Rainbow Blues (11 page)

J
IMMY
ENDED
up having to stay late after work, so he met Luke at the restaurant instead of picking him up. As soon as he saw Luke, he wanted to kiss him or hold his hand, but they hadn’t discussed Luke’s stance on PDAs. Jimmy suspected a man who’d spent most of his life in the closet wouldn’t want an obviously gay man to even stand too close in public, no matter how enthusiastically he sucked Jimmy’s cock in private. Jimmy sighed and suppressed his natural exuberance.

“Luke,” Jimmy called.

Between the wide smile on Luke’s face and the rainbow scarf he was wearing again, maybe it wouldn’t take too long before he’d let Jimmy touch him in public.

“Jimmy.” Luke approached, his gaze hot and focused solely on him. Jimmy’s skin got tight. He hadn’t been lying about wanting to get to know Luke better out of the bedroom, but he wasn’t sure he could wait until they’d seen a movie as well.

Not unexpectedly, Luke stopped far enough away to put them firmly in the friend category. Jimmy sighed. At least he didn’t think Luke was embarrassed by him, just closeted. Closeted was better, although Jimmy longed for the day a man he liked would just kiss him in public and damn the consequences. At least Luke had the closet door open and was peering around, which was an improvement over a couple of guys Jimmy had… certainly not dated. Even dinner out with his obviously gay self made them worry about gay by association.

“How was your day?” In Jimmy’s experience, Luke’s genuine interest was rare. Most guys he dated just didn’t care.

“Good.” Better, now that he was with Luke, even though he had to control his impulses to touch the man. “You?”

Luke shrugged. “Same old, same old. Working sites in the winter sucks, but I’d rather be working than not.”

A work ethic. Jimmy had suspected it was there, but he was still pleased by its existence. More than once, Jimmy had ended up with guys who were looking for a sugar daddy, even if he was younger than them, assuming his acting made him rich. What a laugh. But they always got pissed at how much time he needed to devote to the theater on top of his day job. He just prayed Luke would understand.

The hostess interrupted, and they followed her to the table.

The service was great and in a few minutes, they’d put their order for dinner in, had bread on the table, and were sipping drinks—a strawberry margarita for Jimmy and beer for Luke.

Luke gave him a bashful little smile and brushed his fingers deliberately over Jimmy’s hand on his way to the bread basket.

A little of his apprehension melted away, and he smiled back. This was new for Luke, and at some point, Jimmy was going to have to find out just how new, but he didn’t want to talk about his own previous sex partners and boyfriends just yet. He’d rather dazzle the somewhat inexperienced Luke with his bubbly personality before slamming him with that information, and it was a bit heavy for….

“Is this our first date? Third?”

Luke crinkled his nose and tilted his head. Jimmy just wanted to eat him up. And do other things with his mouth and hands that were substantially dirtier.

“I don’t really know. Definitely not the first. I think Chinese food and sex counts as a first date for sure.”

“And you went home Saturday during the day. I think we can call Saturday after the play another date.”

Luke bit into the roll he’d just buttered. “Me, too,” he said after swallowing his mouthful.

Jimmy leaned back in his chair. “So, third date. Three dates is the sex date. It’s a rule.”

Luke laughed and crumbs flew out of his mouth. He clapped a hand over his mouth, but it didn’t hide the fiery blush that heated his cheeks.

“I’m sorry.” The words were muffled behind Luke’s hand, and Jimmy couldn’t stop a giggle from escaping.

“I’m sorry, too. I should have waited until you’d finished swallowing.” Jimmy couldn’t help it. He emphasized the last word in such a way that Luke would have no trouble recognizing the innuendo. Based on Luke’s suddenly darkened eyes, he’d definitely picked up on Jimmy’s intent. Jimmy just grinned back at him, waiting. He liked that Luke not only got his humor but also the inflections in his tone.

“I bought a new bed.”

That… wasn’t what Jimmy had expected. “What?”

“Yesterday. I thought we could go to my place tonight after the movie, and my bed was too small to spread you out on.”

The breath fled Jimmy’s lungs as his cock hardened instantly. Apparently Luke hadn’t been lying when he said he believed in saying what he meant, and his simple words evoked an image of himself splayed across sheets, Luke between his legs, feasting on him before fucking him senseless. Goosebumps flared up on his arms, and he shivered, hard. He wasn’t sure he was ready for that tonight, but soon.

