartment into your name. I hope that will help,” she said, eager to end the conversation.

“Yes, well thank you. Sorry I frightened you when I came into the apartment today,” Blythe said.

“That’s okay. Good-bye,” Pam said, and hung up. Irrationally, she washed her hands, scrubbing to remove anything that might have come through the phone. Relieved that she didn’t encourage Blythe to take a walk down memory lane, Pam was still uneasy about her encounter with her. Who else was going to crawl out from under the woodwork? The morning dream about Jack popped into her head and made her gorge rise. It was clearly wishful thinking.
I love you so much.
She marched into her bedroom and began tearing her bed apart. Even the illusion of him being in her bed was disgusting. Gasping, the thought came to her,
no wonder I have AIDS
. As she stuffed the tainted sheets in the washing machine, she was overcome with the longing to have peace. Was it even possible after all that had transpired?

She made up the bed in fresh sheets, pulling them tightly and smoothing the wrinkles out. Maybe she would resume her quest for perfection. Now that Jack was gone, it might actually be possible.

.

36

C
hristmas arrived in Babylon with no fanfare. Pam didn’t hire the handyman to hang lights outside of the house on Black Friday as she had in years past. Marie and Jack didn’t pop popcorn in the fireplace, with the resulting shriek of the smoke alarm and burnt kernels flying all over the den. Lisa and Brent came home, but it was melancholy; Pam hadn’t bothered with a real tree or decorations. They made due with a small fake one, already decorated, that she bought at the CVS. No one talked about AIDS, or Jack’s behavior, or bad parenting. They overate, played cards until dawn, laughed, drank too much wine. It was probably the first adult Christmas they’d had. Lisa even bought gifts for the others, a first. Jeff Babcock joined them a few evenings, and Dave came on Christmas Eve with the complete Seven Fishes dinner.

They didn’t see Nelda or Bernice or Marie. Susan and Sharon drove into the city at separate times with their families to see their mother and Marie, but no invitation had been extended from the beach. Pam wasn’t up to entertaining.

Sandra Benson got a huge tree and invited Tom and his father and Gwen; her sister, Sylvia, and brother-in-law; and anyone else who wanted to come for dinner. Virginia, Faith, and Emma were invited but declined; they really did have other things to do. Tom said the idea that they’d even responded to something his father was invited to was a positive sign.

Nelda cooked dinner for the Columbus Avenue crowd, set the table in the dining room, and used all the heavy silver and beautiful china. Bernice was thrilled. Marie and Steve were impressed, too.

On New Year’s Eve, Jeff Babcock brought his new friend to meet Pam. Brent’s girlfriend came down from White Plains to meet the family, and Lisa had several old friends in. Dave came by with the food again; this time a lavish buffet.

Pam had the fire lit every night. They sat by the window and looked out over the ocean, reminiscing about old times but keeping it light and pleasant. There was an unspoken rule that nothing sad would be talked about. The presence of the guests helped the conversations stay benign. Pam almost felt like it was old times, but something inevitably would happen to remind her otherwise. She’d get a call from her mother complaining about Marie, or have to take a call from the management company that was handling Jack’s Madison Avenue apartment. That everything was back to normal was just an illusion. She started counting the days, and then the minutes, until her beloved children went back to their own lives and she could exhale.