Primperfect (22 page)

My stomach is huge. It's impossibly huge. If I were wearing big clown shoes, I still wouldn't be able to see my feet. I think the baby will come soon. I'm not quite at my due date, but I feel like a microwave that's just about to ping. Come get me, doctors, I'm done with this. It's cooked.

Quote from Prim's mum's diary

CIARA:

Was it weird that I tried to hook up with Robb? It was weird, wasn't it? It was weird! I'm sorry. Let's never speak of it again.

JOEL:

Hey. So I hear you got wasted and puked everywhere. I shouldn't have to hear that stuff from Karen, Prim. You should tell me all your embarrassing things first. So I can be supportive and also make fun of you. O Also, I might have mildly lost some of my virginity. Exciting times.

CIARA:

What happened was, I went in for the kiss with him and he moved his head away and I got his cheek and he was all, ‘I'm kind of with your friend, what are you doing?' and I said that you were fine with it and he said, ‘You
talked
about this?' and then he looked a bit sad but I still tried to hook up with him again because I am a single-minded drunk and he did the cheek thing again and now I can't even think about him without feeling terribly embarrassed and ashamed and sort of like a predator.

CIARA:

What are you doing? he asked, What are you doing? Oh, God. WHAT WAS I DOING?

JOEL:

We'll talk in person about it. But you have to promise not to get all judgey and ask leading questions that imply that he is taking advantage of me.

JOEL:

I know you can't help doing that. But you can't blame me for trying to stop you. I might be in love with him, Prim. Sometimes it dances up into my mouth and I have to swallow it down, because I'm scared that if I say it, it will change EVERYTHING.

ROBB:

Do you want to meet up next week? x

ROBB:

That sounds cool – but you have to show up. You can't, like, pimp me out to one of your friends or anything. x

FELIX:

Are you all right? How's the head?

ELLA:

What happened at the party? You were normal, a bit expressive, but normal. But Felix told me things about puking on and in things and it makes me worry. Did you get food poisoning or were you just drunk?

ELLA:

Oh. You probably shouldn't drink any more, then. We can be sober together. Like a club. Felix saw you get sick all right. He got a bit on his runners, but you mostly puked on Robb with two bees, apparently. Felix thinks he's sound. They were talking about music and things while you were vomming in the shower tray.

JOEL:

I'll come over to your house and we'll watch a movie. I don't want to talk about underage sexing in a public place. In case Duncan gets arrested or my mum finds out.

JOEL:

He SHOULD NOT get arrested, Prim. God, sometimes I wonder why I tell you stuff at all. Maybe you should be arrested for underage drinking and wilful destruction of property.

JOEL:

Loads of people's shoes, apparently.

FELIX:

Don't worry about it. I got most of it out with a toothbrush. It makes them a bit more rock and roll or something. Probably.

ROBB:

They were not my only pair of shoes, Prim. Do you want to go see the Deep Tinkers play on Thursday? x

ROBB:

Oh. I'm sorry. Who told your dad? x

ROBB:

Who is she again? The one with the Aspergers or the one who is the devil? x

NORA:

Are you OK? Karen texted me to tell me you'd made a complete fool of yourself. Which you totally didn't. Because I've seen worse. I've seen her be worse.

ELLA:

You are a nice person. Are you coming to see Felix play on Thursday? Caleb is coming with me.

ELLA:

I know. I would hate if Felix were in prison. But he doesn't really break the law.

SYZMON:

How is the head? Don't worry about it. It is what happens when there is a party. I've been that guy before. Everyone has been that guy.

SYZMON:

Did Ciara say anything about me?

CIARA:

I don't know. Why is he asking you?

CIARA:

OK, you can tell him I said that I really like him as a friend and that I miss spending time with him.

CIARA:

Do NOT tell him about Robb. I don't want anyone to know.

KEVIN:

How's the head?

KEVIN:

I wasn't being mean. I am genuinely concerned for your head.

KEVIN:

We didn't kiss. I have a girlfriend, Prim. Jesus.

KEVIN:

Siobhán's here with me right now. She knows I'm texting you.

SIOBHAN:

Hi, Prim. I'm sorry you made a fool of yourself on Saturday. These things happen, though. Kevin gave me your number. I know he was texting you. We tell each other everything.

JOEL:

WHAT. A. TOOLBAG.

CIARA:

Can't believe that. She was always odd, though. Even when I was friends with her. She'll turn on him. Mark my words.

ELLA:

Ugh. That text would make me feel sad. Did it make you feel sad? I am going to glare at Siobhán next time I see her. I'd offer to have Mr Cat attack Wayne Rooney but it isn't Kevin's dog's fault his owner is an idiot.

CIARA:

It's very unhealthy to be so co-dependent early on. Maybe they'll become serial killers together.

CIARA:

I miss Syzmon. (Don't tell him I said that.)

SYZMON:

So, what you are saying is I should not give up all hope?

JOEL:

Karen tagged you in a photograph. She must have unblocked you. You are clearly going to be besties now.

JOEL:

Oh, sorry. I didn't look at it properly. You should report her for that. They'll take it down. Have you untagged yourself?

CIARA:

It's just one of your legs. No-one will know it's you anyway.

CIARA:

I hate her too, sweetheart.

CIARA:

Did you talk to your dad yet?

CIARA:

Stop pretending to be asleep and go and talk to him.

CIARA:

Like pulling off a bandage.

CIARA:

Go Team!

CIARA:

Is he gonna tell Mam about the drinking?

