PRINCE CHARMING M.D. (29 page)

She'd never once thought about his feelings or what he might want. She'd blindly gone through the motions, taking instead of giving, assuming the worst instead of allowing him a chance, making him live up to her standards without bothering to inquire about his. She'd promised herself she wouldn't fall in love with him because he wasn't worth the risk. But
she
was the unworthy one. She was the flawed character, while he was the prize.

To her, he'd been little more than a caricature, not a flesh-and-blood man who could feel and be hurt. She'd never thought he could love anyone … not even her.

She sank to the carpet and rested her forehead against her knees. The shame poured over her, accompanied by regret and a sense of loss. To have come so close to everything she'd ever wanted and to have lost it because she was a thoughtless, self-centered idiot. How could she have acted that way? When had she become so incredibly shallow that she thought she had the right to judge others based on her unfounded assumptions?

There were no answers, no comfort of any kind. Perhaps if she had given her all, it would have been easier to accept her defeat, but she'd never bothered to try. She'd simply taken without thought, had blindly ignored the possibilities and the man. She'd betrayed him in the most soul-destroying way possible. Not by having dinner with Roger, but by taking his affection and his body without giving a moment's thought to the man inside.

He'd loved her and she hadn't bothered to notice. She'd been too sure she was right about everything. She'd never even realized she was falling for him, as well. Roger had been right. She did love Trevor. And now he was gone.

Chapter Sixteen

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"
Y
ou look terrible," Lee said bluntly.

Dana had done her best to avoid glancing at herself in the mirror that morning, but she'd seen enough to know Lee was actually being kind. She looked a lot worse than terrible; she looked as if she'd been emotionally beaten up,
then
left for roadkill. If any of that was true, she had only herself to blame.

"I know." Dana shrugged. "I feel worse than I look, which is kind of scary."

Katie moved close to her in the round booth they had in the back of Granetti's and put her arm around her. "Dana, I knew something was wrong from the sound of your voice when you called. You have to tell us what's going on. We're your friends. We love you and we want to help."

"I know." Dana cleared her throat. It wasn't just that she was fighting tears. Everything hurt. Her entire body felt as if it had been flattened by a steamroller. She couldn't eat, hadn't slept in a couple of days. Basically she was a wreck, and the situation didn't show any signs of getting better. "I figure I can hang on for about three more days,
then
I'll start making mistakes at work. I just wish there were something I could do."

Katie and Lee exchanged confused glances. Lee leaned forward. "While acting mysterious is, I'm sure, entertaining for
you,
we can't help if we don't know what's going on. Come on, Dana. Spill it."

"There's nothing you guys can do. I made all the mistakes. I suppose that's what's so incredibly disheartening. I can't blame anyone but myself. I was even proud of my actions. I thought I was so smart. I—" She felt the tears start to form. While she was at the hospital, it was relatively easy to maintain control, but here, among friends, she found herself weakening.

"Trevor and I aren't going out anymore," she said, then wiped her face.

"You broke up?" Katie asked.

"Sort of. I thought…" She covered her face with her hands and tried to get control. After taking a couple of deep breaths, she straightened and looked at her friends. "The truth is, I wasn't thinking." She told them what had happened, starting with her desire to make sure she didn't get too emotionally involved, then ending up with the dinner with Roger and the resulting discussion with Trevor.

"'Discussion' isn't the right word," she admitted when she'd finished. "I don't know what else to call it, though. We didn't fight. He told me what he thought of me, and there was nothing I could say to change his mind. I feel like such a fool. How could I have been so blind? Worse, how could I have acted like that? I never thought of myself as cruel and shallow, but with him, I was both those things."

"Is that really what's bothering you?" Lee asked.

"I don't understand."

Katie glanced at Lee and nodded. "What she's asking is, are you the most concerned about finding out you
have
some negative qualities? Is that the most upsetting part of this situation?"

Dana realized the point her friends were trying to make. She thought about the past three days, how she hadn't been able to sleep or eat. She felt as if she were living in a void, where time and space had no meaning. She went through the motions of her job, talking to people when necessary, functioning, but not really alive.

"I'm not happy with what I've learned about myself," she said slowly. "Obviously I would like to be a better person. But that's not causing me the real pain. I'm hurting because I lost a chance with a wonderful man. Trevor is all I've ever dreamed about. It never occurred to me he would be interested in me, so I didn't take him seriously."

Dana paused,
then
winced. "No, wait. I'm done lying to myself, too. I did think it was unlikely Trevor would be interested in me, but that's not the real reason I held back. I was afraid. I didn't want to love him, because he was too close to perfect for me. If I gave with my whole heart and then lost him, I wasn't sure I would survive. I watched my mother all those years. Life passed her by while she waited to be rescued. Several
kind
, loving decent men wanted to marry her, but she wouldn't have them. She had her ideal and nothing was going to stand in the way of that. Maybe she was right to wait, but I think she took an awful risk. She could have been alone forever. I didn't want that for myself. I wasn't willing to hold out for a fantasy. I wanted someone genuine."

"So when the fantasy came along, you couldn't let yourself trust in him," Lee said.

"I guess." Dana tucked her hair behind her ears. "I can't believe it hurts this much. I had him and I didn't even know. I let him slip between my fingers because of pride. Because I wouldn't believe in him or me."

