Push (9 page)

Heart hurt. I don't know what to do. If not for Abdul (name mean servant of god) I... I... my god, Jezus— allah most high, ABDUL! Mama, Carl, me, Abdul Abdul Abdul, he my angel, my little angel. Do Abdul got it?

I don't know what to do. I ask Ms Rain tomorrow.

On the wall under pictures of Harriet, Alice Walker, and Farrakhan is my Literacy Award.

That is good proof to me I can do anything.

Already Abdul know ABC. Plus he know his numbers. Barely talk and he counting. I did that.

One day I going back for Little Mongo. Maybe I make the day sooner than I had thought. Time, I want to learn to look at round clock and tell time.

No one ever show me. I never tell Ms Rain I don't know that. Got everything like digital watch display, them watches from Korea. What's the difference between Korean and Jap? Mr Wicher say I got aptitude for maff. Where I gonna go when I leave V^way house? I got AIDS? HIV?

What's the difference? My son got it? Lil Mongo?

How I gonna learn and be smart if I got the virus? Why me? Why me? Maybe virus don't get me? Maybe, I, jus' 'cause Carl have it don't mean me and Abdul have it.

I gotta go upstairs to the nursery to get Abdul. I hink about this later. It make me feel stupid crazy, I nean stupid crazy.

[ don't say nuffin' Monday in school, Ms Rain ax me vhat wrong. I say, I OK, talk about it later. Ms Rain say yhat about now. I write her in my journal book.

Jan 9, 1989

One yr I ben scool I like scool I love my techr (One year I been school I like school I love my teacher)

lot i lern. Books I read, chile care work comprts (lot I learn. Books I read, child care, work computers)

Ms Rain i wood like to get a gud job lern wrk comptrs

(Ms Rain I would like to get a good job learn work computers)

get apt me n lil Mongo and Abdul

(get apartment me and Little Mongo and Abdul) Ms Rain I ass you wy Me?

(Ms Rain I ask you why Me?)

Precious

Dear Ms Precious,

You make my day! You don't just don't know how much I love having you in class, how much I love you period. And I am proud of you; the whole school is proud of you.

I'm sure you'll be able to find a job when you get your G.E.D. And maybe your social worker could help you get a nice place for you, Little Mongo, and Abdul.

I don't know what you mean by your question,

"Why me?" Please explain.

Ms Rain 1/9/89

Blue,

So many time u say i cood call you bi yr firs name. I nver doo.

(So many time you say I could call you by your first name. I never do.)

Blu Ran Blue RAIN Rain isgr.

(gray)

but saty

(stay)

my rain A pome

(a poem)

that all i hav to say rit now

1/11/89 Precious Jones the poet

1/13/89

I talk to s
wrk tody she gonn get tess for me

(I talk to social worker today she gonna get test for me)

an Abdul (se

of God) to see

(and Abdul (servant of God) to see) see the i

ey see

see me liv

(live)

or

or

die poslv

(positive)

negv

(negative)

wh? wh?

(why? why?) must

Hi (He) to misel

(myself)

I

must

no

(know)

the truf

(truth)

Precious P. Jones

1/13/89

Dear Precious POET Jones!

Awesome! I love your poetry and your drawings.

What are you and Abdul going to see?

How did you like the poems we read in class?

Love Ms Blue Rain

Ms Rain

Mi an Abdul got a scrit

(Me and Abdul got a secret)

I tell yo latr promois

(I tell you later promise)

no i tell yo now

IV HIV HIV U an Mi coold hav HIV

(IV HIV HIV You and me could have HIV) mi sun God Allh

(my son God Allah)

Alice Walk pra o IV VIYWXYZ

(Alice Walker pray oh IV VI YWXYZ)

IahVIIHIHIHIV HIV.

Precious P. Jones

Dear Precious,
1/23/89

Are you saying you and Abdul need to take an HIV test? Well, tell me as much as you feel comfortable.

