Preservation (23 page)

“Oh my God,” Carter slapped his hand to his forehead, eyes wide. “The atlas told you? So now this book of maps—” he reached for it from the nightstand and flipped through it frantically, waving it in my face, “it’s a Magic Eight Ball? An oracle? An answer to the meaning of life? ”

Still digging through my purse, I stopped cold.

“Hey,” I said, softer this time, turning to tug on his hand and pull him in front of me. Tears brimmed my eyelids as I peered up at him. “I love you. Have I ever told you that? Like really told you?”

Staring intently at me, his voice came out small and winded. “You don’t have to.”

“Because you know. You feel it.”

“Yes...”

“My lease is paid. I don’t have to worry about rent...for a while. My time at the literacy center is up. I’ve felt it. When I was sure this book deal would go through...I was ready to leave but was still afraid, wanted to play it safe. They knew, okay? Not long ago I gave them a heads up I’d be leaving soon.”

“That’s logical, Kate. Normal. Smart. You. This,” he tossed the atlas down onto the bed next to us, “I don’t know who this girl is. You’re scaring the shit out of me over here. After that night—”

“Don’t.” I put my finger to his lips, took a deep breath. “I’m stable. I’m not avoiding what happened to me and I’m not pretending that it didn’t screw with my head, Carter. What I’m telling you is this thing with Ryan...and what happened to me that night...it all brought everything else to light—the reason I push people away, all the shit I’ve been avoiding. It’s time to face it. This has all been a gift.”

“A gift.”

“Yes. You don’t have to understand this girl you see standing in front of you. I’m sorry you’re worried about me. But this girl is going to be okay. For once she’s not going to run away from everything.”

“You’re going to the West Indies. With palm trees. And coconuts. Fruity drinks with umbrella straws.”

Soft laughter shook my chest and I squeezed his hand, peering up at him with every ounce of genuine platonic love I could muster. “This time I’m running toward something.”

“Rum and jellyfish burns?”

“Maybe,” I giggled again, wiping my eyes. “I don’t know yet. That’s why it’s a gift.”

“Well,” he took a deep breath and reached around me for the atlas, “let’s make sure you catch that flight.” Walking to my suitcase, he unzipped the top flap and slid the atlas inside. “The world is waiting.”

***

Leaving my apartment key with Carter, I hugged him goodbye at the airport and made my way to my gate. Dean and Crystal were working, so I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. I missed them instantly. Our plane landed in St. Lucia at dusk, the customs guards and sweltering humidity welcoming us at the airport. A rusty old jeep with no air conditioner drove me up the mountain, slowing down only for a mongoose crossing alongside the rickety road. An old man passed by with his goat and a machete in hand, and smiled at me through the open window. You could see his soul in those eyes.

My room—if that’s what it was called— at the Ladera Resort stole my breath and my equilibrium right along with it the second I arrived. Recovering my balance from the head rush brought on by the steep drive up the mountain, I shut the door behind me, dropped my bags and gripped my chest, in awe of the tree house of a room that surrounded me alongside a hilltop paradise. The volcanic Piton Mountains sat to the east, the Caribbean Sea directly in front, and holy shit—a plunge pool. My own plunge pool, with a waterfall, in my room. Sure I’d entered heaven on Earth, I raced across the dark tropical hardwood floors and searched for my phone, shrieking as I dodged beetles and winged insects at my feet. There were only three walls holding up the room, which was virtually open, the view a gaping, spectacular space that revealed a drop right offside the mountain.
Note to self: Do not drink fruity drinks with umbrellas and stand at the ledge of that drop. Do not do that.

I stared at the ledge a moment more and then the tangerine sunset, mesmerized.
Oh! The phone.
Remembering the task at hand, I rang Carter and sighed in relief at the sound of his voice.

“You haven’t burnt down my apartment yet, have you?”

“Oh ye of little faith,” his voice rustled, a dry, tired laugh. “How was the flight?”

“Good. Really good. I’m supposed to be at the school tomorrow at nine a.m. I’m so nervous. How’s Dean? And Crystal, is she doing okay?”

