Push (7 page)

No, she never say that. Miz Rain say value.

Values determine how we live much as money do. I say Miz Rain stupid there. All I can think she don't know to have NOTHIN'. Never breathe and wait for check, check; cry when check late.

Check important. Most important. My mama not getting no check for me, I think she be done killed me a long time ago (well maybe not kill me, but thas how I feel). Miz Rain say feelin's is important. White woman on the news leave her daddy in desert in a wheelchair when checks run out. He had Alhammer disease. Bitch leave him under a cactus tree wif teddy bear. Don't tell me

'bout check not important.

Mama say this new school ain' shit. Say you can't learn nuffin' writing in no book. Gotta git on that computer you want some money. When they gonna teach you how to do the computer. But Mama wrong. I is learning. I'm gonna start going to Family Literacy class on Tuesdays. Important to read to baby after it's born. Important to have colors hanging from the wall. Listen baby, I puts my hand on my stomach, breathe deep. Listen baby (I writes in my notebook):

A is fr Afrc

(for Africa)

B is for u bae

(you baby)

C is cl w bk

(colored we black)

D is dog

E is el lm

(evil like mama)

F is Fuck

Gisjerm btjer j

(jermaine but Jermaine J)

ok G is gunn

Hhm

(home)

11 somb

(somebody)

JJer

(jermaine)

kkl

(kill)

llv

(love)

M frknka rl m

(Farrakhan real man)

Nnfkkk

(North America America^KKlC)

Oop

(open)

Pph

(punks)

Q qee litee

(Queen Latifah)

Rsrt

(respect)

S stp

(stop)

T2tn

(two ton)

Vvt

(vote)

Wwll

(weʼll)

X ma m ml

(mam man Malcolm)

Zzk

(zonked, mean like high)

Listen baby, Muver love you. Muver not dumb.

Listen baby. ABCDEFGHUKLMNOPQRSTUVW

XYZ.

Thas the alphabet. Twenty-six letters in all. Them letters make up words. Them words everything.

Boy. It's a boy. Borned at Harlem Hospital January 15, 1988. Abdul Jamal Louis Jones.

That is my baby's name. Abdul mean servant of god; Jamal, I forgot; Louis for Farrakhan, of course. At school, new girl Joyce, bring me a book wif African names. I awready had known, Abdul, if it a boy. But I didn't know what it mean.

My name mean somethin' valuable—Precious.

Claireece, that somebody else's name. I don't know where my muver get that shit from.

Well, I don't know 'bout baby, I'm happy 'bout baby, I'm sad about baby. Social worker come. I talk to her. She ask 'bout Little Mongo. I tell her Little Mongo wif my grandmother over on St Nicholas Ave. I probably shouldn't have done that. But I was tired. Tired of game, lying. Miz Rain said she read the truth shall set you free; say she not sure she believe it herself. Well, this truth gonna cause Mama to get kicked off welfare. 'Cause what she had been telling the

'fare is Mongo was living with her and she was taking care of bofe of us, so she was getting check for two dependent peoples and stuff. I don't know what's going to happen next. I know I gonna get my own money, but what that if I still in my mama's house? I need my own place, welfare don't give you that much. But main thing above everything else I want to go back to school. Thas all I think about—what they doing?

What they reading? Did I miss the feel trip? I think I did.

November was my birthday, I don't tell nobody so don't nobody know. But I light a candle for myself. I glad Precious Jones was born. I like baby I born. It gets to suckes from my bress.

First I don't like that. It hurt feel sore, then I like it.

He's a good baby. But he's not mine. I mean, he is mine, I push him out my pussy, but I didn't meet a boy 'n fall in love, sex up 'n have a baby.

I think I was rape.

I think what my fahver do is what Farrakhan said the white man did to the black woman. Oh it was terrible and he dood it in front of the black man; that's really terrible. Yeah, on the video, Farrakhan say during slavery times the white man just walk out to the slavery Harlem part where the niggers live separate from the mansions where the white people live and he take any black woman he want and if he feel like it he jus' gone and do the do on top of her even if her man there. This spozed to hurt the black man even more than it hurt the woman getting rape—

for the black man to have to see this raping.

My baby is pretty baby. I don't not love him. He is a rapist's baby. But that's OK, Miz Rain say we is a nation of raped children, that the black man in America today is the product of rape.

