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I
wake up feeling groggy, but incredibly comfortable.  It takes me a moment
to realise that I am not alone in my bed.  I jump up and immediately hear
Nate call soothingly, ‘it’s okay, Soph, it’s me.’

I
lay back down in the early morning dawn, but I realise I am still
dressed.  I have always hated clothes on of a night, too tangley. 

‘You
okay?’ Nate calls from beside me, I note he is also dressed in his jeans and
shirt and laying on top of the bed facing me.

‘Yeah,’
I croak.  ‘Need the bathroom,’ I grab a t-shirt and stumble into the
bathroom to brush my teeth and take my makeup off.  I strip off the
confinement of my clothes and slip on the t-shirt over my lace underwear.

When
I reappear, Nate is laying back, his hands behind his head staring at the
ceiling.

‘Get
in bed,’ I suggest, he looks uncomfortable and entirely troubled.  My
stomach somersaults at the evident torment in his posture.

‘You
sure?’ His eyes move to my change of clothes, his eyes lingering on my legs.

‘Yeah,
get undressed,’ I climb under the covers while Nate pulls off his shirt and
jeans, leaving only his boxer shorts.  My eyes eat up his defined muscles,
‘you been working out?’

‘Yeah,
not having sex will do that to a man,’ he teases. ‘Took it out in the
gym.’  I smile, and he slips in beside me, ‘how you feeling?’

‘Better,’
I lower my gaze, embarrassment waving over me, ‘sorry if it was all a bit
intense.’

‘Most
of it I knew, Sophie,’ he informs me. ‘I spent nights pacing, plotting to make
him suffer,’ he confesses.  ‘In the end, I knew I had to come to terms
with it before it totally consumed me.’

I
could understand that, ‘I got tested, at the clinic,’ I notify him, ‘just in
case you think, you know,’ I mumble.  ‘I’m clean.’

‘Good
to know, baby,’ he holds up his arm and I shuffle over until my head is resting
on his firm chest. 

‘This
feels good,’ I mumble, sleepily.

‘That’s
also good to know, London,’ he sighs. ‘Get some sleep.’

‘Okay,’
I was almost out anyway.

********

The
following day is my late shift at the salon, Nate drives me to work and returns
to his hotel to catch a shower and change clothes.  Apparently, he and
Kyle were intending on meeting up with a couple of friends for lunch, but Nate
promised he would be back to collect me at nine o’clock.  I tried to
encourage him not to worry and to enjoy his day with his friends, but he simply
maintained he would be outside waiting at nine.

I
can’t deny it was a good feeling to see him leaning against his rental car at
the end of my tiresome shift.  His hair was damp from the shower, his
jeans and t-shirt plastered to his lean body.  His eyes ate me up as I
took the steps until I was directly in front of him.

‘Good
day, honey?’ He teases before leaning down to plant a soft kiss on my lips.

‘A
long day,’ I admit, my body alerting to his proximity.

‘You
eaten?’ He asks, his eyes soft as they take in my slight flush.

I
shake my head, ‘thought I’d order in pizza,’ I suggested.

‘Sounds
good, London,’ Nate purrs, opening the door for me to climb up into the
passenger seat.

It
had been a long time since I enjoyed the simplicity of a quiet night in with
another person as much as I did tonight. I ordered pizza, which Nate contended didn’t
compare in the slightest to Denver pizza.  To be fair he was probably
right, Denver pizza was incredible, but we continued to good naturedly bicker
about it anyhow. 

After
dinner, I took a shower and pulled on a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a vest
top and joined Nate on the sofa.  We went through the motions of putting a
film on, but chatted through the entire length. We discussed everything, my
work, Shauna, my father and the rest of my family who had been decidedly vacant
during my time of need.

‘Your
father has somewhat compensated for his earlier indifference in your life,’
Nate had informed me gently.

I
shake my head, ‘so, he paid my medical bills,’ my stomach dips. I had
contemplated my dad’s intentions on several occasions over the past few months.

‘He
did so much more than that, Sophie,’ Nate continued.

‘How
so?’ I argue, lightly.