“Kate. You’ve only been gone a day, woman. And don’t be nervous, you’re going to be just fine. You’ll be great with the kids. You got this.” A loud clang made me wince and pull the phone from my ear.

“Carter?”

“Speaking of Dean...and burning the apartment down...”

“Oh no.”

“God help me. He’s cooking. We made an arrangement. He’s going to stay here while I’m at work and then I’ll take over when he’s gone. Just so someone is here as much as possible to look after the place. I’m getting ready to leave, actually.” Another loud clang made me cringe. “Dean! Not that pan, man, use the other pot on the counter. Crap,” his voice muffled, “he wants to talk to—”

“Kate, my love!” Dean’s faux British voice replaced Carter’s. Oh, Lord. I shut my eyes and settled into the loveseat, not quite ready to leave my shiny new inner-island Zen to tune into his kooky madness. Still, hearing him made me smile. “Have you had the pleasure of using one of those breathing-tube thingies yet? You know, that you swim with?”

“A snorkel?”

“Ah, yes! Jolly good, those snorkels. Well, have you?”

“Ha ha, no, Dean. I just arrived at the hotel, you know that. But when I use one, I’ll certainly give you an update.”

“Well, in the meantime, Carter and I have been discussing the matter of Ryan.” This time it wasn’t the clang of a pan I heard, but instead a messy smack—the contact of Carter’s backhand with Dean’s head, I presumed. “Just hear me out. You have options. I have an Italian uncle. He’ll make sure Ryan is sleeping with the fishes by next week.”

“Dean!” Unable to repress my amusement, my eyes flew wide and my grin grew.

“Either that, or we can go all Sweeney Todd on him and—”

“Oh, will you stop?” My laughter was crippling. “There will be no calls to your uncle and no trip to the barber shop—please, leave Sweeney Todd out of it. My business with Ryan is water under the bridge and I don’t want to hear about it again, got it? At least not for three months.” The reality of that statement hit me. How would I get by without my best friends for three whole months?

“Kate?” His British accent switch flipped off when silence filled the receiver, voice low and soft. “Are you sure...I mean, are you okay?”

“Yeah, Dean. I’m okay,” I let out a long, slow breath, rolling my head back onto the couch pillow, fanning my raven locks out to run my fingers through them.

“Because it’s okay to miss him, you know.”

I waited.

“I do miss him...of course I miss him. I think....I miss him more now that I’m on the other side of the world. Thank you for asking.”

After a few more updates and plenty of laughs, we hung up and I was left alone in the muggy, dark, tropical silence. A bat swooped down over the pool, nearly scaring the piss out of me. Turning on the lamp closest to the sofa, I stood and walked to the room’s edge, dipping my toes in the pool. Gazing down over the slope of the mountain, the lush terrain enveloped me in sentiment, making me aware that this was a moment, this moment in silence, that I would remember always. My gaze drifted from the life down below out to the sea, the light breeze calling me to it with ethereal grace. Somewhere out there was an alternate me, one who never went to the gala that night, one who wasn’t standing here amongst this beauty, wishing she had someone to share it with.

Sounds of the rainforest permeated the side of the mountain and pushed into my room, reminding me of the falseness of alternate realities and the honesty of the present. There was no room for anything else tonight. Only honesty. Only this. Ryan was gone.

***

“Nanette, this is Ms. Parker. She’s going to be working with you from now on every morning before class. Well, what do you say?” Estelle, my new supervisor, introduced little Nanette to me, one of the students I’d be tutoring Monday through Friday.

“Hi, Ms. Parker,” her soft little voice rose from the ground to meet me, her eyes cast down, flawless ebony skin beautiful in the morning sunshine. The brightness poured in from the classroom windows, while children chattered away, and old-fashioned chalkboard dust floated amidst the sunlight.

