Professional Boundaries (6 page)

I hadn’t tortured myself like this in years.  I was over him. So, so over him. I would be a fool to be anything but. You can’t hold a candle for a man that you haven’t seen in almost thirteen years. The fact that I’d never found anyone else that made me as happy as him, or that I connected with like I did him, didn’t mean anything, right? It only meant I had to keep looking. Surely someone other than Ian Greyson could make me happy and could love me as much as I loved him. And it wasn’t that I hadn’t had some nice relationships in the past ten years or so, but they’d never had the spark and the overwhelming ‘yes this is it’ feel. And I wasn’t going to settle for less than that.

Some would say, “At eighteen and nineteen, how do you even know what this is or what love feels like, for that matter?” And maybe I hadn’t, but I knew I’d never been as happy with anyone else, and I’d never felt that connection and spark with another man. My only problem was choosing a man that didn’t love me back. Ok, it wasn’t my only problem, because now he was back and he wanted to be my boss.

So, I had to decide. Could I work with Ian or should I start polishing my résumé? Or should I be booking a cruise? Door number three sounded fabulous. Maybe not the wisest thing to do, but hey, you only live once.

Right. As much as I liked fun, I would never, until I knew I had a job. I wouldn’t be able to relax, so it would be pointless. So maybe that’s what I would do. Secure employment, tell them I couldn’t start for two weeks, and then book a cruise or fly to the Virgin Islands. Anywhere warm with sandy beaches and hot single men. I laughed to myself. I was all talk. I hated the single scene, which might just be the reason I was still single. Maybe I should hit the library, it worked the first time. Too bad hardly anyone went to the library anymore, and even if they did, I was too old for them now.

I laid in bed and thought and thought and thought some more. Then I dreamt about him. I hadn’t dreamt about him in a long time, which was a good thing, because it usually was me crying and feeling hopeless and hollow; I would wake up and have to remind myself it was ok and it was just a dream, even though I had felt that way for a long time after he broke up with me. It was a terrible feeling. But this dream, in a way, was worse. This dream reminded me of why I had loved him so long ago. It reminded me of what it felt like to be enfolded in his arms and warmly kissed by him. For a moment, when I awoke, I craved him and that feeling.

I sat up and threw my pillow. Why did he have to come back here and get into my head? I had kicked him out of it so long ago, or at least I thought I had.

I crawled out of bed dead tired. That had been the worst night’s sleep I’d had in forever, and he was to blame. Again. I was still no closer to knowing what I should do, or figuring out what my sister meant about being honest with myself about why I didn’t want to work with him and if I could come to terms with it.

I got dressed and headed to the Y for a workout. They didn’t offer belly dancing on Saturday mornings, but Zumba would suffice. I would take anything that made me sweat profusely and helped me not to think about Ian for just a bit.

On the way to the Y, Holly Chandler called. “Honey, Gary and I are so worried about you. Are you ok?”

“I’m fine.” That was mostly true.

“Are you sure?” She knew me too well.

I took in a deep breath. “Yes, I’m sure.”

“Well, I’m here if you need to talk.”

“Thanks, Holly. Tell Boss not to worry about me.”

“Why don’t you tell him yourself when you come over for dinner tonight? Are you free?”

I would never dream of missing dinner at their house. “What time should I be there?”

Holly and Gary had been so good to me. Holly had been our surrogate mother. She was the one to talk to Amanda and me about periods and boys. She even helped us shop for prom dresses. She was my dad’s equivalent to a super hero. 

Oddly enough, I could have been their daughter-in-law. I dated their son, Luke, while I was in grad school. He was a few years older than me, but he could never seem to get his act together. Thankfully, his parents didn’t hate me when I broke up with him. They knew Luke had issues. I honestly only stayed with him so long because of his parents, and part of me wanted it to work out. I loved the Chandlers, but I never loved Luke in that way. Luke wasn’t happy at all when I broke it off, but it was one of the best decisions I’d ever made. Luke was now a beach bum in Florida, working as little as he possibly could, and getting in trouble on a regular basis. He’d never really grown up, and he’d caused his parents a lot of heartache. Gary even had to fire him. He was nothing like his brother, Ethan, who was a successful accountant and owned his own firm in Atlanta. Ethan was married to the sweetest woman, Bethany, and they had three adorable kids, two boys and a girl.