‘When
you were missing, he had you tracked and helped Kyle and I retrieve you. 
Whatever happened during your last visit to Boston, something settled in his
brain.’

‘Guilt!’
I scoff.

‘Whatever! 
If it was guilt, remorse,’ he shrugged, ‘either way, the ending of the story
could have been a damn sight different without him.  For me, I’ll be
forever grateful,’ he sighs.

I
sit and deliberate his words, digging deep to feel something other than
resentment towards him, but fail miserably.

Recalling
a conversation of the day before, I asked Nate, ‘you said you had something to
show me, yesterday.’ 

‘I
do,’ his eyes light as he stands and fumbles in his jacket pocket to locate his
mobile phone.

I
regard him, puzzlement clouding my face.  His eyes flicker up to assess me
for a second before he sits back down and exposes the screen of his
phone.  There sits an image of a white Range Rover Evoque, parked in, what
I know, is Nate’s underground car park.

‘It’s
lovely,’ I marvel, ‘is it yours?’

‘Actually,
it’s yours,’ he murmurs quietly.  My mouth drops open, my lips unable to
form any words through my confusion.  ‘You were upset about selling your
car,’ he continues, ‘the last time we spoke, before…’ A piercing pain stabs my
chest, ‘so, I arranged to have it delivered for your return.’ He swallows
painfully, as his eyes flash with pain at the memory.  ‘Only, you never
came back.’

‘Nate,’
I squeak, tipping my head back to observe his anxious features.

‘I
kept it hoping one day you would come home,’ his fingers move along my jaw, his
thumb rubbing against my quivering lips.

‘I
tried,’ I croak, emotionally.

‘I
know you did, baby,’ he leans forward and touches his lips to mine.  I close
my eyes against the force of emotion in that one gentle kiss.

Bewilderment
fills me.  Nate bought me a car, because he knew how upset I had been
about selling my own?  I recall how happy we had been that final day,
excitement for the possibilities the future would bring. 

 ‘So,
what’s with the hair,’ Nate distracts my depressing thoughts as he runs his fingers
through my long strands.  ‘A new identity, or just a preferred change,’ he
asks, nonchalantly.

‘You
don’t like my hair longer?’ I probe.

‘If
you like it, I like it,’ he pronounces, but I sense he is pacifying me.

I
remain silent for a beat, before I decide candidness is the best option, ‘he
didn’t like my hair short, as it meant he couldn’t pull me around by it.’

Nate’s
eyes cool, ‘and yet you still keep it longer?’ He fails to keep the incredulity
out of his voice, or maybe it was disappointment.

I
shrug, attempting to locate the vocabulary to explain, ‘not intentionally. Even
though he’s gone, I am conditioned against defying him.’ I look up to assess
Nate’s facial expressions.  ‘Silly, I know, but the fear is seemingly deep
routed.  Even I don’t understand it.’

He
stares at me, his eyes filled with warmth, ‘wear your hair how you want to
Sophie, not to please me, or anyone else,’ he suggests. ‘I don’t claim to be a therapist,
but it appears to me you need to take back control of your life choices.’

‘I
am working on it,’ I express, exhaling a deep breath, ‘things have improved
considerably since I returned to my familiar environment.’ I gesture around me
with my hands.

‘That’s
great,’ he strokes a finger down my cheek, but the atmosphere seems to have
chilled slightly.

‘You
don’t like talking about him,’ I state, gently.

‘It’s
necessary, I know that,’ Nate responds. ‘But it upsets me that you had to
experience a fraction of what you did, Sophie.  I feel it was my
responsibility to protect you.  I failed to do that, and the consequences
were unthinkable.’

‘I’m
no one’s responsibility,’ I remind him, gently.

‘You
are my woman, you are my responsibility,’ he states, stubbornly.

I
sigh, ‘I don’t want to argue with you,’ I mumble.

He
runs a hand through his hair, ‘come here,’ he encourages, softly, patting his
lap.  ‘I need to hold you.’

I
sit on Nate’s lap and settle, curled up with my face planted in his neck. 
‘You smell like home, too,’ I whisper, remembering his words of the previous
night. 

