Pretending Hearts (26 page)

I pulled my knees to my chest as I listened to him rehash the concert. He wasn’t fishing for compliments, but I could tell my opinion mattered to him. He was bombarded with new fans after his song—praising his talent as a vocalist and a songwriter. But I was touched that what I thought still carried the most weight with him.

“I think you’re going to be the first superstar drummer slash songwriter,” I said.

“There already have been a few, but thank you. Us creative types need our egos stroked on a regular basis,” he said.

“My hope is to ride your coattails to fame and glory,” I laughed. Laughing released a portion of the fears I’d been harboring. I had started to forget what the sound of my own laughter was like. Cocking my head to the side, I nodded in the direction of the camera placed on the coffee table. “I took some pictures of the show. I haven’t completely figured out how to work your dad’s camera, but maybe you can look at what I got and tell me what you think.”

He removed the camera from the case and turned on the power. I watched as he pressed the button to scroll through the individual shots. I had wanted to capture him during his song, but I had been too transfixed to do anything but stare with my mouth hanging open.

“These are amazing, Delia,” he said when he finally stopped looking at the viewfinder. “For not ever using the camera, you seemed to have picked it up fast.”

“Not really, but I plan to learn. The camera has a great action mode that takes over three frames per second so the images were still sharp when you guys were moving on stage.”

“Wow, that sounded really geeky. I think I’m rubbing off on you,” he teased.

“I’m completely geeky now. Instead of trolling online for the newest brands of lip gloss, I’m looking at telephoto lenses and tripods.”

He grinned at me and I mirrored his ecstatic expression. Being happy was kind of an awesome feeling. I realized I’d been wasting way too much of life being bitter and resentful. After a long minute, I yawned. Levi straightened and looked at his watch.

“Wow, I can’t believe it’s three in the morning. I better get home,” he said and stood up.

“Or you could sleep over,” I blurted out. My hands covered my mouth in surprise.

His eyebrows lifted. “Are you inviting me to spend the night?”

I lowered my hands away from my face. “Well, it’s late. I don’t want you driving home tired. Fact: more accidents are caused by sleepiness than drunkenness.”

Levi smirked. “I’m touched that you’re concerned for my safety but I’m actually not tired at all. I’ve worked the graveyard shift for a year now and I’m used to being up at night.”

“Oh okay,” I said in a low voice.

“Unless there’s another reason you want me to stay?” he asked, humor lacing his voice.

“Fact: Delia Bridges is really into you and wants to be in your company as much as humanly possible,” I said. My voice was robotic, but I hoped my eyes showed him how serious I was.

He closed the distance between us. His thumb brushed over my lips and I watched his dark eyes fill with need. I closed my eyes and parted my lips as I waited for his lips to touch mine. He took his time, the anticipation becoming unbearable as each second passed without his kiss. Finally, he covered his mouth over mine and nipped at my lower lip. I let out a gasp and felt his tongue slip inside my mouth. I urged him to deepen the kiss by lacing my fingers behind his neck and pulling him closer. His fingers were splayed against my hip and I felt his hand inch higher before resting against the bare skin under the hem of my shirt.

I fell backwards onto the couch, but the movement didn’t break the kiss. He inhaled and stole my breath away. I’d give him all of me willingly. He kneeled before me with his knees pressing into the cushions. His hands were everywhere as we kissed. His fingers traced a line from my collarbone, over my breasts and down my belly. He cupped my breast in his palm and applied gentle pressure as we kissed. I let out a pleasurable sigh as his thumb grazed over my nipple.

“Delia…” He said my name like a gentle caress. The sound of his voice brought to life every nerve ending in my body. I was left feeling more aroused than ever before.

My nipples hardened from his touch and my response made him bold. He kissed me deeper—sucking gently on my tongue. His scent was overpowering and masculine and as I breathed him in, my back arched in response. The kisses were long, but I felt like they were fleeting. I didn’t want his kisses to stop because once they did, I was afraid the feeling I belonged to him would fade.

I felt him hard against my leg and his wants became my wants. I felt a tingling and the need for a release began to build. My hand reached out to stroke him—to feel the hard and silky length of him beneath my hands. Before I could wrap my fingers around his erection, Levi broke our kiss.

“You’re right, we should slow down,” I breathed.

Levi’s let out a pained laugh as his body tensed over mine. “I don’t remember saying that.”

“But the smart thing would be to not rush anything.” I tried not to look at him directly as I talked because my lust was making me want to jump on top of him and ride him until we both climaxed. After how worked up I was after a kiss, I didn’t think it would take long until I was completely over the edge.

I stood up and tried to smooth down the tangles in my hair. I wanted bedhead that would last for days, but reality was forcing its way into my thoughts. I may have given my brain the night off, but I was still trapped in the same body—a body that no longer fully belonged to me.

“I could stay though if the invitation is still open,” he suggested. “The couch looks very comfortable.”

My mood had shifted—Levi had a way of using his light to chase away my darkness. The crushing weight resting on my chest—ever-present since the night I took the pregnancy test—alleviated. “My bed is too,” I added, “Will it be cheesy for me to ask you to hold me?”

“Nothing you could say would be cheesy to me,” he said. He moistened his lips before adding, “I’ve wanted to be close to you for so long. You’re amazing—beautiful and smart. But I had no idea… no fucking clue how incredible it would feel to kiss you and touch you. And believe me, I’ve spent every night wishing for my chance.”

I wanted more than anything to put a freeze frame on the moment—because I couldn’t stand the thought of ever losing him. I was a girl who never believed in destiny and fate, but that couldn’t shake my certainty that Levi was the man I was always meant to be with. He brought me into his arms and I smiled into his neck. The heat of his body along with the memory of the stolen kisses made me question why I’d thought it was a good idea to take things slow.

