Psychology for Dummies (93 page)

A lot of popular psychology and self-help books tell us to “love ourselves.” It’s not a bad idea. Severe dislike for oneself is often associated with extreme guilt, shame, and depression. Believing in one’s abilities and valuing one’s uniqueness is not to be underestimated.

Too often, we lead inauthentic lives that are defined by others as we strive for their acceptance. Self-acceptance is a crucial ingredient for motivation and positive emotion, and accepting ourselves even helps us accept others more easily.

It’s an undeniable fact of life that all of us will face challenges and adversity. Being able to effectively cope with these challenges is crucial to maintaining psychological and even physical well-being. Each of us has a variety of skills and techniques that we use to cope with stress and adversity. The best general advice for coping with adversity: Cope actively within situations that you have some measure of control over, and cope passively within situations that you don’t have control over. Active coping involves taking actions to improve a situation such as looking for a job when you’re fired instead of just saying, “Oh well, I guess I just wasn’t meant to have a job.”

We have very little control over the death of a loved one. Sometimes we can run ourselves ragged trying to shake our feelings of loss and sadness. But eventually, we have to accept the reality of the situation. Accepting reality when we can not change it is a good example of passive coping. Forgiveness is another good one. In situations that we can control, such as many health-related problems, taking action consistently leads to better outcomes and better psychological functioning.

Sometimes it seems like our modern lives are lonely lives. Everyone speeds around in their cars, isolated from other people and busy with the details of their own lives. I’ve often felt like I have to sacrifice productivity at work in order to socialize. I hear people make similar comments all the time, “I just don’t have time for friends and family.” Here’s a tip — make time!

In these times of mega-cities and super-suburbs, it can be hard to stay close to friends and family. The age of the small town is all but gone. Small towns are out there, but most of us don’t live in them. Despite these conditions, we can all benefit from working to maintain closer proximity to people who matter to us. The huge growth in cell-phone and Internet use may reflect both our desire to stay connected and our attempt to do so in such a fragmented and fast-paced world.

Having friends and family around is nice, but it’s only a good thing if the relationships are good. Some of us can’t wait to get as far away from these people as possible. Feeling emotionally connected and supported is just as important, if not more important, than simple proximity. We need intimate relationships that we can count on when times are hard. We need trustworthy romantic partners who value the same things that we value and value them as much as we do.

Some other helpful hints for maintaining good relationships: Practice forgiveness, be tolerant, communicate honestly, express yourself, balance independence with dependence, and act responsibly toward and nurture the values, desires, and feelings, and wishes of others.

When we feel like the captain of our own ship, we’re more interested in life, more excited about life, and more confident. Our motivations are a complex mix of the things we truly want for ourselves and things that we’ve adopted from significant others over the years.

Feeling as if we have some control over the decisions that affect us is crucial to psychological health. When we’re in controlling, punitive, or dominating environments, our sense of importance and freedom is lost. Sometimes we have to adapt to the desires and values of others. When we have to adapt, we can still retain our sense of self-determination if we agree even slightly with what we are adapting to. What if I want to paint my house bright purple, but the city won’t let me? Well, if they agree to lavender, I’m more likely to feel less pushed around. It’s rarely (if ever) a good thing if we feel like we’re being told what to do and we don’t agree with the directive.

Feeling like life is meaningless is a hallmark of depression. One of the drawbacks of modern society is the sense of alienation that can come from working day in and day out with only the next workday or the next paycheck as a reward.

It’s crucial to have goals. Research consistently finds that the process of working toward one’s goals is as important as the goals themselves. At times, goals can be too lofty, and we can set ourselves up for disappointment because we can’t reach them. This defeats the purpose of setting goals in the first place. That’s why realistic goals are helpful.

Research has consistently shown that having a deep sense of religious faith can be a protective measure for dealing with loss, illness, and psychological disorders. When things seem dark, it really helps to have a sense of hope and optimism about the future and a belief that our goals will eventually be achieved.

Having a
positivity bias
helps to override fear and keep us motivated. Being biased in this way is kind of like seeing the world through rose-colored glasses. Pessimists may claim that they’re more in touch with reality, but a little positive illusion never hurt.

We all face challenges in life. When we reach out to others in need, we often get a sense of mastery over our own circumstances, and we certainly foster positive social conditions. Lending a helping hand helps the intended beneficiaries, and it also helps the individuals who offer the assistance. I won’t mention that there’s a nice tax break in it too.

Professional athletes talk about “being in the groove” when they’ve had a good game.
Flow
is the experience of feeling totally involved, engrossed, and focused in an activity or experience. Living a happy life is a matter of learning to maximize and control our inner experience so we feel harmoniously engaged in the activity for its own sake.

I once heard a piece of Buddhist wisdom: If you are thinking about resting while sweeping the floor, you are not truly experiencing life as it exists. When you sweep, sweep. When you rest, rest. Find flow!

The ability to appreciate beauty is
aesthetics.
There’s a lot of negativity and ugliness in the world — wars, disease, violence, and degradation are all around us. Depressing, huh? Being able to appreciate that which is beautiful is a saving grace in a world that’s so often unattractive.

The experience of beauty is a personal one and one that no one else can define for us. We may see the beauty in a famous painting or the sun shining through the clouds. When I see a well-executed play in football, it brings tears to my eyes. “That’s beautiful man!” Sniff, sniff.

Morihei Veshiba is a famous Aikido master who wrote a book called
The Art of Peace.
His secret to living a peaceful life was the core principle of Judo: Go with the flow! When we are rigid and inflexible we are more likely to experience resistance and strain ourselves in trying to maintain our posture. When we are flexible and willing to change a behavior that is not working for us we are more adaptable and better adjusted. It takes courage to change our ways, but it is vital for health and well-being. You say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Who’s talking about dogs?

Flying over the cuckoo’s nest

Meeting ordinary people

Fearing the primal urge

Watching other good flicks

Accurate depiction of a mental disorder

Accurate portrayal of a person suffering from a mental disorder

Accurate depiction of the structure, process, and function of mental health treatment including psychotherapy and medication

Insight into the subjective experience of a person suffering from a mental disorder or other psychological dilemma

Use of psychological principles and knowledge to anticipate, predict, and get inside the mind of the characters in the film is necessary on the part of the viewer