“Are you cold?” Embarrassment forgotten, Luke didn’t wait for Jimmy to reply but leapt up to wrap that soft, wide rainbow scarf around his shoulders. Jimmy stopped him. He wasn’t cold, at all, and the sweet gesture heated him up even more. He grabbed Luke’s shoulder before he could sit down again and whispered in his ear.

“Not cold, Luke, but I’m now imagining me on your new bed and you sucking my cock.”

Luke gasped and stared down at Jimmy, pupils blown. Oh, fuck. They’d be lucky if they managed to finish dinner.

With an awkward shuffle, and his scarf bunched near his groin so he wouldn’t reveal his raging erection to the other diners, Luke returned to his seat and cleared his throat.

“We could….” He coughed. “Maybe we could see a movie another night.”

Jimmy smiled. “You are a smart man.”

The happy glow on Luke’s face dimmed, just a bit.

“What’s wrong?”

The shrug said Luke didn’t really care, but Jimmy had seen that same stance in many a teenager over the years. Luke didn’t want to care, but he did.

“Nothing. Just… you’ve got degrees. You’re a teacher and an actor. I never went to college.” Luke ripped off a big bite of his bread and refused to meet Jimmy’s eyes.

“Luke. Dammit, look at me.”

Huh. Jimmy could add another thing he’d learned about Luke. He could be a stubborn idiot. No way did he want Luke to think of himself as stupid, though.

“If you don’t look at me, I’m going to kiss you right here in the middle of the restaurant.”

Jimmy could be stubborn, too, and it wasn’t as though kissing Luke would be any hardship at all.

Shocked, Luke lifted his gaze to Jimmy’s.

Oh. Fingers trembling, Jimmy pressed his palms flat on the table in an effort to keep from actually doing what he’d threatened. The want in Luke’s eyes… gave him hope. Hope that one day, kissing Luke in a restaurant wouldn’t be a threat. Hope that one day, Luke would be comfortable shutting the closet door behind him.

But if he truly wanted a relationship with Luke, this wasn’t the way to go about it.

“I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair.” Jimmy clenched his hands into fists and tried to smirk, although he was sure he failed to produce anything other than a grimace. “Apparently the third date is also for getting into some deep waters.”

Luke frowned, and Jimmy hated to see it. “What kind of deep waters?”

The server set down a plate of gorgeous fried calamari, but as tense as he was, they were about as appealing as chewing on old tires.

“Enjoy!” The twinky little server, named Toby, swung a hip along Luke’s shoulders, his smile much warmer for Jimmy’s date than for him. Not surprisingly, Luke didn’t appear to notice, and Jimmy didn’t know if that was a simple lack of attraction or unawareness of his hotness. “Is there anything else I can get you?”

There wasn’t a doubt in Jimmy’s mind that the server’s “you” was singular and directed at Luke.

“Thank you,” Jimmy answered with an edge in his tone. “Another beer for him and strawberry margarita for me.”

Jimmy barely got a glance, which wasn’t a surprise. He’d probably be lucky if he got the right drink.

“I’ll be right back.”

“No rush.” Jimmy hated servers who always seemed to interrupt at exactly the wrong time. At least Luke was still looking at him.

“Deep waters?” Luke prompted.

“We haven’t really talked about it, but I feel like you’re still in the closet. At least partially. You… I couldn’t even tell you were gay at first, and usually my gaydar is exceptional. I don’t know if that’s just you or if you’re still actively hiding it.” A gay man didn’t have a kid and stay married to its mother for years without hiding his sexuality.

“Ah.
Those
deep waters. I’m not used to being out, that’s true.” Luke laughed, a little bitterly. “My ex-wife… she’s a great woman. We got along great and as a parent? I couldn’t ask for a better partner. But as soon as Zach was on his own, I couldn’t take the deception any longer. I thought we both deserved more fulfilling lives than the half-life we lived with each other. The divorce was amicable, and Kelly almost immediately fell in love with a great guy.”

Luke gulped back the rest of his beer, and Jimmy was glad he’d ordered them both another drink, although he suspected their infatuated server was going to return at another inopportune moment.

“I’d never cheated on Kelly.” Luke bit his lip and looked down. Jimmy recognized those signs. Luke was either lying or embarrassed.

“Did you have any experience with guys before Kelly?”

