Rain 01 When It Rains (30 page)

Asher

W
HEN
I
WAS
IN
HIGH
SCHOOL
and college, I thought I had all the time in the world. I didn’t care too much about what I did or who it would affect. I was being reckless until one bad decision changed everything.

After Megan died, I tried to move on, but I always felt like what happened to her was somehow my fault. And when the doctor announced that I had cancer, I tuned out everything he said after that. I was in shock.

Then it hit me.

Maybe I deserved this.

This was my punishment for not being there when my friend needed me. I’m the reason she’s not here anymore. And I had accepted that until I fell hard for Kate. I questioned myself every single time I walked into that diner, but something was pulling me toward her and I couldn’t fight it.

Now as I lie here holding her in my arms, I’m glad she’s with me, but pissed off she’s going to have to spend any part of her life without me . . . and soon. This isn’t going to be fair to her, but cancer is the one thing in my life I have no fucking control over.

“Are you awake?” Kate asks, resting her chin on my chest.

I run my hand up her back until I feel her soft hair between my fingers. “I’ve been up for a while. I was just about to take my meds.”

“Are you feeling okay? Do you need me to call the doctor?” she asks, shooting up to a sitting position.

“I’m okay,” I lie, carefully moving to sit up next to her.

“Are you sure? Do you want some water or anything?”

I nuzzle my nose against her cheek, moving down to kiss the delicate spot below her ear. “No, just stay here with me,” I whisper against her neck.

“I’m not going anywhere,” she says, leaning into me so that her hair falls against my shoulder. Continuing to kiss down her neck, I breathe in the sweet smell of her skin. I’d give anything to remember that smell . . . I never realized how much there is to love about a person until I met Kate.

I slowly brush the hair away from her shoulder to give myself access to her collarbone and shower her soft skin with more affection. The first time I saw her, I was drawn to the unique color of her hair and the way it contrasted with her eyes. Then after staring into those gorgeous emerald green eyes, I realized that there was something different about this girl. I had to know her, whether I was here for two more weeks or two years . . . somehow I knew it would be worth it.

I lightly run my tongue along the center of her neck, stopping to kiss her chin and each corner of her lips. “I love you,” I whisper, finally capturing her lips.

A sharp pain suddenly rips through my body, causing me to lean forward and bury my head between my knees.

“Asher! Are you okay? Should I call someone?” Kate asks in a panic, putting her hand on my shoulder.

I shake my head, trying my best to speak through the overwhelmingly excruciating pain. “Just water . . . and a pain pill.”

“I’ll be right back,” she says, hurrying out of the room. The time I have left shouldn’t have to be overshadowed with all of this misery. I should be able to sit in bed with my girl and do the things that normal couples do.

But I can’t.

Cancer is a motherfucking bitch . . . and there’s no cure for the kind that’s growing inside me every day.

Why has my life finally become so perfect when all I have left is a date with my maker? Kate will be the last person I’ll ever kiss. She’ll be the last woman I’ll ever make love to . . . the only woman I’ll make love to. She gives me purpose in a world that I didn’t think had one for me. She gives me the chance at a life I never thought I would have, even if it has to end way before it should.

“Here you go,” she says softly as she enters the room again.

“Thanks.” I take two pills from her hands and pop them in my mouth. I follow it with a few sips of water and lay my head back on the pillow.

“Better?” she asks, lying beside me.

“It will be,” I reply honestly, splaying my hand on her stomach.

Sometimes my body hurts so bad that I just want to get all of this over with, but then I take one look into Kate’s eyes and I regain my will to live. I’d give anything to have forever with her.

Her forever . . . not mine.

“Do you need me to get you anything else?” she asks, placing her hesitant hand on my chest.

“I’m okay; let’s just stay right where we are.” Lying here with her feels good. Besides, I don’t have the energy to do anything else.

Last night I wanted to make love to her. It’s hard to look at her every day and feel this connection but not be as close to her as I can be. I’ve had sex with lots of girls, but she’s different. She’s the one.

Today, I’m paying for it. I knew I didn’t have the physical or emotional strength to be with her last night, but I did it anyway.
She’s my addiction. I can’t give her up.

“Do you want me to put a movie in?”

“Let’s stay like this a little while longer,” I whisper.

“Okay, let’s talk then. Who was your first girlfriend?” she asks, moving her head closer to mine.

I laugh just thinking about it. “Her name was Lana Richards. I was fourteen, and she was fifteen.”

“How long did it last?”

“Maybe two weeks.” I smile, thinking about the day she threw her French fries at my head in the cafeteria.

“It must’ve been pretty serious,” Kate laughs, tracing small circles on my bare chest.

“All the names she called me that day were definitely serious. What about you? Who was your first boyfriend?”

The smile falls from her beautiful face, leaving the sad expression I used to see so often when I first met her. “I never had one,” she whispers, freezing her fingers in place. “You’re my first.”

My chest aches hearing her admit that. She lost so much time because of one asshole, and I’d do just about anything to give those years back to her. I know I can’t, but at least I can give her hope for a future.

Placing my finger under her chin, I bring her green eyes back to mine. “I’m glad I got to be your first, but I want you to promise me that I won’t be your last.”

“Asher—”

“Don’t,” I say, placing my finger over her lips. “I don’t want you to argue with me over this one. I need to know that you’ll be all right. I need to know that you’re happy.”