Still I don't want nobody to know but I tell again like when I was twelve. How can I say baby's fahver unknown when I know?

School, of everything, I know I want to get back to school. I got little baby suckes at my tittie, at my bress. I love Abdul. He normal. But I ain'? I want to go back to school. Abdul in my way.

Abdul can not go to Higher Education/Each One Teach One. What I'm gonna do? I love my baby but he ain' mine, he is but I didn't fuck for him. I was raped by my fahver. Now instead of life for me I got Abdul. But I love Abdul. I want go school love abdul schoolabdulschoolabdul.

I write Miz Rain in my journal, when she come hospital she write me back like school: Dr Miz Ms Rain,

all yr I sit els I nevr lrn

(all years I sit in class I never learn) bt I gt babe agn Babe bi my favr

(but I got baby again Babe by my father) I wis i had boy
but I don

(l wish I had a boyfriend but J don 'i) ws i had su me fucks a boy Ike

(wish I had excuse me, fucks a boy like) or girl den i fel rite dat I have to qk skool (other girls then I feel right that I have to quit school)

i lv baby abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz (i love baby)

Dear Precious,

Don't forget to put the date, 1/18/88, on your journal entries.

I am glad you love your baby. I think a beautiful young girl like you should get a chance to get an education. I think your first responsibility has to be to yourself. You should not drop out of school.

COME BACK TO CLASS. WE MISS YOU.

Love Ms Rain

Ms R Ja 19,1988

S

wrk as mi i want to gv Litt Mong Abdul up adopsus

(Social worker ask me if I want to give Little Mongo and Abdul up for adoption)

I fel ki her

(I feel kill her)

Nevr hep now wnt kiz way

(Never help now want to take kids away) tsak Abdul i don notin

(take Abdul I don't have nothing)

Precious,

It seems the opposite to me. If you keep Abdul you might have nothing. You are learning to read and write, that is everything.

Come back to school when you get out the hospital.

You're only seventeen. Your whole life is in front of you.

Ms Rain

1/20

Gr

cme vit sa onle dog dro babee an wak off (Grandmother come visit say only a dog will drop a baby and walk off)

say lat no^vipa dog

(say later not even a dog)

Dear Precious,

Don't forget to put the year, '88, on your journal entries.

Precious you are not a dog. You are a wonderful young woman who is trying to make something of her life. I have some questions for you: Where was your grandmother when your father was abusing you?

Where is Little Mongo now?

What is going to be the best thing for you in this situation?

Ms Rain

Mss, Rinas

lot qu
u ask
Hoo?

(lot of questions you ask)

(Who?)

Nbi

(nobody)

aln

(alone)

no Frknm

(no Farrakhan)

no mmam

(no mama)

no gr
muver fther fucktz mefrJ

(no grandmother father fucks me years) lii Mongl with my gr

(Little Mongo -with my grandmother) bes four mi tostop breev i sm tim tik (best for me to stop breathing I sometimes think) aso i want to b god muvther

(also I wants to be good mother)

Precious Jones

Dear Dear Precious,

Being a good mother might mean letting your baby be raised by someone who is better able than you to meet the child's needs.

Ms Rain

Mz Rain

Dan frget rite day Ms R

(Don't forget to write the date Ms Rain.) I is be bt meet cldls ed.

(I is best able to meet my child's need.) Ms Precious

Dear Ms Precious, 1/22/88

When you are raising a small infant you need help. Who is going to help you? How will you support yourself? How will you keep learning to read and write?

Ms Rain

Ms Rain

th wfr hip mma it help mi

(The welfare help Mama. It help me?) Precious Mi

Dear Precious Miss,

When you get home from the hospital look and see how much welfare has helped your mother.

You could go further than your mother. You could get your G.E.D. and go to college. You could do anything Precious but you gotta believe it.

Love Blue Rain

Dear Blu

I lie tah nme Ms Ran. I ty/ty)

(I like that name Ms. Rain. Vm tired tired.) Well I honestly did wanna jus' take Abdul home 'n rest so I could hurry up 'n go back to school. But when I git home from the hospital Mama try to kill me. I had told myself if she ever come at me like that again I will stab her to def. But when it happen, when she git up off that couch 'n charge toward me like fifty niggers, I ran. I just grab Abdul, my bags, 'n hit the door. I got new baby boy in my arms 'n she calling me bitch hoe slut say she gonna kill me 'cause I ruin her life.

