Psychology for Dummies (46 page)
Read Psychology for Dummies Online
Authors: Adam Cash
Tags: #Psychology, #General, #Body; Mind & Spirit, #Spirituality
In addition to being good at questioning, the gift of gab often requires a certain level of skill at explaining oneself. Explanations provide information, clarify, and are often used to demonstrate a point.
When making a point in a conversation, an individual can often bolster his or her argument by providing a solid explanation for the position being taken. Good explanations are clear, focused, and linked to the listener’s knowledge base. Being brief and avoiding a lot of “ums,” “ers,” and “ya’knows” also helps. These terms interrupt the fluency of the communication and can lead to people losing interest.
Sometimes it helps to pause and review so that the listener can organize and absorb what has already been explained. It’s also very important to use language that is appropriate to the audience or listener. If you’re too technical, too gross, or too basic, you may lose their interest.
A third very important aspect of effective communication is listening. One-way conversations are poor excuses for communication. If no one is listening, there’s no “co” in communication. Hargie, Saunders, and Dickson give a few hints to being a good listener:
Be physically prepared and prepare the environment. Turn off the radio; reduce extraneous noise. Sit so that you can hear the person speaking.
Be aware of your biases and preconceived ideas and mentally prepare yourself to pay attention.
Keep yourself focused by asking yourself questions in your mind about what the speaker is talking about.
Don’t interrupt if you can help it.
Mentally identify the main point of the speaker’s communication and organize what he or she is telling you into categories like who, what, when, why, and how.
Don’t use
blocking techniques,
such as denying someone’s feelings or changing the topic.
Maintain eye contact.
Nod.
Orient your body toward the speaker and maintain an open posture. Don’t cross your arms or turn away.
Don’t fidget or fool with stuff around you. Doing your taxes while someone is talking is a dead giveaway that you’re not really listening.
One of the most common problems I see in my clinical practice is that people don’t know how to stand up for themselves and communicate their needs in a direct and confident manner. Complaints about pushy coworkers, jerky bosses, and grouchy spouses are commonly the result of a lack of assertiveness. For some people, assertiveness seems to come naturally; they’re just good at telling people what they think in a way that doesn’t put anybody off.
I’m not talking about being aggressive — that often involves a certain level of hostility and a denial of the other person’s rights in the interaction. I am talking about something a little milder than aggression,
assertiveness.
Assertiveness can be defined as standing up for one’s rights and expressing one’s thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, in a direct, honest, and appropriate manner that respects others. Ever have someone cut in line while you were at the grocery store? Did you tell them to go to the end of the line, or did you keep your thoughts to yourself only to get mad later on, wishing you had said something? What about ordering food at a restaurant and getting something you didn’t order? Did you just eat it anyway or did you send it back? It sounds easy, but a lot of people won’t say anything for fear of being seen as a jerk, being disliked, or hurting the other person’s feelings.
Assertiveness is a social skill that you can learn. Typically, when people get better at being assertive, the overall quality of their relationships improves. They no longer feel that they can’t say what they really think or that they have to keep quiet for the sake of friendships. When people learn how to communicate assertively, they awaken to a whole new realm of possibilities in communication.
Want to be more assertive?
Basic assertions
are expressions such as “No, I don’t like that movie” or “Thank you but I’ve had enough fruitcake.”
Empathic assertions
are statements used to convey that you understand the other person’s position even if you’re not going along with it. “I understand that you prefer fast food over Italian, but I’m really craving spaghetti.” When someone begins with a basic assertion and then progresses into more straightforward statements with little ambiguity, she engages in
escalating assertiveness.
This is a good skill to use with pushy salespeople, as this example demonstrates:
Salesperson:
Can I help you find something?
Customer:
No thanks.
Salesperson:
Well, we’ve got these great deals in women’s apparel today.
Customer:
Really, I’m not interested.
Salesperson:
How about. . . .
Customer:
For the third time, can you please leave me alone? I don’t want your help!
A final useful tool in being assertive is to use “I language” — making statements from a personal position rather than pointing out the other person’s behavior and using the “you” word. Instead of telling my boss that he’s been hounding me and he’s starting to tick me off, I may say, “I feel that you’ve put unfair pressure on me compared to the other employees. When I perceive that happening, I feel angry.” Easier said than done I know, but it works pretty well. Try it!
Fry developed a quick list of verbal defense strategies that can be used against manipulative and rude people:
Broken record:
Simply repeating oneself over and over again. “I said no! What part of no don’t you understand? I’ll say it again. No! No!”
Fogging:
Agreeing with what someone is saying but not changing one’s position. “You’re right, I should watch what I eat. I have gained a few pounds.” All the while thinking to yourself, “I’m going to eat whatever I darn well feel like eating.”
Meta-level:
Taking a conversation to a more abstract level than encompassed in the original conversation. “I think this is a good example of how hard it can be to get one’s point across. I’ve often wondered how we could get past this.” I like to call this the old therapist switch-a-roo! “What is the ideal weight anyway? Being heavy used to be a sign of beauty and prosperity. I’m just beautiful and prosperous, not fat.”