Katie looked at her. "I keep hearing you say that you lost him and didn't know you had him. I understand that's painful, but I'm not sure that it really matters. You're talking about saving face, Dana, not a broken heart. You haven't said one word about loving him."

Dana knew her friend was right. "I'm afraid," she whispered. "Admitting that will make it worse."

"Admitting that is the only way to get what you want." Lee leaned forward and rested her arms on the table. "Nothing you've described is irreversible. Of course Trevor is angry and hurt, but the bottom line is he wasn't exactly forthcoming with his feelings, either. He never told you he loved you or was thinking about proposing. You were both guilty of hiding what you felt, because you were afraid. Okay, you were wrong in how you acted. You've accepted that and you've learned from your mistake. Next time you won't be so quick to judge him."

"It's not that simple," Dana said, wishing it could be. If only there
were a way
to convince Trevor of her feelings.

"You're making it more complicated than it needs to be," Lee told her.

"Lee's right," Katie said. "Look at what Trevor objected to. That you held back and never planned on getting serious about him. What if he found out that wasn't true anymore?"

"How?"

"You didn't want anyone to know you two were going out," Lee said. "You were afraid of the gossip and what people would say when it ended, right?"

Dana nodded.

"So, start the rumors that you two are an item. Let them get back to Trevor. Let people know how you feel about him. Be proud of him. Be excited about having him in your life. You've wounded his male pride in a huge way, but I don't think you've changed what is in his heart. If you have, then it's better to know that now, before you get more involved."

"Good point," Katie said. "If this was enough to make him fall out of love with you, then good riddance to him. Otherwise start mending fences. Admit you were horrible to him and tell him why. Tell him you were afraid. He'll understand, Dana. He's a good man. He's worth fighting for."

Their advice washed over her, taking the sting out of the worst of the wounds and giving her hope. Maybe there was still hope. If she could show Trevor that she wasn't afraid to fight for him, that she desperately wanted him, he might be willing to give her a second chance.

"I have to try," she said slowly, still formulating plans in her mind. "If I don't, I'll regret this for the rest of my life. I love him. I won't just let him go."

While talking with her friends didn't take away the gaping hole in her chest, Dana felt more in control when she returned to her office after lunch. She didn't have a plan yet, but she wasn't going to give up without a fight. She was a hundred percent responsible for Trevor's reaction to all that had happened, so it was up to her to fix it. If only she knew exactly how to make him believe in her again.

Before she could outline a few strategies, Sally and Melba walked into her office. The three women discussed a few scheduling issues, then Sally leaned back in her chair and sighed dramatically.

"This has been the best week of my life," she said. "For the past six days, Trevor and I have been together constantly."

Dana glanced from one of her nurses to the other. It was now or never. "No, you haven't."

Sally grinned. "I don't mean work. Of course he's been here and at his office. But other than that…" Her voice trailed off and she raised her eyebrows suggestively.

"I'm not talking about work, either. The six previous days include the weekend, which Trevor spent with me. And I do mean
with me
. In fact, he was at my place for most of it. We went to a movie, so that got us out of the house, but aside from that, it was just him and me, alone. Three nights ago he was having dinner with his parents." She had to be careful about that one. Three nights ago, her world had come crashing down around her. If she thought about it too much, she might lose control.

"I know the time they met and the name of the restaurant," she continued. "And I know you weren't there."

Sally's mouth hung open. "That's not true," she said. Her face turned bright red. "Of course I was with him."

Melba looked amused. "You know, boss, I've long suspected that Sally and Angie were stretching the truth a bit.
Poor Dr.
MacAllister couldn't have been doing what they both said and still stayed awake during surgery." She patted Sally's arm. "It's okay. I know why you did it. But come clean. You and the good doctor have never been an item."

Sally straightened in her chair. "Of course we have. It's just—" Her voice broke and she dropped her chin to her chest. "Dammit, Angie was going on and on about how Trevor had asked her out. She was so smug I couldn't stand it. So I sort of made up some details."

Dana had already guessed the truth, but it was nice to have it confirmed. "If it makes you feel any better, he was never dating Angie, either."

Melba looked at her with interest. "But you have been seeing him, haven't you?"

"Yes."

"Go, girl! Talk about still waters running deep." She leaned forward in her chair. "Tell me. Is he as wonderful as he looks?"

Dana leaned forward, too. The pain in her chest was still there, but it had subsided a little. Trevor was angry and hurt, with good reason. She'd treated him badly. But he loved her and he wasn't the kind of man to give that love lightly. If she could get him to listen, he might be willing to give her a second chance.

"He's better," she said. "He's the most wonderful man in the world. Not perfect, but perfect for me."

"Wow." Melba sank back in her seat. "How long have you been going out with him?"

"A few weeks."

"You've kept it quiet."

"Until we were both sure, we didn't want to be the subject of speculation." She glanced at both women. "You know how people talk."

Melba laughed. "They do go around flapping their lips, even when there's no reason. Are you still keeping it quiet?"

Dana took a deep breath. This was the chance. If she gave permission, word would spread so fast, it would be old news by four. There was risk involved, though. Trevor might not give her that second chance and her humiliation would then be public. However, she'd always been the one insisting on secrecy. He probably thought she was ashamed of him.