Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) (44 page)

MRS DUBEDAT No, not quite yet.

LOUIS
[opening the door and finding RIDGEON there]
Hello, Ridgeon. Delighted to see you. Come in.

MRS DUBEDAT
[shaking hands]
It’s so good of you to come, doctor.

LOUIS Excuse this place, wont you? It’s only a studio, you know: theres no real convenience for living here. But we pig along somehow, thanks to Jennifer.

MRS DUBEDAT Now I’ll run away. Perhaps later on, when youre finished with Louis, I may come in and hear the verdict.
[RIDGEON bows rather constrainedly].
Would you rather I didnt?

RIDGEON Not at all. Not at all.

LOUIS [
flippantly
] I say: dont look so grave. Theres nothing awful going to happen, is there?

RIDGEON No.

LOUIS Thats all right. Poor Jennifer has been looking forward to your visit more than you can imagine. She’s taken quite a fancy to you, Ridgeon. The poor girl has nobody to talk to: I’m always painting.
[Taking up a sketch]
Theres a little sketch I made of her yesterday.

RIDGEON She shewed it to me a fortnight ago when she first called on me.

LOUIS
[quite unabashed]
Oh! did she? Good Lord! how time does fly! I could have sworn I’d only just finished it. It’s hard for her here, seeing me piling up drawings and nothing coming in for them. Of course I shall sell them next year fast enough, after my one-man-show; but while the grass grows the steed starves. I hate to have her coming to me for money, and having none to give her. But what can I do?

RIDGEON I understood that Mrs Dubedat had some property of her own.

LOUIS Oh yes, a little; but how could a man with any decency of feeling touch that? Suppose I did, what would she have to live on if I died? I’m not insured: cant afford the premiums.
[Picking out another drawing]
How do you like that?

RIDGEON
[putting it aside]
I have not come here to-day to look at your drawings. I have more serious and pressing business with you.

LOUIS You want to sound my wretched lung.
[With impulsive candor]
My dear Ridgeon: I’ll be frank with you. Whats the matter in this house isnt lungs but bills. It doesnt matter about me; but Jennifer has actually to economize in the matter of food.Youve made us feel that we can treat you as a friend. Will you lend us a hundred and fifty pounds?

RIDGEON No.

LOUIS
[surprised]
Why not?

RIDGEON I am not a rich man; and I want every penny I can spare and more for my researches.

LOUIS You mean youd want the money back again.

RIDGEON I presume people sometimes have that in view when they lend money.

LOUIS
(after a moment’s reflection]
Well, I can manage that for you. I’ll give you a cheque—or see here: theres no reason why you shouldnt have your bit too: I’ll give you a cheque for two hundred.

RIDGEON Why not cash the cheque at once without troubling me?

LOUIS Bless you! they wouldnt cash it: I’m overdrawn as it is. No: the way to work it is this. I’ll post-date the cheque next October. In October Jennifer’s dividends come in. Well, you present the cheque. It will be returned marked “refer to drawer” or some rubbish of that sort. Then you can take it to Jennifer, and hint that if the cheque isnt taken up at once I shall be put in prison. She’ll pay you like a shot. Youll clear £50; and youll do me a real service; for I do want the money very badly, old chap, I assure you.

RIDGEON
[staring at him]
You see no objection to the transaction ; and you anticipate none from me!

LOUIS Well, what objection can there be? It’s quite safe. I can convince you about the dividends.

RIDGEON I mean on the score of its being—shall I say dis honorable ?

LOUIS Well, of course I shouldnt suggest it if I didnt want the money.

RIDGEON Indeed! Well, you will have to find some other means of getting it.

LOUIS Do you mean that you refuse?

RIDGEON Do I mean—!
[letting his indignation loose]
Of course I refuse, man. What do you take me for? How dare you make such a proposal to me?

LOUIS Why not?

RIDGEON Faugh! You would not understand me if I tried to explain. Now, once for all, I will not lend you a farthing. I should be glad to help your wife; but lending you money is no service to her.

