Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) (51 page)
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Authors: George Bernard Shaw
BOOK: Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series)
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Pygmalion Higgins is not a portrait of Sweet, to whom the adventure of Eliza Doolittle would have been impossible; still, as will be seen, there are touches of Sweet in the play. With Higgins’s physique and temperament Sweet might have set the Thames on fire. As it was, he impressed himself professionally on Europe to an extent that made his comparative personal obscurity, and the failure of Oxford to do justice to his eminence, a puzzle to foreign specialists in his subject. I do not blame Oxford, because I think Oxford is quite right in demanding a certain social amenity from its nurslings (heaven knows it is not exorbitant in its requirements!); for although I well know how hard it is for a man of genius with a seriously underrated subject to maintain serene and kindly relations with the men who underrate it, and who keep all the best places for less important subjects which they profess without originality and sometimes without much capacity for them, still, if he overwhelms them with wrath and disdain, he cannot expect them to heap honors on him.
Of the later generations of phoneticians I know little. Among them towers the Poet Laureate,
fv
to whom perhaps Higgins may owe his Miltonic sympathies, though here again I must disclaim all portraiture. But if the play makes the public aware that there are such people as phoneticians, and that they are among the most important people in England at present, it will serve its turn.
fv
to whom perhaps Higgins may owe his Miltonic sympathies, though here again I must disclaim all portraiture. But if the play makes the public aware that there are such people as phoneticians, and that they are among the most important people in England at present, it will serve its turn.
I wish to boast that Pygmalion has been an extremely successful play all over Europe and North America as well as at home. It is so intensely and deliberately didactic, and its subject is esteemed so dry, that I delight in throwing it at the heads of the wiseacres who repeat the parrot cry that art should never be didactic. It goes to prove my contention that art should never be anything else.
Finally, and for the encouragement of people troubled with accents that cut them off from all high employment, I may add that the change wrought by Professor Higgins in the flower girl is neither impossible nor uncommon. The modern concierge’s daughter who fulfils her ambition by playing the Queen of Spain in Ruy Blas
fw
at the Théâtre Français is only one of many thousands of men and women who have sloughed off their native dialects and acquired a new tongue. But the thing has to be done scientifically, or the last state of the aspirant may be worse than the first. An honest and natural slum dialect is more tolerable than the attempt of a phonetically untaught person to imitate the vulgar dialect of the golf club; and I am sorry to say that in spite of the efforts of our Academy of Dramatic Art, there is still too much sham golfing English on our stage, and too little of the noble English of Forbes Robertson.
fw
at the Théâtre Français is only one of many thousands of men and women who have sloughed off their native dialects and acquired a new tongue. But the thing has to be done scientifically, or the last state of the aspirant may be worse than the first. An honest and natural slum dialect is more tolerable than the attempt of a phonetically untaught person to imitate the vulgar dialect of the golf club; and I am sorry to say that in spite of the efforts of our Academy of Dramatic Art, there is still too much sham golfing English on our stage, and too little of the noble English of Forbes Robertson.
ACT I
Covent Garden at 11.15 p.m. Torrents of heavy summer rain. Cab whistles blowing frantically in all directions. Pedestrians running for shelter into the market and under the portico of St. Paul’s Church,
2
where there are already several people, among them a lady and her daughter in evening dress. They are all peering out gloomily at the rain, except one man with his back turned to the rest, who seems wholly preoccupied with a notebook in which he is writing busily.
2
where there are already several people, among them a lady and her daughter in evening dress. They are all peering out gloomily at the rain, except one man with his back turned to the rest, who seems wholly preoccupied with a notebook in which he is writing busily.
The church clock strikes the first quarter.
THE DAUGHTER [in
the space between the central pillars, close to the one on her left
] I’m getting chilled to the bone. What can Freddy be doing all this time? Hes been gone twenty minutes.
the space between the central pillars, close to the one on her left
] I’m getting chilled to the bone. What can Freddy be doing all this time? Hes been gone twenty minutes.
THE MOTHER
[on her daughter’s right]
Not so long. But he ought to have got us a cab by this.
[on her daughter’s right]
Not so long. But he ought to have got us a cab by this.
A BYSTANDER
[on the lady’s right
] He wont get no cab not until half-past eleven, missus, when they come back after dropping their theatre fares.
