Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything (20 page)

How about you start small by tackling Dr. Evazan? The guy who holds a doctorate in “sucking and then getting your limbs hacked off.”

If you must take on a Luke, stick with the crybaby farm boy Luke from
Star Wars
. That guy is a pure wuss. Hanging out with androids and “bull’s-eye-ing womp rats in your T-16 back home,” only prepares you for one thing: Taking a Death Star-sized beating you don’t recover from.

Um, just avoid any cagey old guys dressed in brown burlap he may be traveling with.

HOW TO BEAT UP AN APPLE-THROWING TREE FROM
THE WIZARD OF OZ.

Dorothy’s reluctance to engage them is your blessing. You’ll be the first person on record to notch a “W” against one of these actually quite proud creatures.

Step One:
Wait safely behind a regular tree for your tree-opponent to stop throwing apples. Then, toss your hat (
Note:
you will need a hat for this fight.) out into the open. If the hat is suddenly pummeled with apples, you’ll know the tree was only pretending to be out of apples. Throw another hat (
Note:
you will need some back-up hats for this fight.) out, and repeat until no apples follow.

Step Two:
At this point step out from behind your
hidey-tree,
approach the tree you’re fighting, then kick it right square in its tree-creature eye. Kick it again, in the eye. Avoid the creature’s mouth, as this is its last line of defense. Continue kicking its eyeball until the tree dies or verbally submits. Losing interest in this fight? Feel free to mix things up, by kicking the other eyeball for a time.

Bonus:
At some point pick up one of the tree’s discarded apples and take a delicious bite out of it. Say something obnoxious like: “Mmm … Y’know I don’t even really like apples … but thanks.” Or, “Hey, jerk, thanks for all the help ‘keeping the doctor away,’ I appreciate it.” If he doesn’t get the reference and asks what you’re talking about, DO NOT EXPLAIN THE JOKE. You’ve missed your moment, just go back to kicking it to death.

HOW TO BEAT UP
DAILY BUGLE
PHOTOGRAPHER PETER PARKER

A few people have suggested I include a how-to for this Peter Parker fellow. To be honest, I don’t see much of a challenge here. Let’s take a look—bookish, nerdy-type, keeps to himself, and somehow lucked himself into a cushy job selling photos to the
Daily Bugle
.

Uh, help me out here guys, what am I missing??? This dude’s a total zero and not worthy of our time. This fight should be a cakewalk, as HE IS COMPLETELY HARMLESS. This guy sits around all day whining about his Aunt May, getting yelled at by the editor of the
Bugle,
and then sheepishly kicking at the dirt with his head down anytime a girl walks by.
Riiiigght. Reeeaalll
intimidating.

Um, approach him and sock him in the head with whatever you feel like throwing. He’ll crumble up and blow away. I honestly can’t imagine A SINGLE THING going wrong. You talk about your born losers, this guy is top o’ the list. I mean, what’s he gonna do? Take a photo of you kicking his ass? Here’s your headline:
NERD GETS STOMPED
. No charge for that one, Parker.

I could see if we were talking about fighting his buddy Flash Thompson. That guy’s a ringer. Tall, athletic build, with a background in sports. That’s a dude worth strategizing for. Or even his pal Harry Osborn’s dad, Norman. He’s a real alpha-male, go-getter type, used to succeeding in all that he does, and a totally worthy foe.

But Parker???
Tsk,
who’s next? Washed-up scientist Bruce Banner? Frail, cane-wielding physician Dr. Donald Blake? That bald-headed teacher in the wheelchair always hanging out with those weirdos? C’mon, let’s get serious, guys …

Whether it’s a person, place, thing, or religious ceremony, if it’s terrible, you’ll find out how to kick the hell out of it in this section. Things that are terrible know no bounds, and so perhaps more than any other section, it is crucial to learn the techniques outlined over the following pages.

The tide of “things that are terrible” must be turned back at all cost … Oh, and if you yourself are terrible, don’t worry, someone will get to you soon.

HOW TO BEAT UP SOMEONE FROM DELAWARE

I gotta be honest, I know of no one special way to beat up someone from Delaware. From what I understand, people from Delaware have no shared unifying characteristics. They walk and talk and breathe and have dreams just like any other group of people. (Well, maybe not dreams. They are in Delaware, after all. Only nightmares for them … nightmares that come true every time they open their eyes.)