Ms Rain

Blue wmon

who tech mi who hep mi I don no whut (who teach me who help me I don't know what) to sa it hard to xplxn i nver tel mi hole store. Yes I (to say it hard to explain I never tell my whole story. Yes I)

need tess four AID I skred thas ALL four nov (need test for AIDS. I scared that's ALL for now) pane (pain)

Precious Pane (Pain)

2/1/89

I gotta learn more than ABCs now. I got to learn more than read write, this big BIG. This the biggest thing happen to Precious P. Jones in her life. I got the AIDS virus. Thas what tess say. We sitting in circle thas when I tell class. Jus' like it's cornflakes for breakfast. After so many days looking out the window, doing double talk in my journal. I just come out and say it. "Nurse at clinic say to me, You are HIV positive," I say to girls, we sit in circle, some faces new, some the same faces from first day—Rita Romero, she hanged.

Jermaine still here, Consuelo gone. Rhonda still on set, some new girls—who is like me when I first walk through the door. Only now I the one who say "keep on keepin' on!" to new girls. I show them how the dialogue journal work. You know how you write to teacher 'n she write back to you in the same journal book like you talkin' on paper and you could SEE your talk coming back to you when the teacher answer you back. I mean thas what had made me really like writing in the beginning, knowing my teacher gonna write me back when I talk to her. I explain the phonics game, vocab building list—all stuff like that J know now. We have a class project—LIFE

STORY. It's where we write our life stories and put it all in one big book. From the girls who been here awhile I only one ain' done my story yet.

One day when I have time I read you what the other girls wrote. Some bitches get down, some bullshit. When I hear Rhonda's story, Rita Romero's story, I know I not the worse off. Rita's daddy kill her mother in front her eyes. Rita been on street selling pussy since she was twelve.

She the only one came in like me—can't read, write nothin'. Then Rhonda's brother raping her since she was a chile, her mother fine out and put Rhonda, not brother, out. Consuelo in fantasy land, she pretty, long hair. But I glad she gone.

She wave her pretty in my face like a flag, tell me exercise and stay out sun so I don't get no darker. Say she found good man.

I glad. I don't hate no one. I don't hate Mama, Carl, so why I gonna get bent outta shape behind some Spanish talking bitch who bent outta shape

'cause she dark like nigger instead of white. Shit, Rhonda a nigger and she lighter than Consuelo!

Consuelo did leave but Jer-maine didn't follow behin' her. Jermaine stayed on. She write real in book. Call what she is sexual preference. Say she shouldn't be judge 'cause of that. She got hard rock story too. Say mens beat her for what she is. Mother put her out house when she fine out.

These girlz is my friends. I been like the baby in a way 'cause I was only 16 first day I walk in.

They visit at hospital when I had Abdul and take up a collection when Mama kick me out and bring stuff to 2way house for me—clothes, cassette player, tuna fish, and Cambull soup, and stuff. They and Ms Rain is my friends and family.

Ms Rain a butch. This still shock to me 'cause you can not tell it, but I remember what she said

—not homos who rape me, not homos who let me be igne-rent. I forgets all that oP shit lately—

Five Percenters, Black Israelites, etc etc (etc etc mean yeah yeah). I never be butch like Celie but it don't make me happy—make me sad. Maybe I never find no love, nobody. At least when I look at the girls I see them and when they look they see ME, not what I looks like. But it seems like boyz just see what you looks like. A boy come out my pussy. Was nothing. A dark spot in the sky; then turn to life in me. When he grow up he gonna laff big black girls? He gon' laff at dark skin like he got? One thing I say about Farrakhan and Alice Walker they help me like being black. I wish I wasn't fat but I am. Maybe one day I like that too, who knows.

But I look my friends in the circle and I tell them, test say I'm HIV positive. And all the tongues dead, can't talk no more. Rita Romero hug me like I'm her chile and I cry and Ms Rain rub my back and say let it out, Precious, let it out. I cry for every day of my life. I cry for Mama what kinda story Mama got to do me like she do? And I cry for my son, the song in my life. The little brown penis, booty, fat thighs, roun' eyes, the voice of love say, Mama, Mama he call me.

Then crying stop. Rita go to her purse and get magazine call Body Positive say I got to join HIV

community. Jezus! It's a community of them? Us, I mean. But I tell her, Not now. I just need to think. Is life a hammer to beat me down?

Jermaine jump up do boxing dance (she think she Mike Tyson!) say fight back! I laugh, a little.

Ms Rain say we got to write now in our journals.

Say each of our lives is important. She got us book from Audre Lorde, a writer woman like Alice Walker. Say each of us has a story to tell. What is a black unicorn? I don't really understand the poem but I like it.

