Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) (46 page)

RIDGEON About Dubedat.

B. B. Ah yes. Precisely. Thank you. Dubedat, of course. Well, what is our friend Dubedat? A vicious and ignorant young man with a talent for drawing.

LOUIS Thank you. Dont mind me.

B. B. But then, what are many of my patients? Vicious and ignorant young men without a talent for anything. If I were to stop to argue about their merits I should have to give up three-quarters of my practice. Therefore I have made it a rule not so to argue. Now, as an honorable man, having made that rule as to paying patients, can I make an exception as to a patient who, far from being a paying patient, may more fitly be described as a borrowing patient? No. I say No. Mr Dubedat: your moral character is nothing to me. I look at you from a purely scientific point of view. To me you are simply a field of battle in which an invading army of tubercle bacilli struggles with a patriotic force of phagocytes. Having made a promise to your wife, which my principles will not allow me to break, to stimulate those phagocytes, I will stimulate them. And I take no further responsibility. [
He flings himself back in his seat exhausted] .

SIR PATRICK Well, Mr Dubedat, as Sir Ralph has very kindly offered to take charge of your case, and as the two minutes I promised you are up, I must ask you excuse me.
[He rises].

LOUIS Oh, certainly. Ive quite done with you.
[Rising and holding up the sketch block]
There! While youve been talking, Ive been doing. What is there left of your moralizing? Only a little carbonic acid gas which makes the room unhealthy. What is there left of my work? That. Look at it
[RIDGEON rises to look at it].

SIR PATRICK
[who has come down to him from the throne]
You young rascal, was it drawing me you were?

LOUIS Of course. What else?

SIR PATRICK
[takes the drawing from him and grunts approvingly]
Thats rather good. Dont you think so, Colly?

RIDGEON Yes. So good that I should like to have it.

SIR PATRICK Thank you; but I should like to have it myself. What d‘ye think, Walpole?

WALPOLE
[rising and coming over to look]
No, by Jove:
I must
have this.

LOUIS I wish I could afford to give it to you, Sir Patrick. But I’d pay five guineas sooner than part with it.

RIDGEON Oh, for that matter, I will give you six for it.

WALPOLE Ten.

LOUIS I think Sir Patrick is morally entitled to it, as he sat for it. May I send it to your house, Sir Patrick, for twelve guineas?

SIR PATRICK Twelve guineas! Not if you were President of the Royal Academy, young man.
[He gives him back the drawing decisively and turns away, taking up his hat].

LOUIS [to B. B.] Would you like to take it at twelve, Sir Ralph?

B. B.
[coming between LOUIS and WALPOLE]
Twelve guineas? Thank you: I’ll take it at that.
[He takes it and presents it to SIR PATRICK].
Accept it from me, Paddy; and may you long be spared to contemplate it.

SIR PATRICK Thank you.
[He puts the drawing into his hat].

B. B. I neednt settle with you now, Mr Dubedat: my fees will come to more than that.
[He also retrieves his hat].

LOUIS
[indignantly]
Well, of all the mean—[
words fail him]!
I’d let myself be shot sooner than do a thing like that. I consider youve stolen that drawing.

SIR PATRICK
[drily]
So weve converted you to a belief in morality after all, eh?

LOUIS Yah!
[To WALPOLE]
I’ll do another one for you,Walpole, if youll let me have the ten you promised.

WALPOLE Very good. I’ll pay on delivery.

LOUIS Oh! What do you take me for? Have you no confidence in my honor?

WALPOLE None whatever.

LOUIS Oh well, of course if you feel that way, you cant help it. Before you go, Sir Patrick, let me fetch Jennifer. I know she’d like to see you, if you dont mind.
[He goes to the inner door].
And now, before she comes in, one word.Youve all been talking here pretty freely about me—in my own house too.
I
dont mind that: I’m a man and can take care of myself. But when Jennifer comes in, please remember that she’s a lady, and that you are supposed to be gentlemen. [He goes out].

WALPOLE Well!!!
[He gives the situation up as indescribable, and goes for his hat].

RIDGEON Damn his impudence!

B. B. I shouldnt be at all surprised to learn that he’s well connected. Whenever I meet dignity and self-possession without any discoverable basis, I diagnose good family.

RIDGEON Diagnose artistic genius, B. B. Thats what saves his self-respect.