ROBB:

I don't care about Lion Tamarind Monkeys, Prim. How are you keeping? X

DOLPHIN LAURA:

How's the head? Heard you had a bit of a late one!!

DOLPHIN LAURA:

Well, I certainly didn't notice any foolish behaviour. What did u get up 2, you scamp?

DOLPHIN LAURA:

We've all been there.

ROBB:

We didn't kiss. I like to kiss you when you know it's me. x

ROBB:

I don't like monkeys at all actually. Their wise little faces unnerve me. x

ROBB:

Please stop. Monkeys shouldn't be orange. Brown is the colour they're supposed to be. x

ROBB:

Why are you doing this? x

ROBB:

Is it a weird form of flirting? x

ROBB:

Because I don't think monkeys are sexy and if you do, I think we'll have a problem. x

ROBB:

OMG Prim, stop. I'll turn off my phone. x

ROBB:

I will tell you dreadful things about otters if you don't stop. X

I thought that once you were in labour things would go quickly. That it would be BOOM, pain, swearing, baby. But no. I am walking around waiting for my cervix to dilate. I have been OK with not having a dilated cervix for all of my life up till now. Dilation was for pupils when I looked at Fintan or biscuits. Less so at Fintan these days. He is being very unsupportive. Biscuits are probably a better bet.

Quote from Prim's mum's diary

ad is banning me from all things that could have drink at them for three months. This includes dancey things, house parties, Junior Cert results night and cinema after 7PM unless I am accompanied by an adult chaperone.

‘That's ridiculous.'

‘Less ridiculous than puking all over your friend's house.'

‘Yes.'

‘Really?'

‘No. But it is unfair.' I frowned at him.

‘More unfair than lying about where you are staying at night to your aging father?' He was enjoying this a bit too much.

‘You aren't that aging.'

‘I'm more aged than you. And that means I know some things about the way the world works. Let me break it down for you. I am the adult. So I have the money and the authority and the power. You are the child, so you have none of these things unless I give them to you. Which I often choose to do, because you are my daughter and I love you. But, at the end of the day, Prim, what I say goes.'

‘You never told me not to drink,' I pointed out.

‘I asked you whether there would be drink there, and you told me that there would be but it wouldn't be your drink.'

‘That much was true, though.'

‘Whose drink was it, so?' he asked.

‘People's.'

‘So you were going around stealing other people's drink all night?'

‘No.'

‘Then it was your drink. I don't care who actually bought it or brought it. What I care about is whose gullet it went down.'

‘Gross.'

‘What?'

‘I've booked an appointment with Caroline and informed her about this debacle. And –'

‘And you will be going every week for the next four weeks. Longer if she thinks you need it. I am not letting you develop a drinking problem.'

‘I am
NOT
developing a drinking problem, Dad.'

‘You denied the cutting thing too. But I've seen the scars on your legs and stomach.'

‘When were you looking at my stomach? Jesus.'

‘I'm going for dinner with Sorrel tonight. And I've asked Mary if you can stay at her house.'

‘And be, like, minded? I'm not a baby, Dad.'

‘If you want to be treated like a grown-up, you can start acting like one.'

‘Some grown-ups get drunk,' I muttered.

‘Well, they don't puke all over their friends' houses and get filmed doing it.'

‘I bet some of them do.'

‘You've got a very smart mouth, haven't ya?' he went pure country on that last bit. When Dad goes country you know he's really irked.

‘I'm sorry, Dad,' I said.

And I kind of meant it. He looked all worried. And I did feel bad about making an idiot of myself. Not that I think I did anything wrong, apart from drink too much. I mean, everyone lies to their parents. It's like a big part of being a teenager is lying to other people about what you do and how you think and how you feel. It might be a big part of being an adult too, for all I know. Loads of adults lie. Dad lied to Mum. He said he loved her. And that they were going to get married. And look how that turned out.

‘Yes, well. You're lucky all that happened is you threw up a bit. Girls have to be careful you know. Someone could have taken advantage of you.' Had someone told him about the no-pants thing? They couldn't have. I mean, I'm still alive.

‘At Syzmon's party?'

‘If you'd lost your friends. Bad things can happen anywhere, Prim. No matter how safe you feel, you're never fully safe. And if you're drunk, you're way more vulnerable. You need to keep your eyes open to the world around you.'

‘I do, Dad. I'm normally very careful. I've never got like that before. It was … it was scary. I didn't like it and I feel terrible.'

‘OK. Well, we've discussed it now. So all you have to do is take your punishment and we'll say no more about it.'

He totally will say more about it, though. I know my dad: he won't be able to help himself. It'll eat away at him, how right he was. How much moral high ground he gained and, next time he needs to crawl back up there, he'll use that night to make his point more pointy. Sharper. Not that I really blame him. I mean, I'd do it too. If I were in his fancy leather shoes.

I'd like to live in a world where people didn't gather ammunition on each other. Sadly, that world would only contain me and perhaps a companion animal. Maybe a chinchilla. Chinchillas seem like gentle little dudes. It'd need to be pretty live-and-let-live to be on my island and put up with me. If there were even one other person there, though, there would be gathering. Hunting for ammo, gathering it up and using it to hurt a person later or to make their little point. Sometimes I wish I weren't even human. I wish I were a soft, peaceable thing. Like a chinchilla or a guinea-pig. I could be gentler then, if I didn't have this big a brain. If I were mostly made of soul and instinct.

Who did I kiss? I really wish I could remember. Was it Felix? There's no way it could have been him, right?