Resting my head against his solid chest, I listened to his heartbeat. The sound was mesmerizing and my feelings for him bloomed as I soaked in the feel of his arms around me. I never wanted him to let me go.

***

Levi and I lay side by side in my queen bed. My leg would brush against his as we shifted and I would feel his touch deep in my belly. I was overwhelmed by my need to be close to him. We were quiet since we climbed into my bed and I wondered if he had already fallen asleep.

“Are you going to come any closer? I feel like we’re following the three inch rule imposed by the nuns at my high school dances,” he said through the darkness.

When Levi moved onto his side, I shifted until our bodies were flush. His arms wrapped around me and I laid my head flat against his bare chest. He had been under the covers with the lights out before I had come back from the bathroom, so I hadn’t caught the view of him bare-chested. But lying next to him, I allowed myself the pleasure of feeling the hard planes of his chest and abs. My nipples pebbled as they rubbed against each ridge. The sound of my breathing was amplified and I wondered how I’d actually get any sleep when lying next to the man who held the key to unlocking every one of my innermost desires.

I was quiet as I tried to gather my thoughts. “I’m not going to hold you to your promise. But I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said the other day. You know about how you’re not going anywhere.” 

I felt him nod his head. “I meant what I said.”

I swung my head around until my chin was resting on his chest. I could see his eyes glitter in the darkness. “I don’t want to lose you, so I need to hear that. I need to be sure that whatever I choose to do that you’re not going to leave because of my decision.”

“Delia, I see myself with you. I see myself with you in every possible future you could think up,” he said heatedly. “There’s no one else for me. I’ve known that for a while now.”

“I love you,” I whispered.

His kiss was tentative as he brushed his lips against mine—a tease of what he had to offer. My lips parted and our tongues start dancing slowly and erotically. The kiss was charged and I felt the current course through my body as his lips continued their exploration. The kiss ended, but our mouths remained a hairbreadth away from one another.

“I love you too,” he murmured. “And I will always love you.”

The rest of the world fell away as his words penetrated. He sealed his promise of forever with a chaste kiss on my lips. His fingers traced circles over the bare skin on my shoulder and I allowed myself to stay cocooned in our own little world.

We belonged only to each other and what we had was real and beautiful. I never expected to tell anyone I loved him, much less be the one to say the words first. But I was growing up and becoming the person I never knew I could be. Maybe that girl had been buried under layers of resentments, but she had emerged and felt ready to take on whatever the world threw at her.

Each day after my classes, I’d lay out each pamphlet on the table from Planned Parenthood. I read each pamphlet cover to cover and wait for a sign. I waited for a twinge in my gut to tell me which choice I should be making. I was caught in a trap and the only way out was to sever a part of me. But I couldn’t make the call. I was in love and being in love was giving me fantastical notions—ideas that I didn’t have only one option anymore.

What I had learned so far was that if teens wanted to be frightened out of unplanned pregnancy, they should be forced to read the Planned Parenthood literature over and over again. I wondered who in their right mind would let their children pose for some of the flyers they handed out. One of the pamphlets had a picture of a crying toddler with the caption: “Honestly, Mom, chances are he won’t stay with you. What happens to me?”

I felt a migraine coming along and gathered up the pamphlets and chucked them in the trash bin. I already knew I screwed up—I didn’t need to keep looking at pictures of miserable babies asking me if I had any idea how much they’d cost me each year. At least with the adoption brochures, the babies were smiling and being hugged by a set of parents who looked like they had just swallowed a whole bottle of happy pills.

I hadn’t seen Levi since our sleepover, but we had called and texted each day. With my classes and his work schedule, the weekends were the only time we could make set plans. I missed him, but I needed a little distance from the happy bubble I hid inside when he was near.

Harder yet were my attempts at trying to keep up a ruse of normalcy. My brother was perceptive and he was asking more and more probing questions each time we spoke. He guessed something was off after our lunch and he was trying to figure out if my mood swings were rooted from my normal angst or if something else was going on. I wanted to confide in him, the way I had time and time again, but I had to learn to stand on my own and not always rely on Blake to go into disaster recovery mode.

What could Blake honestly do for me? There wasn’t much he or anyone else could do to change my predicament. Although seeing Blake leave Wyatt bloodied and broken would offer some satisfaction, I wouldn’t be any less pregnant.

The phone rang and I wondered if my thoughts of Blake had beckoned him across the emotional void and he was reaching out. When I checked my cell screen, I figured my signal must have been diverted and sent to the wrong person.

“Hello,” I answered.

“Hi, I’m glad I finally caught you.” Autumn’s tone was perky and I guessed she could hear the strain in my tone.

“I’ve been busy. I meant to call you back sooner,” I said distractedly. Purposely, I tried to keep my distance from Autumn. Not only was our relationship confusing, but also I didn’t want her to find out about the pregnancy. I’d taken a risk by confiding in Casey, but despite her tight friendship with Autumn, she kept my secret.

“Were you free for dinner? Nothing too fancy, but maybe grabbing some takeout?” Her voice was hopeful and I wondered at her motives. Did she really want to get closer to me? Or was the distance between her and my brother getting to be too much and I was expected to act as his proxy?

“I’m actually feeling sick, so I’ll have to pass,” I said softly. At her silence, I added in a gentle voice, “Rain check?”

“Did I do something?” she asked sharply.

“Huh?”

“I just thought we were moving forward… maybe not friends yet, but working through our issues. But for weeks, I’ve felt like you’re icing me out for some reason. I only hear about how you’re doing through Casey,” she said hurriedly.

“Autumn, I don’t know how to have a friendship with you. Things aren’t so complicated with Casey,” I admitted.