I knew Gary and Holly would be spending a majority of their time now in Atlanta. Holly loved being a Nana more than breathing. I was going to miss them, but I was happy for them. They deserved any and all happiness that came their way. I was truly blessed to know them. Thinking about them made me more in favor of going back to Chandler, even if I wasn’t the Director; I would still have influence, and I would make sure Mr. Hot Shot didn’t screw anything up. If only I didn’t have to work with Mr. Hot Shot. I was so confused!

Zumba gave me my much needed endorphin boost, and then I looked at the forecast. It was going to be sunny and seventy degrees! That improved my mood by leaps and bounds. I was ready for winter to be over. I knew the warmth wouldn’t last, but I would take what I could get until spring officially sprung. In honor of the warm temps, I decided to procrastinate doing Saturday chores and instead headed to Amanda’s to grab my nieces. We were going to the park and then out to lunch and whatever else they could talk me into.

My sister and Zane were more than happy to have a childless day. I hoped someday, after fifteen years of marriage, I would be sappily in love with my husband. I knew they didn’t have a perfect marriage, and they argued like normal couples, but they still had it for each other. Court and Sam were ecstatic; I just got them out of
their
Saturday chores too. What were aunts for, anyway?

As I watched my nieces play along with every other kid in Franklin, it seemed, I couldn’t help but think of Ian. We had spent several dates at the park near my campus. They were cheap dates, but what’s more romantic than your boyfriend pushing you on a swing or stroking your hair as you laid your head in his lap while he studied macroeconomics? Not much, in my book. I missed those kinds of simple dates. Most men think they need to spend a lot of money and take you somewhere exclusive, but I wished someone would just take me to the park and walk barefoot with me in the cool grass or push me on a swing or feed me peanut butter and jam sandwiches while we watched the clouds in the sky. I also wished I would have never fallen in love with Ian Greyson.

After the park, the girls and I made our way to a new pizzeria in town that made great pizza and, oddly enough, even better gyros. Their gelato was pretty good too. I loved being with my nieces. They reminded me so much of their mother and me, except Court was fair and blonde like her daddy; Sam could have been mine. We shared the same dark chocolate hair and the blue-green eyes that we inherited from my dad. They were the best of friends and the worst of enemies, just like Manda and I had been growing up. Thankfully, we were just best of friends now. I knew Court and Sam would eventually get there too. Quite honestly, I enjoyed watching their little tiffs. It drove my sister nuts, but I didn’t live with it day in and day out, so for me it was entertaining. Court had my sister’s personality, sweet and a little snarky. Sam was like me, more snarky than sweet. Her nickname of “Sassafras” suited her well. 

We rounded out our day together at Build-a-Bear because I’m a sucker when it comes to them, and I have no one else to spoil. I knew my sister wouldn’t love me for it. That’s why I would just be dropping them off and waving to my sister from the car. She could reprimand me by phone later, and I’m sure she would.

When I got home, I showered quickly and did something I hadn’t done in years while I waited for my hair to dry. I figured it was about time, and maybe it would help me solve my little issue.

My dad had encouraged me and my sister to keep a journal for every year of our life. Some years I was better than others, but I had one for every year since I was sixteen, even though some of them were spotty. They were filled with my thoughts and sometimes everyday, random things; they also had pictures and awards and notes and cards from friends in them, or anything else I found of value. When I reminisced, there were always two I skipped, my eighteen- and nineteen-year-old ones, for obvious reasons, but today they we were going to see the light of day. So many times I almost ripped out the pages that contained anything to do with Ian, but I thought someday I would regret that. I thought someday I would be able to look back and not cry because it was over, but smile because it happened, just like Dr. Seuss said. That day had never come.

