Primperfect (7 page)

‘Because of the Karen thing?'

‘I think it grew from Kevin, as it happens.'

‘Oh.'

Felix doesn't like Kevin very much. He thinks that he is fake, and kind of posey. I wouldn't know only Ella told me so and she doesn't lie … Ella is a very moral person. She is kind to small and fragile things.

‘Are you and Kevin still …?' asked Felix, like he cares.

‘No. He has another girlfriend now. Not that I was his girlfriend officially.'

‘It still matters,' he said, like he gets it.

‘It's fine,' I said. ‘I don't even care. I mean, I do. But I shouldn't. And it was probably good enough for me. You shouldn't hook up with people your friends like like that. I mean, it isn't kind. It wasn't kind of me. And now I'm being punished for it or something. Between the two of them. I mean, Kevin and Joel. I'm getting sick of being pushed away.'

‘Well, if you ever need to talk or anything,' he said, and I could tell he was only saying it to be nice, only saying it because I've puked my feelings out at him and what else do you say to someone who is full of sad and wanting so to not be any more?

‘Thanks,' I said. And then, ‘I'd better go.'

‘Let me know how it goes. With Joel. What you decide to do,' he said.

And I said that I would and then I went to catch the bus and think until my brain was sick from thinking.

What

am

I

going to do

at all,

at all?

LETTER TO KAREN
draft 123

Sorrel says if you use almond oil every single day you won't get stretch marks.

Quote from Prim's mum's diary

haven't cut myself in ages. But there are times I really, really want to. There are lines on my hips, ridges. Little scars I made upon my body and I look at them tonight and want to open them back up and let the blood eke out and concentrate on something bad that is on the outside of my body and not the inside. I wish I were a better person than I am. I wish that I were very, very different. I scratch at the nose-spot until it blooms a red disgusting thing. All the pus picked out. It won't go down for ages if you pick. I think it is the lesser of two evils. If I am going to dig something out of myself, I'd
rather it was that

Fintan is thinking about taking up yoga. Sorrel says it is good for your back. He gets old-man back pain. He still asks about the diaries a lot. I wish he hadn't read them before giving them to me. But on the other hand, I'm glad because he now remembers what happened through my mother's teenage eyes as well as through his own and so feels guilty.

When Mum was alive, I thought of Joel as my best friend, but really it was probably my mum. But now she isn't here and that means Joel actually is my best friend and I want him to be safe and loved and happy. The power dynamic in his relationship could be off. I mean, it probably is. The older you are, the more money and experience you have and it's not fair.

I think I might hate Duncan. I wish I knew his surname so I could stalk him on the Internet. I probably could find it out if Joel hadn't blocked me on things. I also could probably find out through Ciara, but I don't know how comfortable Joel will be if I tell everyone his business. His ill-advised sugar-daddy business. They probably are doing it. He's that much older, I bet he would expect it. And Joel is so needy. He's wanted a boyfriend for ages upon ages. Now he has one, he would probably do a lot to keep him. Things he isn't ready for. Or feels he is. At least he can't get pregnant. He could catch things though. If he isn't using condoms.

Everyone but me has such grown-up concerns. My biggest thing is Joel being my friend again and being happy. The being happy is for me not him. I think he mostly is. At least I hope so. He deserves to be. I'm not sure that I do. I'm very selfish.

Joel I'm hearing things about you.

What things?

About you and an older man called Duncan.
Should I be worried?

No. You only worry about your friends and we aren't friends any more.

I am still your friend.

Well, I'm not yours, so stay out of my business.

I want to respect your privacy. But I am worried.
Do your parents know?

Is that a threat? This is typical you. Gah.

It is not typical me. I am being atypical. I promise.

So, I'm guessing they don't know then. Which is fine, but if they knew, they really wouldn't like it. And I'm not sure if being a good friend even though you aren't my friend any more means that I should tell them or not tell them.

It means you should not tell them. Duh.

I'm not convinced.

What would it take to convince you?

Tea and company.

That is blackmail.

Yes.

You are blackmailing me into hanging out with you.

Yes.

You are pathetic.

Yes, but you are worth it.

Christ.

Free Friday evening? Should we meet at your house or mine, or somewhere neutral, like a coffee shop or the cinema?

Busy Friday.

Are you seeing Duncan, the grown-up man?

Don't call him that. Yes. I can meet you Saturday in town. For an hour.

I'll take what I can get.

I wish there was a hatredy face that I could send you. The closest I can get is this. But, like, imagine it times a hundred in terms of bile.

Harsh. Still excited to see you, though.

And I am. I am ridiculously excited to see my friend whom I have blackmailed into spending time with me through subtle threats that weren't very subtle. I can't decide whether this makes me awesome or not. I am looking forward to Saturday. I probably won't ask him sex-questions till we've gone for hush-tea at least once more. Hush-tea is like hush-money, only I get to spend time with Joel and so it's better. I miss him so much. I am such a loser.

I wonder what I'll wear? Karen dresses pretty well, and I know it's not like a date, but I feel like I should make sartorial choices that show that I bring just as much, if not more, to the table. My eyeliner definitely needs work. If this were a date with a normal boy, I would ring Ciara and be all
‘WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?'
and
‘AGH'
. Actually, if this were a date with a normal boy I:

Wouldn't ring Ciara to talk about clothes.

Wouldn't hugely care what I wore. I mean, I would a bit, but Joel is more important. More important than anyone.