[on the lady’s right
] He wont get no cab not until half-past eleven, missus, when they come back after dropping their theatre fares.
THE MOTHER But we must have a cab. We cant stand here until half-past eleven. It’s too bad.
THE BYSTANDER Well, it aint my fault, missus.
THE DAUGHTER If Freddy had a bit of gumption, he would have got one at the theatre door.
THE MOTHER What could he have done, poor boy?
THE DAUGHTER Other people got cabs. Why couldnt he?
FREDDY rushes in out of the rain from the Southampton Street side, and comes between them closing a dripping umbrella. He is a young man of twenty, in evening dress, very wet around the ankles.
THE DAUGHTER Well, havnt you got a cab?
FREDDY Theres not one to be had for love or money.
THE MOTHER Oh, Freddy, there must be one. You cant have tried.
THE DAUGHTER It’s too tiresome. Do you expect us to go and get one ourselves?
FREDDY I tell you theyre all engaged. The rain was so sudden: nobody was prepared; and everybody had to take a cab. Ive been to Charing Cross one way and nearly to Ludgate Circus the other; and they were all engaged.
THE MOTHER Did you try Trafalgar Square?
FREDDY There wasnt one at Trafalgar Square.
THE DAUGHTER Did you try?
FREDDY I tried as far as Charing Cross Station. Did you expect me to walk to Hammersmith?
THE DAUGHTER You havnt tried at all.
THE MOTHER You really are very helpless, Freddy. Go again; and dont come back until you have found a cab.
FREDDY I shall simply get soaked for nothing.
THE DAUGHTER And what about us? Are we to stay here all night in this draught, with next to nothing on. You selfish pig—
FREDDY Oh, very well: I’ll go, I’ll go.
[He opens his umbrella and dashes off Strandwards, but comes into collision with a flower girl, who is hurrying in for shelter, knocking her basket out of her hands. A blinding flash of lightning, followed instantly by a rattling peal of thunder, orchestrates the incident].
[He opens his umbrella and dashes off Strandwards, but comes into collision with a flower girl, who is hurrying in for shelter, knocking her basket out of her hands. A blinding flash of lightning, followed instantly by a rattling peal of thunder, orchestrates the incident].
THE FLOWER GIRL Nah then, Freddy: look wh’ y’ gowin, deah.
FREDDY Sorry
[he rushes off
]
.
[he rushes off
]
.
THE FLOWER GIRL
[picking up her scattered flowers and replacing them in the basket]
Theres menners f’ yer! Te-oo banches o voylets trod into the mad.
fx
[She sits down on the plinth
of
the
column, sorting her flowers, on the lady’s right. She is not at all an attractive person.
fy
She is perhaps eighteen, perhaps twenty, hardly older. She wears a little sailor hat of black straw that has long been exposed to the dust and soot of London and has seldom if ever been brushed. Her hair needs washing rather badly: its mousy color can hardly be natural. She wears a shoddy black coat that reaches nearly to her knees and is shaped to her waist. She has a brown skirt with a coarse apron. Her boots are much the worse for wear. She is no doubt as clean as she can afford to be; but compared to the ladies she is very dirty. Her features are no worse than theirs; but their condition leaves something to be desired; and she needs the services of a dentist].
[picking up her scattered flowers and replacing them in the basket]
Theres menners f’ yer! Te-oo banches o voylets trod into the mad.
fx
[She sits down on the plinth
of
the
column, sorting her flowers, on the lady’s right. She is not at all an attractive person.
fy
She is perhaps eighteen, perhaps twenty, hardly older. She wears a little sailor hat of black straw that has long been exposed to the dust and soot of London and has seldom if ever been brushed. Her hair needs washing rather badly: its mousy color can hardly be natural. She wears a shoddy black coat that reaches nearly to her knees and is shaped to her waist. She has a brown skirt with a coarse apron. Her boots are much the worse for wear. She is no doubt as clean as she can afford to be; but compared to the ladies she is very dirty. Her features are no worse than theirs; but their condition leaves something to be desired; and she needs the services of a dentist].
THE MOTHER How do you know that my son’s name is Freddy, pray?