Anyone can choose to move to Delaware, when beaten down enough by life, as a signal to the world that they’ve given up. There’s nothing about someone from Delaware specifically that lends itself to any one maneuver.

That being said, this seems like a good time to mention an incredible tactic that works on many people I’ve encountered, including those from Delaware. It’s called “the dick punch.”

The dick punch is an incredibly devastating maneuver that, mysteriously, only works on roughly half the population. It’s uncanny, how it seems to play out that way.

For example, a few weeks back I ventured into a fraternity house on a nearby college campus. Stuff got a bit out of hand and so I was forced to start dick-punching people like a dick-punching fiend. Every single person in there collapsed when struck by the move. Not two nights later, I was at a sorority house on the SAME CAMPUS. SAME TIME of night, SAME SITUATION … and THE DICK PUNCH HAD ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT ON ANYONE IN THERE. I was mortified. It was like they’d cast a protection spell against it or something!

Unbelievable, right? Trust me. I was there, it happened. Unfortunately, science will never be able to tell us why this is. We just have to accept it.

It was probably the closest I’ll ever come to feeling like Superman in
Superman II
(Richard Donner cut) when Superman—after emerging from a power-sapping chamber at the Fortress of Solitude—forgets he’s mortal and gets humbled by a plate-of-slop-eating trucker at a diner. (I say “probably” because life is an intriguing, unpredictable journey of the body and mind and who’s to say what tomorrow will bring? Possibly, an experience that will leave me feeling more like
Superman II
than this moment.)

Step One:
While facing your enemy and standing still, quickly bend at the knees, tucking your legs toward your body so that your calves are horizontal to the ground. You’ll float there for a moment or two, absolutely still, until gravity kicks in, rapidly pulling you toward the ground.

Step Two:
When you feel the wind in your hair, indicating your descent, immediately throw a straight right hand. It will connect solidly on your opponent’s d-zone, instantly dropping them in a heap.

This move should be practiced many, many times before deployment in an actual fight. Be advised, you’ll feel a sensation in your lower body the first time you try the move. That feeling is the pain from both your kneecaps having just shattered. A small price to pay for mastery over the greatest technique in fightdom. Over time, those kneecaps will heal, eventually building up enough resistance to withstand the impact.

The timing must be perfect. Be careful not to throw the right hand, and then drop, as the positions will be off and you’ll harmlessly punch your opponent in the chest or rib area. If you punch too late, after having already hit the ground, your foe will have probably caught on and will likely knee you in your face. It must be one, single, fluid maneuver: bend knees, hover, drop, then punch.

Yeah, it’s a beautiful move …

If I had a nickel every time the d-punch bailed me out of a fight … I’d have zero dollars. I donate all my frequency-of-events-happening money to orphans … aka my “future army.” However, before I gave it away, I will say it seemed like there was quite a lot of money there.

Remember earlier when I said there was no specific tactic that applied only to Delawareans? I lied. Suddenly running up behind a person from Delaware, while screaming loudly, and then boxing their ears as they turn toward you WILL INSTANTLY DISABLE ANY PERSON FROM DELAWARE. Then, use the dick punch to finish them off. As the “state of Delaware” ranks just behind the “state of nausea” in a list of things to be avoided, take no mercy on these miserable fucks.

HOW TO BEAT UP DEATH

The best way for us to defeat Death is to deny him what he wants, by taking care of our bodies. Eat right, exercise, and always brush your—
Hahaha!
Nah, I’m just kidding, you need to punch him in the soul with an enchanted gauntlet …

Actually, that’s a joke, too. It’s more complicated than some mere physical altercation. The guy ain’t even corporeal half the time. (And believe me, he won’t stop talking about it, saying things like: “Oh, was the door locked? I didn’t even notice, what with my mist-like form and all, I just breezed right in. Oh, is it weirding you out for me to walk through your table like that?”)

Death is one of the biggest of the big. Death is hard enough to even grasp as a concept without contemplating how to somehow lay hands on him long enough to hurt him. Also known as “The Grim Reaper,” as well as “The Angel of Death,” he is often mistaken for the Devil, but they’re totally different. In regard to prominence, presumed power, and overall mystique, he takes a backseat only to the Devil, God, and Patrick Swayze. Swayze, of course, is the being of pure awesome who has by now conquered all of Heaven. Oh, make no mistake, he’s set up Dalton-style at those pearly gates, checking your boots for razor blades and telling St. Peter to “be cool,” “be nice,” and wait for his and only his cue to “not be nice.”