Gonna kill me wif her "BARE HANDS!" It's like a black wall gonna crash down on me, nuthin' to do but run. "First you steal my husband! Then you get me cut off welfare!" She MAD! No time to say nothin'. Once I'm outside the door I stop at top of the stairs, look hard at her. She still foaming at mouf, talking about her husband I spoze to steal.

I do tell her one thing as I going down the stairs. I say, "Nigger rape me. I not steal shit fat bitch your husband RAPE me RAPE ME!"

I screaming holding little Abdul, hospital bag with Pampers 'n his stuff, 'n a shopping bag from Wool-worth's with my stuff in it.

I don't even think, my feets just take me back to Harlem Hospital. You know Koch wanna close it, say niggers don't need no hospital all to theyself.

Farrakhan say we need one. Miz Rain say Farrakhan is jive anti-Semitic, homophobe fool.

My pussy hurt. I turn down piece of pavement lead to 'mergency. Then I turn back, go through front door, 'n say I wanna visit maternity ward.

They not spozed to let you up without hassle

'cause of baby snatchers. But bitch see I got Abdul. She must know if anything I be dropping little homeboy off, not snatching nuffin'.

I get off elevator, looking for Nurse Lenore Harrison, that's Ms Butter's name from when I had Little Mongo. Done worked her way up to queen of the ward. What I gonna be, queen of babies? No, I gonna be queen of those ABCs—

readin' 'n writin'. I not gonna stop going to school

'n I not going to give Abdul up and I is gonna get Little Mongo back one day, maybe. I hardly even know what she look like, aside from retarded, that is.

I'm waiting. 'Nother nurse pass me, look at me say she remember me from '83. She skinny, black, I don't remember her. She say she sorry to see me back here, had hoped I be done learned from my mistakes. What kinda shit is that! I didn't make no mistake unless it being born, 'n Miz Rain say I was born for a purpose, 'n Mr Wicher had said I had aptitude for maff. I don't know what purpose but I know I got a purpose, a reason, and according to Farrakhan I got a almighty allah god.

Mistake? I don't think so. Mistakes for niggers to rape. I think I might be the solution. Shit where nurse, yellow bitch. Ize homeless right now. Me

'n Abdul homeless. I can see evil Mama in room tearing posters off wall, messing up my clothes 'n shit. Well bitch gonna hafta get off her ass now!

Nurse Butter come. I tell her what happen. I tell her about school, 'bout Farrakhan 'n allah, 'bout maff— how Mr Wicher had told Mrs Lichenstein I got maff aptitude, and ABCs. How Miz Rain say I'm moving faster through the vowel 'n consonant sounds than even

Rita Romero, who is light skinned. I tell her I not hardly seed Little Mongo since my grandmother tooked her and how Abdul my daddy's baby too. I don't feel shamed—Carl Kenwood Jones freak NOT me!

I am Precious ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRST

UVWXYZ

My baby is born

My baby is black

I am girl

I am black

I want house to live

Help nurse, help me Miz Lenore. Help me. One thing from going to school 'n talking in class I done learned to talk up. Ms Rain say it's a big country. Say bombs cost more than welfare.

Bombs to murder kids 'n shit. Guns to war people

—all that cost more than milk 'n Pampers. Say no shame. No shame. Most time it seem like hype,

'cause she say it so much. But that why she say she say it—to reprogram us to love our-selve. I love me. I ain' gonna let that big fat bitch kick my ass 'n shout on me. And I ain' giving Abdul away.

And I ain' gonna stop school.

Nurse Butter saying she going off duty now, hate to leave me but got to pick up her daughter from babysitter, nurse coming on duty will help me.

I ask new nurse for sanitary napkin, I'm bleeding.

This nurse I don't know. She look me kinda cold.

She whisper talk some shit to another nurse then come tell me I got to go to the armory. It's like they tired. I'm a problem got to be got out they face. I am' got no coat, I say. They say people at shelter give me something when I get there. Sit still, van gonna come git me and drop me, and some of the other patients, off. Nurse say lots of people get out hospital wif no place to go, calm down, you not so special.

The armory is like a dungeon of bricks, damp, wif a few 'lectrik lightbulbs hanging from ceiling. A bitch in bed next to bed I'm in hit herself over 'n over in mouf with her own fist. Over 'n OVER.