THE FLOWER GIRL Ow, eez ye-ooa san, is e?Wal, fewd dan y’ de-ooty bawmz a mather should, eed now bettern to spawl a pore gel’s flahrzn than ran awy athaht pyin. Will ye-oo py me f‘them?
3
[Here, with apologies, this desperate attempt to represent her dialect without a phonetic alphabet must be abandoned as unintelligible outside London.
]
3
[Here, with apologies, this desperate attempt to represent her dialect without a phonetic alphabet must be abandoned as unintelligible outside London.
]
THE DAUGHTER Do nothing of the sort, mother. The idea!
THE MOTHER Please allow me, Clara. Have you any pennies?
THE DAUGHTER No. I’ve nothing smaller than sixpence.
THE MOTHER
[to CLARA]
Give it to me.
[CLARA parts reluctantly
]
.
Now
[to the girl]
this is for your flowers.
[to CLARA]
Give it to me.
[CLARA parts reluctantly
]
.
Now
[to the girl]
this is for your flowers.
THE FLOWER GIRL Thank you kindly, lady.
THE DAUGHTER Make her give you the change. These things are only a penny a bunch.
THE MOTHER Do hold your tongue, Clara.
[To the girl
] You can keep the change.
[To the girl
] You can keep the change.
THE FLOWER GIRL Oh, thank you, lady.
THE MOTHER Now tell me how you know that young gentleman’s name.
THE FLOWER GIRL I didnt.
THE MOTHER I heard you call him by it. Dont try to deceive me.
THE FLOWER GIRL
[protesting]
Whos trying to deceive you? I called him Freddy or Charlie same as you might yourself if you was talking to a stranger and wished to be pleasant.
[She sits down beside her basket].
[protesting]
Whos trying to deceive you? I called him Freddy or Charlie same as you might yourself if you was talking to a stranger and wished to be pleasant.
[She sits down beside her basket].
THE DAUGHTER Sixpence thrown away! Really, mamma, you might have spared Freddy that.
[She retreats in disgust behind the pillar].
[She retreats in disgust behind the pillar].
An elderly gentleman of the amiable military type rushes into shelter, and closes a dripping umbrella. He is in the same plight as FREDDY, very wet about the ankles. He is in evening dress, with a light overcoat. He takes the place left vacant by the daughter’s retirement.
THE GENTLEMAN Phew!
THE MOTHER
[to the gentleman]
Oh, sir, is there any sign of its stopping?
[to the gentleman]
Oh, sir, is there any sign of its stopping?
THE GENTLEMAN I’m afraid not. It started worse than ever about two minutes ago.
[He goes to the plinth beside the flower girl; puts up his foot on it; and stoops to turn down his trouser ends
].
ga
[He goes to the plinth beside the flower girl; puts up his foot on it; and stoops to turn down his trouser ends
].
ga
THE MOTHER Oh, dear!
[She retires sadly and joins her daughter
]
.
[She retires sadly and joins her daughter
]
.
THE FLOWER GIRL
[taking advantage of the military gentleman’s proximity to establish friendly relations with him]
If it’s worse it’s a sign it’s nearly over. So cheer up, Captain; and buy a flower off a poor girl.
[taking advantage of the military gentleman’s proximity to establish friendly relations with him]
If it’s worse it’s a sign it’s nearly over. So cheer up, Captain; and buy a flower off a poor girl.
THE GENTLEMAN I’m sorry, I havnt any change.
THE FLOWER GIRL I can give you change, Captain.
THE GENTLEMAN For a sovereign? Ive nothing less.
THE FLOWER GIRL Garn! Oh do buy a flower off me, Captain. I can change half-a-crown. Take this for tuppence.
THE GENTLEMAN Now dont be troublesome: theres a good girl.
(Trying his pockets]
I really havnt any change—Stop: heres three hapence, if thats any use to you
[he retreats to the other pillar].
(Trying his pockets]
I really havnt any change—Stop: heres three hapence, if thats any use to you
[he retreats to the other pillar].
THE FLOWER GIRL
[disappointed, but thinking three halfpence better than nothing]
Thank you, sir.
[disappointed, but thinking three halfpence better than nothing]
Thank you, sir.
THE BYSTANDER
[to the girl]
You be careful: give him a flower for it. Theres a bloke here behind taking down every blessed word youre saying.
[All turn to the man who is taking notes
]
.