“High school stuff. Enough to know I was queer, and enough to realize my parents would have died. Or disowned me. They were… very religious. When rumors started circulating about me, I latched on to Kelly.” Luke paused and rubbed at the bridge of his nose, broadcasting his unease. “Anyway, when we divorced—”

Jimmy held up a hand. He wasn’t letting Luke gloss over this.

“Whoa, back up there. I’ll admit, I’m not a huge fan of cheating.” Certainly not after he’d caught both his first and fourth boyfriends with cock up their ass. “But there’s a big difference between my boyfriend getting pissed about how much time I spent in rehearsals and getting himself porked by one of my friends, and you, married with a kid trying to be straight. I won’t judge you.”

Luke went to grab more bread, but the uncomfortable discussion had made him devour it all already. Instead, he picked up the end of his scarf and began twisting his fingers into the thick knit.

“We got married within weeks of Kelly discovering she was pregnant. The weekend before, I was… crazy. Afraid. I thought maybe if I….” Luke waved his hands slightly. “If I went all the way, maybe I wouldn’t like it. Maybe I could stop thinking about it, and settle in as a straight guy and soon-to-be dad. The weekend before our wedding, I hired a rent boy.”

Jimmy’s eyes widened. He’d almost been expecting a horrific story about him approaching the closeted captain of the football team and getting beaten or raped or something. Not a rent boy.

“And?”

Luke’s eyes were haunted. “He was older than me, and sweet. I was awkward, and the whole thing was uncomfortable. It wasn’t great, but it cemented one fact in my mind. I was gay and about to get married.”

“You could have called it off.”

“I couldn’t, not really. Kelly—and my son—needed me.”

“Was that it?” If Luke told him the rent boy had become a regular part of his married life, Jimmy might judge, just a little bit. Deception like that over years… hell, he was amazed Luke’s ex didn’t clock him over the head with a frying pan for keeping the gay thing a secret for like, two decades.

Luke shrugged. “After we were married, I wasn’t with anyone except Kelly. But, I did have some porn.”

A surprised laugh sputtered out of Jimmy. “Porn? Of course you had porn. That’s not cheating, that’s probably the only thing that kept you sane and kept your dick from withering away.”

Luke’s shoulders sagged as his fear and tension dispersed.

“And after?”

“After… I was a forty-one-year-old man trying to figure out where to even find other gay men, never mind ones who were the same age as me or had the same interests. I didn’t have anyone to talk to, anyone to mentor me. I ended up at a few clubs, had a few one-night stands, but mostly I wanted to find something… more.”

Again, Luke’s gaze drifted away.

“I want something more, too, Luke. I think you might be my something more.” Jimmy kept his voice low, but his words were enough to have Luke looking back at him.

“I’d like to be your something more,” Luke whispered. “I’m not out at work. And I’m not sure I even know what I’m supposed to do as a mostly out gay man. I don’t like… I’m not comfortable….” The furtive glance at the rest of the restaurant told the story. Despite the strides forward he’d made, Luke wasn’t about to get up on the table and proclaim that he was here and queer. Rainbow scarf notwithstanding.

Jimmy smiled. “You’re a good man, Luke Jordan. You only need to be yourself. Whatever stereotypes you see on TV or in the movies… there’s no unifying gay law that says you need to conform to those archetypes. You just be you, I’ll just be me, and I think together, we can be something better.”

“I think I can do that.”

“I know you can.” Jimmy hadn’t forgotten what had prompted this whole deep discussion. “As I said, you’re a smart man.”

Luke opened his mouth, ready to object again, but Jimmy held up a hand to forestall him. There were so many things about Luke he already knew without asking. So many things that spoke of a down-to-earth personality, responsible and ethical.

“No. University degrees aren’t always all they’re cracked up to be. Let me guess… you’re not in debt, you’ve got some savings socked away for a rainy day, and you’ve already told me you’ve got employees reporting to you.”

Eyes wide, Luke nodded.

“And your son… he’s a good guy, right? Responsible, about to get one degree, and going to grad school next year.”

“Yes.” Luke smiled, full of sweetness and love, and Jimmy’s heart melted just a little bit more.

“You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, Luke. I mean, you could go back to school if you wanted to, but considering you started out with some pretty substantial barriers, it’s clear you’ve made a lifetime of good decisions. That takes brains, and degrees aren’t the only way to measure brain power.”