SIR PATRICK The world is made like that. The decent fellows are always being lectured and put out of countenance by the snobs.

B. B.
[altogether refusing to accept this] I
am not out of countenance. I should like, by Jupiter, to see the man who could put me out of countenance. [
Jennifer comes in].
Ah, Mrs. Dubedat! And how are we to-day?

MRS DUBEDAT
[shaking hands with him]
Thank you all so much for coming.
[She shakes WALPOLE’s hand].
Thank you, Sir Patrick
[she shakes SIR PATRICK‘s].
Oh, life has been worth living since I have known you. Since Richmond I have not known a moment’s fear. And it used to be nothing but fear. Wont you sit down and tell me the result of the consultation?

WALPOLE I’ll go, if you dont mind, Mrs. Dubedat. I have an appointment. Before I go, let me say that I am quite agreed with my colleagues here as to the character of the case. As to the cause and the remedy, thats not my business: I’m only a surgeon; and these gentlemen are physicians and will advise you. I may have my own views: in fact I h a v e them; and they are perfectly well known to my colleagues. If I am needed— and needed I shall be finally—they know where to find me; and I am always at your service. So for to-day, good-bye.
[He goes out, leaving JENNIFER much puzzled by his unexpected withdrawal and formal manner].

SIR PATRICK I also will ask you to excuse me, Mrs Dubedat.

RIDGEON
(anxiously]
Are you going?

SIR PATRICK Yes: I can be of no use here; and I must be getting back. As you know, maam, I’m not in practice now; and I shall not be in charge of the case. It rests between Sir Colenso Ridgeon and Sir Ralph Bloomfield Bonington. They know my opinion. Good afternoon to you, maam.
[He bows and
makes
for the door].

MRS DUBEDAT
[detaining him]
Theres nothing wrong, is there?You dont think Louis is worse, do you?

SIR PATRICK No: he’s not worse. Just the same as at Richmond.

MRS DUBEDAT Oh, thank you: you frightened me. Excuse me.

SIR PATRICK Dont mention it, maam.
[He goes out].

B. B. Now, Mrs Dubedat, if I am to take the patient in hand—

MRS DUBEDAT
[apprehensively, with a glance at RIDGEON]
You! But I thought that Sir Colenso—

B. B.
[beaming with the conviction that he is giving her a most gratifying surprise]
My dear lady, your husband shall have Me.

MRS DUBEDAT But—

B. B. Not a word: it is a pleasure to me, for your sake. Sir Colenso Ridgeon will be in his proper place, in the bacteriological laboratory.
I
shall be in my proper place, at the bedside. Your husband shall be treated exactly as if he were a member of the royal family.
[MRS DUBEDAT uneasy, again is about to protest].
No gratitude: it would embarrass me, I assure you. Now, may I ask whether you are particularly tied to these apartments. Of course, the motor has annihilated distance; but I confess that if you were rather nearer to me, it would be a little more convenient.

MRS DUBEDAT You see, this studio and flat are self-contained. I have suffered so much in lodgings. The servants are so frightfully dishonest.

B. B. Ah! Are they? Are they? Dear me!

MRS DUBEDAT I was never accustomed to lock things up. And I missed so many small sums. At last a dreadful thing happened. I missed a five-pound note. It was traced to the housemaid; and she actually said Louis had given it to her. And he wouldnt let me do anything: he is so sensitive that these things drive him mad.

B. B. Ah—hm—ha—yes—say no more, Mrs. Dubedat: you shall not move. If the mountain will not come to Mahomet, Mahomet must come to the mountain.
^fi
Now I must be off. I will write and make an appointment. We shall begin stimulating the phagocytes on—on—probably on Tuesday next; but I will let you know. Depend on me; dont fret; eat regularly; sleep well; keep your spirits up; keep the patient cheerful; hope for the best; no tonic like a charming woman; no medicine like cheerfulness; no resource like science; good-bye, good-bye, good-bye.
[Having shaken hands—she being too overwhelmed to speak
—
he goes out, stopping to say to RIDGEON]
On Tuesday morning send me down a tube of some really stiff anti-toxin. Any kind will do. Dont forget. Good-bye, Colly.
[He goes out].

RIDGEON You look quite discouraged again.
[She is almost in tears].
What’s the matter? Are you disappointed?