LOUIS Oh well, if youre in earnest about helping her, I’ll tell you what you might do. You might get your patients to buy some of my things, or to give me a few portrait commissions.

RIDGEON My patients call me in as a physician, not as a commercial traveller.

LOUIS But you must have great influence with them . You must know such lots of things about them—private things that they wouldnt like to have known. They wouldnt dare to refuse you.

RIDGEON
[exploding]
Well, upon my—
LOUIS opens the door, and admits SIR PATRICK, SIR RALPH, and WALPOLE.

RIDGEON
[proceeding furiously)
Walpole: Ive been here hardly ten minutes; and already he’s tried to borrow £ 150 from me. Then he proposed that I should get the money for him by blackmailing his wife; and youve just interrupted him in the act of suggesting that I should blackmail my patients into sitting to him for their portraits.

LOUIS Well, Ridgeon, if this is what you call being an honorable man! I spoke to you in confidence.

SIR PATRICK We’re all going to speak to you in confidence, young man.

WALPOLE
[hanging his hat on the only peg left vacant on the hat-stand]
We shall make ourselves at home for half an hour, Dubedat. Dont be alarmed: youre a most fascinating chap; and we love you.

LOUIS Oh, all right, all right. Sit down—anywhere you can. Take this chair, Sir Patrick
[indicating the one on the throne]. Up-
z-z-z [
helping him up: SIR PATRICK grunts and enthrones himself].
Here you are, B. B.
[SIR RALPH glares at the familiarity; but LOUIS, quite undisturbed, puts a big book and a sofa cushion on the dais, on SIR PATRICK’s right; and B. B. sits down, under protest]. Let me take your hat. [He takes B. B.’s hat unceremoniously, and substitutes it for the cardinal’s hat on the head of the lay figure, thereby ingeniously destroying the dignity of the conclave. He then draws the piano stool from the wall and offers it to WALPOLE) . You dont mind this, Walpole, do you? [WALPOLE accepts the stool, and puts his hand into his pocket for his cigaret case. Missing it, he is reminded of his loss].

WALPOLE By the way, I’ll trouble you for my cigaret case, if you dont mind?

LOUIS What cigaret case?

WALPOLE The gold one I lent you at the Star and Garter.

LOUIS
[surprised]
Was that yours?

WALPOLE Yes.

LOUIS I’m awfully sorry, old chap. I wondered whose it was. I’m sorry to say this is all thats left of it. [He hitches up his smock;
produces a card from his waistcoat pocket; and hands it to Walpole].

WALPOLE A pawn
ticket!

LOUIS
[reassuringly]
It’s quite safe: he cant sell it for a year, you know. I say, my dear Walpole, I am sorry.
[He places his hand ingenuously on Walpole’s shoulder and looks frankly at him].

WALPOLE
[sinking on the stool with a gasp]
Dont mention it. It adds to your fascination.

RIDGEON
[who has been standing near the easel]
Before we go any further, you have a debt to pay, Mr Dubedat.

LOUIS I have a precious lot of debts to pay, Ridgeon. I’ll fetch you a chair.
[He makes for the inner door].

RIDGEON
[stopping him]
You shall not leave the room until you pay it. It’s a small one; and pay it you must and shall. I dont so much mind your borrowing £ IO from one of my guests and £20 from the other—

WALPOLE I walked into it, you know. I offered it.

RIDGEON—they could afford it. But to clean poor Blenkinsop out of his last half-crown was damnable. I intend to give him that half-crown and to be in a position to pledge him my word that you paid it. I’ll have that out of you, at all events.

B. B. Quite right, Ridgeon. Quite right. Come, young man! down with the dust.
^fd
Pay up.

LOUIS Oh, you neednt make such a fuss about it. Of course I’ll pay it. I had no idea the poor fellow was hard up. I’m as shocked as any of you about it.
[Putting his hand into his pocket]
Here you are.
(Finding his pocket empty]
Oh, I say, I havnt any money on me just at present. Walpole: would you mind lending me half-a-crown just to settle this.