As I sat on my bed, I almost reverently cracked open the pages of journal eighteen. Then, before I changed my mind, I skipped to the pages that contained Ian. The first entry I came to was about the first time I had met him. I had to smile at my stupid young self, writing about whether I would be able to concentrate around my new calculus tutor because he was hot. But I also made fun of him because he was so serious. There were several more entries of me saying how much I liked him, and I thought maybe he liked me too. I read about the ‘A’ I received on my first calculus test after Ian had started tutoring me and how I was so happy about it, I kissed him spontaneously at the next tutoring session. I wrote about his confused reaction. I knew he liked it, and he even reciprocated, but he left in a hurry and told me we shouldn’t do that again. But I was persistent, and after several weeks, he finally said he was done resisting me. I could feel the joy leap off the pages as I read about us becoming an “official” couple. There were several pictures of us together. I particularly loved the Thanksgiving pictures. It was my first holiday away from home, but Ian and his family kept me from being homesick. It was one of my most favorite Thanksgivings ever. There were pictures of us building snowmen and making snow angels and of the canned food drive I helped head up on campus. I’d made Ian help too. He was right, we had worked well together. That was the school’s most successful drive to date, as far as I knew.

I flipped through page after page of happy memories, then one particular passage jumped out at me dated February 10, 2001. It read:

Today I asked my dad how he knew he loved my mom and how she was the one, or did he know she was the one. I mean, she did leave us and all. It got quiet on the other end of the phone, but then he said, Kelli, you just know when you know, it will be the most undeniable, peaceful all-encompassing feeling. It will be like drowning in pure intelligence. Then he told me that he did feel that way about my mom. He said sometimes, just because something is right, doesn’t mean it will work out, especially when other people’s choices are involved. He said my mom made her choice, but he would never regret marrying her and he still loved her. It made me cry. I told him that I was in love with Ian. I thought he might laugh at me or maybe even be upset, but all he said was, I’m happy for you, but don’t get too carried away, you’re young. I told him I would try, but I’ve been drowning in that pure intelligence for some time now. I haven’t told Ian because he frequently worries about our age difference and besides, I think the man should say it first. I just hope I can hold it in. I’ve almost told him on several occasions. Anyway, it’s late and I should probably go to bed, I have a big biology exam in the morning.

The tears started to fall softly down my cheek. My sister was right. That was my problem. I knew, with every fiber of my being, I was meant to be with Ian. I knew even at eighteen years of age, but he’d made his choice and there was nothing I could do about that, no matter how right I knew we were for each other. How do you come to terms with someone that robbed you of such a thing, especially when you’ve never been able to find it again?

I flipped through the rest of eighteen and the first part of nineteen. I stopped before I got to the breaking-up part. It was still gut wrenching for me. I could still remember that hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach that lasted for days. Admittedly, some of it still existed. I stood up quickly and wiped away my tears. I’d had enough; I packed the journals away in an out-of-place spot. I didn’t want to see them anymore. That’s when the anger and the determination came. I wasn’t going to allow Ian to rob me of anything else. I loved my job at Chandler, and I belonged there, whether he was there or not.

Chapter 5

As I drove out to the Chandlers’ I tried to remove all thoughts of Ian from my mind, but that was proving to be a difficult task. I thought I had mastered that skill long ago, but now that he was back, I found myself out of practice and very unskilled.  Of course I was going to have to think about him as we were going to be working together, but I needed to forget the past. I didn’t know this Ian, and maybe I never knew him. No … I knew that wasn’t true. In my heart, I knew that I had once known the real Ian, I just didn’t know why he did what he did to us. I remember his mom telling me once that Ian was his best self with me. “I was really worried about your age difference, but once I saw the two of you together, those thoughts vanished. You’re a perfect match,” she said. I had thought so too.

By the time I arrived at the Chandler’s, I was not in the best of moods, but seeing their home had a calming effect. In a way, it was like coming home. Their home reminded me of late night talks and holidays and shoulders to cry on. It felt warm and instilled a sense of belonging. The best part of dating Luke had been the extra time I got to spend at his parents’ home.

I looked up at the pristine white two-story home with black shutters and smiled. I reminded myself of the blessed life I led and that Ian was just a road bump. The thought of running him over made me smile even more. With that lovely thought still in mind, I walked myself up the stone path that led to the wrap-around porch that was a gateway to a piece of happiness. I eagerly knocked on the door, and soon I was greeted by Boss.