[to the girl]
You be careful: give him a flower for it. Theres a bloke here behind taking down every blessed word youre saying.
[All turn to the man who is taking notes
]
.
THE FLOWER GIRL [
springing
up
terrified
] I aint done nothing wrong by speaking to the gentleman. Ive a right to sell flowers if I keep off the kerb. [
Hysterically
] I’m a respectable girl: so help me, I never spoke to him except to ask him to buy a flower off me.
[General hubbub, mostly sympathetic to the flower girl, but deprecating her excessive sensibility. Cries of
Dont start hol lerin. Whos hurting you? Nobody’s going to touch you. Whats the good of fussing? Steady on. Easy, easy, etc., come from the elderly staid spectators, who
pat
her
comfortingly.
Less patient ones
bid
her shut her head, or
ask
her
roughly
what is wrong with her. A remoter group, not
knowing
what the matter is, crowd in
and
increase
the noise with question and answer:
Whats the row? What she do? Where is he? A tec
gb
taking her down. What! him? Yes: him over there: Took money off the gentleman, etc.
The flower girl, distraught and mobbed, breaks through them to the gentleman, crying
wildly
] Oh, sir, dont let him charge me.
gc
You dunno what it means to me. Theyll take away my character and drive me on the streets for speaking to gentlemen. They—
springing
up
terrified
] I aint done nothing wrong by speaking to the gentleman. Ive a right to sell flowers if I keep off the kerb. [
Hysterically
] I’m a respectable girl: so help me, I never spoke to him except to ask him to buy a flower off me.
[General hubbub, mostly sympathetic to the flower girl, but deprecating her excessive sensibility. Cries of
Dont start hol lerin. Whos hurting you? Nobody’s going to touch you. Whats the good of fussing? Steady on. Easy, easy, etc., come from the elderly staid spectators, who
pat
her
comfortingly.
Less patient ones
bid
her shut her head, or
ask
her
roughly
what is wrong with her. A remoter group, not
knowing
what the matter is, crowd in
and
increase
the noise with question and answer:
Whats the row? What she do? Where is he? A tec
gb
taking her down. What! him? Yes: him over there: Took money off the gentleman, etc.
The flower girl, distraught and mobbed, breaks through them to the gentleman, crying
wildly
] Oh, sir, dont let him charge me.
gc
You dunno what it means to me. Theyll take away my character and drive me on the streets for speaking to gentlemen. They—
THE NOTE TAKER [
coming forward
on her right, the rest
crowding after
him] There, there, there, there! whos hurting you, you silly girl? What do you take me for?
coming forward
on her right, the rest
crowding after
him] There, there, there, there! whos hurting you, you silly girl? What do you take me for?
THE BYSTANDER It’s all right: hes a gentleman: look at his boots.
[Explaining to the note taker]
She thought you was a copper’s nark,
gd
sir.
[Explaining to the note taker]
She thought you was a copper’s nark,
gd
sir.
THE NOTE TAKER
[with quick interest
] Whats a copper’s nark?
[with quick interest
] Whats a copper’s nark?
THE BYSTANDER
[inapt at definition]
It’s a—well, it’s a copper’s nark, as you might say. What else would you call it? A sort of informer.
[inapt at definition]
It’s a—well, it’s a copper’s nark, as you might say. What else would you call it? A sort of informer.
THE FLOWER GIRL
[still hysterical
] I take my Bible oath I never said a word—
[still hysterical
] I take my Bible oath I never said a word—
THE NOTE TAKER [overbearing but
good-humored]
Oh, shut up, shut up. Do I look like a policeman?
good-humored]
Oh, shut up, shut up. Do I look like a policeman?
THE FLOWER GIRL [
far from
reassured] Then what did you take down my words for? How do I know whether you took me down right? You just shew me what youve wrote about me.
[The note taker opens his book and holds it steadily under her nose, though the pressure of the mob trying to read it over his shoulders would upset a weaker man].
Whats that? That aint proper writing. I cant read that.
far from
reassured] Then what did you take down my words for? How do I know whether you took me down right? You just shew me what youve wrote about me.
[The note taker opens his book and holds it steadily under her nose, though the pressure of the mob trying to read it over his shoulders would upset a weaker man].
Whats that? That aint proper writing. I cant read that.
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