Primperfect (30 page)

151.
Will not tell my mother if I start eating my own hair again. Will not allow me to show weakness in front of her.

152.
Will not be anyone Prim has a crush on.

153.
Will not be anyone Ella has a crush on.

154.
Will not be related to Brian McAllister.

155.
Will not be related to me, even distantly.

156.
Will not be weird about me not taking communion since Grandma Lilly died.

157.
Will not be weird about me going to mass every Sunday since Grandma Lily died.

158.
Will be OK with me posting cute pictures of us together/him on Facebook.

159.
Will be proud of me.

160.
Will be someone I can be proud of.

161.
Will have a strong work ethic.

162.
Will also have a strong play ethic.

163.
Will travel with me.

164.
Will have a moderately sized nose.

165.
Will not squeeze his spots or pick his ears in public.

166.
Will not scratch or adjust himself (by which I mean his man-parts) in public.

167.
Will have a nice voice, deep and gentle.

168.
Will speak at least two languages.

169.
Will know how to behave in restaurants.

170.
Will not start fights with people.

171.
Will be strong enough that should a fight arise he will be able to finish it.

172.
Will know about plumbing.

173.
Will know about gardening.

174.
Will not expect me to learn about, or be interested in, plumbing or gardening.

175.
Will not undermine me.

176.
If I gain weight, will still stay with me.

177.
Will not become fat.

178.
Will not lose his hair.

179.
Will be decisive.

180.
Will not boss me around.

181.
Will be honest with me about clothing that does or does not suit me.

182.
Will think I look lovely, no matter what I wear.

183.
Will want to have my babies a little bit, even though I won't want his.

184.
Will have a lithe, muscular frame like a sexy vampire who goes back to secondary school in order to find his soul-mate.

185.
Will consider me his soul-mate.

186.
Will complete me.

187.
Will have a car when we are a bit older.

188.
Will give me lifts to things, even if he isn't going to those things himself.

189.
Will be quite deep, but not in a way that makes me feel shallow or stupid.

190.
Will require my input for every important decision he makes.

191.
Will be his own man.

192.
Will be the strong silent type.

193.
Will not be too quiet.

194.
Will never have a goatee.

195.
Will never have a tongue piercing.

196.
Will never have a nipple or downstairs piercing.

197.
Will never have a nose piercing.

198.
Will not have a tattoo, unless it is a really beautiful one.

199.
Will have enough confidence to model my man-hats in pictures for my portfolio.

200.
Will not be a transvestite.

201.
Will be the type of man who can pull off nail varnish and eyeliner.

202.
Will not be the type of man who wears nail varnish and eyeliner all the time, though.

203.
Will sit with me at parties when I am in one of my afraid-of-people moods.

204.
Will look damn good in a tuxedo.

205.
Will never drink and drive.

206.
Will never, ever wear just a T-shirt and nothing else, like a freak.

207.
Will sometimes wear well-fitting boxers and nothing else, like a man in a coffee ad.

208.
Will be able to brew good coffee.

209.
Will have jobs in cool shops and bars while we are in college.

210.
Will accept that I am moving to London to be a milliner, so our relationship will have to be either long distance or over unless he moves with me.

211.
Will be accepting of all different types of people and their beliefs.

212.
Will not make fun of old women.

213.
Will not talk down to me.

214.
Will know stuff about cars.

215.
Will be good at lifting things.

216.
Will not lift things to excess, like a gross veiny body-builder.

217.
Will have friends that gel well with my friends.

218.
Will not have too many ex-girlfriends.

219.
Will probably have to have some ex-girlfriends, though, because it adds an aura of desirability.

220.
Will not wear an excess of hair product.

221.
Will be open to a lot of gentle guidance as to what sort of clothing does and does not suit him.

222.
Will enjoy listening to me sing as I go about the house doing bits and pieces.

223.
Will not make fun of people to make himself feel more normal.

224.
Will appreciate that we are all a little odd and that this is a beautiful thing.

225.
Will have basic first-aid skills.

226.
Will be confident and broad-shouldered.

227.
Will not resemble a confident, broad-shouldered politician but rather a hot actor or musician or something.

228.
Will think that I have ‘fine eyes'.

229.
Will watch soap operas with me and listen patiently as I explain the inter-connectedness of the characters' lives, and by extension humanity itself.

230.
Will not tell Prim about the High School Musical watching that will probably happen.

231.
Will take charge of a situation if needs be, but not in a bossy way.

232.
Will never grow a beard with no moustache because that is creepy.

233.
Will change his clothing and socks on an extremely regular basis.

234.
Will be somebody I am in love with.

HELLO,
this is the portion of the book where I get to talk to you directly for the purposes of thanking. Thanks to all the people who read and liked the first two, particularly the artist who managed to sneak a letter into my mum's handbag at my book launch. It makes me shine with happiness when people like Prim.

Someone who has always liked Prim is the wonderful Siobhán Parkinson, lady-boss of Islands and of words. I'm very grateful Siobhán, thanks a million.

At Siobhán's side, there used to be the magnificent Elaina O'Neill, but then she got another job and another name. Elaina Ryan, in the words of a hatless bear, ‘Thank you anyway' for supportiveness and prim-thusiasm.

Gráinne Clear, thank you for helping this book be a book, I'm happy you get to work on the Little Island now. You're my prez always.

Fidelma Slattery, a woman of many talents who makes Prim's venting easy on the eye in an artful and creative manner.

Diarmuid O'Brien. You are my favourite human being. Thanks for listening and being there and having shoulders. ‘No one is' is a lie.

Mary and Tim Sullivan, ye raised me. Well done there. Thanks for teaching me kindness and strength by example. I'll keep learning.

Alacoque Sullivan, dancer, artist and seasoned traveller. I love you, Nana.

Writing buddies make the world a better place: Sarah Maria Griffin and Dave Rudden, ye are the bosses of everything. I like working in COMPLETE SILENCE with ye.

Graham Tugwell, Claire Hennessy and Sheena Wilkinson for being marvellous at vent-listening and plot hashing.

To Ciara Banks and Suzanne Keaveney for being crazy supportive and marvellous.

To Donnacha O'Brien, for the shelves and promotional work. Go Go Team Danger!!

To Sinéad O'Brien for being a magnificent player and all round good friend.

And finally, to Joshua for teaching me that words do not equal communication, nor should they. To Neil for having fantastic taste in music and constantly trying his best, even when the world is very noisy. To Emma, who is great at writing letters and being kind to small and fragile things. To Josh, who taught me that everything is better if you are also singing. To Grace, for making old words new with her beautiful voice. And to Daniel for lighting up the room.