MRS DUBEDAT I know I ought to be very grateful. Believe me, I am very grateful. But—but—

RIDGEON Well?

MRS DUBEDAT I had set my heart on y o u r curing Louis.

RIDGEON Well, Sir Ralph Bloomfield Bonington—

MRS DUBEDAT Yes, I know, I know. It is a great privilege to have him. But oh, I wish it had been you. I know it’s unreasonable; I cant explain; but I had such a strong instinct that you would cure him. I dont—I cant feel the same about Sir Ralph. You promised me. Why did you give Louis up?

RIDGEON I explained to you. I cannot take another case.

MRS DUBEDAT But at Richmond?

RIDGEON At Richmond I thought I could make room for one more case. But my old friend Dr Blenkinsop claimed that place. His lung is attacked.

MRS DUBEDAT
[attaching no importance whatever to BLENKINSOP]
Do you mean that elderly man—that rather silly—

RIDGEON
[sternly]
I mean the gentleman that dined with us: an excellent and honest man, whose life is as valuable as anyone else’s. I have arranged that I shall take his case, and that Sir Ralph Bloomfield Bonington shall take Mr Dubedat’s.

MRS DUBEDAT
[turning indignantly on him]
I see what it is. Oh! it is envious, mean, cruel. And I thought that you would be above such a thing.

RIDGEON What do you mean?

MRS DUBEDAT Oh, do you think I dont know? do you think it has never happened before? Why does everybody turn against him? Can you not forgive him for being superior to you? for being cleverer? for being braver? for being a great artist?

RIDGEON Yes: I can forgive him for all that.

MRS DUBEDAT Well, have you anything to say against him? I have challenged everyone who has turned against him—chal—lenged them face to face to tell me any wrong thing he has done, any ignoble thought he has uttered. They have always confessed that they could not tell me one. I challenge you now. What do you accuse him of?

RIDGE ON I am like all the rest. Face to face, I cannot tell you one thing against him.

MRS DUBEDAT
[not satisfied]
But your manner is changed. And you have broken your promise to me to make room for him as your patient.

RIDGEON I think you are a little unreasonable. You have had the very best medical advice in London for him; and his case has been taken in hand by a leader of the profession. Surely—

MRS DUBEDAT Oh, it is so cruel to keep telling me that. It seems all right; and it puts me in the wrong. But I am not in the wrong. I have faith in you; and I have no faith in the others. We have seen so many doctors: I have come to know at last when they are only talking and can do nothing. It is dif ferent with you. I feel that you know. You must listen to me, doctor.
[With sudden misgiving]
Am I offending you by calling you doctor instead of remembering your title?

RIDGEON Nonsense. I a m a doctor. But mind you, dont call Walpole one.

MRS DUBEDAT I dont care about Mr Walpole: it is you who must befriend me. Oh, will you please sit down and listen to me just for a few minutes.
[He assents with a grave inclination, and sits on the sofa. She sits on the easel chair].
Thank you. I wont keep you long; but I must tell you the whole truth. Listen. I know Louis as nobody else in the world knows him or ever can know him. I am his wife. I know he has little faults: impa tiences, sensitivenesses, even little selfishnesses that are too trivial for him to notice. I know that he sometimes shocks people about money because he is so utterly above it, and cant understand the value ordinary people set on it. Tell me: did he—did he borrow any money from you?

RIDGEON He asked me for some—once.

MRS DUDEBAT
[tears again in her eyes]
Oh, I am so sorry—so sorry. But he will never do it again: I pledge you my word for that. He has given me his promise: here in this room just before you came; and he is incapable of breaking his word. That was his only real weakness; and now it is conquered and done with for ever.

RIDGEON Was that really his only weakness?

MRS DUBEDAT He is perhaps sometimes weak about women, because they adore him so, and are always laying traps for him. And of course when he says he doesnt believe in morality, ordinary pious people think he must be wicked. You can understand, cant you, how all this starts a great deal of gossip about him, and gets repeated until even good friends get set against him?

RIDGEON Yes: I understand.

MRS DUDEBAT Oh, if you only knew the other side of him as I do! Do you know, doctor, that if Louis dishonored himself by a really bad action, I should kill myself.

RIDGEON Come! dont exaggerate.

MRS DUBEDAT I should. You dont understand that, you east country people.