Princess Lessons (6 page)
Authors: Meg Cabot
Simple
strand of perfectly matched pearls for everyday wear.
[Did you know that when a pearl is
extracted from an oyster, the oyster dies? So really, if you wear pearls, there
is a pile of dead oysters somewhere.]
Matching pearl stud earrings.
[Two dead oysters.]
Â
Tasteful diamond studs, no smaller than one carat each, no larger
than threeâa princess is never flashy.
[I learned in World Civ that it is really important to make sure
that your diamonds were not mined in a foreign country that uses child slave
labor or engages in guerrilla warfare with neighboring villages. This is
something I have noticed they do not mention in those Diamonds Are Forever
ads.]
Tiara, seventy-five
carats at least, for formal occasions.
[See child labor/guerrilla warfare comment re: diamond
studs.]
White cotton
elbow-length gloves.
[These are actually very handy. When you are wearing white gloves
no one can see how badly you bit your fingernails while you were watching
Smallville
.]
With a wardrobe of these items, no
womanâpeasant or princessâcan ever go wrong. From royal weddings to Wimbledon,
she will always be dressed to perfection. And looking the part is, of course,
key to
being
the part.
Â
[But I think it might be more princesslike if you took the money
you would have spent on this wardrobe and donated it to Bide-A-Wee, the animal
welfare organization whose no-kill adoption centers have found homes for more
than one million unwanted pets in the century they have been in operation. But
that is just my opinion.]
Grandmère's ideal
Mia's
reality
MAINTENANCE
An essential part of any young princess's wardrobe is, of course,
her tiara. There are many different types of sparkling head ornaments, from the
decorative comb to the ermine-lined papal miter. But perhaps the most
recognizable archetype of princesshood is the tiara.
Tiaras are correctly worn approximately two to three inches from the
beginning of the hairline. Too close to the hairline gives one a slightly
Neanderthalic look: too far back, and the tiara will not be visible in those
all-important photos released to the press.
A tiara may never be
worn at breakfast. In fact, it is gauche to don one's tiara before eleven in
the morning, except in the event of a state funeral or royal wedding.
Additionally, tiaras must not be worn:
⢠Swimming
⢠Horseback
riding
⢠Waterskiing
⢠Beneath hard hats
while touring construction sites
⢠During a coup
d'état
[Also, it's a good idea not to
take your tiara out of its carrying case while you're in a moving vehicle or on
a plane, because it could fly out of your hand and poke an innocent bystander
in the eye. Not that this ever happened to me. Except that one
time.]
Her Royal Highness Princess Mia
You are probably as surprised as
I was to find out that being a princess isn't all about being graceful and
having good manners and what you wear. There's a bunch of other stuff,
involved, tooâ¦like being kind to those who are less fortunate than you, and
being socially aware. This type of thing is called
Character.
You don't have to have been born royal to
have good character. In fact, I know a bunch of people who aren't in the least
bit royal who have a lot of very princesslike qualities.
They,
like me, are striving to achieve self-actualization. How do you achieve
self-actualization? Well, here are some tips that might help you along your
way.
SELF-ACTUALIZATION
To gather the FRUITS of
life, you must start by growing a solid foundation of ROOTS:
| Â | Â | Â |
Acceptance | Peace | Creativity |
Contentment | Purposefulness | Fulfillment |
Health | Self-motivation | Happiness |
Joy |
Jungian theory states that by
developing the characteristics below, you will reap the awards above:
| Â | Â | Â |
Compassion | Love | Enthusiasm |
Charity | Warmth | Forgiveness |
Friendship | Kindness | Gratitude |
 | Trust |
See? It's easy. Be a nice person, and you will not only seem like a
princess, but you'll also achieve complete spiritual harmony!
MAKE A FRIEND
supermodel and recent transplant to New York City from Versailles,
Indiana
So you are starting at a new
school/modeling agency and you don't know anyone. That ain't an excuse to just
go sit in a corner by yourself! The only way you're gonna make friends is to
beâ¦well, friendly! Smile at people. Say howdy. Don't butt in on anybody's
private conversation, but if you overhear a group of folks talkin' about a
movie you just saw, say, “Hey! I saw that! Wasn't it cool when that giant alien
bit off that guy's head?” or something like that.
If
you're one of them shy types, try this: Find another shy type. When she's off
by herself with her head stuck in a library book, go up to her and be all,
“Howdy, I'm new here. Can you tell me where the portfolio drop-off is?” Sure,
she might tell you to get lost. But chances are she won't. Then you've just
made a friend!
Remember, making friends is only part of it. You
have to keep 'em, too. How do you do this, you ask? Well, by being loyal, never
betraying 'em, and not forgettin' 'em, even after there's a giant billboard of
you half-nekked in Times Square.
by His Royal Highness
Prince René Phillipe August Giovanni
There's more to good sportsmanship than just being a good
athlete. You also have to set a good example for others (if you've had the good
fortune to be born a royal prince like me, anyway). This means not being a sore
loser. Royals never throw temper tantrums on the playing field, accuse others
of cheating, or throw their polo mallets when they lose. They accept defeat
graciously, giving the winner a handshake and a sincere, “Good game.” Princes
don't complain about the condition of the playing field or a decision from the
ref, however warranted such complaints might be.
When a
prince wins a game, he never gloats, does a special dance when he scores a
goal, or sings rude songs about the losers. A good winner always acknowledges
his opponent's effort, and remembers that he himself could easily be in the
loser's place.
Whether skiing, sailing in a regatta, or merely
playing a game of billiards in the palace game room, a prince always plays his
best, is enthusiastic, and tries to have a good timeâno matter how badly he
might be losing.
SPECTATOR
by Lilly Moscovitz, avid
moviegoer and girlfriend of a mouth breather
Let's face it: there is NOTHING more annoying than paying your
ten dollars (more if you live in Canada or have purchased popcorn and soda) and
sitting down in a movie theater, only to have the people behind you talk loudly
or kick your chair all through the feature. This is NOT princess behavior. It
is not even human behavior.
When people
gather together in a public place to enjoy a sporting event, movie, play, or
concert, they have usually paid the price of a ticket for their entertainment.
So it's totally uncool for other people to try to ruin these gatherings by
chewing loudly, yelling stuff at the movie screen (well, okay, this can be fun
at a premiere or Rocky Horror, or whatever, but not ALL the
time), answering cell phone calls, talking to each other, screaming obscenities
at players on the opposing team, or SMOKING.
A word to mouth breathers: So you
have a deviated septum or have to wear a bionater. Still, do you HAVE to
breathe out of your mouth? DO YOU??? Could you TRY putting your lips together
and breathing out of your nose??? PLEASE???
We all have to live on
this planet. Let's try to not get on each other's nerves.
by Kenneth Showalter, e-mail
afficionado