WALPOLE Lend you half—
[his voicefaints away].

LOUIS Well, if you dont, Blenkinsop wont get it; for I havnt a rap: you may search my pockets if you like.

WALPOLE Thats conclusive.
[He produces half-a-crown].

LOUIS
[passing it to Ridgeon]
There! I’m really glad thats settled : it was the only thing that was on my conscience. Now I hope youre all satisfied.

SIR PATRICK Not quite, Mr Dubedat. Do you happen to know a young woman named Minnie Tinwell?

LOUIS Minnie! I should think I do; and Minnie knows me too. She’s a really nice good girl, considering her station. Whats become of her?

WALPOLE It’s no use b l u f f i n g, Dubedat. Weve seen Minnie’s marriage lines.

LOUIS
[coolly]
Indeed? Have you seen Jennifer’s?

RIDGEON
[rising in irrepressible rage]
Do you dare insinuate that Mrs Dubedat is living with you without being married to you?

LOUIS Why not?

LOUIS Yes, why not? Lots of people do it: just as good people as you. Why dont you learn to t h i n k, instead of bleating and baahing like a lot of sheep when you come up against anything youre not accustomed to?
[Contemplating their amazed faces with a chuckle]
I say: I should like to draw the lot of you now: you do look jolly foolish. Especially you, Ridgeon. I had you that time, you know.

RIDGEON How, pray?

LOUIS Well, you set up to appreciate Jennifer, you know. And you despise me, dont you?

RIDGEON
(curtly]
I loathe you.
[He sits down again on the sofa].

LOUIS Just so. And yet you believe that Jennifer is a bad lot because you think I told you so.

RIDGEON Were you lying?

LOUIS No; but you were smelling out a scandal instead of keeping your mind clean and wholesome. I can just play with people like you. I only asked you had you seen Jennifer’s marriage lines; and you concluded straight away that she hadnt got any. You dont know a lady when you see one.

B. B.
[majestically]
What do you mean by that, may I ask?

LOUIS Now, I’m only an immoral artist; but if y o u d told me that Jennifer wasnt married, I’d have had the gentlemanly feeling and artistic instinct to say that she carried her marriage certificate in her face and in her character. But y o u are all moral men; and Jennifer is only an artist’s wife—probably a model; and morality consists in suspecting other people of not being legally married. Arnt you ashamed of yourselves? Can one of you look me in the face after it?

WALPOLE It’s very hard to look you in the face, Dubedat; you have such a dazzling cheek. What about Minnie Tinwell, eh?

LOUIS Minnie Tinwell is a young woman who has had three weeks of glorious happiness in her poor little life, which is more than most girls in her position get, I can tell you. Ask her whether she’d take it back if she could. She’s got her name into history, that girl. My little sketches of her will be fought by collectors at Christie’s. She’ll have a page in my biography. Pretty good, that, for a still-room maid
^fe
at a seaside hotel, I think. What have you fellows done for her to compare with that?

RIDGEON We havnt trapped her into a mock marriage and deserted her.

LOUIS No: you wouldnt have the pluck. But dont fuss yourselves. I didnt desert little Minnie. We spent all our money—

WALPOLE All h e r money. Thirty pounds.

LOUIS I said all o u r money: hers and mine too. Her thirty pounds didnt last three days. I had to borrow four times as much to spend on her. But I didnt grudge it; and she didnt grudge her few pounds either, the brave little lassie. When we were cleaned out, we’d had enough of it: you can hardly suppose that we were fit company for longer than that: I an artist, and she quite out of art and literature and refined living and everything else. There was no desertion, no misunderstanding, no police court or divorce court sensation for you moral chaps to lick your lips over at breakfast. We just said, Well, the money’s gone: weve had a good time that can never be taken from us; so kiss; part good friends; and she back to service, and I back to my studio and my Jennifer, both the better and happier for our holiday.