“Call me Kate, Nanette.” I stood in the classroom doorway, my hands clasped in front of me, lips pressed tight. I always felt so awkward around children, never knew what to say. Kids were great, but the words always failed me for reasons I couldn’t quite grasp. At the literacy center in Seattle, I was used to working with teenagers with learning disabilities, or adults who never learned to read and needed help finding employment. Bending down to come to her level, I extended a hand and decided to approach her as an adult. “It’s very nice to meet you. I can’t wait to start reading with you. Are you looking forward to it?” She gave me her tiny hand, nodding her head with a shy smile. “Good. I am too.” Standing to my feet again, I turned to Estelle. “Where would you like me to put my things?”

She placed her hands on Nanette’s shoulders and glanced around. “Oh, anywhere behind that desk will do for now. I’ll show you around later this morning so you can see the lunchroom. And I’ll check with administration about your living quarters. Last I heard, you won’t need to stay at the hotel for long. They’re just waiting for Nina to move her things out so you’ll have a room at the apartment.”

I smiled, recalling the hilltop heaven I left this morning to head to work. “I’m not complaining. The Ladera is breathtaking.”

“Isn’t it, though? Pricey, but worth every dollar, that’s for sure.” She kneeled down and quietly asked Nanette to take her seat, then led me out into the corridor. “Before you get started, I just wanted to tell you how grateful I am that you were able to fill in like this for us on such short notice. When we received your call, we were thrilled to have someone with your background. Usually we have to go through a lengthy process to find a new tutor, you know. Usually takes us weeks to hire someone and get them settled. And we were in quite the jam. What brings you all the way to St. Lucia? You seemed very eager to start as soon as possible.”

We casually strolled down the hallway as doors closed around us and classes began. “Well, I’m very happy I could be of help, and I’m just as grateful that there was an opening like this. It really suits me perfectly. Thank you so much for helping me to expedite the visa process so that I could begin working right away.” I cleared my throat.
Oh, the other question.
“I was—am—very eager to start. I admit I came here on a bit of a whim, but I don’t regret it one bit.” I looked down, the ache in my gut prompting a dull throb at the mere mention of what’d driven me here. “This is a temporary assignment, but a welcome one. Let’s just say I needed a change of scenery.”

“Oh? I see,” Estelle smiled curiously, stopping to turn and rest her hand on my shoulder. “Well, we certainly need you.” She gestured for me to follow her back toward the classroom and I tucked her words way deep down, tattooed them on my heart, certain she had no idea that I needed her, this position, much more than she needed me.

***

“Any word...from him?” I asked Carter, fixing myself a fresh salad in the kitchen.

“Uh, no, sorry Kate. I’ve seen him around campus, but we steer clear of each other...”

“Good.”

“Good?”

“Yeah. Better that way, I guess.” It had only been less than a week since I’d arrived in St. Lucia, but it felt like a year.

“Kate...”

“Carter...”

“Fine, if that’s how you want to play it,” he sighed through the phone, and I swore I could see his expression, as clear as if he were sitting right next to me. “So they haven’t moved you into your apartment yet? You sure you’re okay on cash? That place is a fortune.”

I mixed some crisp sprouts into the wooden bowl, a blast of warm heat hitting my back from the room’s cliff opening. “Yeah, it’s okay. If I was worried about the cash, I wouldn’t have picked this place. I budgeted the money to spend two week’s worth on accommodations here, just in case they didn’t have the apartment ready yet. My boss said it’ll be ready Tuesday, so I won’t have to stay much longer.”

“Bummer.”

“Ha ha, right? I wish you and Dean could see this place, Carter. There’s literally no fourth wall in my room. I’m in the side of a mountain, with a cliff drop that opens up to a view of the ocean. It’s surreal. We’ll have to all come and visit together some day so you can see it for yourself.”

“Uh huh...sure. Maybe when my student loans are paid, I can ditch Ramen Noodles for my main course, and our band gets a real record deal. Then, maybe...”

“Damn. That’s depressing.”

“Thank you,
Ms. Sunshine
, spreading good cheer wherever you go.”

“When duty calls,” I smirked into the phone, well aware he could read my expression just as easily.