I don't have nothing to write today—maybe never. Hammer in my heart now, beating me, I feel like my blood a giant river swell up inside me and I'm drowning. My head all dark inside. Feel like giant river I never cross in front me now. Ms Rain say, You not writing Precious. I say I drownin' in river. She don't look me like I'm crazy but say, If you just sit there the river gonna rise up drown you! Writing could be the boat carry you to the other side. One time in your journal you told me you had never really told your story. I think telling your story git you over that river Precious.

I still don't move. She say, "Write." I tell her, "I am tired. Fuck you!" I scream, "You don't know nuffin'

what I been through!" I scream at Ms Rain. I never do that before. Class look shock. I feel embarrass, stupid; sit down, I'm made a fool of myself on top of everything else. "Open your notebook Precious." "I'm tired," I says. She says,

"I know you are but you can't stop now Precious, you gotta push." And I do.

2/27/89

Ms Rain say more now, much more. She wan more from me. More than 15 minutes an she write back. Say walk wif it. The journal? I say.

Yeah, she say, Walk wif da journl. Everywhere you go, journl journal go. You know I go walk with Abdul etc., take journal, write stuff in journal.

learnin lot: to too two. three diffrent 2 words.

Each one is diffrent different. Four for fore. Three four words.

Stori

Ms Rain tell me to koncentrate on my story.

When I kft can not spell a word Ms Rain tell me sound out firs lettr c

and draw a lin. Thas

concentrate. Latrer she will fill in rite spelling for me.

But my spelling is impruv. Way way improve.

Ms Rain say I seem dpress deprssjoji is she say angrer turn in.

Jermaine say not necessarily rally (Whutevr Ms Rain say Jermaine don agree)

Rite write write more she say talk more say gte get V2 hos staf to get babee sitter xtra hr so I can go to meatings, movie.

You no I never (good spell) bin a movie, cep vidios on Mama's VCR. I never bin chuc. Rhonda goe ALL the time. Want take me an Ms Rain. She want take hole skool sins she bin savd.

For

a monf it bin like this. I feel daze.

Ms Rain see it

say you not same girl i kno.

is tru. I am a difrent

persn

anybuddy wood be don't u think?

dont

u

think.

Ms Rain

say go back back back

far

you

can rember. what four? I say

whut i got to rmember i nevr dun forgit mama daddy scool

Y why go thru ALL (i like that word) DAT ALL

DAT ALL DAT SHIT But Ms Rain

worred worryed worried about mi. Thas nice sumebuddy care but I don want to worri her. She sen note 2way hous for me to cum scool Vi hr erly to write. And go downtown wif Rhonda for insect talk grup and chuc. I think I AM

MAD. ANGERREEY angerry very mi life not good

i got dizeez. Ms Rain say NOT dizeez I say whut is it then. I Talk angr to Ms Rain she say u notice yr spelin change wen yu hav feelins not tal bout in book she say i am nt dyslx mine that say its emoshunal disturb lets talk bout it I was fine til HIV thing

she say i still fine

but prblm not jus HIV it mama Dady

BUT I was gon dem

I escap dem like Harriet

Ms Ran say we can nt escap the pass.

the way free is hard

look Harriet H-A-R-R-I-E-T

i pratise her name.

Rita say keep tinkin whut you got to bee thankfill for

Jermaine (she bes writer in skool) say semicoln no coin

go befour list

i gt two bee thankfill four:

Ms Rain

ocool school

girlz in class

Abdul

Toosday Rita take me VILLAG

Sat we go muzeum

sun day chuch

MONDY we gonna read Harriet T. book I feel btretter L, j glad I write my book Precious

3/6/89

Wat it be like to bee in luv. I wondr this al the time ALL time all the time.

I kno sex sex so much. I kno bout sex alot a lot wht it be like to hav a fren, thas a guy I mean.

I GOT frens.

I don't sho Ms Rain everything in my book no mor. she mi techer Don want her kno if I rite about SEX if I have sex wif a kute coot boy thas my own age I wil
.

Rita got a man. Rhonda God. Ms Rain a fren.

Jermaine say hole worl her lovr.

3/8/89

My favrt thing to take Abdul down to nursery at breakfus

then

not eat breakfus. n that giv me time to

wallk throo Harlem in

mornin to school

mostly pepul goin

to work

faces faces

iron brown

black glas

tears