‘Yeah?’
Nate asks softly, his arms surrounding me, providing me the same comfort they
always have.

‘I
want you to make love to me, Nate, I need to feel again,’ I admit, whispering
into his ear.

He
squeezes his arms around me, ‘you don’t have to do that, Sophie. There’s no
rush.’

The
familiar pull of rejection surges through me, what if he doesn’t desire me after
what happened?  Fucking another man could have that effect, I guess.  

‘Has
it,’ I swallow the lump in my throat at the prospect, ‘put you off of me?’

‘Fuck,
no!’ he answers immediately tipping my chin up to enable him to look me
straight in the eyes. ‘Sophie, you are the most desirable woman I have ever met,
you know that, fuck I struggle to keep my hands off of you,’ he holds my face
to his, the certainty in his eyes convincing me that he speaks the truth. 
‘But, I can’t say I’m not scared, scared that I will hurt you, scared that you
won’t feel the same.’

 ‘You
could never hurt me, Nate,’ I gaze up into his blue eyes and know he is
incapable of harming me, he loves me. ‘I can’t promise it will be as good, at
first,’ I croak, emotion sticking in my throat.  ‘But, I do know I love
you and need you to remind me how sex feels when it’s with someone that means
so much to you.’

‘You
doing this for me, or you?’ He murmurs, gently.

‘For
us,’ I frown, frustration tightening in my gut, ‘but, if you don’t want to,
forget it.’

‘Jesus,
fuck, woman!’ He stands, guiding me to the bedroom, his eyes alight with desire.

‘Don’t
bother if it’s too much trouble for you!’ I huff, stroppy.

Nate
grins, as he drags me to the end of the bed and lifts my top off gently over my
head.  His eyes move down my body, appreciation sparkling in the depths of
blue. ‘How can you doubt for a moment that I wouldn’t want this?’ He mumbles into
the darkened room.

I
suddenly feel self-conscious of his open appraisal, a mixture of anxiety and
exhilaration trickling through my veins. I am too thin, I know this.  Nate
has always adored my curvy breasts and hips, both of which are almost non-existent
now. His lips touch mine and seduce me with their gentleness, I can hardly
remember my own name as they continue their journey down to first one nipple,
then the other, Nate taking his time to bite and nibble until I am almost
shuddering beneath him.

‘God,
I remember,’ I breathe as I push up his T-shirt to kiss a trail along the way,
my tongue flicking his nipples until they are firm buds.  Nate whispers
words of encouragement as he pulls off the remainder of his clothes leaving him
naked to my gaze.  His erection is hard as rock as it bobs in between
us.  I move down to take him in my mouth, my eyes intent on his.

‘Sophie!’
He tries to halt me.

‘I
want to,’ I maintain, licking down the length of his hardness before drawing him
deep into my throat, releasing only to lick around the bulbous head.  I
continue to suck him in and out, taking care to sustain eye contact at every
step.

‘Fuck,
London.  Need you to take it easy, babe, it’s been a while,’ Nate groans,
urging me up to face him.  He takes my mouth and kisses me hard, leaving
me panting, wanting, his fingers curling around the cheeks of my backside
through my joggers.

‘Lay
back,’ he encourages, pushing down my jogging bottoms and helping me back
against the mattress.  ‘Jesus, I have missed this,’ his deft hands open my
thighs, his eyes focusing in on my open sex.  His mouth drops to my
swollen core and I whimper. ‘You still with me, baby?’ He sucks hard on my
clitoris as he pushes a finger deep inside me.

‘Nate!’
I call, as my body trembles beneath him.

‘Right
here, babe,’ he comforts me as he licks and sucks around my core.

‘Need
you inside,’ I notify him.

Ignoring
my plea, he adds another finger plunging both deep, while his tongue flickers
my clit over and over.  ‘I love you, Sophie,’ he growls as my body ascends,
he continues his delicious assault until I finally tip off the precipice, crying
out as I am showered with a zillion splinters of pleasure.

Kissing
up my body, Nate stops at my lips, to kiss me gently.

‘You
okay?’ he tests.