“I can’t even think about that now. Don’t you get that? I love you so freaking much . . . I can’t see past you, Asher,” she says, closing her eyes. “I can’t.”

“You’re special, Kate. Someone is going to see it just like I do,” I say softly, running my thumb across her cheekbone. “I don’t want to leave until I know you can live without me. And when I say live, I mean smiling. I just want you to be happy.”

“Stop. Please, just stop,” she mumbles, covering her face with her hands.

Using the little bit of strength I have left, I pull her toward me and hold her close to my chest. I hate seeing her like this, knowing that I’ve caused it. No one should ever have to talk to their girlfriend about this shit. It hurts so fucking much, but I push through it because I know she needs my strength.

I don’t want her to feel guilty. I don’t want her to think her life ends after me. She did that once and lost so much because of it.

“I’m sorry. Not because of what I said, but because I had to say it,” I say, combing my fingers through her hair.

“Can we talk about something else? Please.”

I use the hand resting behind hers to pull her closer to me, feeling her warm breath mix with mine. “Loving you is easy, but it makes this so much harder.”

Her warm lips graze mine over and over again. “I love you.”

I hold her close to my chest, and I feel the weight of my eyelids getting heavier and heavier. I don’t want to close my eyes. I hate falling asleep because I’m missing so much of the time I have left with this girl, but control is something I have very little of now.

It’s preparing me for what’s to come.

I want her to be okay . . . it’s what I pray for every time I feel myself drifting. I pray to wake up and see her beautiful face one more time. I pray for a miracle, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I was already given one.

Kate.

T
HE
FIRST
THING
THAT
CATCHES
my eye as I pull down my street is Beau’s old beat-up Chevy. I haven’t spoken to him since I learned Asher’s sick. Not because I don’t want to but because I haven’t had time for anyone else.

Asher and I have been spending every moment together, but once in a while when he’s sleeping, I leave to run a few errands. I hate every minute of it the time we spend apart. I’m always afraid I’m going to miss one of the rare moments he’s awake, or that he’ll take a turn for the worse and I won’t be there for him.

As I stop in my driveway, I remember the relief I used to feel every time I saw Beau was home. I feel a little bit of it right now. I’m half expecting him to come out the front door like he used to but he doesn’t.

Those days are gone.

When I walk into my house, it’s overwhelmingly quiet. My mom’s spot at the kitchen table is empty, and the television is off.

I quickly throw a few items into my duffle bag, not paying any attention to whether they match. I take a couple minutes to leave my mom a note apologizing for all the dirty clothes I left in the laundry room and head back out the door.

The cold air hits my face as I run down my steps toward my car. With any luck, it’ll still be warmed up from the drive over here.

“Kate!” I hear a familiar voice yell from behind me.

I halt in place, hesitant to turn around and face him.

“Kate!” This time, I can tell he’s closer.

Taking a deep breath, I turn and look at the man I didn’t even know I missed so much until this moment. “Hey, what are you doing home?”

“Winter break,” he replies, running his fingers through his hair, “I was hoping I’d see you.”

“I’m sorry I can’t stick around. I have a lot going on right now,” I say, nervously adjusting the strap on my bag.

Beau closes the space between us and lifts the heavy bag from my shoulder, carefully sliding it down my arm and placing it over his own shoulder. “I know. Your mom told me about Asher. I . . . don’t know what to say. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” I answer, shaking my head.

He nods, glancing toward the street then back to me. “If you need anything, I’m here for you.”

“Thank you. That means a lot,” I say, folding my arms across my body to keep warm. “How long are you home for?”

“Until next Sunday. Look, if you have time, we could get a pizza or something before I go back. Just to catch up.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m going to be able to. I don’t like to leave him,” I answer, digging my shoes into the light dusting of snow on the ground.

“Do you want me to put this in your car?” he asks, lifting the strap of my bag up from his shoulder.
“I have something in my house for you. I’ll just give it to you now.”

Before I even have time to reply, he opens the back door of my car and throws the bag in then opens the driver’s door and starts the engine.

“Wait in the car. It’s too cold for you to be standing out here,” he says as he climbs out and holds the door open for me.

I slide into the seat. I don’t have the energy or the time to argue with him. “You didn’t have to get me anything. I didn’t—”

He shuts my door and quickly disappears into his house. I feel horrible because I didn’t buy him a present. I haven’t had time to think of anyone but Asher.

I lean forward and grip my steering wheel tight as I watch him step outside with a small rectangular box in his hand. Things aren’t as easy between us as they used to be.

He opens the passenger side door and climbs in. “Here. Open it.”

I hesitantly grab the package from his hand and run my fingers over the red ribbon before untying it. I rip the paper, revealing a white box. I carefully lift the lid and peel back the thin foam that covers the top.

What it reveals takes my breath away.

“Do you like it?”

I run my fingers along the smooth wood corners and feel tears building in my eyes. “It’s beautiful. Where did you get it?”

“I’ve had it for a while. I have one I keep in my room to remind me of home and I thought you might like it too. You know, to remind you of better days,” he says quietly, never taking his eyes off the picture, “It’s our spot.”

It’s a picture of the lake, taken from the spot on the beach where we usually sit and stare out onto the water.

“Thank you,” I whisper, trying to hold back my tears.